Also in Chat: Third Baby Dilemma

[BingoBonkers]

Also in Chat but then just found this board hence the repost here.

We've always wanted three children.

We already have two. One aged 4 and another aged 2.

I'm 39. My biological clock is ticking very loudly and I'm so conscious of my next birthday.

One minute I'm really keen and then the next I get cold feet. One minute I feel a sense of urgency to get TTC and then I think we are crazy and loads of What Ifs crash into my head.

Will a new sibling upset the balance/relationship between DCs 1&2 esp as they are close in age?
Will DC2 have middle child syndrome?
We are coming out of the tough stage with our young DC and who in their right mind would try for another baby and go back to the full on newborn stage?
How will I manage three children on a daily basis?
Am I too old?
Potential complications (me and dc3) due to age?
We should be grateful for the two we have......?
Family reactions - we've already been told we are stopping at two, right?

DH is in full support of another baby/pregnancy which is the essential thing I guess.

I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE. Literally. It's like being stalked. I see babies EVERYWHERE.

It would be much easier if I had felt "done" after DC2. It would be much easier if I was younger. Least my head is telling me it would be, which of course, is ridiculous.

I'm really not sure why I'm blowing hot and cold. I was the same with both DCs but then I didn't have my age pressurising me. I don't know why I'm letting it pressure me as lots of women are 40plus when having babies.

Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Only DH and understandably he doesn't know what to say, other than "let's go for it!" Oh to be a man. Oh to be decisive.

The two MNers who kindly replied in Chat basically said go for it.

I'm not sure why I swing between saying YES! To Nooooooo let's not mix up what we have and then there is the What Would Everyone Say if we were able to get pregnant again? I know many of the responses would be "you're bonkers!" Particularly as our DC are quite energetic.

Would the age gap between DC2 and the possible DC3 be too big? Would it be Them (2DC) and Us (Nbr3)? I think I might be overthinking this. I'm spending so much of my time going back and forth, back and forth. I'm literally going round the bend. I know only we can make this decision but it's proving to be a tough one.

[SmileAndNod]

In my own experience:
Will a new sibling upset the balance/relationship between DCs 1&2 esp as they are close in age? It will probably change the relationship, but then it may change as they get older regardless of another sibling. Best bit about having three is seeing how they are with the baby.

Will DC2 have middle child syndrome? Quite possibly. Ours does. But she's bloody gorgeous and funny and feisty and loving.

We are coming out of the tough stage with our young DC and who in their right mind would try for another baby and go back to the full on newborn stage? We did!

How will I manage three children on a daily basis? I'm still trying to work this one out...

Am I too old? Definitely not.

Potential complications (me and dc3) due to age? 39 is not old!

We should be grateful for the two we have......? Well yes, of course you are. Doesn't mean you don't have the capacity to love and nurture another.

Family reactions - unless you're asking them to fund number three or provide full time child care, it's not really anyone else's business.

You do have to decide for yourself though!

[Molotov]

Goodness, you could be me, OP! I've been umming and ahhing since Christmas.

I have a thread on here: 'How does a 3rd baby/child change things?'. Some great advice/conversations which might be useful to you.

I'm also place-marking here

[Sootball]

Hey Molotov - I thought of you when I saw this thread!

This is currently in my thoughts every hour of the day. Sigh. I even have a thread in SN as our situation is slightly different.

I'd love another. But my deliveries are Shit. Also have a thread on this group about risks of third pregnancy.

[PenguinsHatchedAnEgg]

You were me 12 months ago!

We ummed and ahhed and eventually decide not to. Then we had an unplanned pregnancy. I had made my peace with stopping and was devastated. But we went ahead and DC3 is now 3 months.

I am madly in love with DC3, but what is hard is watching all my friends, whose second child will go to pre-school this year and school next year and who are coming into the next phase. And that's all a long way off for us. I certainly couldn't have done it any later than we did.

Do you work outside the home? How would a third child change things in childcare costs if you do, and any plans to return to work if you don't? My biggest fear is that I'm not currently working and I see that side of my life as far further off than it would have been.

But, you know, I do adore him!

[BingoBonkers]

I'm a SAHM. So no impact of childcare costs as such just on any return to work. I'll be older and despite Equal Opps will probably be overlooked for someone without the commitment of young children. I've seen it happen.

This indecision has been going on since the middle of last year but partly cos I felt I had time to leave it a bit and I wanted a bigger gap between dc2 and the hypothetical #3.

Friends I see regularly, well three friends are one child families, four friends are two child families, three more have three kids (but two of those have massive age gaps) and one has four. Most of them have the youngest at PS age so yes it plays on my mind that we will be left behind. Sort of. Then I kick myself for delaying nbr 3 then swing to let's not have any more. Then swing to what of something awful happens which then leads to "well you can't live your life like that". I feel like I'm on a merry go round that won't stop.

If we do go for it then the reaction from family/friends will be because I have found the two we have to be quite full on and it's not been easy. Can't see many people saying "congrats" more the opposite which will then lead to "was an accident, right?"

In years to come I know I would regret not trying for a third but I know up until the preschool years will be tough and tiring but then the more you have the quicker the years fly by.

Really must stop overthinking.

[BingoBonkers]

Thank you for your posts. Like I said I've nobody to confide in.

[weegiemum]

We were stopping at 2, I don't do pregnancy well.

We were very shocked when I found out I was pg with #3, and I had bad ante- and post-natal depression. But she is a joy and a delight - we were shopping yesterday for school stuff as she starts into the last year of primary school on Wednesday!

My career did suffer, but I've now managed a transition into a new area and love my work.

My 3 are very close together - dd1 was 3y10m and ds was 22 months when dd2 arrived, and is spent a year in the fog of it all. But now I'm so glad we had that failure in contraception, we can't imagine life without our feisty, charming, gorgeous little girlie!

My caution is this - lots of people say "40 isn't old", but I was entering the menopause at 35 and at 43 am right out the other side.

Good luck and go for it whatever you decide!!

[Misfitless]

Another one here thinking...just go for it!

Try not to care about what other people think, OP, certainly not to the point where it actually influences your decision.

I just don't get why other people are negative towards parents who have more than 2 children, although I know it happens, as it did to us.

I'd love to know who made the rule that 2 is the right number, and that anything more or less is somehow a bad thing? It always baffles me, that one.

[Sootball]

Have just had the most unbelievable evening. As in I can't quite believe it so feel free to think I'm making it up!

No fewer than three friends (one who I haven't heard from in about 4 years since my oldest was born disabled) have got in touch to say that they are expecting their third. One I know well (she is due April), one this November and one early in the new year.

I do find though that I'm exhausted just coping day to day at the moment so very down about being able to manage another.

[BingoBonkers]

Thanks Everyone.

The terrible thing is Misfitless is that I do let other people influence my decisions, not that they know it. Or maybe they do? Think I need to grow a backbone or twenty. Whenever I'm in their company I imagine telling them and I can envisage the reactions. Recently lots of my friends have been saying "imagine if you had 3/4?" "What do people do with more than 1/2 how do they cope?" "39 is way too old to be having more kids" "imagine having twins now - life would be a bloody nightmare". Then saying that they could be pleased as punch!

Sootball I'm often shattered too. Can barely stay awake gone 10pm. It takes more than matches to keep my eyes open.

[Misfitless]

Well as my one friend who didn't give me negative comments when I announced number 4, pointed out...that is a reflection on the people who say it and equates to "There's no way I could cope with 3/4."

It doesn't mean that you couldn't manage, Bingo.

However many you have, there'll be times when any mother/father thinks...argh!!!!! Even with one or two! (Tell me it's not just me!! )

There were panicky times throughout my pregnancy when I thought "How will I cope?" But you just do!

Deep down I knew it would though, it's just if ever I over-thought it (frequently) I couldn't see how it could ever run smoothly, iyswim.

It's normal to think that, I bet mn is full of mums wondering how they could possibly manage with number 1/2/3/4 etc.

And it's not to say that there won't be hair raising moments of utter chaos...I have had days moments like that, but before you know it, they're all on to another stage, and it's suddenly easier.

I think it would be easier to envisage it if some mums in your closer friendship groups had more than 2. If you're surrounded by people with one/two telling you it would be impossible to cope, it's no wonder you're hesitant!

Soot has hearing that not made it seem more manageable? It's not that unusual for people round here to have 3 or 4 tbh, though the majority of people do have 2, with a high number of onlies, also.

It was an easy choice for me, tbh, no career to consider, no childcare costs due to me being a SAHM.

Sorry for extra long post!

[Misfitless]

Just read your last paragraph of the original post...

If you get cracking bonkers the gap won't be too big imho. What gap would you ideally like (sorry if you've already said this, I can't ifnd it if you have.)

[heymammy]

We have 3dc with a nearly 6 year gap between dc2 & 3.

Of course dc3 is a wonder and I wouldn't be without him BUT there are plenty of moments where I feel...I don't know...disappointed...at being back at the baby/toddler stage. I seem to have lost patience somewhere along the way and get very fed up with nappies, toddler logic (of which there is none), bedtimes and cbloodybeebies.

I agree with penguin, it does feel like we're being left behind a bit.

Conversely, having dc3 has had an amazing effect on my older 2dc who just think he's brilliant, they have shown patience, tolerance, love and kindness and have grown no end . They have been such an amazing help and fortunately could take care of themselves a bit when I was welded to the couch endlessly bf ds

Good luck with your decision, whatever you decide will be right for you and your family

[Sootball]

I think our situation is a little different in that dd1 is disabled (mild cerebral palsy but moderate to severe learning disabilities) and so it's like having a much younger child in many ways.

I get immensely frustrated with the situations we find ourselves in every day, purely because of who she is -very prone to excitable behaviour although usually kind I find some days I struggle.

From September I'll have a few mornings a week just with my younger one and also sometimes look after a friends baby which will give me I hope a more realistic idea of what having 2 at home would be like.