Please help, pregnant with third child don't know what to do

[evalluna]

Hi, was not sure where was best place to post this. I am 5 weeks pregnant, not planned and have two children aged 4 and 2. My partner in particular has found having young children hard though he is a very good father to them - he works in a tough academic field and finds interrupted sleep/ noise / not having enough time for everything really difficult and I know he thinks it has impacted on his career progression. When I told him his initial response was that we could not proceed with the pregnancy and there was no alternative. I was upset but realistically understood this was probably best for everyone. Now, however, he seems less angry about it and says he feels uncomfortable about termination having looked up stages of foetal development. He has said it is up to me, I think he will support my decision either way
My problem is having considered the pros and cons the pros seem very few other than the huge emotional pull I feel to have the baby. I have a consultation to discuss termination but can imagine myself getting right to the point of doing it and being unable to go through with it. Financially I think it will be hard even though we are relatively well off (combined income about 80 000 pa) and I have no idea how we would afford to put 3 through university. I feel worried about the impact on my other children getting less attention, my baby not being the baby and getting middle child syndrome. But then on the long run it could be nice to have 2 siblings more people around etc. Mostly I am worried about my partner's career as this is so important to him and he has already made sacrifices for us to have the two we have. And our relationship suffering.
Please help, I don't want to upset anyone and if this is the wrong place to post please say. I'd especially like to know how anyone with 3 or more who is not extremely rich views the future in terms if how to pay for university.
Thanks for reading sorry it is so long.

[evalluna]

Anyone?

[Mabelface]

I'm sure that you've made sacrifices too. Your partner's career is not the important thing here, it's the emotional well being of you and the family and we all find having young children hard. Your children will cope with another sibling as kids have been doing forever. Practically, do you think that you could cope with another baby? Three children is not a massive family, really, and you are on a good income plus middle child syndrome is not a given.

University - well, I have 4 children, am on a very low income and my eldest son is supporting himself using grants and loans. My other children will have to do the same when the time comes.

[hotfudge]

Listen to your heart. I panicked when I got pg with no.3 for many of the reasons you mention, but without being judgy at all, they are middle class worries. Sooooo glad now to have 3. It will all be fine, trust me. Live in the moment, don't stress so much about the future. Relax and enjoy your good fortune. (And don't indulge that husband of yours too much!).

[washngo]

I've just had no 3 and I wasn't sure how well I'd cope but honestly it is fine. I still have time for the others and they are loving helping with the new baby (they are 4 and 3 btw so similar ages to yours). I am exhausted and a tad frazzled but loving it.

[evalluna]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Madlizzy - my partner's career is very related to his emotional wellbeing and by extension that of the entire family! He really struggled after the birth of our sevond child and we came close to splitting up. I do think it may be easier this time as the older two will be older whereas a newborn and a just two year old was very hard. Also I acknowledge I would need to take on the brunt of the work to allow him to keep going. I know for some career/ job is not the be all and end all but for him it really is and I'd feel terrible if I felt I had jeopardised his dreams any more than I have already.

[Mabelface]

But he chose to have children too! It's not just your responsibility and it's not you who has jeopardised his dreams, he has chosen to.

[evalluna]

Yes, I know that, and although he agreed to have children when we did (I was 33) I also know he would have preferred to wait (we had been together about 8 years at the time and knew from early on we both did want children, which was important to me). At the time I was worried about my biological clock/ potentially being infertile though clearly in retrospect we had plenty time.So I guess I have always felt guilty in a way for not waiting longer.

[evalluna]

Also, I was privileged that my parents put me through university ( no fees then though) so feel I should be able to give my children what I had - maybe these days that is just not realistic!

[evalluna]

Thanks, I think the bottom line is you are not going to actually regret a child once it is here, but I am worried I will very much regret not having it - that is such a final decision you cannot go back on. Because of dp's work commitments I sometimes feel like a lone parent. Have made a list of pros and cons and cons (mostly practical) all outweigh pros (all heartfelt/ emotional! )

[Swimming55]

We had an unplanned DC3 (bonus baby :)) and DH was erring towards a termination, I even went to the GP to talk about it, but he was so horrible talking about the different kinds of sedation that I told him there that I was having the baby and never booked an appointment with him again. Whilst we were still in the early discussion stages, DH brought it up and my stomach lurched, like the baby (only a few weeks old) was trying to get my attention. I knew then that I could not have a termination.
She is now 3 and a half and an absolute joy, sometimes I look at her and feel so bad to have considered it.
I basically did everything for the 1st year (also had 2 & 4 yr old) so my husband wouldn't feel the full weight of it, because I felt guilty because of the extra financial pressure, his baby too of course, but was ultimately my decision to keep her.
It is your decision of course, but do what feels right for you - you are important too. You will cope, 3 kids is hard work, but also fun and rewarding. Money wise, we have less, but I'm no less happy for that, I don't buy random 'stuff' any more, but I really appreciate a solitary coffee when I can :)
With regards to university, it is so far away, and maybe they won't even want to go, who knows what the system will be then ...

[StupidFlanders]

Do you work? Will this baby affect your career plans/aspirations?

My experience was #3 was easy. He just slotted in and was loved dearly by the older dcs (even though he is my most challenging child). I felt no guilt about him going to daycare, no stress about day to day practicalities (felt quite easy to me). I began ff early and the older dcs could help- in fact they begged to.

The only expense that I noticed was daycare but to be fair, I don't think it made much difference because the oldest started school before #3 needed it.

Holidays haven't been a problem (and I have 4 dcs). We book houses at the beach each year and have never had a problem booking hotels big enough for us all-although sometimes 2 are on a fold out couch. I haven't noticed paying more for accommodation, bfast is usually free if under 12.

I wouldn't worry about university. Seriously. That's worrying about something they may not even choose!

[Zachmeister]

Hi evalluna,

By now you have probably made your decision. I was in a very similar situation to you last year. My husband suffers from depression despite holding down a very high pressured job. He was adamant he only wanted/could cope with two children and despite this, I fell pregnant (not being as careful with my pill as I should have been). I went into auto-pilot and wanted to 'fix' the problem and had a termination, I chose my husband 's feelings over my own due to the guilt I felt. I decided that I would focus on the two wonderful children I have etc etc. To this day I still regret my decision for my own heartfelt reasons (religion, morality etc) however the only thing that keeps me going is that I did it for the sake of my marriage and family. It is going to be something that lives with me evermore and the fact is deep down part of me still yearns to have a third child (heart ruling the head). I only have to hope that with the passage of time I will forgive myself and realise I did what was right for my family at the time. Would my husband and I have coped with that third child? I don't honestly know and that is why I chose the hardest route for me personally. Everyone had their own 'cross to bear' and has no right to judge or advise you on what you should do.. Good luck wth the path you choose xxxx