Calling mothers of 4 or more!!!

(32 Posts)
sadsong Mon 08-Jul-13 10:15:54

I'd like to know if I'm just being a bit sensitive, or whether its not just me and in fact you all have had similar experiences!

So I had 4dc with eh. My eldest is now 15. Then I met new h, who had his own dc and we decided to have one together. After an mc and a few years later I was delighted. However onlookers were so rude and I think it hasn't helped me bond. I haven't had this experience before. I have one extra child and suddenly I'm a bit of an outcast....I would add it is vastly easier these days than when I had 3 tiny dc under 4 and an h who commuted to the city daily.

The reaction if I mentioned the mc to anyone was, oh well it's natures way of telling you've had your family. And probably for the best dear.

Not mine but some of dhs friends have been quite rude about us having our baby. He's nearly 2 now. They don't need to get their judgey pants on as we earn enough to support them all. We don't claim benefits, we have a big enough house etc.... We have debated having another but I dread what everyone will say. smile!!!

lljkk Mon 08-Jul-13 11:12:52

Wow, that is insensitive, even I who think m/c can be very ordinary wouldn't rustle something up that harsh. Who are these people who feel so entitled to comment negatively on the size of your family? Relatives? What happend to a polite "I'm sorry for your loss."?

Look at it as jealousy. All the people I know with 5+ seem to manage beautifully (whilst my 4 nearly reduce me to jibbering wreck one day). We can't be like you, I guess.

Maybe best not to announce next pregnancy until late on, then. Harder to criticise something you're already committed to.

lljkk Mon 08-Jul-13 11:13:28

one day.

sadsong Mon 08-Jul-13 13:04:33

Thankyou that's a good idea to mention late on. I was so surprised last time as we'd been trying 2 yrs after mc I'd kind of given up hope! I had an early bleed and panicked i might be loosing again, hence perhaps they found out before usual.

I know my life isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't make such loud statements about someone not having a family or only having one. Just find it hurtful others can be so pointy finger! sad I really wanted to shout it from the rooftops last time and nobody was very interested! Poor ds nobody was excited!

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 08-Jul-13 15:30:56

People do see fit to comment about family size. I know we were affected by it, as we carefully announced "our last" when pregnant with DC4(5) DS 3 weeks (and having had a FT stillbirth and a m/c). If I think about it too much, it annoys me, but we did it as much to prevent further impertinent questions, especially as DH comes from a wider family which has one or two children. When we announced DS's birth, my DH's DGF still asked if we were having another: Grrrr!! We, however, have a number of friends with 4, 5 or even 6 children and, really, it no biggy and no body else's business.

thefabfour Mon 08-Jul-13 20:46:46

Hi Sadsong. Just wanted to leave a message to say that I completely understand. I have 4 dc- 11, 9, 7 & 6, and I had an early mc in January of this year. I was completely devastated ( still am) but haven't told anyone in RL, including my own mother, as I know the stupid comments I would get .

I agree with lijkk, it's most likely jealousy. Prior to the mc, the people in RL who have counseled me against having more dc were all in situations where they weren't in a position to have any/ or more children and I'm sure they were thinking of their own situation rather than my best interests.

I would enjoy dc5 and if you both want dc6- go for it!

NAR4 Mon 08-Jul-13 23:05:45

I don't see what the problem is, as in why everyone else is unkind about your newest addition. I have 5dc and do tire of people assuming dc4 & 5 have a different father to the others, due to the age gap, then when I tell them no, assume they must of both been accidents.

If you and your dh are happy then it is no one else's business how many children you have. Enjoy them all!

Sorry for your loss. I lost one of twins in my 3rd pregnancy and most people said 'oh well at least you still have one'. I'm sure people often say stupid and hurtful things without thinking just because they don't really know what to say.

sadsong Tue 09-Jul-13 09:37:34

You're all right of course! grinI feel huge pressure from my parents NOT to have any more! Strange as they had a surprise well into their 40s, and I'm only mid 30s. I think they find the whole thing embarrassing. Of course my life is my own and we will make a decision right for us but I don't poke my nose into their affairs! Dhs friends all have an only child, so you're all spot on! wink

Each child is a blessing. I haven't taken any of them for granted and last time it was so longed for. With all the others a lot more grown up now, I think in an ideal world it would be nice for littlest ds to have some company. Saying that....doesn't always happen when you chose does it!

sadsong Tue 09-Jul-13 09:41:45

Thefabfour, I'm so sorry about your recent news. I was distraught when I had my mc. I think perhaps made worse, by the one thing I'd always managed to do I suddenly couldn't! Especially now with a new husband I desperately wanted to have our own baby that nobody took away every other weekend. The hosp was extremely unsympathetic to me, I hope you had a better experience.

sadsong Tue 09-Jul-13 09:51:23

Nar4 that's a horrendous thing to say about your twins! I just don't understand how careless people can be at such a difficult time. I hope you've whipped your dc into shape and they're all helping you get better wink

MultipleMama Tue 09-Jul-13 13:23:54

Didn't want to just read and run.

I have 4 dc and currently pg with twins. Nobody except my dad knew until 12 weeks and only then revealed it was twins (DF didn't know it was twins).

I've received lots of harsh and rude comments about getting pregnant again and to be honest; it's none of their business how many children we have.

If you can afford another one and really want one; I say go for it. It's your family not theirs. And they should keep their insensitive comments to themselves.

VenusSurprising Tue 09-Jul-13 13:32:46

I think what happens is when people look at large families from the outside, they see children, lots of them, and what you see is YOUR children, each an individual, and each one loved.

For certain I think people also have prejudice against big families, as the average is smaller. Their reasons may be varied, and based in historical / economic fears / environmental views.

I'm sorry to hear of any mc - it's tough going, and especially hard to grieve over a baby if you have people all round you telling you to count your blessings.

Take care of yourself girls, take the time you need: maybe plant a tree?

ZingWidge Wed 10-Jul-13 12:30:57

have more, if you want! your life your kids

ignore rude people

(hugs) thanks

Yes, quite frankly, if they're not actually involved, then they don't get to make a decision, do they? How dare some people presume to know when you will feel your family to be complete? As VS says, your own children are all individuals, and I can completely understand not wanting DC5 to be the only child of you and DH. And really, what will your mum and dad actually do about it? I'm sure they wouldn't disown you for it!! :D It won't be them doing the sleepless nights, the feeds, or the bum changes, so if you can and want to, then don't give a fig what anyone else thinks!

eisbaer Sun 21-Jul-13 19:26:48

I am pg with DC4 and so frickin' sick of not getting that key word "congratulations", I mean where are people's manners? I cannot believe the change in the temperature of response, mostly from older generations I think. Though that's not true as have found myself explaining to a (I thought) pretty good friend how actually it will be really nice and I will cope fine. And I don't even think 4 is that many!! Also with all the hormones flying around I'm finding it all a bit upsetting.

eisbaer Sun 21-Jul-13 19:28:18

I meant change of response between announcing a pregnancy viewed as "acceptable" and one viewed as "too many", so like between DS2 and DC4.

QueenofallIsee Mon 22-Jul-13 15:26:39

I have 4 DCs - when i was pg with DCs 2 & 3 (twins) my DM said 'well if you have to a c-section you can ask them to sterilise you at the same time'

I lol'd and had DC4 17mths later...I would like to see the old besum who dared to comment to me on that! would love another but can't afford it. I have friends with 6 who get no end of grief from neighbours and strangers..odd as they are working tax payers whose kids are lovely. Ignore them all and enjoy your lovely family

littlepeas Tue 23-Jul-13 12:17:08

We were talking about this last night! I did notice a more subdued reaction when we announced we were expecting dc3, but I didn't think a great deal about it. We are discussing a 4th at the moment and I can imagine we'll have some negativity if we go ahead - my very elderly grandmother said 'don't be so selfish' in a very outraged manner when I said I may like one more following the birth of dc3!

chloeb2002 Fri 26-Jul-13 21:05:06

I haven't had a mc, ds child number 2 has special needs. I went on to have two more dc after him... I got asked so often if I was pushing my luck... Even trying to have another sn child.. No wonder I was a bit paranoid through the whole pregnancy...

CrispyFB Mon 05-Aug-13 16:19:31

I'm early days with much wanted DC4, who was always planned to be our last. It's taken a year of very hard TTC including investigations, surgery and an early miscarriage to get to this point, and we've just seen a heartbeat and I'd love to shout it from the rooftops when we get past the NT scan.

Instead I'm finding myself dreading announcing because I KNOW what the reaction will be sad Both of our parents have made it clear they think three is more than enough, probably because they only had two and three DC themselves. I'd have more sympathy for them if they lived anywhere nearby and not 300 miles away and we only see them a few times a year if that, so it's not like they're actually physically supporting us in any way aside from the odd few hours babysitting once or twice a year. We're completely financially self-sufficient too in a big enough house, so they can't even say it's irresponsible in that way either. Basically, it just offends their sensibilities over the "perfect" family size.

And don't get me started on my friends. Half my real life friends don't even have children, and the rest have one or two at most, I'm the freak with three. And with my three I am always getting the "gosh, what a handful" comments from strangers and acquaintances. I am dreading it when I start to show, thank goodness I'll be able to hide it for longer thanks to winter. I daren't even complain to anyone about morning sickness and dealing with three young DC over the summer because everyone will just say I brought it on myself, which yes, is true, but the same applies to any pregnant woman! And it is far worse if you have lots of DC to look after unlike morning sickness with your first. It's just you don't get sympathy if you dare to have a child outside society's norms.

OP - are you going ahead with another DC? I wish you all the best grin

swampytiggaa Mon 12-Aug-13 22:10:34

We have five. I have had a few comments but the one that really stuck out was someone who knew exactly how many children i have telling me that she couldn't understand why anyone had more than two children as it was so unnecessary wasn't it? I must have looked a bit shocked cos she repeated it twice!

Blummin loon. Have avoided her ever since.

Good luck if you decide to have another smile a friend has just had number 6 and i was a bit envious but we are done.

sweetkitty Mon 12-Aug-13 22:24:04

I was "allowed" to keep going until I had a boy confused now I have one that's me I have to stop, feel like having DC5 just for the hell of it. I love having 4 to me it doesn't feel like a big family. Yes we do get the comments though.

My mother told me it was probably for the best I had a mc between DD2 & 3 as three DC would have been too expensive and DP would struggle to provide for them all WTF. I've not spoken to her in 4 years so didn't get the no 4 comments.

It's you life sod everyone else.

Ghirly Fri 16-Aug-13 01:22:52

I had a girl then a boy then sadly miscarried not long after DC 2 was born (he was about 9 months old)

Someone said to me "you have a boy and a girl anyway so it isn't that bad is it?"

15 years (and two more children) later it still hurts me.
Apparently it was meant as 'a joke'

syl1985 Thu 22-Aug-13 01:51:37

What a terrible rude comments some of you had.
I had some really rude ones when I was pregnant with my 1st child. I was 20 and just 21 when he was born.

I've always looked younger then my age. So a lot of people judged me from how I looked. They didn't know me and my husband had a good income and enough money for the child.
Everything was fine and I was able to be a stay at home mum.

My first pregnancy wasn't easy and the doctor wasn't sure if everything was ok with the baby. I had a scan for to see if he was in my womb and not in my ovaries.

We were soooo worried and scared that it was wrong and that we were loosing the baby.
Partner took time of work for to be by the scan.

Thankgoodness everything was fine. Such a relief. Then the bitch who did the scan thought I had an unplanned pregnancy and that I just found out I was pregnant.

I was furious and thinking back at it, it still hurts what she said to me. I told her in her face that it wasn't unplanned and some other things.

But during that pregnancy people kept judging me on how I looked. People starred at me and asked if it was an accident.

People really haven't got any idea how painful it's to hear these things when you're so happy with your pregnancy and baby.

About us having a big family:
Some family members thought it was an accident.
So they weren't happy for us. Just assumed we got pregnant by mistake.

So we had to explain that we wanted a big family and that babies don't drop out of the sky. Yes, accidents do happen. But I think that most pregnancies are welcome and planned.

Another thing that I find really rude and it's not very hurtful. But it does hurt me when I hear it.

Is that people just assume that we wanted a girl. We've got 3 boys and they just think we are continuing for to get a girl.

Most friends of us know we wanted a big family. One friend of mine before I even got pregnant asked me if I wasn't pregnant already.
This was over the phone and in a very nice way. Not in a aren't you pregnant, because you look fat kind of way.

I was like: How did you know we are trying at the moment. She said that she know us and just know we wanted a big family, because you're so happy with your children.

Anyway even some friends reacted weird when we said after our 20 week scan that it was going to be a boy.
But most of the time it's the strangers who somehow feel the need of asking me if I know what's it going to be.

It doesn't matter if I say a boy or I don't know.

The reaction almost always is something like:
You're wishing for a girl?
Didn't you wanted a girl?
What a shame it's again a boy.
Poor you, you'll be at home with all the boys....
(I'm the one who always worked full time, it's my husband who's at home with them.)

I really HATE those comments. They do hurt me, because I'm so happy with my pregnancy. I do like to know what it's going to be. But boy or girl I'm happy with my baby.
Why do strangers think it's ok to assume that I'm not or less happy with my baby boy.

Not to long ago I just really let myself go. I really was angry at the check out lady who asked me if we know what it was going to be.

Husband told her it was going to be a boy. She started to laugh out loud and said to me:
Poor you, you'll be all alone in a house full of boys.
You most be disappointed...
And some other stuff she said while she was laughing.

I just could feel my anger rising up at that moment. I said to her:
Yeah, I'm very disappointed. I'm going to put him up for adoption, because I'm so disappointed.

Hoping that she would notice how angry her laughing made me feel. And how stupid it was of her to just assume that I wanted a girl.

But nothing, she thought what I said was funny and just laughed even more. I swear on that moment I could have done things to her that could have got me into some serious trouble.

I was ANGRY and hurt by that stupid cow.

And I think that's what the problem is. These people are just to stupid to understand what they're doing.
If they can't judge you on your young looks then they'll find something else to go on about. Like now me having another son.

How terrible and how hurtful the comments are. The problem is with these people not knowing their place and not understanding what they're doing. They somehow like or feel it's ok to find something what's in their eyes wrong or should be different and start to get all funny about that.

syl1985 Thu 22-Aug-13 02:03:07

Odd enough we never got the complaint from for our neighbours on having a big family.

We both work from home.

I worked full time from home (until maternity leave) and my partner works part time.

We've got good contact with some of our neighbours, but not with all of them.
For the people in the street who don't really know us and what we do for a living. It must look like we live of benefits, because we don't go to work.

Who knows what they're saying behind our backs. But never got any rude comment from them.

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