secondary infertility

[mumtosammy]

i have been trying for a second baby for 2 years with no luck (it took 12 months with DS - he's now 3.8). i've just been referred by my dr to an infertility clinic, as he thinks i'm probably not ovulating (tests have not shown anything else up). anyone else out there had an experience of this? think the next steps will be a hycosy and then clomid, any tips or advice on what to ask at the appointment much appreciated!
anyone else out there struggling with the thought of a growing age gap and sadness that their DS might not have another sibling? also feeling that we're getting further and further away from the 'baby stage', it seems so long ago.
also the process of infertility appointments seems so long! we've already been in the system months having the gp appointments and still not got the hospital date.
anyone else feel like this?

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

Have they done the day 2 and 21 bloods for you? I can't remember the exact dates. But two blood samples are taken at two points in your period. They look at the hormone levels and can work out if you are ovulating. It sounds like they are just guessing from your post. (i.e. the bit about ^tests have not shown anything else up). I did mine with the GP so you don't need to have been referred to get that.

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

And 3.8yo isn't a very large age gap. If you look around, you'd see age gap hasn't much to do with how close they'll be when they grow up. It seems to be more of a personality match thing.

[Thumbwitch]

My 2 are nearly 5y apart and actually, although it wasn't what I wanted, it's worked out really well for us.
I had 3 MCs in between the 2 of them, and had blood tests etc. to check my egg load and so on - it was so high that it was almost in the PCOS range (except I don't have any other symptoms).
What was low was my vit D status - below the bottom of the normal range, not by much but still - and this was despite having been taking pregnacare and Mum omega fish oils almost daily since before DS1 was conceived, and eating oily fish regularly. So I was dosed up on vit D, got it to within normal range and fell pg with DS2.

Vit D deficiency/insufficiency is linked with both infertility, subfertility and miscarriage, so it might be worth getting your vit D status checked, if it hasn't already been done, and starting to take it.

I now take 4000IU vit D3 daily because I'm still bf'ing DS2 and I want to keep some of it for myself; but when I stop bf'ing I'll drop back to 3000IU/d

DS1 and DS2 get on very well, they adore each other, even though they are very different personalities and despite DS2 being a little ruffian with DS1, who is a much more gentle soul. But they're only 22mo and 6.8 at the mo so who knows what they'll be like when they're older.

[mumtosammy]

thanks for the comments everyone, that's really good advice about the vitamin D, i'll look into it. also they havent checked for PCOS so i'll ask about that. they have done the day 2 and 21 checks... but because my cycles aren't a set length (usually between 30-38 days) i found it impossible to pinpoint a date so wasn't surprised that it didnt show I'd ovulated either month. this is why it didnt really reveal anything...

[mawinter]

Agreed that is not much of an age gap. If we do manage to fall pregnant whenever the hell we finally do IVF/ICSI (few other medical things to sort), I can tell you my dd from my first marriage will be close to 17 by then!!! Now that is an age gap.

[Sheddie]

I know how you feel. We have been trying for our second for over a year and have just been referred to a specialist. I have no idea how long the wait will be to see them though.
It's so hard not to let it take over your life. I promised myself this time that I wouldn't get obsessed but I am constantly thinking about it and wondering whether I should just accept that we will only have one child. You're not alone. Good luck!

[purplemeggie]

Hi
Yes - sympathy from me, too. DS is 6 1/2 and we have been ttc for 5 years. I had a couple of MCs in 2011 and nothing since. One question: did you have a c-section for your ds? I had a Hycosy last year (took ages to get them to take my secondary infertility seriously because of the MCs - just kept getting the reaction "well, you obviously can get pregnant, just wait, it will happen") - and it turned out that my right tube was adhered to itself and also to my uterus, pulling my uterus out of alignment. I had surgery to fix that and the consultant expected that to solve my fertility problems, but I was 41 by that stage, so I fear that the c-section had robbed me of my remaining fertile years. I try very hard not to be angry about this, but it was a c-section for the convenience of the hospital - I'd done my 24 hours in labour and they didn't want me to carry on - not because there was any emergency.
We're doing IVF at the moment - about to embark on a second cycle. Mostly motivated by ds, who desperately wants a sibling.
I share your pain - and wish you all the best.

[NewEraNewMindset]

Same here. I'm nearly 40 and investigating mild IVF.

We have had two miscarriages in 2014 and I constantly flit between accepting I will only have one very beautiful and happy child and I now need to get on with my life, and thinking I should throw some money at the problem and get on with it whilst I still (hopefully) have a few good eggs.

I honestly don't know what to do.

[threepiecesuite]

I'm in same boat. DD is 4 1/2 yo and we've been trying 3 years.
Saw my GP at Easter, had first hosp referral and ultrasound in May and hycosy in July. Fertility clinic appts are every 3 months. Hope this helps re timescales.
My bloods were normal but hycosy revealed one blocked tube so that may explain the delay. I hope it happens for us one day. DD has imaginary brothers and sisters that she talks about and it makes me so sad.

[mumtosammy]

thanks for your messages everyone, it's good to know other people understand, although i'm sorry to hear your stories. fingers crossed that all of us will have good news eventually. i find it really hard when people ask me 'dont you want another one' - and it happens a lot! do you find that as well? it's hard to know what to say sometimes...

[Sheddie]

Yes I find that too. It seems to be the first question people ask when you have one child. It depends who is asking as to what I say. If it's someone I know well I do tend to tell them that we are having difficulties. Have you got your hospital date yet? I've got mine on 9th Sept. Don't know what to expect.

[mumtosammy]

I think I’m going to start being more open about it now too Sheddie and just start saying that we’re having difficulties. So far I’ve just tried to close down any conversations when the subject arises, so apart from very close family and friends, no one else knows. But I think now it might help me to get some more support and be more honest.
Good luck for the 9th, I hope it goes well – I know what you mean about not knowing what to expect. I guess we should just take as much info as we can on our cycles, medical history etc. We’ve got our date now – 21 oct – there was some mistake made where they’d booked me into the wrong clinic (gynae not infertility) so then they had to write to me to rearrange it and it created some delays – trying not to stress about that side of things!

[Sheddie]

Glad to hear you got your date through. At least you feel like progress is being made don't you. Fingers crossed for both of us!

[GingerbreadBabyPlease]

Yep, same here. My DD is nearly 3 and we have been trying for another baby for 16 months. DD was conceived in the second month of trying, so I just cannot understand why it isn't happening this time round. I feel like my life is on hold waiting to get pregnant, and it is ruining these early years that I should be enjoying with DD. It's turning me into an awful person; I avoid looking at other babies, I don't want to hear about anyone being pregnant and I feel bitter and jealous about anyone that is, does anyone else feel like this?
When thinking about ttc no2 I was a bit obsessed with figuring out what the perfect age gap would be, but now it has completely surpassed any age gap I wanted, and I am coming round to the idea that it is more about personalities than age gaps as to whether your children get along, I can now see the benefits to having a larger age gap, and any age gap now would be better than none!
I dread meeting new people and having the 'how many children do you have, when will you have another one' chat. Recently I have decided to just be a bit more open with people when they ask, I find it easier than making something up and masking the truth with a smile or a laugh. I also think it's important to make more people aware of secondary infertility, it can be quite an isolating thing to go through, and people assume when you have one child that either another one will follow along, or you have made the decision to have an only child.

[mumtosammy]

Completely agree gingerbreadbabyplease, people have no concept that problems might come later. I’m also starting to wish I’d known when I was younger how hard it might be later… being 36 does not help as I’m wondering if I’ve now fallen off the over-35 cliff!
I really know how you feel about feeling obsessed about working out age gaps, and about when you hear about other pregnancies. Just head about Wills & Kate this morning and felt a bit annoyed, how awful is that…
But I also feel happy and encouraged when I hear of people expecting their 2nd and having a 5+ year age gap.
I think you’re dead right about personalities though, it’s all about that really, not age gaps. My sister has 2 girls 2 years apart and there’s not been a shred of caring or playing yet, just aggro – while our other friends have a 4 year age gap between their boys and they play really well! They reckon it’s because they’re not in competition for the same toys, so then they come together and have a bit of a play wrestle and giggles, and they big one is so caring and gentle with his little brother.
Trying to hold onto all those things.

Sheddie: good luck for tomorrow. Fingers crossed for you. It would be good to hear about how it goes, if you feel like it.

[Sheddie]

Thanks mumtosammy, I will let you know what happens.
I felt a bit annoyed when I heard about the Wills and Kate news too!
Definitely agree on the age gap thing gingerbread. I don't care about it anymore as long as I manage to have another one! I also agree that by telling people the truth at least they don't think you're choosing not to have another child (it's so stupid the things that go through your head)!

[Sheddie]

Well I had my appointment today. I was lucky because I got to see the consultant who was lovely. He asked lots of questions and then went through the results of mine and my DPs tests. They have all come back normal apart from my progesterone being slightly on the low side at 33, but not disastrous.
He talked a lot about how fertility declines with age etc but at 36 he says I am still in with a good chance!
He has prescribed 3 months of Clomid and then has said if it hasn't worked I should book in for a HSG and he will also up the dose for a further 3 months. I have another appointment with him in 7 months where he will discuss assisted conception options if we haven't been lucky.
So all in all, pretty happy with that.

[mumtosammy]

It sounds like your appointment went really well sheddie, fingers crossed for the clomid and hope you get on really well with it. if you don’t mind me asking, did you have to have an internal exam or anything like that at the appointment? It sounds great that you got given the clomid straight away – I was expecting months more tests once I see the consultant.
Anyway, the hospital rang me today to say they had to cancel the clinic on the day I was booked in, and they’ve booked me in for next Friday instead! Really pleased to have it brought forward by over a month.

[tomatoplantproject]

Hello everyone. I'm feeling quite emotional today - we are ttc #2. Dd is nearly 2, took 18 months to come along and we've been trying for a brother or sister for her for a year. We've had various blood and semen tests - I have the hsg coming up prob a week Wednesday and we are meeting with the consultant early November. At least it feels as if we are taking a little control and doing something rather than just sitting and waiting. It doesn't help that my work has come to an end so I have a lot of time to think about it, and also that all of my nct friends are pregnant - I'm delighted for them but can't help thinking I should be there too! How does everyone else cope with the frustration?

[Sheddie]

Hi everyone. Yes mumtosammy I was really pleased with how quickly it has all happenend, and I know that it is not always the case for everyone. I must live in the right postcode area! No he didn't do any examinations, just asked questions. I don't know whether that's because my tests were all fairly normal. Great news about your appointment being brought forward!

It is so hard tomatoplantproject isn't it. All but one of my NCT friends are on their second too. I hate the feeling that I am being left behind. I'm not sure on coping techniques really. I seem to think about it all the time! I always try to tell myself how lucky I am to have one (and I truly am so grateful) but that doesn't last for long before I'm feeling sad about it again. I hope your HSG goes well. I would be interested to hear what it is like if you feel like sharing. I agree I definitely feel a bit better now that something is happening. The Clomid starts tomorrow!

[tomatoplantproject]

Thanks sheddie and good luck with the clomid. I had a friend over yesterday who has been through it all including ivf (and trying for dc2) and she said that the hsg is uncomfortable (like a contraction) but over quickly. She said to take pain killers about 30 mins before which should help enormously.

I have to say as well I have a couple of friends who have children after struggling to conceive and who I can be completely open with and who are absolutely ace. Everyone else I am bright and breezy with when they inevitably ask about when I am going to have another (which seems to happen daily grr).

[mumtosammy]

Tomatoplantproject I really understand how you feel about the frustration. I think it’s worse with people like the NCT group, where you were all at the same stage at one point, as it just highlights it now that things have progressed for everyone else. I find it easier when I’m with other friends with children of different ages to be honest now, rather than ones who are all exactly the same age like the NCT group, as the dynamic has really changed for me there – they all have 2, and 2 of them are planning a 3rd already. I also find it really helps whenever I hear about people who are expecting a 2nd with a bigger age gap (4-5 years), and have planned it that way! It really helps me feel positive about things, for some reason.
On a practical level, I’ve started running and I am finding that it helps with stress relief.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the second half of the month so much harder than the first. I think it’s when the hormones start changing – I become very anxious about it all and almost feel obsessed. In the first half of the month I feel much better and more level headed, and like it will all be ok.
It’s not easy though. Lately I’ve just been trying to give myself a break by accepting it’s a hard thing so no wonder I struggle with it some days.

[Sheddie]

I hope your appointment went well today mumtosammy.

[purplemeggie]

Hi there - just been catching up with this thread as I haven't popped back for a while. Re the "are you planning another" question - people do stop asking after a while - I'm not sure how much of a comfort that is, but I'm quite relieved they don't ask me anymore. And as to age-gaps - I have two brothers and a sister and we're all well-spaced as my mother had 4 MCs. Growing up, I was always closest to my brother who is 8 1/2 years older than me, so I take comfort from that.
I completely agree about NCT groups...again, it's been so long for me now that they've all finished having their children. I found it hardest though, when a couple of them had their third child. I manage not to resent second children somehow, but three or more seems greedy!
I think it does get easier with time. We are reaching the end of our road - about to embark on our second and final full IVF cycle and I do find now that I want resolution.
Good luck all of you, hoping you get answers and, more importantly, bumps x