Doing IVF when you already have a small child...thoughts?

[Knittingninja]

Hi everyone,

so I realise that I am thinking about a bridge that, frankly, I might never have to cross, but DH and I were wondering.....

We're currently doing IVF to hopefully have our first child. Even IF it works out (not necessarily this cycle, just at all), how on earth are we going to manage going through all this again to get DC#2? (We've always wanted two children but it will be virtually impossible for us to conceive naturally.) Just find the emotional and practical aspects of all the appointments really difficult, and that's when we only have to look after ourselves and no childcare issues!

Anyone had experience of doing this? Advice? Any points of view from partners much appreciated too for DH's benefit.

Thanks xx

[resipsa]

We have DD3 and have done 3 rounds - unsuccessful :-( - in the last 12 months.

It is not the big issue that it might seem to you now. For a start, your DC1 would/could be in a childcare setting during 'office hours' so no need to worry about what you'd do with him/her. And by then, with 1DC, you'll be so used to juggling that it will be second nature.

Best of luck.

[resipsa]

But I can't lie; the emotional bit is HARD. I had 1 BFN and 2 m/cs. Before you have DC, you can avoid others' DC at those times. It's impossible with one. Parties, parks, nursery pick ups - babies are everywhere! Things that should be sweet are bittersweet. Lots of tears but you will always sit those times have yours to hug tightly and that makes it OK (mostly).

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

I have a naturally conceived ds (5).
We've now had two unsuccessful rounds (male factor infertility) and it hasn't impacted ds really.
He's a bit older at 5 but we started this before he started school and just fitted it with preschool.

Where I feel bad is that we have wasted £10k when we could have done nice things with ds with that - holidays etc. and also that it's ruined his early childhood. I'm so miserable all the time about it and as Res says constantly encountering people that have popped out several babies (in case of neighbour 8 babies) effortlessly that it's shoved in my face all the time.
I don't know where we go from here. Physically it's been fine. It's the money and the poor chances of success that will put us off further treatment. I know I will always feel cheated. I know I will always feel sad. But where do you draw the line?

Wishing you all the luck possible with your treatment. X x

[resipsa]

We must stop meeting like this, One/Sleeps...

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

Yeah I know.

Surely we are due a break (you especially) x

[resipsa]

Let's get together with our respective 2nds next year!!!

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

Res I can't tell you how much I would love that.

I've found this cycle much easier (much less stressed) which is just as well as dh hasn't been to any appointments with me apart from egg collection of course. He's been away quite a lot too so did the injections on my own. I got myself really worked up last time. This time I actually felt worse physically but better emotionally.
Were it not for the money id be happy to keep trying but realistically we can't afford never ending cycles plus I think after a certain number of cycles they say your chances decrease quite a lot. Sigh.

How is your dh?

[Dittomark]

DH and I had secondary infertility. By the time got round to the IVF stage (after a couple of years of trying, tests, other treatment that didn't work) DD was 4. We had 3 rounds of IVF in all, finally got pregnant when DD was nearly 6.

The practical aspect was ok: DD was in nursery for the first one, and school for the 2nd two. We needed only childcare a couple of times for 7am appointments.

The emotional aspect was way harder. Obviously I didn't tell DD what was happening. We couldn't ever refer to it when DD was around and she was old enough to understand.

I did all my injections in the evening when she was in bed. I tried not to get upset when she was there. I sometimes told her I had a poorly tummy when I was all swollen and sore from drugs or ops.

The worst bit was went I finally GOT pregnant and a couple of scares which made me thing I was going to lose the pregnancy. I was pretty hysterical on a couple of occasions. The worst one was on the morning of DD's 6 birthday when I had a bleed and was sobbing in the bathroom whilst on the phone to the clinic, and DH was trying his best to put on a brave face and celebrate with DD downstairs :( But it all turned out ok in the end.

[naty1]

Op you never know you might have twins so no need to think about it.
Or have frozen extra embies.
We are on attempt 2 for DC2 (dc1 was icsi) and it is more a hassle with childcare and the difficulty now is knowing when to stop
As with DC1 attempt i would have kept going to have her but for DC2 you feel you have to draw that line due to expense
growing gap between kids
and ongoing stress.
My DD is 2 now so will already be 3 even though we looked into trying again when she was just 1.
In some ways secondary infertilty would be worse for this as the initial investigations and getting to treatment can take around 2 years so say people wait till DC1 is 2 then try for a while, see dr, get referred (privately) you could easily be looking at a 4-5 year gap.
OTOH my DSis has got about 20m gap despite it being 2 fresh icsi cycles, as tou know there is something wrong you start looking at it sooner.

[Dittomark]

Agree that the 2nd time you need to decide when to stop - we said 3 goes and then call it a day. Mainly due to finances and disruption to ours lives.
Disagree about the gap between kids thing being an issue though
There's nothing wrong with a 4-5 year gap, I have a 6 yeaar gap and it's great, there are many advantages.

[Mothersruin75]

We also had secondary infertility, we had three fresh icsi rounds & 2 frozen rounds. DD was 2.3 years when we started ivf after 16 months ttc naturally and 3.6 years when we got the BFP with our DTDs.

We didn't tell her what was happening and like others sometimes it was hard to hide it from her. I always took result day off work, though she was at nursery and spent the day coming to terms with the BFNs by the time she came home I was in a better place.

The child care aspect was fine, needed a bit of juggling but not too bad. Apart from the first round when DH came to every scan, I was fine going on my own to most appointments, except for ec & et. I ended up for my final round at ARGC which is very intense and you need to be at the clinic everyday when stimming for 7am blood tests. DD used to wake up as I was leaving but accepted that mummy was going to work early, DH always did the morning nursery run anyway. Her godmother ended up coming round at 5am to babysit on ec day and she had a few last minute sleepovers with her best friend but these were specific to ARGC early starts and weren't necessary at the other clinic.

We really wanted and imagined a very close age gap between siblings and were working ourselves up every time the gap went up by another year. We are very, very happy to have any age gap and it's worked out that the over 4 year one we've got is brilliant. Eldest DD is so helpful, I can leave her to watch her sisters (briefly!) when I need to leave the room and the interaction between them at 5 & 1 is just lovely to see.

[keeponjuggling]

Hi, another secondary here. We've been trying almost 2 years now. Just in the midst of testing now, keeping everything crossed it wont come to IVF because we simply don't have the money. So I think that is where we will have to draw the line.

I've coped not too badly with the disappointment month after month, my DS is an amazing ray of sunshine that I can't possibly be miserable around. Its really when I'm at work or after he's gone to bed that it creeps up on me. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not all doom and gloom when you already have one (very energetic) bundle of happiness.

The one difficult thing we have had lately is that most of our friends and relatives with kids of similar age are on their second now, so its newborns and bumps galore. But somehow you just deal with it. Logistically I think lots of other have already covered daycare etc. so that hopefully wouldn't be too tricky.

Good luck with your IVF, I really hope you get wonderful news very soon.