Bringing children to your infertility appoinments - Thoughts?

[mawinter]

I had an appointment with the clinic today, several people came and went while I was in the waiting room.

One women came with her triplets, two other women with their sons and one woman with so many children that, I had a hard time counting them all, as they were running around in and out of the waiting room The last woman also had her sister with her.

There were a few other couples in the waiting room during this time as well and I watched as a few people up and left before they were even called, never to return. One poor woman left in tears.

I was texting with DH at the time and said I could understood how some of the women and couples who left felt. He said "Well what are these people supposed to do with their children while they visit?". I said back that there is actually plenty of options and when you have an appointment someplace you usually have ample time to make other arrangements for childcare. He told me IAMBU. Am I?

I am not upset by it, but personally, I find it rude and would never do it myself and of course it got me wondering what others thoughts on this are.

[suzylee73]

I think its extremely insensitive tbh. I know child care can be difficult to get for some people but Christ on a bike its the worst place to take children.
I once had to go for a scan to look for the cause of my infertility and I was sat in a room full of pregnant women all having their baby scans. I sat and cried it was awful.
Im with you on this one, its just plain rude

[Marmot75]

I never took my son to the IVF clinic and if I ever had it would have been an absolute last resort if I had to attend an appointment on a particular day and had no-one who could take him.

I know sometimes it might be unavoidable. But sometimes it appeared to be a choice. I often saw young children in the waiting room, sometimes waiting with the dad while the mum went for a scan or whatever, in which case if the dad isn't needed for the appointment then why isn't he waiting with the child somewhere else?

I am lucky that I have a son but plenty of people at IVF clinics don't and might never and might have receiv bad news that day. So yes I do think it's insensitive to take a child.

[Littlefish]

I also agree that it's insensitive to bring children along to an infertility/assisted conception appointment. I realise that sometimes it's unavoidable, but really, it should be the absolutely last resort.

I would have found it incredibly difficult to have children around at the many appointments dh and I had.

[5madthings]

I was at fertility clinics as I donated eggs, on a few occasions I took ds4 and dd with me, I tried to avoid it but many of my appointments were short notice and I couldn't get childcare. I felt bad and mentioned it to the clinic and they Saud it was fine.

I actually chatted to a few people in the waiting room and explained I was donating eggs, not seeking treatment myself.

Taking kids is not ideal but not everyone has childcare.

[Bumpinthenight]

I felt like this when I went to my appointments especially when the waiting room was also for women who needed early pregnancy scans.

[expatinscotland]

Does this clinic deal solely with infertility? If not, it might be the patients are there for something else.

[TeaTowelQueen]

I had the same experience as suzylee - waiting in a room where there were lots of women and their families joyfully waiting for their scans. Once in the private sector it was much better as there were fewer people and I found most to be very sensitive. I had one success but on subsequent rounds of treatment I made sure I had childcare, even if it meant going on my own.

By the way, 5madthings, you are lovely, just sayin!

[merlehaggard]

Where do you suggest people put their children then? My mum died many years ago, my dad now lives in Devon, my sister works full time, my MIL and FIL are no longer alive, all the rest of my husbands family live about 100 miles away. My friends all work full time. My 3 year old son had never been left with anyone until he started nursery in January. My eldest 2 children were conceived with fertility treatment and spent a lot of time at the fertility hospital. It was bad enough trying to keep appointments and working, yet alone then not being able to take your child. And also, there were quite a lot of appointments, some of them given days in advance depending of how the treatment was working-not allowing much planning even if I did have options.

[5madthings]

Thankyou :) the lady who got my eggs had twins :)

I was very worried about upsetting people by taking my children and asked if they wanted me to wait elsewhere but the clinic were fine with it. It wasn't ideal but life isn't ideal I guess.

If people can arrange childcare I think they should but sometimes it's not possible and you never know someone's circumstances so best not tojudge.

[LizLimone]

I had an assessment appointment at the local infertility clinic and the appointment fell outside my son's preschool hours so I asked on the phone if it would be OK to bring him with me. They said they ask patients not to bring DC for the specific reason that it is upsetting for those who are going through infertility or have experienced losses.

So I made alternative arrangements. DH worked from home for the morning, NOT an easy ask with his employer but we thought it was worthwhile on that occasion. I didn't mind at all as I've been in the situation of having experienced pregnancy loss and difficulty conceiving so I had some empathy. I think those people you saw with DC were just being thoughtless, although it is partly the clinic's fault too for not asking patients to attend without DC.

[Deux]

Curiously, at the (private) IVF clinic I went to, there was a large box of toys in the waiting room.

I did find it odd the first time I saw a young child there. Shocking in fact, just because I thought everyone else would be like me - no kids. I hadn't considered patients already having a/some children.

However, fast forward 2 years and I was there with my son on occasion as I had no other option. I tried to be as low key about it as I could.

The clinic really welcomed children, as that's what they are in business for.

[mawinter]

expatinscotland Yes, solely with infertility.

[firstposts]

It was horribly distressing going to IVF clinic with children there.I can only describe it as rubbing salt in a wound really.

The walls of my clinic were covered in baby pics, success stories. I used to have to steel myself not to cry every time I walked in.

In everyday life I could absolutely cope with kids, but not there.

[mawinter]

merlehaggard, if it were me in your situation I would have tried my best to hire a sitter. Not saying everybody can, but if I knew there was something I needed to do such as this where a lot of appointments may be needed over the course of several days, I would seriously try to make other arrangements well in advance before treatments began, so as to not possibly upset anyone.

Again I realize this may not always be possible, but some of these woman really did not seem to give a shit about anyone else. Nobody asked if anyone was bothered by it, nor did they care when people left, even for the woman who left in tears.

[YoniMitchell]

While it really feel like it's rubbing it in for those having fertility treatment (which may not always be going to plan), I can see how parents needing treatment or making donations (like 5madthings ) might have childcare issues and have no choice.

The IVF clinic we went to had a separate waiting area for those with children with them, which made it a little easier for those without (although you had to go through the 'children's' waiting area to get to the other! ).

I just convinced myself that these children could well be living proof that the treatment could work, as I know some of the parents were returning for more treatment to add to their families after earlier successes. That helped.

[reup]

I had no other option. No family alive/willing/able or friends that didn't work and my dp not able to work from home. I was at a private part of NHS hospital. The waiting area also included dermatology so it was a mix of people. I also had to take my son to epu twice when having miscarriage until my dp could get there.

I would love to have had childcare available but it wasn't until my son was about 3 that I found the sort of friends that would help each other out.

[reup]

I had no other option. No family alive/willing/able or friends that didn't work and my dp not able to work from home. I was at a private part of NHS hospital. The waiting area also included dermatology so it was a mix of people. I also had to take my son to epu twice when having miscarriage until my dp could get there.

I would love to have had childcare available but it wasn't until my son was about 3 that I found the sort of friends that would help each other out.

[FidelineAndBombazine]

merlehaggard, if it were me in your situation I would have tried my best to hire a sitter.

ma some parents never ever use 'sitters', don't approve of or trust 'sitters'. I never did (except family).

It is unsettling for a small child to suddenly be left with a stranger. If family/ regular carers are unavailable, what other option is available? In the daytime most people are at work. It's genuinely tricky.

I'm sorry you were upset.

[Molotov]

My DM let me down on the morning of the day we went to find out why we were struggling to conceive dc2.

Sorry, something's come up at work. I have to be there. Let me know later how it goes, okay?

It was a similar thing a month prior when ibhad my HSG. She promised she'd go in with me, but freaked out at thr last minute as I put my gown on. I needed someone to hild my hand: I held a nurse's hand on the day.

Dd1 was just 2yo when we had no choice but to take her with us. Of course I felt fucking crap about it: compounding the guilt I had of her not being 'enough'; making me feel worse about why couldn't we just dtd and get pg - why all of this? I had to sit there and concentrate upon/take in what the consultant was saying whilst trying to stop our then toddler rampaging around the room ... it was horrible.

I felt guilty beyong words about already having a child and so desparately wanting another. vi struggled with it for a long time. There is a perception that secondary infertility is 'less than' primary infertility ... there are different feelings present with secondary infertility that should be recognised, also.

I eventually figured that most couples mercifully don't experience the black feelings that come with secondary infertility, as most get pg within a year and probably don't question themselves as to why their dc1 is 'not enough' for them.

I've gone off-topic somewhat, but I hope I've explained some of the murky greys between the black/whiteness that your OP presents.

[Reiltin]

We brought our 1yo to a few apts but we're always put straight into a consultation room to wait.

[Molotov]

And our dd2 is a direct result of the 6 cycles of clomid I had. It works. I sent her beautiful picture aged 6wo to the clinic to thank them, and to show others that the clinic's services do work. I had pretty much lost hope by the time I took that final 6th dose of clomid. But it worked. Took a while, but ...

Apologies for the type-o's in my above post

[Penvelope]

I've had secondary infertility and was referred for investigations and eventually IVF treatment.

These appointments were all at the local NHS Womens hospital so it was absolutely CRAWLING with pregnant women and young children.

The investigations I had were in a general gynae clinic so there were women of all ages in the waiting room and loads of children too, and I had scans in the same place they have the antenatal scans.

Once I had an laparoscopy as part of the investigations, and when I was back in my room recovering from the general anathestic I could hear a woman in labour on the floor below me, poor thing was screaming so loud for about half an hour (I think her window was open) :(

When I had my ovary removed I was on a ward with people having hysteretomies, surgical terminations and pregnant women with hyperemesis gravidarum.

This is also the same hospital where I had my DC1, had treatment for my ovarian tumour, and it's also where my friend went after all 4 of her miscarriages.

Luckily the IVF clinic was in a completely separate department, but you still had to walk through the main hospital and up to the 2nd floor past the antenatal clinic and maternity base to get there. But to be fair you didn't see many children once you were in the IVF department, and I never had to take my DD as by this point she had started school.

I think the hospital do their best to be sensitive to patients who have bad news, or are having upsetting treatment, but it must be very hard to keep them separate from everyone else in such a big hospital.

[springdrinks]

DD was conceived through IVF and I had to take her to 2 appts when we started the process again for DS. It was a natural cycle for frozen embryo so I could get a babysitter for the day 10 scan plus bloods but it was less easy when they wanted md to come back for another scan the next day, and the day after.

I was a SAHM, DH, parents, Pils and siblings all worked full time, most in different cities. I could sometimes get a friend to cover but it depended on their shifts.

I hid at the back if the waiting room and explained that it had worked...

[merlehaggard]

mawinter as someone as already said day time sitters are not easy to come by. Leaving a child with any person needs to be done gradually anyway. I do not object to a sitter in principle but the practicalities of finding a day time one is another story. At the time I would have had a very occasional evening one who was an student. It really would not have crossed my mind that it would have upset people. When I had my first child and went to the fertility clinic, others people's children did not bother me and therefore when I was trying to conceive my 2nd child, it did not occur to me.

[Greyhound]

In an ideal world, people suffering the agony of infertility would not have to endure the pain of seeing children and pregnant women in waiting rooms.

When I was suffering recurrent miscarriages, I detested waiting for scans/treatment in rooms where toddlers played and women pregnant with viable babies sat looking at scan pics etc.

Every part of infertility is painful, but none so much as the reality that you are praying/fighting for something that others seem to do easily but you may never achieve.

When, at last, I had a viable pregnancy with my son - and an obvious bump - I made bloody sure I did not draw attention to my good fortune in a room full of people who may never have a child and in whose position I once was in.