Fertile women in their 40s makes me mad!!

[esther39]

Hello. I'm 39 and have been trying to conceive for 2 years now with no success. About 6 months ago i was told i am perimenopausal as i had a high FSH of 20.5. I also have lots of menopausal symptoms too.
I am lucky enough to have 4 lovely, healthy children, (with a previous partner). My husband is 27 and has no children and we would have loved one together. He's a great stepdad to my 4, it's so devastating.
I can't even have IVF treatment as my FSH is too high and on an ultrasound scan i had only 1 follicle and was told my ovaries are quite small, suggesting menopause.
I know this sounds bad, but i get so upset and angry when i see these older pregnant women, late 30s, early 40s. It seems to be getting more common to have a baby later in life. I feel like a freak as i can't get pregnant. Every time i go on Facebook there is another woman i know, around my age announcing her pregnancy, or just had a baby. How in the hell are they doing it!
Of course, it may have not been easy for all of them, some may have had treatment to get there. But i can't even have treatment, nothing can be done to help me, it's over.
I hate these bloody older pregnant women!
Sorry for the rant, but please tell me i am not the only one that feels this way.

[DottyDooRidesAgain]

It is an awful situation to be in OP. I doubt you are alone in your feelings.
However directing your frustration and anger at other women will not do you any good. Being bitter and angry won't change your situation and will eat you up inside.

You don't hate these women you hate your situation.

I would suggest counselling as a good way to put your feeling out there without using anger and resentment.

Again I am truly sorry

[Solaia]

What Dotty said very eloquently.

Welcome to the rage-fest that accompanies infertility! I am in my twenties and can't conceive, but I am making a conscious effort not to be angry with others about it. I just concentrate on DH and I and what we are going to do. That's not to say I don't have pangs of jealousy and misery when I see other people of any age, with babies or pregnant, but their situation has no bearing whatsoever on mine.

It is awful, I know.

[esther39]

Hi, yes, my doctor has suggested counselling and i also have a prescription for antidepressants. Also i am now on my 4th month of HRT, which seems to be helping with my menopausal symptoms a bit.
You are right, i do hate myself. I hate my body for letting me down so early. Thought i had a few more years of fertility left so i feel so down and helpless. My husband loves kids and so wanted his own child. We have only been together 3 years and iv'e turned into this dried up old woman who is a failure.
I'm just so desperate for a baby. Did even think the HRT might help me get pregnant as it's replacing hormones, but it's been 4 months and nothing as yet.
As each week passes i get more and more stressed and depressed.

[DottyDooRidesAgain]

OP please take the counselling.

Your body has not failed you. It has already provided you with 4 children.
You have also not failed your husband. He knew how old you were/going to get when you married (unless you lied about your age ) he must have known having a child with you may not be a possibility and he still chose to be with you..

You need to have the counselling to allow you to move on with your life. If you let it TTC can completely take over and you lose sight of what you have and what is going on in the here and now.

Look at what you have not what you don't. Plan for a future without anymore children and if it happens fantastic but if it doesn't then you haven't spent precious time letting TTC consume you.

[Lauren83]

Hello

I'm 30 with no children and an fsh of 23, been trying 7 years, I'm having donor egg ivf at the mo

[Lauren83]

Have you name changed? Your situ sounds familiar

[mawinter]

I am with lauren83 your situation sounds familiar. erilou38?

[esther39]

First time i have been on here. I am also considering donor eggs but it's a lot to think about what with the costs and the child wouldn't be related in any way to my children and of course it's not guaranteed to work.
Lauren, that's awful, how on earth can you be in menopause at just age 30, my heart goes out to you.
Just read on another website which iv'e been on for sometime about a lady of 46 who has just got pregnant naturally. Good for her, but how on earth did she manage that at her age. It seems so unfair on us younger women.
Lauren, do you mind me asking if you are having IVF treatment in England or abroad ?

[airplanesandsun]

I had both my DC post 40 and both conceived within a month or two . I know now that I am so so so blessed to have a freaky genetic make up that makes this possible. Please don't be angry at us. I never expected to get pregnant easily as I defy all medical advice. I equally have several friends who have a child at 36-42 after years and years of trying and heartache and often IVF. We all know how blessed we are and wish everyone else could have the same blessing x

[Lauren83]

Mawinter that's who I though too!

Sorry Esther your post sounded very similar to another poster from a while ago

I'm having Altruistic donor egg treatment in the uk, its caused by endo my menopause, I'm gutted but accepted it, we had 2 ivfs last year one failed and one cancelled

My partners ex for pregnant first month they tried at 45, is tough to swallow

[YouAreMyRain]

After twelve yrs of TTC I got pregnant at 40 for the first time. I know your 4 existing DC don't make this "ok" but your anger towards older pregnant women is not rational or helpful and you need to get some perspective on this. Those older women may be pregnant for the first time after years of TTC and at their age, it may be their last time as well. I really think that counselling would help.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I would have loved to have a big family, but my body could not cope with it, so I look at your four with longing, too. I've got one son, though, and I know I'm very lucky to have him.

I'm assuming your existing children are older. If you want another child with your partner, have you considered adopting together? That's a pretty special journey all of its own, and you would be doing it together.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

My best friend is 40. She's been ttc for 2 years, hasn't had the best care IMO, Bren on Clomid which now seems like its not the right option for her, etc etc. I understand you are upset about your own situation but you already have 4 children. I do find it hard to accept that you would grudge my 40 yo friend her one and only baby, should she be lucky enough to conceive.

I know this is the fertility board, not my usual stamping ground, but the thread is on active. I wish you well and hope you do manage to conceive but think honestly you should count your blessings too. Many of these 40 yo women will be at the end of a very hard, long, road.

[Lauren83]

I think the pp makes a good point, you really need to address you feelings, I struggle but I would never be angry or hate anyone, infertility is a terrible terrible thing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, anyone that has a child is soared those empty arms feeling and longing

Put it this way.. II would kill for what you have

Your children don't suspect how you feel do they? Would you consider donor? You would have to have counselling and show you are ok with everything and for me I had to show I had put the idea of a bio child to bed

[ChewyGiraffe]

I'm sorry but I find your attitude really mean-spirited and quite weird. Actually I could have used some other words there, but well, that would be too rude ...

I can't understand why you don't find stories of older women conceiving, perhaps against the odds and perhaps after years of infertility and heartache, quite inspirational. Besides the fact you already have 4 lovely children and these women you refer to might be pregnant with their first, don't they give you hope that you will also get pregnant again?

Are you doing anything to try and help naturally? There's lots you can try - supplements, high protein diet, accupuncture, etc? But you probably also know that FSH fluctuates month to month (as does your follicle count to some extent) so without doing anything at all, its possible that your tests were simply done on a 'bad' month.

Have you seen these threads, supportive forums for women 35+ and 40+ who are trying to conceive?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2078615-Going-Clucking-mental-Old-birds-gather-round

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a1990670-Fab-Forty-Plus-Where-are-the-BFPs?msgid=48111031#48111031

By the way - I conceived my DD naturally aged 43.3, with an FSH of 19.5, having just been rejected for treatment by an IVF clinic. She's now 12 months old and to my mind, totally gorgeous. But I'd prefer she wasn't an only child so, (if its OK with you - don't want to make you mad or anything ...) I'm trying to conceive a sibling. At nearly 45, with a Day 3 FSH of 7 at last check. You see, FSH does vary.

[Lauren83]

Sorry I don't believe its not you erilou

4 kids
New partner 2 years
Went on HRT 4 months ago
High FSH
Thought HRT might increase fertility
Bitterness at women over a certain age
Anxiety issues

There's loads of other similarities too, you were really rude
to everyone last time and I really tried helping you, I'm not getting sucked in again, I was going through such a hard time knowing I couldn't have children and you were there ranting about how unfair things were for you, you really need to think about having counselling not a baby

I hope things work out for you I do

[Lauren83]

And it's going exactly how it went last time for you again isn't it.... No lessons learnt

[Lauren83]

Sorry for typos in the dark with no contact lenses in

[ChewyGiraffe]

Just thought, if your FSH does stay high, have you considered Natural Cycle IVF? Provided you are ovulating, you can have this treatment with high FSH / low AMH. They don't give you loads of stims, but just work with the egg you produce naturally.

See e.g. www.createhealth.org/ivf-treatment-services/ivf-treatments/natural-cycle-ivf

I hope you make a positive plan to move forward.

[Gumblossom]

Sorry to hear you are so unhappy. I suppose you would feel very differently if you were one of the lucky ones, who in their 40's got pregnant? Why be angry with all the ladies in their forties, whose circumstances you have no idea about. MAny of them have gone through years of heartache before they got pregnant. Many have experienced losses.

I know how hard it is to see everyone getting pregnant and having new babies when that is all you want, I've been ttc for 5 years (but I was one of the lucky ones who had a son at age 41). Now I am the 47 year old who wants to defy the stats.

I really think you need to take up the counselling, or something that may help you cope with your sadness. I have found acupuncture very helpful in terms of learning to relax.

I know donor egg isn't for everyone, but if your DH agrees, that's what I'd do. My DH won't go there (he has his reasons and I am okay with it).

Hating others will not make your situation any better, I hope you can find peace.

[expatinscotland]

Wow. 4 healthy children and spiteful to others just because you can't have yet another one.

[EverythingCounts]

Yes, you do have four. I get it that you and your husband don't have a child together, but it's quite extreme to feel other women, who may be having the only child they'll ever get, are somehow getting one over on you. It has presumably crossed your mind that they are probably envious of you and your large family?

[Bange]

Are u afraid yr husband will move on?

I find it baffling that u could be so desparate for a child when u have four. Is it an attempt to make him a father more than for u to have a baby.

If he blames you for the unforeseen when he knew your age then that his failing.

[McFox]

You need to look at how you can cope with what you're feeling. I can't understand how, with such a large family already, you could feel such anger. It's horrible to express such unwarranted negativity towards women who might love to have such a family. I conceived naturally last year at 38 and the chances are that given my age, this will be our only child. I would love more, but I have to be realistic. Your anger does you no favours and makes it difficult to be sympathetic.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I have actually found this thread quite upsetting.

I hate these bloody older pregnant women!

Really?? You have FOUR children. All the women I know who are trying to get pregnant post-40 are desperate to have just one. Most of them did not meet their partners until later in life, so didn't have the opportunity to have children when they were younger.

Since you have been brutal in your honesty, I am going to do the same in return: you have had your turn at childbearing, and are now facing the consequences of marrying a man 12 years younger than yourself. I understand him wanting his own biological children, but your 'hatred' of other women is vile. Get on with appreciating what you have.