A question for 'known' donors

(11 Posts)
serenityrainbow Wed 19-Mar-14 12:25:13

Hi ladies.

I'm considering becoming an egg donor for a friend and though I'm very happy to do this for them as I know they will be very good parents and truly love and care for that baby, I still fear that I will not be able to detach myself enough from that child. I'm afraid I will always see or look for similarities to me or my own children and that essentially I won't really see that child as my friend's but as my own.

Is this a normal fear or does this mean I shouldn't be her donor?

We are close friends and the reality would be that I probably will see that child frequently.

If anyone has had first hand experience of this it would be great to hear from you.

Thanks!

serenityrainbow Fri 28-Mar-14 11:08:42

I've been checking back on this post daily but no replies yet sad

I have no one in RL to talk to about this and feel quite isolated.

Maybe someone out there has donated to a relative instead?

I would love to hear from you or anyone really with any strong opinions either way.

Thanks to anyone reading this smile

Teatimecakes Sat 29-Mar-14 18:14:04

I have no experience of this in RL but didn't want to read and run.
Before I had DS I always used to say that I'd be and egg donor for my sister or close friends. Now that I have my own I couldn't imagine doing it.

I think that if you have these concerns now, imaging how much stronger those feelings may be when the baby is here?

Wossname Sat 29-Mar-14 18:22:36

I am going to donate to my friend, in the next month or so if all goes well. I feel really privileged and lucky to be in the position to donate. I definitely do not feel like I am donating a baby in any way. I see it as donating cells really, but obviously more special than that. Cells sounds very clinical, really, and isn't the word I am after confused

I think you may be heading for trouble if you think you may see a resulting baby as yours. Can you access some counselling/advice at the clinic?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 29-Mar-14 18:25:14

Yy to counselling at the clinic, which I think forms part of the process anyhow. Is your own family complete?

I think it might be possible for you to donate eggs to another couple meaning your friend goes up the queue for an unknown donor - worth enquiring?

Wossname Sat 29-Mar-14 18:57:00

Although the person I am donating to is my friend, and is a lovely person, we are not super best friends and there is a chance she could be moving away in the next few months. I think that is why it's probably easier for me to do it- if we were best friends and saw each other constantly or she was my sister, I would probably think about it in a different way.

I often thought that, had I had my kids younger and completed my family earlier, I would have done anonymous donation. But now I've had my kids, and read up on anonymous donation, there is no way I could do that. I'll do it for this friend and hope with all my heart that it works and, if it does, I'll consider myself incredibly lucky to have been able to help someone in this way.

serenityrainbow Sun 30-Mar-14 22:09:06

Thanks so much for all your replies and opinions. It's good to hear different points of view.

Wossname, thanks for sharing your story, let us know how it all goes for you and your friend. Also, about the counselling, we did have one session but unfortunately we didn't find it that useful. We will definitely have more sessions though as we do really want to give this a shot.

Doctrine, my friend is completely against the idea of anonymous donor so donating to her clinic but not to her is not going to work.

This is such a difficult decision and probably one of the hardest I've had to make. Thanks again everyone for your input smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 30-Mar-14 22:32:53

It is interesting that she is against anonymous donation. Has the counsellor explored that with her? I hesitate to say this but does that feel like a further pressure on you?

OddFodd Sun 30-Mar-14 22:40:20

In the UK a donor isn't actually anonymous though as the child has a right to know who they are when they turn 18.

I'd tread very carefully and have counselling on your own before going ahead. I don't have direct experience although my DS was born from donor sperm and I wouldn't have gone down that route had the laws on anonymity not been changed so I do have some sympathy with your friend's position.

A very good friend of mine was asked to be a donor for her sister and she said no in the end for the reasons you state. While her sister is still childless, I know my friend doesn't regret her choice. You need to do what's right for you.

Good luck - it's a really difficult situation and I feel for you hugely.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 30-Mar-14 22:43:13

Apologies, I meant "donor not known to her"

serenityrainbow Fri 04-Apr-14 11:46:05

Doctrine, yes it does feel like an added pressure. But I guess she just doesn't feel comfortable with all the 'unknowns' when it's an anonymous donation. I think by anonymous she means that she doesn't know this person personally. Looks, personality, intelligence and values are all very important to her and not information she will get from the clinic if it's an anonymous donor. I do understand it to a certain extent but going down the anonymous route would make things easier.

Oddfod, I'm going to counselling with my dh first, then with my friend and her partner if we get that far.

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