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Infertility

How to support my DSis

8 replies

Gooseysgirl · 14/01/2014 04:50

Hi all, my DSis is almost 36 and has been TTC for just over two years.. After a year of no BFP she had testing done. They found under active thyroid which she now takes medication for and also a polyp in her uterus which has been removed. Her DH has been tested and is fine. Consultant's conclusion after still no BFP was unexplained infertility. They had two failed attempts at IUI in the Autumn and are going to try IVF in the next few months. I have two children and was very lucky to have no problems TTC but it was very hard to tell her I was pregnant with my second child as I knew at that stage she had been trying for awhile. She was delighted for us but also got a bit upset for herself understandably. The thing is, most of her friends married around the same time as her (she had 12 weddings to attend in one year!!) so as you can imagine the pregnancies and babies are coming thick and fast, most recently her best friend. She is putting a brave face on it and is very pleased for all her friends but having grinned and bared it for so long is starting to struggle more and more with each new announcement... So... how do I support her? Is there anything she can do to lessen the sadness she is feeling for herself at each new announcement? She has historically always been a very positive, cheery person, life and soul of the party etc and it breaks my heart to see her like this. I've suggested she distances herself just a little bit from the friends with babies without cutting herself off from them - but I don't know if this is the right thing to do or if it would help? And I'm not qualified to advise her not having been through it myself... would greatly appreciate thoughts/advice on how to help her cope..

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Poppet82 · 14/01/2014 13:56

This could have been written by my sister about me (except I had 9 weddings not 12 )

My sister does something that no one else will and it really helps-she just acknowledges that what I'm going through is awful, and says it. When everyone else is doing the 'just relax'...'it will all work out in the end'...'it could be worse' thing, she says: 'this is absolutely f*ing shit for you. I don't know how you do it but you are so patient and amazing'.

Everyone else tries to make you feel better by saying it will be ok. I don't blame them as I've done it myself and cringe when I think back to it. But the truth is that they just don't know it will be ok-because no one does.

Just acknowledging her pain and making her feel its ok to be sad will help. I hope.

Oh, and prosecco. We drink a lot of prosecco when I get my period.

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Andcake · 14/01/2014 14:44

Just help her be kind to herself and listen without trite 'helpful' comments. Procecco is a good start. Also there are some things a dp can't discuss in detail and its easier to do the tmi with a female.

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Phineyj · 14/01/2014 18:12

What the last two posters said. Also one of my friends sent me a really nice card saying she was thinking of me. I kept it on the shelf for ages.

Don't do what my Dsis did - tell me what a pain DC are and/or tell me I was her role model for someone who was happy to be childfree (I think she was trying to be helpful...)

Definitely don't do research into possible treatments (unless asked) or tell her anecdotes about the postman's best friend's fiance's sister who succeeded at IVF.

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Gooseysgirl · 14/01/2014 18:37

Whoops Phiney, I have already mentioned a few IVF success stories of friends... thanks for the tip off, I will keep those anecdotes to myself from now on!

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Phineyj · 14/01/2014 19:08

Yeah, it's probably best -- I am still not on such good terms with the friend who did that incessantly (even though we both have DC now) - one thing that never occurred to her was that as her infertility issues were mostly with her DH, while ours were mostly with me, I might feel angry, despairing and broken in the same way that (I am guessing) her DH did.

It is a depressing experience and you can't really go wrong with acknowledging that is the case and then offering the prosecco-style cheering up. Just listening is very helpful. Not many people listen properly. I ended up paying a counsellor essentially to do just that!

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Phineyj · 14/01/2014 19:11

I thought this was good advice. I considered printing it and handing it out at one stage.

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/uploaded/Fact%20Sheets/Families%20Parents%20Friends%20and%20Colleagues.pdf

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Gooseysgirl · 14/01/2014 19:23

That's great Phiney, very useful! I've forwarded the link to my mum who's heart is in the right place but not the queen of tact at times...

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Luckystarfour · 23/01/2014 22:12

Goosey girl - sounds like your a fan sister and soot on to me. Wish I had a sister and not a brother at times like this. Can we swap? Haha x

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