Infertility meltdown

(246 Posts)
HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 00:06:14

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this sad). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff sad

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Mellowandfruitful Thu 02-Jan-14 00:14:00

I'm not an expert but I'm sure others will be along. Sorry you are so upset about this. It is hard to bear with something when you feel helpless to do anything about it and when you don't know the cause.

In terms of doing something, could you ring the clinic and say you would be keen to take a cancellation if one comes up, to get in earlier if possible?

There are suggested supplements (Vitamin B6 is one I think) for lengthening the luteal phase so those might be worth looking at.

Please don't panic amber, the clinic wouldn't have started you on clomiphene first if they didn't think it was worthwhile -ie it's better to try it before going through an hsg as there was a chuffing good chance that one of the first three cycles would work.

If they want to do an hsg now then it will only be to 110% confirm that your cavity/ tubes are ok.

Remember, if you're on clomiphene and they give you "normal" ovulatory cycles then this is only restoring "normal ovulatory function". So even if a woman ovulated, it can take a while to conceive. I know that after here cycles you're going to be pretty heartbroken, but please please please don't lose hope sad

Could you get in touch with the clinic to see if you could arrange your hsg before you go back to see them in February?

Argh, new pad and tired!

Even if a woman ovulates

I know that after three cycles

Ambler! Not Amber!

gives up and considers wine

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 00:32:15

Thank you Mellow and ohfour for your replys. I actually feel better knowing there are kind people out there in the world who give a shit!

I'm going to take your advice and phone the clinic tomorrow to see if I can bring my appointment forward, or try to schedule the HSG.

Mellow I've tried B6 in the past but it made my cycle go weird!

ohfour I know you're right re "normal ovulatory function". My DH says I should view see it as starting again with a level playing field. I just wish I could carry on with the clomid now!

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 00:34:29

Ack - *replies! I can spell really...

I know what you mean -you feel like you're making progress then you have a break from the pills and you feel like you're hopelessly back to square 1 until you start taking them again. And no matter how good it may feel that you're on a level playing field, it is so fucking unfair that you need something to do the levelling.

Ambler, this is going to sound daft, but you're allowed to feel a bit down, ok? You're going through a lot, it's a massive roller coaster of emotions. And, just at a guess, you've been so good all Christmas, watching your alcohol intake etc, being sensible, and now af has arrived and you wonder why you bothered?

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 00:55:12

Ha! ohfour you have hit the nail on the head! I said those exact words to my DH earlier this evening - why have I bothered:

Watching my alcohol intake
Cutting down caffeine
Taking folic acid for 19 sodding months
Making sure we have sex at the right time every month
Checking my cervical fluid like a bloody loon!
The list goes on...

And that's the thing that really gets me. It's just so FUCKING unfair sad

Why does my body have to be crap when everyone else's just works?

Thank you for being so understanding thanks

Yep - and people who don't do all that seem to conceive so bloody quickly sad (which tbh I don't think is the case at all, but it really feels like it at times) sad Then you feel guilty for thinking that way and it all feels worse somehow.

And then, to top it all off, even the sex starts to get boring and monotonous!

Is your DH supportive? Do you have any other support in rl?

Also, the other thing to remember is that although it feels like other people's reproductive systems just seem to work, a great many try for a while before getting a bfp - but so many people suffer in silence sad

Afaiac that doesn't help anyone sad

Ambler can I suggest you head over to the conception topic and find the Elderberry Pavlova thread? It's a group of women who've been trying more than a year and many are/have had investigations, clomid, IUI and IVF. Best of luck for the future

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 01:21:52

My DH is amazing - he (ahem) steps up every month as many times as required! And says we just have to keep going and we will get there. Although you're right, it isn't great for our sex life... new year's resolution - must do something about this!

Poor boy doesn't have a clue what to say to me when I get in a state about it though - like this evening. That's why I'm on here really - I needed to talk to someone.

A couple of my friends know what's going on and have been really supportive. But they haven't experienced this (not yet ttc) so I don't think they really 'get it'.

The sad thing is I have lost touch with a few friends who are pregnant/ have had babies as I just can't cope with how it makes me feel sad

This is very me, me, me isn't it?! Don't want to make assumptions, but I hope you're ok too smile

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 01:23:48

Thanks NotWithout, I'll take a look

ComplexAndDangerous Thu 02-Jan-14 01:25:49

ohfourfoxache agree completely, I'm one of those people

Never told anyone, not even my family, we were TTC. Had a line about not being ready yet, career etc. used to even say 'babies, yeuch' but we were trying and trying and getting nowhere

Metformin, exercise and progesterone supplements were what worked for us eventually but it was a long slog

...we told everyone it was a surprise pregnancy, because to us it was, we has all but lost hope. Still, I feel bad thinking that others might think I was one of the lucky ones. I just didnt want to open up about our struggles .

Your DH sounds wonderful ambler grin Trouble is boys just aren't the same if that makes sense - I think they can find it very hard to know what to do when af keeps appearing month after month after month. That's what's so chuffing good about mn!

Complex we sound rather similar - also use the "not ready" or "I can barely cope with our 2 cats " line. Worked in reproductive medicine for years, and for ages after DH and I got married it was all "so when are we going to hear the pitter patter of tiny fox paws?" It got so bad that I put in a formal complaint about 1 particular colleague as she wouldn't stfu. But people don't realise, or worse still, they are completely unable to take the hint that certain topics are not up for discussion.

Ambler for the love of all that's holy, do not feel bad about losing touch with people who have got dc/ who are up-duffed. You need to concentrate on you and your situation, and if keeping in close contact with people who have what you are so desperate for makes you feel crap then you just have to distance yourself.

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 01:36:43

Hi Complex

I'm so pleased it worked out for you in the end. It makes me hopeful that one day it'll work for us too smile

Sometimes I wish we hadn't told anyone. I remember excitedly telling a couple of my close friends that we were going to start trying. Oh, how naive I was back then...

I'm not sure I would be coping (as much as I am) without being able to talk to people about it. But I'm also starting to feel pitied (I could be projecting this on people) which is pretty crap.

It's weird, isn't it - it starts off so positive and all "yes this is going to happen" then when it doesn't happen you get all the quizzical looks - eg questioning why you're not drinking if you're just trying to be good. And the comments "are you pregnant yet?" Oh lord the comments! sad

Sorry complex, very rude of me, huge congrats! When are you due? Sorry to hear you went through such a difficult time x

ComplexAndDangerous Thu 02-Jan-14 01:45:33

Not at all, baby is born and 2 years old now!

Aw! How wonderful! grin Bet Christmas was fantastic - at 2 years old it's all so magical!

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 01:48:02

I think it just doesn't occur to people. I don't remember any particular examples, but I'm sure I must've said something tactless to someone at some point before we were in this situation.

It's made me so careful about what I say to people generally - you just have no idea what's going on in people's lives.

I'm useless at lying, so on the few occasions where people have asked I've just got completely flustered and not known what to say. I probably should come up with some 'lines' grin

ComplexAndDangerous Thu 02-Jan-14 01:49:32

We never told anyone when we started TTC as I knew I would probably struggle to conceive (PCOS and other hormonal and physiological problems).

My friend has just had IVF twins and she was the least likely person in the world to conceive- literally had every problem you can imagine, and male infertility with her DH too, oh and the tiny issue of no Fallopian tubes. Science has come so far, really and truly most people get there in the end and I am sure you will too.

HappyAmbler Thu 02-Jan-14 01:50:10

Oops - xposts! I'm off to bed.

Thanks very much all for your kind and helpful words.

ComplexAndDangerous Thu 02-Jan-14 01:51:24

fox yes it truly was!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now