Help - falling apart - clomid not working?

[stmalo]

I'm a complete mess, having done 2 months of clomid, no positive hcg, yesterday I got time of the month and I'm absolute emotional wreck. I feel completely isolated, dh does not understand,
I read the clomid was a complete waste of time if you're over the magical 40. I'm now 41. I started this pathetic journey 4 years ago, got to 14.5 weeks and lost the first, was told I was too fat, so spent 18 months losing weight, so that the NHS would consider me normal - got pregnant straight away, and lost that one 8 weeks later - that was last November and now I can't get pregnant. I'm sooooo peeved, I've started looking at IVF and it look absolutely terrifying, I have an unnatural fear of doctors as it is, and I'm not sure I can do this - thing is if I can't get pregnant, what the hell am I here for... Sorry but I'm sooo pissed off I can't begin to explain.

[looseleaf]

This sounds so hard. If it helps I was 32 and I still took 6 months of clomid. Try to relax too (sounds unhelpful but does increase your chances I think as stress hormones don't help)

[looseleaf]

Also I'm really really sorry you're feeling like this. I found it hard too with 3 years ttc for both our children but I was ok with the idea it might not be possible. Not everyone is and I really send lots of positive vibes and hope you'll update us with happy news. 2 months of clomid isn't much and look after yourself

[lozster]

stmalo - it feels bleak at the moment and you are dead right about 4 years being a long time, but routes to parenthood can be very different and not getting pregnant does not make you irrelevant or unnecessary.

So, a few points based on my experience. If clomid is the right medical intervention for you then 2 months is not long. However, when I was put on this treatment with undiagnosed infertility issues, some kind soul on here sent me a couple of papers indicating that clomid works no better than chance in patients who are undiagnosed. So, it could be worth you challenging on whether this is the right intervention for you.

Regarding IVF, there are many problems with this route (money, time, emotional toll) however, having done it four times, I can say that it is essentially a mechanical process that is not terrifying at all. Like many things in life it can seem overwhelming at first but when you are doing it step by step it is relatively straightforward. The injections, the scans, the medical part is easy peasy (honestly, many others will back me here). Controlling your emotions is harder particularly on round one. Although 2 months on clomid is not long, you might do well to move to IVF with your own eggs sooner rather than later. I'm not sure if you have had an AMH test done? This gives you an idea of ovarian reserve. Mine was terrible (score sub-fertile) but I still got pregnant at 40 via IVF. Honestly, I think luck has a lot to do with it though I did also take DHEA for about 6 months before my last successful cycle. I'm not sure if you have had an AMH test done? This gives you an idea of ovarian reserve. Mine was terrible (score sub-fertile) but I still got pregnant at 40 via IVF. Honestly, I think luck has a lot to do with it.

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I can see why you are feeling low. They were fairly late too so I can imagine how devastated and cheated you felt. I am often (irrationally) angry at what some women and their partners go through to have a child. We all know life is not fair but it bloody well isn't. I think that as you get older, more of your eggs carry chromosomal abnormalities and that can be a reason for miscarriage - probably more likely this than being overweight I would have thought. I haven't been in your position but I heard on here that after 3 miscarriages you can be referred by the NHS for help.

I have a few tips for coping. Apologies to anyone who has read my posts before as I know I say this time and again. 1) always have an A plan that you are executing then a B plan of what will come next. This way I never felt that there was no hope for me. So A plan was try 3 rounds of IVF with B plan of go for donor treatment/follow up adoption routes 2) Take back some control in your life - you lost weight and that sounds like a fabulous achievement. Is there something else that you can do? Doesn;t have to be fertility related even - a friend has taken up horse riding lessons to give her a sense of achievement, progression and enjoyment 3) be open to all routes to parenthood or at least consider if they could work for you even if they are plan D, E and F 4) join the website fertility friends if you haven't already - you are more likely to find women who have had your exact experience than on here though I have always found this site.

You may find this book useful:
www.zitawest.com/buy/books/fertility-and-conception/zita-west-s-guide-to-fertility-and-assisted-conception.htm
Personally I find the woman and her fertility industry a bit annoying and exploitative but this text has a lot of relevant info in it amongst her dodgy science and money making woo. I ordered a copy from my library so I didn't line her pockets too much!

Apologies for the epic post - hope there's a morsel in there that is marginally helpful - Loz.

[Aworryingtrend]

What dose of clomid are you on? 50mg (1 tablet) didn't make me ovulate 3 cycles in a row but I got pregnant the first time dr upped it to 100mg.

[stmalo]

Thank you for all your messages, I haven't had an AMH test, just more blood tests and more day 21 tests, have another apt in august to see if clomid has worked re:ovulation. Thank you for the book reference too - I will take a look.
I've been an emotional wreck since taking the clomid, and I have heard that it can be upped to 100mg, I'm worried what this will do to already fragile sanity!. For the first time ever, my husband offered to cover work for me today (my own business) because I was such a mess yesterday, and so I have 'pottered' today and hopefully will feel a bit better next week. And then I can start again with Ovulation sticks and so it goes on ....
I think that panic is definitely setting in around age and the problem has in the past been staying pregnant, so even if I do get pregnant, it won't be cartwheels, but worry about what happens 8-15 weeks down the line ... For now I will focus on my next appt, and try to get this across to them and find out what options I have.
Thank you again.

[stmalo]

I don't know what the big smiley is doing in there!

[stmalo]

I wanted to post an update.
In August last year I got a bfp :-)
And our first little one is due in the next week, we're still very very nervous, and at the same time can't wait to meet our little girl or boy.
Don't give up, we nearly did, thank you for everyone's support.
xx

[Gingerbreadlady1]

Congratulations stmalo & thanks for the up date. I'm on clomid at the mo so lovely to see it can work! Dud you get your bfp on 50mg? Cheers

[PreciousPeach]

Congratulations, I'm feeling pretty down today and your update gives me hope! Best of luck with your delivery and enjoy all those new born snuggles!

[Fankletastic]

It's really nice to see this update and a positive outcome. Thank you for sharing Stmalo. And all the best to you!

I'm on 4th round of clomid 50mg and in the 2ww. Tempted to up the dosage for next month...problem is I am not on monitored cycles so have no idea how I'm responding to the clomid. Would have to check with my FC about upping to 100mg...Stmalo, what dosage were you on?

!