Advise on telling an infertile relative you're pregnant (again)

[pamplem0usse]

I don't want to out myself hence not too much detail.
DC1 was born two years ago, the month before my brother and sister in law had their first miscarriage. Three more have happened in the intervening period and I'm now pregnant with DC2.
How is best to tell them?
Sooner or later?
Any do's/don'ts?
How can we show we're sympathetic without suggesting that we should have waited for them to have a baby before adding to our family?
Any advice gratefully received.

[fossil97]

Probably helpful to let them know early on, rather than them hear it from others and feel they are being "sheltered"

[PicaK]

Tell them sooner rather than later.

Accept that they will be genuinely pleased for you and sad for themselves. That's a tricky combo so best to tell them when they can be delighted and enthusiastic for ten mins and then bugger off and weep in private. Ie not at the start of an evening out or before a particularly tricky day at work.

Don't feel guilty yourself.

Don't assume how they are feeling or bang on about how hard they must find it.

Hopefully they will be thrilled for you. Should they be having a really bad day and make a chippy comment then they are totally in the wrong. But let them off. Infertility really messes with your head.

You are lovely though for thinking abiut them.

[Fairygodmother1]

I agree with the advice - sooner rather than later, not when you're in front of everyone, at a time when they can make a quick exit if needed, not with a text of the scan, don't press for them to be excited for you straight away (give them time to come to terms cos they will).

Glad that they have a relative thats asking for advice & thinking of them. Wish we all had relatives like that!

[kensingtonkat]

I can't have kids and I'm always thrilled to hear about new babies.

In my experience, the plotting amongst friends behind the scenes is far more distressing than a friend just telling me.

Infertile women have nice things happening in our lives too, we're not all bad barren witches casting the evil eye .

[cornishsue]

I was in the situation of being the infertile relative for many years when everyone around me (or so it seemed) was getting pregnant.

I found it so difficult and emotional when someone told me - I found it even worse if they didn't. My initial reaction was usually self pity/anger which gradually diluted as I realised I was truly happy for the couple. The two emotions of sadness for us, and joy for them usually then went along side by side.

Looking back I found it easiest when a friend/relative told me in a letter. I know some may think this is a cop out, but it wasn't. A letter meant that I could have those initial feelings in private - I could cry, curse and screw the letter up and wax lyrical to myself about how unfair life was. But then in a day or so when I felt ready I could speak to the pregnant relative/friend with genuine congratulations. It was the kindest possible thing when one friend, who seemed to instinctively understand wrote to me "I know this news will hurt you, but I know you will be happy for us too. Ring me when you feel you can and I understand if that will take a little time."

For me that was the easiest. The worse was receiving the news face to face when I tried to say the right thing, but ended up being upset myself and upsetting the pregnant friend/relative too.

So my advice would be by letter (as I said I know others may disagree). You sound so sensitive - I'm sure you will do do it just right in whichever way you decide.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

[alphabite]

I can't have children. I would be really sad if people didn't feel they could tell me about their pregnancies. Just tell them. It'll hurt like hell for them but if they are anything like me they will still be thrilled for you.

Tell them early as they'd rather hear it from you.

[Poutintrout]

I agree that hearing sooner is better.

I have been trying for a long time and am under a fertility clinic. My family know this. I have recently been told about a family pregnancy. The pregnancy is very advanced and I feel gutted to think that people were probably shielding me from it and deliberately not telling me (the thought of family members having this secret makes me feel a bit sick actually). While I accept that this didn't come from a bad place, it has made me feel a bit stupid and guilty, like I have been some fly in the ointment for the happy couple.
While news of the pregnancy did hurt and of course I am envious and wish it was me, my over riding feeling is one of happiness for the parents to be. They are lovely people and they deserve to be happy. My fertility issues are my problem, not theirs.

Finding out so late also means that I now have to process the announcement and birth in quick succession. Not ideal.

I agree too that I find the best way of hearing baby news is in writing (an e-mail that can be read and digested alone and emotions worked through in private). That said this isn't perhaps the most appropriate way to inform your brother and SIL. If I were your SIL I would prefer to hear it from my husband so I could have a good cry in private and not have to worry about either breaking down in front of you or having to put on a brave face (I hate that bit the most). Can you tell your brother in private and he can tell your SIL?

Good luck. It is a difficult situation. The bottom line is that they love you and want to be happy for you. They just want to, at some point soon, have happy news of their own too.

[littlemissbroody26]

Me and my OH struggled to conceive and before I became pregnant there were lots of "im pregnant" anouncements.

The hardest were the face to face ones around a dinner table with other people and the easiest were facebook "im pregnant" posts.

It is horrid hearing it from other people and its no fun trying to hide the natural feelings when people tell you face to face.

when i became pregnat i was very open about the struggle that we have had, I felt like when I knew the couple had tried for a long time it made the pregnancy more of an inspiration that a reminder of what we couldnt have.

Congratulations to you and I hope your brother and sil have a baby soon.