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Infertility

Do you tell people the truth about why you haven't had a (or another) baby yet?

45 replies

queenrollo · 15/12/2011 08:46

Because I've started being very blunt with people when they ask. I'm sick of infertility being some kind of taboo that should only be talked about in whispers.

I was with a friend the other week who asked in the nicest possible way if I would like another child and so I told her the truth. It was actually refreshing to be able to talk about it rather than just say the old chestnut of 'we'll see'...

I know that for some people they are very private about such personal things, and in fact I haven't told my mother what I'm going through because we just don't have that kind of relationship.

But now i've reached a stage where I'm sick of lying to people. I just think 'why not tell them'.....why hide it. It is happening to me. Its no longer something that happens to other people.

OP posts:
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PoppadumPreach · 15/12/2011 08:51

I confided in people who i was close to and though we didn't talk about it at great length, it was good as they knew not to ask but were happy to talk when i was.

the problem is, i found when some people knew they'd say "Relax and it will happen". It jut made want to punch them.

If you're happy telling anyone who asks then do - as you say - why hide it?

I'm sorry you're going through this and understand your pain.

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helenlouisey · 15/12/2011 16:48

Have to say that I told very very few people mainly because people didn't understand, and completely lacked empathy, and it ended up making me feel much worse. I think it's one of those things that when you haven't been through it people find it hard to imagine just how heartbreaking it is and what a massive impact on your life it has. I know that maybe telling people might help educate them but my experience of telling people really was very negative :(

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minciepie · 15/12/2011 19:56

Yes, I am now pretty honest about it if people ask (but not otherwise).

So many of my friends are having babies and naturally the conversation turns to "so, when's it your turn". I have taken to saying "well we're trying but not getting anywhere so far".

Yes I do sometimes get the "relax and it will happen" response, which is a bit annoying, but I have learned to smile sweetly and nod... And it's probably less annoying than yet more "so why aren't you having children" questions.

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AuntieDoris · 15/12/2011 21:01

Yep. I am pretty honest. Am fed up with nosey people asking and amused by how they are uncomfortable when I tell them it isn't as easy as one might hope to get pregnant!

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raspberrytipple · 15/12/2011 21:55

I have started telling people quietly that we have been trying for a while but I don't really go into specifics unless I'm asked direct questions. So far it's just friends but I will have to tell work no doubt in the next few months as we are just starting to have fertility tests. I got married a few months ago though and most people have made the assumption that it was only at that point that we started trying to get pregnant so I am telling people who I know I can trust to be supportive and playing the old 'well, we'll see what happens' card with others I'm not so sure about. DH doesn't talk about it, as far as I know he's had one conversation with a friend of his who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them who just took the piss a bit so now DH assumes people just laugh at you if you can't get pregnant which is just not the case.

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Notinmykitchen · 15/12/2011 22:02

No I don't tell people at the moment, but I am seriously tempted to start being more honest about it.

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minciepie · 16/12/2011 10:30

I also think that if I am honest, that might help some of my friends if and when they come to TTC and find it isn't easy for them. Otherwise, it's very easy to end up thinking that everyone gets pg easily except you.

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Abzs · 16/12/2011 20:01

I'm still using "We'll see", but time is a-ticking on and that won't wash forever. If someone asks me do I have children, I just say no. In our friendship groups I'd say the numbers of couples who have and don't have children is about even.

I told my sister in law, she's very supportive (and a doctor). I haven't told any of my family.

My DH told his parents. His dad wanted to know if we were going for IVF (our first clinic appointment isn't until march), and his mum was very understanding and started to tell me about how the gap between DH and his sister wasn't planned... I could have fell through the floor.

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HaveUrselfAFaithyChristmasBaby · 16/12/2011 20:27

Brutally honest these days, especially since i turned 30 and I'm being asked more.
I used to do the coy plenty of them for that then I moved on to well that was the diea and now say theres health issues and until they are resolved, we cant That sends to shut them up! Xmas Grin

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Haberdashery · 16/12/2011 21:18

I just say 'I'd have loved at least one more but unfortunately I am completely rubbish at getting pregnant'. Took a while to be able to say it without feeling like crying, though. Now I can even manage a cheery smile (DD is five and I am so grateful to have her).

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jenrendo · 16/12/2011 21:22

Everyone knows how much trouble we had having the first one but they still ask if he's getting a little brother or sister any time soon. They seem to have forgotten what we went through the first time, so I bluntly remind them Wink

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pinkapples · 18/12/2011 10:09

Everyone who I know knows about me and dh they are all very supportive the only problem I have faced and am still facing is my grandparents they just think it should happen and keep saying just chill it's obviously not your time... Not helpful! As it hasn't been my time at all so far in nearly 5 years!!! But apart from the odd 'relax and it will happen statement' (it won't happen as I have pcos have never ovulated even on ovitrelle and pregnyl hcg shots and need stimulated drugs to even mature my eggs!!)

But I would recommend telling the people u trust as it is nice when disappointment comes to have some people to talk to Grin

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LissTheSeasonLouBeJollie · 18/12/2011 10:59

I tell other people quite readily, I don't see why I should hide it because it makes others uncomfortable.

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pinkapples · 18/12/2011 15:47

My thoughts exactly Grin

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pinkapples · 18/12/2011 15:47

It's no my fault they don't know what to say why should we keep it to ourselves

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HaveUrselfAFaithyChristmasBaby · 18/12/2011 15:49

In fact the more honest people were about ttc, the less awkward conversations like that would be!

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jaffacake2 · 18/12/2011 15:58

My 3yr old used to reply to people asking whether mummy will give you a little brother or sister "no but we are getting a cat!" I got sick of it as I had a pulmonary embolus and nearly died after having her,eventually said why to shut people up.

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bluejuice247 · 20/12/2011 12:52

I'm having a phase of being hectored by jovial middle aged men, as in nod nod wink wink shouldn't you and your husband be getting busy making another baby now your son is four. I used to squirm and feel embarrassed, now I just say we've been busy, but we've had six miscarriages and watch them squirm instead.... Am I nasty? I feel better though :-)

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bluejuice247 · 20/12/2011 13:44

I'll answer myself...people are generally well meaning just a bit insensitive. They've probably been lucky enough to have their families without hiccups, so this is a whole world they will only be dimly aware of, lucky them. So I'm not nasty or rude, just direct with a smile, hopefully teaching a little lesson in sensitivity. These days if a couple have less than the expected number of offspring I tend not to ask why in open conversation..........

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worldgonecrazy · 20/12/2011 13:51

If people ask when we're having another I just say the one we've got was a hard won IVF miracle. I don't think people mean to be nasty or insensitive so I try and respond kindly. It was much harder before our miracle arrived and I wasn't quite so sensitive to other people's feelings if they asked.

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bluejuice247 · 20/12/2011 16:38

Oh yes know what you mean about easier after miracle arrival, before it feels like a club you are never going to join. Three MCs be

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spartafc · 05/01/2012 20:50

I usually say something along the lines of 'this one took us so long to get and I'm just incredibly grateful to have him'. And when we were trying, for those looooong 7-8 years, I just used to say 'I'd love to have a baby but it doesn't happen for everyone'.
There were a few times I would have liked to have punched the person asking, especially the colleague who, oh so kindly, pointed out that getting pregnant is just a question of 'having lots of sex'. Unbelievable.

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eurochick · 12/01/2012 16:43

I am honest too. I don't think it should be a taboo. My family and close friends know what is going on and that we are having tests and treatment, etc. People who are not close to me but beiing nosy get a vague answer intended to let them know there is a problem and attempt to shut down the conversation, such as "it doesn't happen instantly for everyone you know".

Lots of sex, eh spar? If only we had thought of that.

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Bunbaker · 12/01/2012 16:47

I never found it difficult to tell people I couldn't have children. If anything it usually made the person who asked feel embarrassed. I finally managed to have DD 17 years after stopping contraception, but never managed to get pregnant again.

Perhaps it was because I had come to terms with the idea of never having children and was utterly astonished when I finally got pregnant.

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mrsftarzee · 15/01/2012 21:56

I tell people, my infertility is part of my identity, it has changed my life and shaped my future. Despite all the treatments, I have never conceived Sad. Infertility isn't something to be ashamed of, its just something that happens to some of us and shouldn't be a taboo we haven't done anything wrong Smile.

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