So... do you get any time for yourself, and what do you do if you are ill?

[mummypig]

I am definitely deregistering ds1 at the start of next term, and I have it all pretty much sorted in my mind except for these two issues.

I had kind of been looking forward to a bit of time to myself as ds3 (5mo) got a bit bigger. Nothing big, just being able to put him in a creche for an hour and do some lengths in the swimming pool. But ds1 is not a confident swimmer at all and I don't think the creche would be either suitable or available for him. So far the only alternative I've come up with is to set one evening a week as my swimming evening and make sure dp gets home early and is prepared to look after all the kids. It would mean leaving ds3 for longer than the creche though, as I would have to allow time to cycle there and back as well.

And what do you do when you are ill? At least when the kids are at school I've been able to drag myself around enough to get their lunches sorted and get them off to school, then go back to bed. Do you just go to bed and leave them to their own devices or do you have a deal with friendly neighbours? or a dp with flexible working hours who can cover for you?

In a similar vein, what about not being ill but just needing some more sleep? I just feel very unhappy about sleeping if any of the kids are awake, just in case an accident happens and I can't immediately attend to it.

Any suggestions?

Thank you

[mumtoo3]

We have 'quiet time', which is about an hour when all 3 (5,2 and 1) go to there rooms and read, sleep or play quietly, and i get to chill, if i have the energy when dh gets home thats when i would go to the pool for an adult swim

I was ill with a tummy upset a couple of weeks ago, and we had a light few days, so play quiet games, read a book, drawing, watch tele programmes which i had recorded (my choice that way). what i have found is that i have a set amount of work and goals for the year and we keep going till its all done, so at the end of last term, we finished history in june, but science went on till the end of july, so a few days missed here and there through illness is not the end of the world

hth mt3 x

[lindenlass]

We are autonomous so every day is different.

Illness: If I got too ill to care for them then I'd ask DH to take parental leave from work, or call on friends or my mum to help. If I'm just too ill to do things with them then we'd have a tv day and live on whatever is easiest to make them (or whatever they can make for themselves).

Sleep: go to bed earlier?

Time for myself: ha ha! I ensure I get an hour or so on DH's days off (one or two a week) and when my mum comes over (once a week). My friends and I are just setting up a thing whereby we all go to one of our houses and then one of the mums goes off for a couple of hours ON HER OWN!!! The other friends aren't HEors but have preschool aged children. Which brings me to my question to you...

What did you do aboue these issues before he went to school, and what do you do in the school holidays?

[BeautifulSonsMumma]

Hi - I am new to Mumsnet and have jusr started Home Ed for my 5 yr old DS. I have no family or friends to help so if I am unwell, we just have a quiet day.

Don't forget that you are not obliged to keep to the same routines as a school day or term. So a few slack days here and there won't matter because you will cover the learning you need to in the long term anyway.

As far as time to myself is concerned - its limited to when DH gets home in the evening and takes over the bedtime stuff. He also tries to give me a few hours to myself on the weekend. I find that not being forced into the daily grind of school terms and routines more than makes up for not having the 'me time' I had originally planned when DS was going to attend school.

And its lovely having DS home with me all day too!

[clairemagnolia]

When I'm ill that's one of the times when I think "hooray for home ed!"

Like this week for instance: we've all had some horrible fluey virus, and on any given day at least one of us (me and 2 dcs) has been too unwell to leave the house (it's my turn today, sigh), so we've just curled up on the sofa with cbeebies, dvds, books and lots of hot lemon and honey.

We're also autonomous like Lindenlass and I find that the dcs are really good at playing/drawing/raiding the craft drawer/looking at books without much input from me - I just clear up the mess lol.

As for time to myself, well I get more of that now my kids are 6.5 and 3.5. Sometimes I actually get to leave the house alone lol! Never got any solo-time when they were babies so can't help there.

As Beautifulsonsmumma said, it's great to have your children around you all day and I can't imagine it any other way.

[storkycake]

You're a mother, technically we don't get 'ill', none of us...ever!
Dh would come home, but I'd have to be seriously unwell for that.

Time for self is trickier. It varies depending on mood, how much sleep I've had etc.
I have a point in everyday where I let them watch tv and I have 10 minutes for a cuppa without them interrupting. Otherwise it's one afternoon, once a fortnight when I go to the beauty salon.

If I needed time out after a stressful day I would tell Dh how I felt and head off. He does the same, but it's not often necessary.

I found that my kids don't crave my attention all the time because I'm around them all the time, so the pressure on me is less IYSWIM.

Sleep is for the weak!

[Fillyjonk]

I get almost no time alone atm but that is not because I am HEing, it is because I have a 9 mo baby. The older two (3 and 5) are very used to entertaining themselves and, without too much difficulty, I have been able to do the first year of an OU degree while they played.

Dp has actually never taken time off for me being sick, he would if I actually couldn't care for them though. But normally, we'd just have a day without going out. Its no big deal. The kids would entertain themselves and I'd do the bare minimum (though I'd probably read to them-but I enjoy that!)

What makes me antsy sometimes on sick days is the whole "are they learning are they learning" worry. But logically I know, firstly, we do HE 7 days a week, with a 1-3 ratio, and although we are autonomous they are certainly getting as much teaching (in a broad sense) as a child in school. So it is fine to have the odd day doing "nothing". And anyway, as probably everyone here will agree, adults "doing nothing" is usually very productive for kids.

If your son is ok to stay with a childminder then could that be an option for a few hours a week, so you could go swimming?

[storkycake]

Or find another HE'er in your area who might be willing to playdate and swap time to enable you to swim. Lots of us do that once we establish friendships.

[lindenlass]

Oh yes forgot to mention the wonderful invention of the electronic babysitter aka the tv! I have four children aged between 2.5m and 5.5y and I actually do get the odd half hour to myself-ish in the day when the older three happen to get into a game or something upstairs in their room. Also, our only tv is in our bedroom, and it's not connected to an aerial so you can't watch tv on it, only videos and dvds. So I either grab time when I can, if they suddenly get engrossed in something elsewhere in the house, or if I'm desperate for a break, I ask them to please go and watch a video/dvd which they rarely say no to .

[milou2]

Sleeping...when my 2 were little I'd sleep/doze on the sofa while they were in the same room. I would make sure the doors were shut so they wouldn't wander off round the house. If one fell over I'd know about it instantly!

Long familiar videos helped if I needed to rest. I never got to see one of them straight through myself!

[nissa]

I am pregnant with number 2 and I HE my 7 year old.

I had horrific morning sickness from weeks 5 - 15 this time around. I was so greatful for not having to get up early to do the school run!

We just spent time laying on the couch with her reading to me when it was really bad and we saved anything else till I was feeling better in the afternoon.

If it was just a bug then a few days of minimal work won't really hurt. You can make it up at a later date if you feel guilty. That's the beauty of HE. It's flexible and you can fit it around your situation if need be.

[designergirl]

I shld point out that teachers at school also get ill, and kids probably do minimal work on those days also. That's part of life really. If you kinew other home edders in your area cldn't you ask them to take them for a day or two while you feel better?

[mummypig]

Hello all. Thanks for your answers.

I'm not worried about routine at all, or being 'behind' in learning. Especially having just read my first John Holt book and being completely inspired by how children are motivated to learn all by themselves. It's just how I can manage if I'm really tired or have had no time to myself.

At the moment ds3 is 5 months old, ds2 is only doing half days at school and ds1 is full-time. I think I should point out that ds2 has epilepsy and, whether due to his medications or not, is also very hyperactive. Even a few hours with him is rather draining. That's probably the main reason I really need to know I'm going to get time to recharge and won't just have to keep on going indefinitely. And it limits the number of people I can ask to (or trust to) look after him without me around. But it's also one of the reasons why I think ds1 would benefit from spending more time with me instead of being at school.

Sometimes if I've had a busy night with ds2/ds3 I actually manage to get some sleep while ds3 is asleep and before I have to fetch ds2 from school. I also get a bit of a lie-in (in between feeds) on weekend mornings as the older boys are happy to just go on the computer or watch TV and dp is kind of keeping an eye on them.

I feel much better if I go to bed about 10pm but I can't guarantee that all boys will be asleep until about 9pm. And I never really know when dp will get back from work, and if he gets back when the boys are still awake he usually spends a bit of time with them but then goes to sleep in front of the tv . So after 9 is my time to do swift tidying up (I'm absolutely the opposite of houseproud) and other stuff like getting my sewing machine out, reading, watching TV (rarely) or going on the internet. Evenings often see me staying up until about midnight as this is really my only 'time to myself'.

And I don't get any time to go swimming, which is why I was looking forward to it after Christmas, before I started to think about ds1 and how it would be far better for him to be at home than at school.

Illness: I've been fine recently but when I was in my first trimester pg with ds3 I had a few days when I really couldn't even drag myself out of bed in the morning. On those days dp got the boys to school - but then went to work to leave me to sort out the rest of the day (including ds1's packed lunch which he had neglected to make ). I've never had to ask him to take time off work. And I am very jealous of anyone whose partner works part-time or who has family nearby as neither of these has ever applied to me. Mind you, dp's started to think about a better 'work-life balance' and working part-time so things might improve there at some point.

School holidays - when I was still working the boys were at a childminder a few days a week, so I carried that on in the holidays too. I stopped working two years ago and the first summer I was really worried about how I would cope. But it was great! The boys did a little theatre summer school one week and I also used a playscheme a few times. But at the end of the summer I felt that I could have had them with me for longer. That was before ds2 started having seizures though. This summer just gone was also quite different as I had various family members staying for a few weeks and then a post-natal doula because ds3 had only just been born.

I think my conclusion is that I'll have to give up on the idea of swimming during the day, for now at least, and talk about the rest with dp...

[Fillyjonk]

mp, I think it can be an adjustment

What I find is that my kids are really good at entertaining themselves, even without the tv! I think this is very common among HE'd kids but especially ones with near age siblings (like yours, I think?).

Its possible for me to get time to so things like sewing, actually.

Daft question, but can you not go out after your dp gets back? Pools are open quite late!

I am HEing with no local family, with no friends who, realistically, can take my kids for more than a few minutes (various reasons) and a dp who works long and slightly unpredictable hours, and it is FINE really. You do get into a groove with it

[lindenlass]

I agree with fillyjonk, it's about adjustment. I've seen schooled kids go quite crazy with the freedom in the holidays, whereas HE's kids who are used to it, and have more practice at making their own entertainment (how much opportunity do you have to practice that skill when you're in school full time?) are far calmer. Give yourself some adjustment time and some practice at thinking creatively - there are always ways around things one way or another!

Good luck!

[needmorecoffee]

when ill you lie on the sofa while they watch TV. I have frequent migraines so did that all through the HE years.
Time for myself would come when dh got in from work. I'd take the dogs up the hills for 2 or 3 hours and leave him to it.
But what filly says, HE kids are good at entertaining themsleves (mostly - dd1 always wanted to go to HE groups non-stop. She's the same now at 16, hates to have to amuse herself)

When I was pg with number 4 I was really tired and unwell so I pretty much ignored the older 3 for months. Then dd2 came along and there were problems but the older ones did their own thing although I think it played a part in the decision of each one as they hit 13 to ask to go to school

[mumtoo3]

i have dd1 whos nearly 6, ds is nearly 3 and dd2 is 13 months, we have not slept for a year with dd2 so we are always tired, but we cope and the beauty of HEing is you dont have to work 9-3, so if we are up at 6 we can be done by 9 etc! when we had the lea round dd1 said how the day before mummy was tired and we went out and did retail therapy, and the lea woman said great hands on money work!!!! so they are learning all the time {wink}

mt3 x

[mummypig]

Thanks everyone. yes fillyjonk I will be swimming in the evenings, that's what I meant by giving up on swimming during the day And my boys are generally quite good at entertaining themselves without TV which is probably why the summers have been good so far. Just getting my head around it all and having to change a few vague plans I had.

Nmc you are an inspiration, if you have home educated your kids with everything else that's happened that's a great example of how it can really work.

Will be interested to see how ds1 takes it and whether he wants to go back to school at some point. He's on the waiting list for the other local school so we'll see what he decides if a place comes up.

Feeling more positive today

[believer07]

Of course you get time for yourself, you get time when:

They are on the swings,
Driving the car,
When your asleep.

Well okay, but that's about the only head space I get. Sometimes I have to ask DS1 to stop talking so I can drive. He asks questions constantly. Most people say they grow out of it, but I think its school that forces it out of them as they can not ask freely. I remember having my hand up for lots of questions that I wanted to ask and being ignored, or being to worried about being laughed at, so I soon stopped.

what happens when your ill, depends how bad it is. Usually it takes a mighty illness to keep a mother in bed all day.

I had very bad morning sickness with DS2 for 5 months, I conducted HE from the couch with a bucket and a packet of arrowroot biscuits and lucozade.