Having a last minute crisis of confidence!! Help!!

[siblingrivalry]

Hi,

I have posted on here recently, about my decision to HE dd1(7).
She has sensory problems and I have found the school to be totally crap unsupportive.

Anyway, she is due to return to school on Monday after a 2-week half term break and I don't want to send her. I want to take her de-reg letter in on Monday morning. DH disagrees, however,and wants to give school 'one more chance'
I really can't see the point, as we have had 3 torteous years of practically begging the school for for help- to no avail.

DH has been saying that she will be even less equipped to deal with life if we HE dd and that she will become isolated. I totally disagree and think she will thrive in the secure environment at home. However, without his support or that of his family (who live close by) I will have a mountain to climb. I will do so willingly,because it is best for dd. I am starting to doubt myself though and whether I am going to be able to handle it all.

I would really, really appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.
TIA

[AMumInScotland]

If you've had 3 years of rubbish from them, what makes your DH think that "one last chance" is going to change anything? Have there been any signs from them that they see the error of their ways and plan to deal better with your dd?

OTOH it's better if you do have support from him. Can you face giving it till Christmas? If you have a definite date by which you expect to see some real improvement or else he has to be supportive about HE then he couldn't complain...

Has he seen anything of the HE groups in your area? Maybe if he saw how she wouldn't be isolated, he'd be more confident about the decision.

Just thinking out loud really - don't know if any of those thoughts adds anything or not...

[siblingrivalry]

Thanks, AMIS,

I am not sure I can stick it out til Christmas, TBH. I am certain that nothing will change - her current teacher isn't remotely interested in helping her. I am going to show DH some of the HE posts tonight to try to get him on side. I have already joined a couple of yahoo local groups.

As much as I would prefer not to, I think I might have to put my foot down. Maybe if I ask him to give it a year -am convinced he will see the error of his ways before then!
I have let myself be talked out of HE for at least a year. I'm not proud of that.
Can I ask how you have found the HE experience please?

[julienoshoes]

what about turning that on it's head and giving home ed a go -and then review it seriously after a period of time?

If it is so bad you can't stick school until even Christmas then you have your answer already.

If she has sensory needs then join the HE special needs support list-you will find people there who have been in the position you are in right now.

Give your dh the book-Home Educating Our Autistic Children; Paths were made for walking'
The diagnosis may not be the same, but you will be able to see how others deal with the concerns your husband has.

he could also read some of the Home Ed Special Needs blogs and see how others deal with issues of socialisation.

TBH my children were isolated IN SCHOOL-they simply didn't fit but since they have been home educated the opposite has been true.
Also school type/big groups socialising is the worst thing in the world for some people-mixing with others, at their own pace, is a much better way of moving forward.

and if you want to know how we found the whole home ed experience-our blog is there on Home Ed Special Needs A month in the life of... blog

[siblingrivalry]

Thanks so much for replying Julie. I think, deep down, I made my decision weeks ago. Thanks for the link, am off to join them asap!

I love reading HE blogs. Will be good for DH to look at,too. I think he assumes we need to do 6 hours of 'work' every day to educate dd properly. I feel as though he doesn't trust me to do the job , IYKWIM, but I have been doing research for the last year and am gradually building up my knowledge.

She doesn't struggle academically at school -it's the social side that's a problem. DD hates crowds, lots of noise etc and needs lots of opportunities to move around. Things like PE and swimming are also issues, due to the sensory issues related. She will do so much better in a smaller, less structured environments (home!)

I will let you know how things work out on Monday -am going to do a dereg letter in preparation

[AMumInScotland]

Well if it's been terrible for 3 years and you've already been delaying the decision for a year, then you're not exactly rushing into this without any thought! As Julie says, you could give it a go and set a date when you will look at how it has gone. The schools will still be there after a year if it really hasn't worked out for your DD. If you really can't face sticking it out till Christmas, I can only imagine how bad things have got for you.

We've found HE works very well for us, but since DS is 15 we're in a different position. The special needs lists and blogs will give you an idea of how it has worked out for a wide range of families. It can really make a big difference for children who don't fit in and/or are being failed by schools (also great for those who aren't!)

[needmorecoffee]

good luck siblingrivalry. Its natural to have a little confidence crisis cos you are going against the flow. I bet after a few weeks you will come on here and say its the best thing you ever did.
When I took my 3 out (without telling DH, told him when he got in from work) I though OMG what have I done and spent 2 weeks thinking I'd made a hideous mistake. It was the best thing I ever did, especially for ds1 as he has sensory issues and aspergers syndrome. HE saved his life. At 13 he chose to go back to school as the 8 years of HE had given him time to develop strategies to cope with the world and time to develop at his own pace without being forced into the round peg of school-dom.
I did autonomous education - no workbooks, no structure and yet ds1 still passed trhe entrannce eaxm to a posh school at 13 despite never having done a workbook in his life for 8 years.

[siblingrivalry]

Wow, NMC, that's so reassuring -thanks. I totally agree with you that HE gives the chance for children with SN to develop strategies at their own pace -just what I needed to hear! TBH, that's one of my main aims.

The replies on here have given me a real boost (and more courage). I am going to stand my ground with DH. Thanks again. I have also join the SN HE group Julie linked to.

AMIS - school has been awful since day 1 for dd. She has only recently had her dx, but school don't really want to know.The years of her crying about school/not sleeping etc have been terrible, but I wasn't sure enough of myself to stand against all of my critics.
A few 'issues' before half term (when the staff were putting obstacles in the way of dd getting the support she needs) has forced my hand.

I actually feel sick with nerves, but I won't back down. I just wish I had done this years ago.

I will pop back later....x

[needmorecoffee]

you'll be fine. How does your dd feel knowing she never has to go back? You might find she becomes a different child - in a good way. And just knowing that you are prepared to fight her corner is a real boost for a child.
DO NOT attempt school at home! There's a tendency to rush out and buy workbooks and it nearly always ends in tears. Your dd will need some de-schooling time - allow till Xmas. Just be together and have fun. Give her space, let her have lie ins or spend the day watching TV in PJ's. Ask her what she wants to do. Let her help with cooking etc (and thats great for maths without the child realising). Ask her if she'd like to go to museums but again, don't rush trying to go to every museum in a week or make it an ordeal by reading every card in the museum in a sort of false jolly voice cos you're desperate for her to show 'learning'
When you are ready find some HE groups if your dd wants to. Most towns and cities have one (you can find out on the EO website. You don't have to join EO and to be honest I wouldn't bother given that the organisation has some issues right now). There's several yahoo lists for home -educators. Then-UK, Education Everywhere, UK-HE, Ahed, where you can ask questions and meet people. Like Julie said, the SN list too - it is dominated by autism which was handy for me with ds1 but not so useful with dd2 who has cerebral palsy.
Relax

[siblingrivalry]

Thanks NMC. I think you have been reading my mind re the way to progress initially! I expect it will take a while for dd to settle into being at home -she is all over the place at the moment, going from tantrums to being irritable to withdrawing. I have joined a couple of yahoo lists and am discovering a wonderfully supportive network.

x

[needmorecoffee]

thats great.

[lilyfire]

I do second what everyone else has said. I had a horrible two weeks agonising over whether to turn down a place for DS1(5) at local much sought after school. DP wanted him to go and thought HE would leave him friendless and unprepared for life. Eventually turned it down. I guess it's much too soon to say whether it was the right decision, but we're having a really good time and I can see DS is learning and having fun and socialising. Also DP is much more relaxed about it, because he is starting to see how it works and that it actually fits the way we function as a family well. Would agree, give it a try and trust that he will also see the benefits. It is v frightening, but I found that agonising over the decision was horrible and since deciding it's all seemed fairly easy and straightforward.

[Runnerbean]

Agree with lilyfire,
I agonised for weeks and can't believe how terrified I was two years ago at having to make that decision.
When the de-reg letter went in however, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and everyone I know says the same too.
My only regret is I didn't do it sooner!

[siblingrivalry]

Thanks Lily and Runnerbean, for your encouragement. It helps to know that other people struggled with their decision too.

DH is at work today. First thing this morning,though, he was still going down the 'stick it out til Christmas' path. I've got my work cut out

[milou2]

I put my foot down with my son. I had let him down for years by pushing him into school. My husband was abroad when I made the decision. When he came back I suggested he sit down before I told him how our week had been.

I simply turned into a tigress and stopped taking crap from other adults. Not diplomatic, but effective. There comes a time when "stick it out for yet more time" is a delaying tactic which disrespects the suffering someone has already been through.

Ask your DH how long he wants you to withhold the morphine should he need it one day. A week, a month, til Christmas? See how angry I am just thinking back to my experiences.

[critterjitter]

Essentially, you have to ask yourself whether or not you and your child could do another 3 years feeling as miserable about school as you both have.

Home Ed has its highs and lows, but you rarely (if ever!) reach those particular 'school lows' e.g. trying to carry in a struggling tearful child to school, or feeling like you're viewed as a pain in the butt by the school because you have an unhappy child and you want to find out what's behind it. And last of all, being told by the school that everything is "FINE" (and wanting to explode!)

[Runnerbean]

Just talking to my dd(5) this morning, siblingrivalry about "How long is it to Christmas mummy?"

We counted the 'sleeps' and to her it seemed a very long time! Remember to your dp Christmas will be here in a flash, to your unhappy dd Christmas is a very long time away.

[siblingrivalry]

Thanks for posting, critter and runnerbean.Both of you have raised points which are extremely poignant to me at the moment.

Quick update. Last weekend, dh and I reached a 'compromise' when we agreed that dd1 would do another month at school and when there was no improvement,we would remove her. Fast forward to another week from hell, with the school again ignoring all relevant advice about dd's SEN. I decided last night that enough is enough and told DH that I wanted to dereg dd asap.

He is basically back-peddling on our compromise and refusing to go ahead with HE. When I was out earlier, he basically talked dd into staying at school. I am so .

I now feel physically sick,because the price of keeping dd at school for even one day is too high for her. The atmosphere here is tense, to say the least. I am sure of one thing, though - dd will be leaving school next week, even if I have to go against dh's wishes.

Thanks for everyone's support. I will be back soon.

[Fava]

I'm so sorry that it didn't go as well as hoped with DH. It took me almost 3 yrs to get everybody on board (DH, his family and mine!) and we have only dereg ds last week!Just keep stating your case! Your DD is too young to make choices and would easily be cajouled............Keep strong and remember you're not the only one gritting teeth. BIG HUGS.

[nissa]

Your story sounds so familiar to mine.

My dd is also 7 and we had 3 years of school which were just a nightmare in my eyes. I BEGGED them to test her for learning difficulties only to be told that she had a few gaps in her learning but it wasn't serious enough to label her. They even admitted that even if she was dyslexic then they would probably not be able to meet her needs anyway.

She was dx with meares Irlen but they refuse to print her worksheets on coloured paper even if I provided it... They also continued to make her read from the white board even though the glare was causing her problems. I spent the whole time banging my head against a brick wall and being made to feel like I was making it all up and she was fine!

I eventually cried too many tears as did she. I decided home eding was the way and we haven't looked back since! We are loving it.

I don't have the support of anyone else as I am a single parent with another on the way. It is hard but you manage it because you know in your heart it's the right thing. Ultimately, I enjoy it too!

I decided that if it didn't look like it was working after a year I would look into a different school.

Give it a chance. Your OH my be pleasantly surprised!

[critterjitter]

Sibling Rivalry

I'm presuming here that your husband doesn't deal with the school side of things e.g. pick ups, drop offs, talking to teachers/ head etc...

I would suggest asking your husband to take over the drop offs and pick ups and communications with the school. You could suggest that he takes a week off work and takes over 'that side of things' for that week. Make sure that he has to deal with teacher/head etc. re. the ongoing issues etc. Then review the situation again at the end of the week, once he has gained an insight into how the school works (in relation to you and your daughter) and how your daughter is with going into school etc.

It might give him a good idea of what you're up against!

[siblingrivalry]

Hi.
Nissa, Thankyou for reassuring me. I have said so many times this week that I am banging my head against a brick wall. You sound as if you know what I'm going through!
I am delighted HE is going well for you.

DH is now starting to come around to my way of thinking,critter.He admits there probably is no other way forward. I made your exact suggestion last weekend -partly to show him how hard it all is and partly because I am now totally drained. He said he would do so gladly, but doesn't have enough annual leave left . He wouldn't last a day.

I am now optimistic that HE will happen very soon. I have had 2 meetings with the school, in which they agreed to carry out basic support for dd's SEN. Yet again, nothing has been done. It's becoming a farce TBH and I am vey rapidly reaching breaking point.

I love to hear from H Edders, it reassures me that I am not on my own and that I am doing the right thing.

[critterjitter]

Yes, I know that 'rapidly reaching breaking point' (dealing with the school) feeling all too well. I used to be in tears of frustration, anger and sadness most nights. It wasn't good.

I'm not saying that everything is brilliant all the time with HE, but you do know what to expect on a daily basis.

If your husband can't get annual leave, then suggest to him that he needs some 'sick leave' to give him time to see what's going on at the school.

I must admit that when DD's dad visited her school to support me in a meeting he sat there with a sort of "what the hell's going on?"-type look on his face (as he fell off one of those tiny infant seats!) He then said that he was confident to leave that side of things to me!!! [hmmm]

[siblingrivalry]

Yep, the tears at night are becoming more frequent -I can't sleep either. Critter,seems that you definitely have the t-shirt!

DH can't take any sick leave, unfortunately, cos he's having an operation in 3 weeks so will be off work for a few weeks afterwards
(cue 'I will be stressed to the hilt with him under my feet' emoticon!!)

I am so frustrated today because he just keeps saying 'Wait 'til Christmas' -I know dd can't wait that long. I was so relieved when I woke up today and remembered that it was the weekend, so no school.
I am fighting every instinct in my body and I just can't keep it up. My feeling is that I will be sending in the de-reg letter in the next week or so.

I am so grateful for the support on this board -it's been the only opportunity to 'talk' to someone today.

[SummatAnNowt]

I don't have experience of this, but I'm reminded of a conversation between two parents at our home ed meet the other week. X has SN.

Newcomer: X is very happy and confident!

Parent: You wouldn't have known X earlier this year. X would've been sat in the corner playing on a ds and speaking to no-one. X was wetting themself night and day due to stress and issues with school.

I imagine it to be like swimming, sure you can watch as they choke and splutter and nearly drown before they get the hang of it, if they ever do. Or you can be at their side, helping them, giving them guidance and confidence, until that day they can negotiate the water all by themselves.

[SummatAnNowt]

"playing on a ds" obviously means a Nintendo DS, not someone's son