MIL against Home Ed

[BeNimble]

Long tedious tale about MIL against Home Ed for our children, eldest due to start in September next.

We aren't going to be put off by her (and I do care a bit how she feels), but just wondered what other folks think of her latest comment.

She doesn't start any discussions with me anymore, but expressed concerns with my husband last week.

Apparently she's not going to stop us Home Educating... erm, yes we know that! but wonders "why don't we start him at school, see how it goes then pull him out later?"

She reckons the first year is very important. (She was a reception teacher though).

I don't mind who answers on this post, real, 'honest' answers will be helpful.

[McDreamy]

All I can say is that I know if I decided to Home Educate my children my dad and my pil would be horrified. I think my mum would probably be a little more supportive.

I admire you for choosing to do it. I wouldn't have the confidence or the organisation. Good for you!

[Julienoshoes]

If you know you are going to home educate him, why would you send him to school at all?
What is the first year good for?

Wish we had never sent our children.
More importantly they wish we had never sent them-although they do comment that children who have never been to school have no idea just how lucky they are!

[TrinityRhino]

I dont really understand why so may people are so against schools

[DoodleToYou]

Message withdrawn

[frogs]

I guess she has the right to an opinion, but should exercise tact in expressing her thoughts to you.

From a non-HEr's perspective it's a reasonable question, though it presupposes that you see HE as a fall-back option if school doesn't work out, which I know a lot of you don't.

But then I'm coming at it from the perspective of the parent of a 4yo who asks every morning, 'is it a school day today?' then punches the air and goes 'yay!' when the answer is Yes.

Summary: I think it's a reasonable question for her to ask, if she's genuinely wondering, and deserves a straight answer. If otoh she's asking as a coded way of trying to change your mind, then she's not being reasonable, and she needs to be told that you've made a thought-out decision and don't appreciate her questioning that.

[McDreamy]

I don't think they are. In fact i think the majority of people are in favour of schools. I think it is becoming more widely accepted though that school doesn't suit all children.

My comments on Home education certainly weren't anti school. I am very happy with DD's schooling at the moment. Unfortunately due to our circumstances she will have to move school either at the end of FS2 or Y1 and I have no idea what her new school will be like.

It's good to know that Home Schooling is another option.......not that I think could do it though.

[BeNimble]

Thanks McD.

I guess we're lucky it's only really one of the 4 that's against HEd.

FIL is prob not one way or the other, though was there when they were talking last week and chipped in with some quite amusing comments... probably more to annoy his wife than support his son though.

My mum is supportive, whilst my dad hasn't really said anything much since I told him, but he's not likely to bother so long as we're all ok.

JNoS... I often think of what your children have said about being lucky, but they go to a nursery x1 morning so have an idea what school 'might' be like.

To me that first year is about getting them into the ways of school... so exactly, why send them and pull them out? I suppose she thinks then they might like or get used to it and that we'd keep them there.

[BeNimble]

TrinityRhino

I wouldn't really say I'm AGAINST SCHOOLS as such!

I just think their importance, especially for under say 7 years, is enormously exaggerated... society seems sort of distorted by education.

If my children want to try school, we'll look round and chose one (or two) from our local ones. And if they want to come back out that's fine too.

[3madboys]

oh poor you, have had this problem with some of our family and friends, but now that the eldest one is 8 and thriving they have realised that its good, well they still have doubts but they can see the boys are bright, happy etc.

incidentally my mil was also a reception teacher but she now agrees that children start school too young and as our eldest two are summer babies she thinks its right not to send them to school at just five.

it is interesting how relatives stop talking to you and start hastling your partner, we have had this too....

stick to your guns and good luck xxx

[mazzystar]

Is there any way that you can turn this around by invoving her in some way. It jsut strikes me that as a reception teacher she may well have skills, ideas and experiences that it would be useful for you to draw upon and that she may be able to make a useful input into the education that you provide.

She may well see your decision to Home Ed as a specific criticism of her profession - well in some ways it IS - perhaps you could also try to frame your discussions slightly differently . Ie not anti-school in general, but wanting to do what you believe what is absolutely right for your individual child.

[SueBaroo]

I have had similar 'suggestions' from SIL, and a lot of it stems from her thinking that HE is a perceived criticism of her directly, which is a shame.

I try to bear in mind that, especially with grandparents, any concerns they express are genuine worries for their loved ones. I would just continue to reassure her that you're making a positive choice, not a standby second best one. Putting him in school with the intention of pulling him out would seem to be something you would do if HE was a secondary 'back-up', rather than a positive decision.

[terramum]

It is hard when those closest to you openly criticise your decisions isn't it .

My own PILs are fairly laid back & MIL has even said she considered HEing her children at one point so it's been nice to have that acknowledgement...but my own parents have been less supportive. Mum in her usual patronising style says it a stupid idea. I am sad she won't even consider talking it through with me, but I know I am happy ignoring her & getting on with things. I've been doing that ever since I became a parent & realised her mothering style was very removed from mine. My father on the other hand, was quite curious initially. His own schooling, while fairly good, was very restrictive and didn't really take his own preferences into account. We had some quite good discussions about the pros and cons of school & HEing...but I think we reached a point where he really didn't think it was a good idea but he knew he wasn't going to change my mind. We don't talk about it much now which does make me a little because both DH & I are really happy with our decision to HE & want to involve my parents as much as we can, especially as they only get to see DS every month or so (PILs live on the same road as us so get to see DS all the time).

In terms of the points your MIL made, I guess how you respond would depend on how your relationship with her is....are you close & happy to discuss things with her, or is the relationship more 'polite' iyswim? I would probably ask her to elaborate on why she thinks starting school is a good thing & the first year is very important....that way you will have a better idea of her motives for saying this and maybe what some of her reservations about HE are. I agree that she might feel you choosing to HE is somehow a criticism of her personally/professionally as she is a teacher...and I am inclined to think that 'trying' school might be a ruse to get you to see how good it is compared to HE...but difficult to say for sure without knowing her. It could be that she just wants to understand HE a little better....did she expect a response from you or your DH?

[BeNimble]

thanks folks for your input.

i'm retiring early tonight for a change... and early night might help me to think straight.

[nlondondad]

Neither of my children have been home educated, and as a school Governor I am quite involved in the state system. But I have every reason to believe that HE can work very well; there are also some children for whom it is the only option.

I know of one Head who advised parents to try home schooling (she had to tread carefully. There was no question of excluding the child; it was just that the child could not adjust and the Head took the view that Home schooling, at least for a while would get around the "problem" Which was a problem with the system and not the child.)

Grand parents are bound to feel concerned as HE so rare in their experience. But then maybe the schools you have on offer are rather different as well.

[BeNimble]

i eventually spoke with MIL a couple of weeks ago. she got on high horse then calmed down... worried about every aspect. can't see that kids don't need school (for education and being with others... they need the whole package in her view). much of her views are 'nostalgic' she loved all her schooling/collage/teacher training/ teaching... totally loved it!

[AbbeyA]

You have to understand that those of us who loved school can't understand why you would deny your DC the experience. I adored school from the moment I started (I was a very shy, unsporty little girl). I cried if I wasn't well enough to go- I couldn't bear to miss anything! Your MIL was obviously like this and loved teaching so she knows how DCs can thrive in an exciting, learning environment.If my mother had kept me at home with my brothers I would have difficulty forgiving her now that I am an adult.I am not saying that I am against HE, or that you shouldn't do it, but you have to be a bit understanding of your MIL.

[snowymum]

AbbeyA, you've never once written in support of HE, so it's rather disingenuous to say you're not against it.

With regard to denying children the experience you had - who cares what our personal experiences were? It's our children's experiences that matter, and it's flawed logic to suggest that because you or I had a nice time, our children will.

To the OP: My mum was a junior school teacher then headmistress for 30 years at a small, lovely private school with excellent results, yet is 100% supportive of our decision to HE. She says that school does certain things very well but other things very badly. I wonder if there's a subtle way of drawing the same thoughts out of your family?

[onwardandupward]

snowymum has some useful advice, I think. It's almost worth starting a conversation by sympathising with what a tough time the teachers have - with all that testing and SATS and ruddy paperwork to do rather than actually teach. And how the NC limits what they are able to do creatively with their children.

And about how one bad apple in the class can rot the whole thing, and you spend so much of your time on that child not on the whole class.

And breathe a deep sigh of sympathy and "I really don't know how you cope with it, I really don't".

And then segue into how the classroom environment is obviously a marvellous thing for some children but not all, and you are concerned that little Millie would be too quiet to ever be noticed OR is ahead/behind her peers on some things and really needs the concentrated one-on-one for a bit OR would never be sufficiently biddable at this age, and would be the "naughty one" within a week OR...

in other words, school is not right for your child just now, rather than pointing out the general difficulties you see with formal schooling for under 7s (a bad argumentative gambit when dealing with those invested in the system).

And yes, I'd be looking for ways to get her onside and feeling special about you child not going to school and what she might be able to do to help, but without allowing her to schoolify the experience.

Was it in another thread where someone said that the best argument you can put forward is to do it, and then watch them come to realise how well it is suiting the child.

[onwardandupward]

I also wanted to say that this:

"If my children want to try school, we'll look round and chose one (or two) from our local ones. And if they want to come back out that's fine too."

(from Benimble) seems to me to be about as open minded towards the idea of school as could be desired by the most vociferous of school advocates. I think, AbbeyA, you may have missed that sentence when you wrote: "those of us who loved school can't understand why you would deny your DC the experience", since there is no hint of the OP denying her children the experience if they want it.