I want to Home Ed ds with Apergers, OH doesn't agree

[Cojmum]

Long story cut short, OH is Ds's dad but isn't on bc. We were together, split up, he moved away ect and we've just never got around to putting him on.
DS aged 5 was diagnosed with Aspergers, he is 10 now. I am the one who goes to all the meetings, deals with school ect.
He is in year 5, hasn't had a particularly had a good time at school, always issues I have to sort.
I am terrified of him going to senior school. At the minute I battle at least 4 out of 5 weeks to get him to school. He hates it and I feel bad sending him there. I hated school myself and I know he could be 100% better educationally if he was home with me learning. He doesn't like being around lots of people.
OH doesn't agree thinks he should go to school like 'normal' children do.
We've had a disagreement about it tonight to the point I said 'He's my child, I am on the birth certificate I will decide'. Wrong I know, but I feel so strongly about it. All of DS's anxiety about going to school could just end and he could be free of bullying and everything.
So how do I convince OH that home schooling is the way forward? Am I out of order to even try and convince him if he is dead against it?

[CharlesRyder]

Are you in an area where HE is popular? If so there might be HE services and groups around like this.

Maybe you could put a package together and show dad that there will still be social opportunities etc so there is nothing DS will miss out on.

How much support do you have from school? Does he have a statement? Have you looked at Alternative Provision like this sort of thing that you could appeal for the LEA to pay for?

[MisForMumNotMaid]

I have a year 5, 10 year old Autistic DS with an absent biological father.

We have started secondary school transition already here (north West). DS has a statement and so applications for secondary go in in September. I'm just starting visiting secondary Autism units. I keep XH informed but I strongly feel he doesn't have a moral right to judge or really influence because I've done all the work - meetings, diagnosis, tantrums, sleepless nights etc. he just tries to minimise. Brings him home if he's having a bad day pretends he'll grow out of it. Is now applying to adopt with his new wife so they can have a perfect child. Urgh!

Have you been to any secondary schools and seen whats on offer/ talked to Special Educational Needs Coordinators (SENCO's) at the secondary's?

I'm sure that academically your DS would do better at home with you if he's pretty much a school refuser but it seams wrong that (I interpret) you're going this route because he's been let down by his schooling/ inadequate support to date.

We've moved area in part to get DS into supported schooling. He's in an Autism unit attached to mainstream and should go to the same for secondary.

To answer your actual questions...I don't think you can convince him that its the best option if he doesn't want to hear it. I think it is appropriate to keep him informed of you and ultimately your DS's decisions and maybe keep factual about the reasons and thought processes leading up to that. But be firm and confident in your own mind - its you that lives the decisions as you're all too aware.

[streakybacon]

Our situation was similar, although dh is registered as ds's father and has equal rights.

Ds was 9, beginning of Y5 at his second school (moved Y4 due to unmet needs) and falling apart as he still wasn't being supported. He'd had years of neglect in the education system and was rapidly getting worse. We had discussed the prospect of HE on occasion but dh was adamant that ds had to go the 'normal' route like everyone else. That said, he had always struggled to get to grips with the diagnosis and how ds needed to be supported - I believe this can be common in fathers who don't want to see their children as different.

Like you, OP, I dealt with all the school issues, NHS, referrals etc and the day to day difficulties of managing ds's condition. Dh really didn't understand how badly our son was being damaged by school and it was hard to get through to him. Eventually, after yet another horrific day, I told him that although I wanted to HE with his support, I would do it without if necessary because ds's needs were paramount and in this situation I would put him first. His mental health was teetering on the brink and I wasn't going to risk it any further by keeping in an environment that was clearly harming him. Dh sulked a bit initially but by the next day he was on board and ds was deregistered the following week. I'd have done it anyway even if he didn't back me up.

We have had our ups and downs during HE (nearly six years now!) but we get by. Dh still doesn't 'get' the dx and we've disagreed on lots of things we've done in HE but overall it's worked out. Dh admits that I've never made a wrong decision about ds and respects that.

Your son's needs come first.

[Saracen]

Don't take what I say as gospel because I only remember vaguely what others have said on the subject...

I seem to think that in your situation your son's dad does not legally have Parental Responsibility; perhaps you know whether he does or not? If he does have PR, you are required to consult him over matters such as your son's education and he could theoretically take the matter to court if he disagrees with your decision to HE. However clear-cut your son's educational needs may appear to you, the court may take the more conservative line and insist you send him to school.

So if your son'd father does have PR, and if you think he feels strongly enough to go to court to keep your son in school, then it would be sensible to try to talk him round first.

Of course even if he doesn't have PR and cannot prevent you from HE, then ideally home education would still happen with his agreement. But as streaky says, at the end of the day your son's welfare has to come first and if your ex won't give serious consideration to HE then it's up to you to do what's best for your son regardless. Personally I think that a parent who will not take the time to read up on the subject, ask questions, have a proper discussion, visit prospective schools and go to meetings etc has abdicated his role as decision-maker and the final say should go to the parent who chooses to be involved in all these things. Does this apply to your son's dad? Or has he been involved and read up properly on HE and only then come down against it?

[Cojmum]

Just to clarify we are back together but he is still not on the birth certificate.
HE isn't very popular around here I don't think. He does struggle to accept that DS is 'different' and he hasn't looked into HE at all as far as I know.
I think I will get some bits together and print them out so that I can present him with some information and see what happens from there.

[morethanpotatoprints]

hello OP, my ds2 has AS, although he wasn't diagnosed until 17.
high school was so awful for him and my one regret in life was not taking him out.
having experienced H.ed with dd I know how good it would have been for him.
Please don't put him through it if you think he will struggle, I know its hard if your oh doesn't agree.
I will say though dd doesn't have AS or anything else but is high maintenance and if it wasn't for dh helping and giving his support I'm not sure I'd manage.
You may be fine but its something you need to consider. It is 24/7 but you probably cope with that now.
FWIW, my dh thought I'd gone mad when I first mentioned it, presenting him with the facts after much research he agreed, and is quite evangelical about it now.

[PlanetArghhh]

Homeschooling a child on the AS spectrum can be a very successful and positive education experience; the general chaos of a regular school is often not the most suitable environment for them to learn in. If you're up to it and decide to do all the teaching yourself, there is are some great resources online for Key Stage 2 curriculum subjects and it will all become second nature once you get into the swing of it. If you want a good solid structure and a 'halfway house safety net' then I highly recommend you Google and have a look at 'Brite School' and 'Inter High'. Both options are very good for providing a proper 'school-feel' to homeschooling and aren't overly expensive (your OH might even warm to the idea, not that that is essential!) Go with your gut instinct with your DS... and best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

[bochead]

I went with an online school for year 5. It's the perfect halfway house for us. Most people that meet DS nowadays approve of my choice simply because DS is obviously thriving. Being on the spectrum the need for regular routine etc is fulfilled by online school and for haters of home ed it's almost conventional enough when DS explains what he does for them to get their heads round. For my part I like the fact that DS will have access to specialist subject teachers as he has gifts in areas I don't iyswim. We then access homeschool groups for face to face interaction.

My sprog is statemented so the LA don't like the fact they have no control but after a year I've concluded termly meetings are a minor irritant in an otherwise ideal set up.

In your shoes I'd try an online school so you partner can still feel his son is going to "school" in the first instance. After that I'd do what was best my child and if it led to my man leaving then so be it!