Already I don't like the tone of my heading that I've described my son with a label like that so casually but I guess its the best way of flagging up our issue. DS is 5 btw way, hasn't been diagnosed, but it is screamingly obvious to me, and certain traits of his are making it so challenging.
We are unschooling by the way, and I can clearly see how he loves to learn, is learning all the time etc, though with a demanding 2 year old sister around I can see that he is often denied the support time he needs to do all kinds of experiments and projects which would make him feel truly inspired and buzzy. Today for example, can we burn different things because I want to see how some things might burn faster than others?! After a morning of meltdowns from DS (because people can't read his mind and therefore do everything wrong), then 2yo DD catapulting salad all over the kitchen (because she wants to help with lunch) I do not have the capacity for doing science experiments. I am worn out by one pm and want to hide under my duvet.
In the beginning, been doing this since October, I could see DS was enjoying the peace to hang out, go places, look at books, play etc but now I can really sense he's a bit bored of it all. The other big issue is that he really does want to connect to others but he finds it sooooo hard.
He has one best friend who he has had since birth (schooled, same age, lives 2o min drive away) and he pours his heart and soul into the friendship which consequently leaves the other child in a tricky position, because when they meet its as if he has to fulfill (in my son's head) all his intense crazy play expectations. Often Best friend ends up getting whacked by my DS because Ds gets angry with him for not listening to him when they're playing. Luckily Best friend is very forgiving, but not sure how long it will last... and I really feel its getting necessary to help him learn to control some of his impulses. With 1:1 adult attention he is a delightful inquisitive, mature adorable child, but with other children he can get enraged so quickly, either because somebody wrongs his sister, touches something he deems precious to him, or if he feels intimidated. But it is so obvious to me that his rage is rooted in fear, and he has a lot of generalised anxiety. I am getting to the point where I feel it is literally breaking my heart to see his haphanded attempts at interacting with others.
He rushes to the door with squeals of excitement because his friend has come round at 5 pm on a friday afternoon, and I feel so sad that his friendship is squeezed into afternoons and once at the weekend because he doesn't have other more ready connections with others.
We have been trying for nearly 2 years now to make connections with other HE families locally but it is so hard. Partly because lots of meet ups are very loose and unstructured and the lack of clear expectations makes it difficult for him to find a way in to playing with others. I used to get involved a lot and scaffold the play but I can see the other kids now are so much more independent in their play and its making me and him stand out that I'm always hovering so close, and then when they witness his panic and meltdowns I think they a less interested in playing with him. Plus I find this exhausting, plus I find the behaviour of the other parents' children pretty awful sometimes, lots of fighting and pushing that parents don't react to, so there are a few children my son has been hurt by or intimidated by in the past and he just ends up feeling threatened in these situations because he doesn't feel he knows what going to happen. I've tried a few more structured activities like where there is an adult setting the tone, in these situations my DS tries to focus hard on the activity but I would still say the behaviour of the other children is quite poor and I feel that because DS clearly needs to learn how to be around others more explicitly than a more neurotypical child he therefore needs good role models. Plus he naturally has a fear or apprehensiveness about people he doesn't know and I think all the HE socialising is confirming the idea in his head that other people are scary and unpredictable.
I'm so tired of it all. This has all come to a head because he was crying in bed on sunday night that he only has one friend, and he feels lonely and it upsets him that he knows his best friend has so many other people that he plays with at school. It is breaking my heart and I am so tired of worrying about him all the time.
Am seriously thinking a small, calm school with predictable routine, good behviour and focus on learning might be better option.
This became an essay but it helped me to write it. I hope someone can pick out some salient points.
Thanks for reading x
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How do you sucessfully HE an Aspie? Despairing here...
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SugarPeaSnap · 11/03/2013 20:38
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Welovegrapes ·
11/03/2013 21:53
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