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childcare decision - any thoughts? (OMG This is long)

31 replies

motherpeculiar · 28/07/2005 20:41

As some of you may remember I've been searching for someone (I'm calling it a Mother's Help) to look after DD2 (5 months old) two days a week at home while I work (from home). This is probably now going to extend to looking after DD1 (3 yrs)on one of the days also as my office want me to commit to working on one of her non-nursery days. That's the background.

HAve now interviewed 6 candidates and whittled down to a shortlist of three. WOnder if any of you more experienced employers of AuPAirs, Mother's Helps, Nannies might have any insights to help me decide between them

Candidate 1 - 23 years old. NVQ in childcare. First Aid qualification (couple of years ago). 18 months experience in a nursery. 18 montsh experience as Home Help for different overseas families posted here for work. Very pleasant manner. Seemed good with the baby. Responded well to interview questions, seemed intelligent and responsive. Has her own 5 year old son. Lives about 20 mins drive (on a good day) to an hour (on a bad day) away. Also works as a promotor nights and weekends. Flexible about days but needs to drop off and pick up son to school and from after school club. Seemed to have plenty of energy but said her worst point was being sensitive and taking things personally. I really liked her but don't want someone I have to pussyfoot around. Also worried about how long her drive wil take and whether she'll be reliable as a result. Will she get sick of it and give up?

No 2 40 year old mum of 6. Again very pleasant manner and very gentle and nice with DD1. Didn't voice her own firm opinions about things like food, discipline etc but said she would take direction from me. Happy to do general housework too. HAs worked as mother's help before. 3 kids of school going age. WOuld be dependent on her family to help out with pickups, dropoffs and school holidays. Having some personal relationship issues at the moment - should I let this influence judgement? Very local and would cycle to and back.

No. 3 27 year old Czech au pair who wants to move out from family (she has discussed this with them) and move in with bf. Very good English but studying further. Flexible on days. Lives nearby and can easily bus it (or walk). No kids or other family committments. Has 14 years experience with kids in summer camps etc. 2 years in UK with families of 4 kids each. Only candidate who brought written references. Will disclose current families phone no only if sucessful at interview (fair enough I suppose). Didn't warm to this woman as quickly, but felt that she would be capable and efficient and most of all reliable. She was pleasant with DD1 and 2. Referred a few times to the fact that things (eg routines, toilet training) are stricter in Czech rep but said she is happy to go along with our way of doing things. Could bring a bit of much needed discipline re. things like eating into DD1's life if we played our cards right. Came across as intelligent and well organised. Mybe a bit stricter than the other two but that might not be the worst thing in the world

So, any thoughts. DH and I are veering towards no.3 as she seems the least complicated proposition and I feel would look after our DDs very well, possibly without too much smothering with love but then I guess that is what we are there for. (although one of her references said the families children had absolutely loved her)

just got two more calls in response to ad tonight but am getting tired of interviewing (although will probably phone interview them at least)

it is harder than I though, this lark

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SenoraPostrophe · 28/07/2005 20:49

I think number 3. Or maybe number 1. Suspect number 2 will be unreliable (possibly unfairly).

Maybe I'd just pick one out of a hat.

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hunkermunker · 28/07/2005 20:49

Number 3 for me. Why did you feel number 1 was sensitive? Would worry about number 2 being unreliable, but perhaps unfairly.

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hunkermunker · 28/07/2005 20:50

LOL SP!

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SenoraPostrophe · 28/07/2005 20:50

hm we are thought twins.

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SenoraPostrophe · 28/07/2005 20:51

number 1 said she was over sensitive, hunker. do pay attention!

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hunkermunker · 28/07/2005 20:51

Spooky!

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hunkermunker · 28/07/2005 20:51

Ah...really must learn to read one day...

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nooka · 28/07/2005 21:26

Ultimately you have to decide what matters most to you. Reliability seems to be a big concern, you might want to think about what the impact would be if they were late, or couldn't come one day, what back up do you have?
Also, I don't know, but pleasant seems like faint praise to me, and that's how you describe all of them. Did you actually like any of them?
What about their experince specifically with babies
Finally, I think you said that you were going to be around some of the time that she is caring for the children - how did you feel about that? The parent childcarer relationship is a bit of a funny one, so you need to feel comfortable, neither pussyfooting for sensitivity, or feeling that you may be judged.

I think you may need to see some more!

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sfg · 28/07/2005 21:33

What did DD1 think of them? I don't think she shoud make the decision but her views might be interesting

My current nanny got her job partly because she was ready to hide in the curtains at interview...

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motherpeculiar · 28/07/2005 21:36

thanks people

SP and Hunker - you seem to be edging towards no 3 with me and DH, interesting that...

Nooka - I did really like No1 and liked No2 also, although I think I may also have felt a bit sorry for her - lovely woman, probably having a sh*t time right now. You are right - I wouldn't exactly say I "liked" no 3, although I warmed to her towards the end when she started to laugh and smile a bit.

In the combined experience of MN do you have to actively like your childcarer to start with? I though no.3 would be kind and fair to the kids and be more than capable. I liked the others more perhaps, but didn't necessarily feel the same confidence in their reliability or endurance (believe me my DD1 can be an endurance test at times!)

for me it is still abit of a tussle between 1 and 3

aaaaaargh!

just phone interviewed another but her english was abyssml (sp?) so that would be a bit tricky.

any other views?

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nooka · 28/07/2005 22:02

Oh, yes one other thing I forgot with regard to the no complications, are you sure that moving in with the bf will be without complications?

I don't think that you have to be best friends with your nanny, but you do need to be comfortable with them, and your children definitly have to like them! Has dd1 met them all? Has she got any views?

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SenoraPostrophe · 29/07/2005 14:04

Having had 4 childcarers while i work from home, I'd say the important things are that you either see eye to eye on childrearing techniques, or that the cm is willing to do it your way. I don't think it's necessary to "actively like" them (as in you'd want to go out for coffee on the first day") no. In fact that can be a hindrance - if you become friends with your child carer it can be harder to criticise.

My best childminder was a friend, admitedly, but the biggest problems I have had were due to over-sensitivity (with an au pair whom I did like on first meeting her. She stropped out in fact). The other two - one of whom was very shy and not overly friendly - I would employ again, though I'd be careful to set ground rules.

The more I think about it the more I think number 1 is an absolute no-no.

It's probably not fair to assume number 2 would be unreliable though. can you get a reference re reliability from her last employer?

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motherpeculiar · 29/07/2005 19:43

no 2 hasn't really been employed for a while - she did give me the number of a neighbour she used to do some childminding for and I am waiting to hear from her another number for a woman she used to do mother's help for about 4 years ago. Will probably take up her references at least to give her a fair chance - I did like her.

Starting to agree No1 is not the best proposition.

Would like to talk to no.3's current emploer but she won't give out her number unless there is a job in it for her. Which is starting to bug me a bit, being able to talk to her current employer informally could help me immensely.

Talks again for the input - any further thoughts appreciated.

DD1 hasn't said either way, I don't think she had enough contact to build an impression but I do like the idea of the nanny getting her job because she would hide behind the curtains! No 2 seemed more inventive with DD1 than no.3 who was more interested in her cup of coffee, but No.2 was trying to help me entertain DD while the interview took place while DH was in and out when no3 was around.

it is so tricky. I need to decide before we leave on holiday next week.

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nooka · 29/07/2005 21:40

I'd watch that on the previous employer reference thing. We are always very careful at work to say that the reference is part of the pre-employment phase, and no offers will be made prior to an acceptable reference. Otherwise you put her current employer in a very difficult position, as if you offer her the job, and the reference is poor and you retract your offer it will be very obvious why. I think that she could then take action against the current employer. That's certainly so for written references, which you can always request a copy of. I would pursue the reference prior to making any committment.

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motherpeculiar · 29/07/2005 22:35

thanks for that Nooka - I think I'll call her tomorrow and maybe tell it straight - that it is down to two candidates but that I can't possibly make a decision without a reference from her current employer. I do appreciate that she is trying to shield her employer from tonnes of calls but think that if she is anyway decent she'll need to appreciate that I can't offer her a job without a written or verbal ref. from her employer and that it needs to form part of the recruitment process, as you say, rather than being something that is done subsequent to a job offer being made.

Will see what she says to that. If you have any better ideas do let me know

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KemalsStilletto · 30/07/2005 14:01

Or maybe she doesnt want her current employer to know she is looking for another job incase employer makes work hard for her.

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JOSIE3 · 30/07/2005 14:51

Maybe No. 3 is simply upholding confidentiality clauses in previous contracts?

I would probably choose her simply because you seemed to favour her - go with your instincts.

You could offer her the job on condition of satisfactory references. It may also be a good idea to ask her to spend a day/half a day with you and the kids - then you will have a better idea of childcare practices.

Has she an extended police check?

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assumedname · 30/07/2005 14:57

Out of those 3, I'd pick no 2. Especially if she told you about her relationship issues - at least she's honest.

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motherpeculiar · 30/07/2005 20:11

I spoke to No 3 earlier and told her there were 2 candidates I was especially interested in and that she was one but that I wouldn't offer anyone the job until I had spoken to current employer. She was pleased and said she would text me employer's name and number (she had said that employer knew she was getting ready to leave but that she (no 3) didn't want employer innundated with zillions of reference calls). We spoke this morning and name/number still haven't arrived. If that was me I'd have done it instantly. Hmmmm. [suspicious emoticon]

meanwhile I am also still waiting for details of no2's reference, spoke to her last Thursday and asked for it. Was due to be texted (once she had got it from her sister who was on a plane to spain - wtf???) but nothing yet.

Maybe they don't want my job after all. Gulp!

meanwhile have had a couple of calls from people who don't speak english or just want to do the ironing, not mind the children. Eh, hello???

anyone know anyone who wants a mother's help job in SE london????? I'm getting desperate now...

btw - can you get CRBs on non-English citizens? (just in case No3 remembers me)

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motherpeculiar · 30/07/2005 20:11

assumedname - interested to know why you'd pick number 2?

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assumedname · 02/08/2005 09:50

motherpeculiar - I wouldn't pick no 1 because of the 'sensitivity' thing. Couldn't be doing with that - I'd be bound to put my foot in it somehow!
Plus point that she has a child herself, though so she knows what it's like to be a parent and was pleasant and good with baby.
Also, working as a promoter at night - how late would she be working, would it be most nights, could she be tired in the day?

No 3 - you didn't warm to her as quickly as the other two - would your child have the same problem? Not too keen on the 'stricter' side of things. Strictness with warmth is brilliant, just strictness is not. Don't get me wrong, I like strictness as much as the next harassed mother , but she just sounds a little cold.

No 2 - bags of experience with kids. Liked the fact that she would take direction from you re routines etc. Good that she's very local. You seemed happy with her interaction with kids. The personal relationship issues could be a problem but if she's told you about them I see that as a plus point for honesty.

Is no 2 normally dependant on her family picking up her kids etc? - in which case I wouldn't worry about it - or would this be a new thing because of her working?

I'm very possibly biased, as I'm closest in age to the 40 year old, but from my elderly non-career perspective, I could see no 2 being happy in a mother's help role, whereas the other 2 are more likely to want to spread their wings.

Hope this helps a little.

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Twiglett · 02/08/2005 09:54

as long as you get to speak to her current employer I would choose number 3 (from that brief description)

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motherpeculiar · 30/08/2005 10:46

oh SH*T

I choose no 3 in the end and she accepted happily and so off on holiday I went. Texted her about two weeks ago to confirm she was still able to start on the arranged date and to tell her the contract would be ready the week before. She texted back to say she couldn't do it anymore due to the infamous "change in circumstances" AAAARRRGH!

have been in touch with no2 since who is now having an op in October and so can't start

No 1 can start on Sept 12th. She wasn't my first choice but looks like I'll be going with her anyway. Am nervous as it is such a responsibility and she wasn't my first choice but I need someone.

on't really think anyone can help me on this but I needed to vent a bit!!!

grrr

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motherpeculiar · 30/08/2005 10:47

"don't really"

must preview and not post in a rush

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Jackstini · 30/08/2005 10:59

You can always take No. 1 on a trial basis (first 3 months of any new job is usually this way, to make sure things are ok on both sides) Don't worry, I am sure it will be fine but if not you can always change your mind and re-interview. I know it would be a pain but whatever makes you and DDs happy is more important. Good luck.

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