Dh does nothing!

[yellow]

Help! I have recently gone back to work full time, DD is 6 months. Not out of choice I would loved to have stayed at home but my partner is a self employed Bricklayer and his industry has become more and more unstable and we are looking to save and buy and I would be earning more money and in a stable job so it made more sense for me to go back. It is only a short term plan until he can change his career but it simply isn't working. Firstly he feels his pride has been hit as i am the breadwinner so to speak secondly he does nothing. Obviously he looks after DD all day which is hard going I knwow but he does nothing else. I come in feed her, change her put her to bed, cook, clean up and do the shopping and everything else, the problem is he feels he does do everything and I do nothing and I can not see us lasting if it carries on. Does anyone have this issue.........?

[littlemissbossy]

If you were at home looking after your dd, would you be responsible for the housework? or would he do it when he got in from work? surely he can manage some household stuff as well as look after dd?
I am friends with a house-husband who looks after the kids and does ALL the cleaning, washing etc He stays at home because his wife earns more than him too.... but she doesn't too anything and admits to that!!

[yellow]

When DH worked I did everything. He walked in had a cup of tea and a clean house waiting for him. Dinner was made, I cleaned up, fed DD put her to bed everyhting. I wouldn't expect him to do everyhting just help out and admit he doesn't do a lot.

[lovecloud]

That is not fair at all.

I feel for you!

Yes his pride is dented but he needs a kick up the ass!

He has got to remember its team work. You both need to sit down and make it clear what you expect from each other. You should say that you feel a bit over whelmed with it all and would like to talk about sharing our responsibilities so its fair.

My partner and I changed careers and responsibilities for awhile and it did cause arguments at first until we planned it better. One of us always puts pur dd to bed whilst the other cooks and the chef in our house nevers washes up so we always know who is doind what in the evenings. I have to admit I cook more maye 4 times a week so that means he bathes our dd those times. With cleaning we will both choose a coupld of rooms on a weekend and give it a good clean. It is important to make it fair othersie you start holding ot against them and it could have a very bad effect on your relationship and sex life

[yellow]

Thanks Lovecloud.I do think we need to sit and talk about it, we have tried but it does end up in an arguement, your idea is good we should sit and ask what we expect from each other and maybe work out some weekly plan as i can see myself starting to resent him!

[Nightynight]

yellow,
yes Ive been in this situation, and it didnt last! It does make them feel bad not being the breadwinner.
could he do a training course, aimed at getting him out of the house and back to work? Has your local college got a subsidised creche?
Its v unfair, but they can end up resenting you for everything!

[toria77]

i am about to embark on this set-up and i worry that this will happen! think i will have to see how it goes and if not sit down and allocate jobs!!!!

[uwila]

Pride shmide. I think the issue of his pride is insulting to you. If his pride is hurt, that seems to me to suggest that he thinks this housework is beneath him. But it's okay for you? Is your time worth less than his?

Is hiring a cleaner out of the question?

[colditz]

By refusing to do the house work, he has either decided that he is eithr mentally above it, or physically can't cope.

This is leaving you in the position of a single woman with a child and a lazy au pair.

Don't do the housework. Leave it. do the bare necessary to get your daughter comfortably into bed.

Do not cook, get yourself a sandwich. don't offer him one. rinse your own plate, and nothing else. Don't do anymore shopping than the bare minimum to feed yourself and your daughter.

This is called (I think) a passive-aggressive reaction to being overworked. He i9sn't actually making you do it, he is repeatedly putting you in a situation where you choose to do it. Well, don't choose the housework.

he has to sit in the house all day, right? He will clear up if you leave it long enough, he won't tolerate living in a pig sty. Of course this means you have to tolerate it too, but you have the advantage of being able to leave for work!

[spidermama]

Some men aren't cut out for this. In general women can multi-task better than men. (I did say 'in general before any gets upset')

My dh and I supposedly share housework when he's around. Yesterday I cleaned the loos, hoovered, tidied the kids rooms, process two baskets of laundry etc etc etc.

He, meanwhile, cleaned the cooker. And I'm only talking about the outside.

It's easy to see that the arrangement isn't fair on you, but I also think it might be genuinely hard for your dh to do all the jobs. I know mine couldn't.

I have to say the cooker looks absolutely amazing - like new. I wouldn't have the patience to spend two hours cleaning it, but I'm really glad he did.

[colditz]

Spidermama, I absolutely have to disagree with you. Housework is not difficult, mentally tasking or complecated. I have never yet met an adult male who is incapable of doing housework.

What housework is, is dull, repetative, dirty, sweat inducing and completely unrewarding. There is no reason that he couldn't be doing the housework while the baby naps, or when the baby has gone to bed.

He is shirking! He is treating her time, her resources, her mental health as less important than his! Housework doesn't require vast amounts of multitasking capablities, it requires a willingness to do it, which a lot of men don't possess.

[spidermama]

I know housework isn't taxing Colditz and my dh does do it. However it takes him a hour to clean the loo. He can't seem to do things quickly and it's that sort of multi-tasking ability which is required to be effective at housework. Some blokes can. Treasure them.

[munz]

sm - must disagree as well I'm afraid, my DH cleans the house much quicker than me (mainly cos I like to sit down with a cuppa half way thru and wathc a bit of telly) but he does need a bit of a kick up the bum to do it sometimes.

[spidermama]

Actually, if I might be allowd to weaken my own poing - my dh tidies much quicker and more often than I, but he rarely cleans. Probably because he wants the house to be tidy, but doesn't notice wether or not it's clean.

[spidermama]

I'll type that again now ds has stopped feeding.

If I might be allowd to weaken my own point - my dh does more tidying and does it more quickly than I, but he rarely cleans. That's because he wants the house to be tidy, but doesn't notice wether or not it's clean.

[HereComesTrouble]

Don't rush to judgement, it may also be that he is suffering from depression, it often manifests (particularly in men) as a complete lack of motivation to do anything. It is worth considering that this may be part of the problem.

Is he the sort than can easily talk about how he is feeling?

If he is see if that is the problem, and if s urge him to seek help. Medication does not fix anything, but can help him to help himself.