Feeling guilty about giving up work

[Cosmomouse]

Hi,

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with our first child. Both myself and my partner work full time and always have done. When I say full time, I mean I work on average 60 hours a week in a high pressure office based job, and often bring work home with me, so VERY full time. My partner works long hours also.

Discussing what will happen after maternity leave, my partner has expressed that he would like for me to give up work and look after LO full time, perhaps getting a part time evening job a couple of evenings or days a week if we wanted some additional income for treats.

I hate my job, I am bullied daily and the work itself is thankless. I would LOVE the thought of not having to go back there ever again, but I can't shake off the overwhelming feeling of guilt that I would be at home whilst my partner works. I have never relied on him for anything and everything has always been financially equal.

I am worried that the new balance would cause him to be jealous and resent me, although these are MY feelings, and not something he has ever hinted at, and he just tells me not to be daft.

I really don't think I could go back to my current job full time. We have a small holding and it would actually be nice if I could get some of the jobs, like exercising the dogs and feeding all the animals, keeping things tidy during the day (baby in sling), although I realise this is unrealistic initially, so that my partner would not have to do the additional work when he comes home from his job which he currently does (he doesn't generally get in until 9pm which is tiring).

So, it makes sense for ALL of us, yet I cant shake this feeling that I am being somewhat unfair on my OH. Is this just pregnancy hormones or has anyone else felt the same? x

[rallytog1]

I don't think it's unfair, but you do need to make sure you're both clear on how things will work.

For example, if you're not going out to work, will you still have equal access to money for running the household and an equitable amount of personal spending money? There are lots of cautionary tales on here about women who give up work and then end up being financially abused by their partner who withholds money from them. So it's vital to be clear about that - while you may not be contributing financially, you are making a different and equal contribution by raising your dc and as such your household income needs to be treated as a joint income.

Another thing to think about is your career in the longer term. For example, do you work in an industry that might be difficult to go back to in a few years' time? This may not be something that concerns you, but it is something to think about.

The good thing is that you don't need to decide now. Why not go on maternity leave, see how you enjoy being any home with your dc and make a decision about work later down the line?

[Supermum222]

My children are older now and I did return to work on a part time basis. I would leave, in your shoes, as it sounds like you are very unhappy there anyway. Once a baby is added to your family a whole need set up is needed anyway.
You could get a night job somewhere later on OR plan a career change...something you could do later on.

[Dirtymistress]

You could apply for flexible working and ask to drop to two/three days. Is that a possibility? I wouldn't be comfortable with be entirely financially dependent on another person.

[Didiusfalco]

What jumps out at me from your post is that you refer to your partner, if you are infact not married I think it puts you in a more precarious position relying on him financially. The factors that sent me back to work aside from the immediate financial need were to keep an active cv should i for some reason end up a lone parent, and the worry of redundancy or something happening for DH to be unable to work.

Having said that, it definitely sounds like you should leave your current job, but maybe consider part time, although I wouldnt underestimate how tiring it is looking after a little one, so an evening job could be a real drain while a part time day job could give you a bit of a breather.

[bronya]

Looking after a child under three is a full time job in itself, so you'd hardly be at home doing nothing while he worked hard in the office! Ask him why he thinks this would be a good idea, and you'll know his reasons. My DH fully supported my giving up work. DS was unhappy in childcare (sensitive child!), I never had any time for DH or DS (bringing work home) and we were planning a second child anyway, at which point childcare would be greater than my wages. It works well for us - DS is happy, the dog gets walked and the other animals cared for during the day.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

It depends on whether you are married. If you are not then it's a very big risk.

[Cosmomouse]

Thank you for your replies everyone! I think I was getting a bit emotional and being a worrier as usual.

We are not married yet, we had all of our wedding planned but then LO ended up being and is due on the week we were due to get married - so we have postponed it until May!

We have been together for 7 years and have a very good relationship, so although I cannot predict the future, I really, really can't see us separating any time soon.

I can see how it looks from my post, but my feelings of vulnerability are all of my feelings, and I really don't think my fiancé would take advantage of that financial position.

I think I really need to see how it goes whilst I am on maternity leave, as hard as that might be as I am MAJOR forward planner! :-)

Thanks again, I think I needed to get the feelings out and as soon as I wrote them down I realised that these were all my own thoughts and feelings and that there was no need to feel guilty really. Brain doing silly things :-)

[Gennz]

Hi Cosmos
Like you Im a forward planner (to a ridiculous extent) and I also have a full on job as an in-house lawyer. I am 28 weeks pregnant. Im also unhappy in my current job due to issues within the company. I dont want to be a SAHM but I am investigating options for a new job after the baby is born  is this something you could look into? While I wouldnt feel guilty, necessarily, if I wasnt working, I just dont want to take myself out of the workforce for a variety of reasons  including keeping up career progression and limiting financial vulnerability. (I actually have an interview this afternoon for a 3 day a week role that would earn me close to the same amount as Im on now for 5 days  but I would need to start when the baby is quite small.)

Best bet might be to keep your options open with current job and see how you like being at home and maybe start job hunting for something else when youre feeling more settled with the baby? Being pregnant has definitely given me the spur I need to change my job! I figure that while I definitely want to continue working, I only want to be leaving my baby in childcare if its for something Im committed to/feeling invested in/being well-compensated for  which isnt happening at my current company.