work/life balance in dual income households

[outofpractice]

Very personal question probably of no relevance or interest to anyone else: my friend accuses me of being too judgmental and rejecting men I have had dates with because I find it boring that they seem to be working all the time. I said that if during the date the only thing he shows off to me about is his work, then it makes me think that he has got no other interets, and I would not enjoy being his girlfriend. My friend says it is wrong of me to expect childless single men to have achieved the type of work/life balance that I have worked really hard at over 4 years, and, if a married man does not work late every evening, "Who will earn the money?" I thought that a man who was attracted to a woman who wanted to stay at work after having children would feel that because she earned a good amount, they could ultimately share breadwinning, and he could therefore have more time at home, eg come home for dinner, attend social family activities, and not be hellbent on climbing to the very very top of the career tree as number one priority in life. Are there any men like that in dual income households, or should I just accept that all men make work their number one priority, and pick a boyfriend who will work all the time, earn more than me, and not tread on my toes with any domestic matters?

[sykes]

I think that's ridiculously out-dated and would run a mile from anyone who expected their career to be his/her number one priority. Having said that, think it's difficult when you do both work full time and are away from home for over 12 hours a day each - and unfair on the children - that's just my experience. And I seriously believe it contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. My h took on most/a lot of the domestic work and childcare as I worked in town. And we both ended up knackered and fed up. However, it did work for the first 12 years.

[secur]

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[outofpractice]

Thanks, but this realistic approach is hard to translate into practice. Eg, if someone accepts invitation to lunch, theatre, and so on but then keeps cancelling in the last minute because of work, this puts me off. Should I stop thinking that this indicates that he fancies me insufficiently / lacks oomph / is boring, and instead pursue such men, because poor them, they just have strong work ethics and are too busy to court me?

[emsiewill]

No, I would say it is because they are rude and self obsessed. And if they cancel dates at the beginning of a relationship when they should be trying to impress you, what would they be like when they don't have to try any more?

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but that is my immediate reaction to the question.

[coppertop]

Although I am a SAHM, dh will leave work at the drop of a hat if there is a problem with the children that I can't handle alone. Ds1 is autistic and it's often difficult to take him anywhere at short notice so if ds2 falls ill and needs to see the doctor, dh comes straight home to either take him or look after ds1. He feels that family takes priority over work and although he is willing to do overtime, he refuses to work later than about 6pm as this would be depriving him of time with his family.

There must be other men out there who feel the same way so don't give up just yet.

[Tinker]

I think I tend to agree with your friend that it would be really difficult to expect a single childless man to have discovered a work/life balance that is as developed as a parent's (mother's usually?). I imagine that could be said for most single childless women too. I do know of childless women who work part-time though. Oh, and just thought of one man who does as well. Hmm, I think it might just be something that most childless single men don't realise that they can think break free of, the pressure of work I mean. That they can work less if they want to.

I would be very alarmed by any man or woman who regularly dropped dates for WORK!

[motherinferior]

Ooooh no, OOP, I agree totally, you don't want a bloke like that. I've lived with one and gone out with a couple more. My bloke isn't perfect, and in fact he's out at a work thing at the moment but that very VERY rarely happens and he certainly doesn't think his job - which is interesting and demanding - is his whole life.

Why on earth shouldn't a childless single man be doing a few things beside work, anyway? He's got the money and the time (sigh)...you go with your instincts, love, I reckon you're right.

[elliott]

OOP, I have friends who sometimes behave like that and it is something that really really infuriates me - it is rude and ultimately self destructive to expect personal relationships to be put constantly on hold for the sake of work. But perhaps those men who are single have either become even more work orientated than the norm, or are still single because of it. But there are definitely people in the world who have different value systems - maybe you need to try lookign in different places? (god knows where - I haven't had a new date for 16 years so not the best to advise!)

[jac34]

When our boys were pre-school age, DH and I both went P/T, so that they would only have to go to nursery 2 days a week, and spend the rest of the week with him,me, or both on weekends.
Now that they are in school, we are really pleased that we did as we would have missed loads.
We have both kept the same hours as before, and share the school runs between us during the week, but no longer pay childcare, so our income has increased anyway.
Neither of us really wanted to increase our hours, we both feel it makes for a happier famlily this way. I'm proberbly more career driven than DH, he would love to be a SAHF given half a chance, and would proberbly be blissfully happy just pottering about the house, baking home made pizzas.
I'm due quite a good pay rise soon and we have already discussed DH dropping more hours, so that we would both be doing about the same hours at work, and he would have more time to himself.

[Galaxy]

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[Galaxy]

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[aloha]

My dh really loves his job, but loves his family more. We come first. He turns down all sorts of exciting things- free concerts, trips to New York etc to be with us. We both work, but his priority is his family.

[eddm]

Depends on the job ? when I was a young and keen journo (sigh.. those were the days...) I would drop everything to rush off on an assignment because a. it was exciting b. I really believed in what I was doing and c. I needed to prove myself. If you want to keep your place in the pecking order in a competitive newsroom you have to do that. I've changed what I do and where I work because didn't want to play those games any more. And got old and boring, probably! My dh is less career-orientated, ahem, which is handy when ds is ill, but not when I'm worrying about how we'll pay the bills if we have more kids (or when I'm made redundant, this summer).

[SK8DAD]

There are men around who don't consider work the priority in life - I know because I am one! Who wants to work all the time anyway!?

Perhaps should not be so flippant because there are situations when you find yourself (not just dads but mums too) under real pressure from work and have to put extra hours in for deadlines etc. The point is that these should be exceptions, not the norm.

It can be done, take it from me. Don't accept anything less than will make you happy, could be the rest of your life you're talking about after all. Romantic idea I know, but true nevertheless.

[sis]

I think a lot of single people - irrespective of gender - tend to make work their main priority but repeated cancellation of dates due to pressures of work is indicative of the person not wanting/being able to do other things in life and I would not want someone like that as my partner. Also think that people should be able to talk about more than work - even if their lives are currently work-orientated, surely they must have other ambitions etc that they can talk about.

[CountessDracula]

A balance is something achieved over time. You don't just chuck a couple of things on the scales and they balance immediately - they swing about all over the place for a while!

I think that you and your potential bfs are obv approaching this from different angles - you are already a mother, they are single, their priority (at the moment) is work. They can't just change their habits overnight. You wouldn't hesitate to break a date if your child was ill or your babysitter blew you out. Work can be like that, there are sudden crises, meetings you are expected to attend etc.

Give them a bit of time to get to know you and realise there is more to life than work. I know so many men like this. Luckily dh not one of them! As you say you have had to work hard for 4 years to achieve this so it won't happen overnight for them

[secur]

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