I went back to work in january after a year of maternity leave, started with 3 days a week and then 4 from April and the expectation to go up to 5 from September. I've been using annual leave to take the other days off so am getting paid for full time.
I'm in the swing of the routine, just about coping ok with kerping the house sorted, and enjoying my work and my boss is trying to get me a promotion. I'm pooped every day getting into bed and feel vaguely aware that things are quite finely balanced though everything is ticking along.
I work funny hours from home and DD (17mo) is back from grandparents/nursery by 3pm on my work days so we have a couple of hours together each day then obv there's my day off (but that will soon be gone when I go up to 5 days).
But. I feel like I'm failing DD. I'm envious of the grandparents who have DD 2 days per week, I'm envious of my SAHM-friends who potter around.
I worry DD is missing out on things and that I'm not as in-tune with her as i used to be (or is this just typical of the toddler phase?), plus that I'm tired from working/keeping the house going (DH works v long hours so most is down to me). Whenever DD is clingy I'm concerned it's because she's fed up with going to nanny's/grandmas/nursery. She doesn't see DH at all in the week as he leaves early and gets home late and her time with me is limited so feel guilty about how much/little time she sees us. Plus because her time with is a bit limited I feel a huge pressure to make sure it's quality time (reading, drawing, singing, games etc) not just pottering whilst I do jobs, but I'm not sure I find playing comes naturally to me so feel guilty useless about that.
We've just bought our forever home and whilst we're not stretched financially, we need to do work to the house and have intentions to overpay on the mortgage to get the monthly repayments down to free up cash in the future. I earn a bit more than DH and we'd like another baby next year so I'm loathed to reduce my hours officially to a) get our longer term finances in a hood position, b) maximise my next maternity pay, c) have cash to sort the house and have a much-needed holiday and upgrade old banger of car and d) be in a better position to then reduce hours officially if/when DC2 arrives. And because of all that I feel guilty for prioritising all that over time with DD.
Yet she's a happy little thing, I'm happy at work, DH's happy. So why can't I shake this niggle? Is it just Curse Of The Working Mum, or should I fuck the finances and longer-term intentions for more time with DD?
I'm not sure how well work would react to me officially reducing my hours and they've been SO accommodating with my flexible working requests so far I don't want to upset the apple cart. Plus if my salary dips now the next few years will be really hard (I'd hope to work PT til dc2 is at school).
If I reduced hours we could make cutbacks by taking DD out if nursery but she loves it there. And it would disappoint/not work logistically for the grandparents if we changed the data they currently have DD.
So all in all our current situation, on the face of it, works well. Not sure what the point of this post really is tbh.
DD will be talking soon and I'm dreading if she says "can I stay home with you today mummy?"
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Happy but disillusioned with work
8 replies
hellohellohihi · 05/06/2013 23:13
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