So. I'm two months into my first salaried / in an office job since before my DC arrived (5yrs & 21months). Mostly I feel inadequate, a bit stupid, and like a massive fraud.
Basically I left my last full time job to freelance 2 weeks before I found out that I was (accidentally) pregnant with my DS. I've maintained a reasonably busy part-time freelance career since then with x2 year long periods of maternity leave.
I feel as if I've done nothing really well since i had my DC. I've felt constantly conflicted and have never quite got the balance right. At the same time, we couldn't afford for me to not work and I feel as if being a SAHM isn't for me.
So a job came up in a slightly different part of my sector (think poacher turned game keeper). I decided that a new challenge and a new perspective on things would be great for me and would act as a springboard back into the thick of things. Eventually I want to work full-time again and because I don't intend to have any more DC, this felt like a starting point.
But I'm just lost. I feel stupid. I don't understand what's going on around me, they talk in a language I don't get, I can't get my head around how I should act or be with clients and colleagues. I'm panicking about everything and crisis managing. I can see that this perfectly nice team of people are looking at me trying to work out where the ballsy, professional, confident person they met at interview stage has gone (I always did talk a good game...).
I think that my confidence is shot. My first maternity leave happened at a point where I was about to take a professional step up. This effectively went in hold and I've spent the last nearly 6 years treading water and feeling like I wasn't much cop at that. I've now (sort of) taken the step up and I can't hack it.
I'm surrounded by friends and family (not least my DH) who are successful, have senior roles, and are confident in their abilities. I feel like my chance has gone. I'm mediocre and I don't know what happened and how on earth I let this happen to me.
I told you I needed a good talking to. Apologies for the melancholy and I'm sure I just need to pull myself together. Thank you if you got this far. In case it isn't really obvious I've had a horrible day at work and needed to let off steam. I just don't think there's anyone I can say this to in real life.
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Think I probably just need a good talking to...
9 replies
Limelight · 09/11/2012 22:22
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