Feeling lousy

[popsycal]

Have been back at work for over a year now since maternity leave finished. Today, I feel just totally rubbish about having to leave DS. Feel as though I am missng out on soooo much of his life and resent the fact that other people get to spend all day with him and I don't. My heart just isn't in my job anymore and I used to be so dedicated and motivated. The work is piling up and I am sooo behind with things. More than anything I want to bring up DS and be with him when he needs me.
Maybe I have just had a hypersensitive/hormonal day but I feel like half a mum and half a career person - doing neither job properly.
Have tried to talk to dh about it but he is being quite flippant (he has to work and get on with it so why shouldn't i?)
Thought that it would get easier, but it is actually getting worse!
Would love to go part-time...but it would be pushing the finances a bit
Don't really expect any solutions but would appreciate talking it through......

[fisil]

Is it just an every now and then feeling? I got it a bit this morning, just hearing his lovely squeals made me wish I was staying home with him. Then we all got sent home from work at midday and I had a lovely afternoon with him ... but now I'm glad I'm back to work tomorrow.

I keep wondering about part time too. I think I could cope with the money - I'd do without stuff, and we're quite comfy, but I think I would desperately miss the feeling of having a career. Maybe it's just my paticular job, but I don't see it working part time.

If you just took a 20% reduction, would that work?

[popsycal]

I really thought before ds that I would need to work for my onw independence/self esteem/sense of worth etc etc etc
When ds was about 12 wks old, I would have happily gone back to work as I was having a nightmare of a time.
But now (and this will sound really cliched....) it just feels like a pain in my chest most days to leave him, even on the days that he is with grandma not childminder
it is dragging on and on and i don't know what to do about it

[CountessDracula]

popsycal I am going through this a bit at the moment. My idea is to go 4 days a week in January and hope that my payrise at xmas will cover it. I am quite happy to do without certain things too, and savings will go to the wall for a year or two but so what? I do feel that if I don't make the most of her now I will regret it. Am hoping to get pg again so I can take some mat leave before the new baby is born and spend it with dd.

[Norma]

Popsy, what would your dh honestly think about you going part time? Would he support you? And do you have a job where you could easily go part time?
If you are truly unhappy with the present situation (and not just thinking of a way out of the workload mess), then you ought to go for it. Your son will grow quickly and you will regret it when it is too late if you don't at least have a go. Is it possible to go on to voluntary reduced hours working for say a max. period of one year, with the option of going back to your original contract after that time, or negotiating a new part time contract?
It is amazing how much additional expense is simply created by the fact that we work, eg takeaway meals etc because we are too knackered to cook, childcare etc.
It is impossible to be supermum, and I certainly identify with you saying that you feel you're not doing either job properly.
I work 24 hrs per week btw.

[popsycal]

If is had a proper serious chat with dh i know that he would support me. at the moment he just sees me getting upset every once in a while then seeming 'ok' after a good cry. he knows that i hate work - so does he - but not for the same reason (he is a lazy toad when all is said and done _
i have probably the most perfect job for bringing up kids due the the extended holidays.....however, as well as 13 weeks off a year (yep i am a lowly teacher) i feel as thought i make up for the 13 weeks with all of the additional 'homework' i do and the work in the hols to try to catch up!
I too am due a small pay rise in dec then in april then a rather larger one in september (i go onto a new pay scale with any luck) so we could manage
My issues would be:

• paying off loans that we still have from our student days (7 years ago I hasten to add!)
  
• mortgage
  
• credit card bill that we went on honeymoon with
  
  we dont really go on holiday much and at the moment we run 2 cars (one 3 years old one banger)
  We can do without meals out, excessive food shopping etc
  the only thing is, I think that it would have to be dh cutting down on frivolous spending (CD, DVDs, cinema etc etc). I don't seem to spend much on myself!

[popsycal]

Ps like the countess, i am hopingto get preg again soon
oh, and dh wants to move house...

[Norma]

Well then why not try to stick it out whilst trying for another baby. Then at least you would be on your full whack of mat. pay, and you could go back part time after your 2nd is born.
I know that that doesn't solve the problem of you feeling like you are missing out on your wee son's days now, but at least you get the holidays with him, which is a lot more than loads of non-teacher working mums get(even if you are trying to fight him off your prep work!)
Is he a happy little lad with the way things are at present, or do you truly think that he is suffering as well as you?
Hope you feel better tomorrow xx

[popsycal]

DS is really happy
He loves going to grandma's two days per week and loves it at the childminder where he interacts with loads of kids of all different ages. He actaully thrives on it
it is just me who feels dreadful
and i suppose that this is just a selfish thing
Norma - you are right about waiting and seeing if ds2 or a dd comes along and thinking about part-time after that. I know that I am lucky with hols etc etc. Don't know what I would do without them
giving myself a shake and trying to tell myself to stop being such a miserable and ungrateful mum!

[Norma]

Norma prescribes a big glass,no make that a bottle, of wine. You are a great mum, and lucky to have a supportive dh, so stop getting all morose and get merry instead.
I get worked up all the time about the strains of doing it all, whilst dh is incapable of seeing the disorder that engulfs this household.
Feel like an elastic band about to snap on him sometimes.

[popsycal]

I feel the same way, Norma
Have already prescribed myself several big galsses of wine tonight
Thikn I am probably just being over emotional today and blowing things out of proportion
I know that i am lucky - very lucky
now i just feel guilty for being ungrateful
nevermind

[CnR]

popsycal - if it is really bothering you this much are you sure you couldn't consider part time more seriously. As you may remember I am a teacher too and went part time after maternmity leave (DD now 19 months). I work 3 days a week, 60% timetable. I am on the top of the normal payscale; not yet got round to doing the paperwork for the higher skill - I know I should, will do next time I think, if I get some time! The pay isn't so bad and is possibly more than you think. And the work is reduced, although I do still have plenty of work out of school, I stick to my guns and do nothing on my 2 days off.

Could you manage if you did 4 days? at least then you'd have a full extra day with your DS - just for you and him to enjoy.

Or have you considered going on supply for a while? I know that would mean giving up your responsibilities ( head of year was it?) for a while too, which I know you like the role. But you could then still do as many days as you need but wouldn't have the 'homework'.

Sorry you are feeling so down. I know it can be hard as it is, without having the guilt factor involved as well.

[CnR]

Just read the bit about you wanting another baby, so:

Do you think you can hang on in there until after that happens? Thenn go part time after the baby is born? Then you would benefit from the full maternity pay. Half of full pay is much better than half of a 60% timetable pay is you see what I mean.

By the way, when part time you an still pay into your pension too so you have that behind you as well.

[CnR]

Have to go to bed now as early start in morning. Hope you feel a bit more positive tomorrow, and I will try to catch up with how things are going. Take care.

[Norma]

this

isn't what is causing all this guilt is it?

Women are doomed to feel guilty as soon as they become mothers, and the media plays on it for cheap thrills.
As you said, your son is a happy little bunny, so relax and enjoy your life.

Took me ages to work out how to do links!

[popsycal]

Hi all!
Thanks for all your advice and messages! Feel a bit better today as I think that I have come to a sort of decision.
Chatted to dh more last night and explaine dhow i was feeling and he was great
We chatted about priorites and we would like to try for another baby soon
so!
I am applying to the higher pay spine as we speak which means from sept next year i will get a big jump in salary (bigish anyway)
so......if we do get preg, even if we got preg now (argh!!ohmygodohmygodohmygod) it wouldnt be bron until i got the big payrise at the very earliest
So - i will try and stick it out then possibly try for 3 days a week if and when no2 comes along
alos won't have to pay 2 days of childmnider
in actual fact, will probably be better off than we are now!
there
also i am out of school on thurs and fri this week which feels kind of nice

[Norma]

Great to hear it! So now you just need to get that libido revved up!

[CnR]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit more positive today popsycal, and especially that you got to chat to your DH and get things a bit more sorted (at least planned for). It does make a difference to have things planned out a bit roughly so you know what you are working towards.

[popsycal]

Can kind of bear it if i know that there is a possibility of change in the future
Managed to blag going on a school trip on friday whilst looking as though I was doing domeone a massive favour. Result!

[CnR]

Good work! Going anywhere nice?

Hope your kids are well behaved for you and it isn't stressful. I went on a trip to York in September with the 6th formers. Had been there about 40 minutes and one of the lads phoned up. He had been arrested for shoplifting in HMV!!! Luckily we had an assistant headteacher with us and he went down to the police station to sort it all out - took all day though.

Sure yours will be much less eventful in that way though. have a great day!

[popsycal]

The kids are generally good though they have asked me to be in the class with the most tricky boy in the year gp as he knows me from last year and we get on quite well
will be fine!

[CnR]

Have a great time and enjoy the day "off" IYKWIM.

[handlemecarefully]

Popsycal

Have come to this thread a bit late, but have just read all of it and I'm glad for you that you've reached a decision. I was experiencing almost identical feelings to you a couple of weeks ago (I currently work 30 hours per week), but now feel so much better as I have opted to cut my hours to 24, i.e. 3 straight days after I have my second baby in April.

I think you have done what is right for you (everybody else - please note I don't think all mums 'ought' to cut their hours, only those who want to!) - i.e. plan to reduce your hours in the future, since you were obviously struggling with the work / life balance. I bet a load is lifted from your mind now that you've reached a decision..and you'll probably find that your morale picks up at work now.