Random and rambling thoughts of a working mother facing DD1's first day at school...

[Issymum]

It's DD1's first day at school tomorrow. She'll be absolutely fine, but I'm having a wobble. Being a WOHM ('working outside the home mother') is a good choice for my family, probably the only choice (and so not a choice at all), I love my job and DD1 is happy, secure and enthusiastic but this is the end of the beginning and I feel what? Not guilty or even regretful but wistful about the time I missed with her pre-school. The milestone of the first day at school seems to mark particularly trenchantly that it is time we will never be able to retrieve.

There is also a creeping realisation that parenting a child at school is somehow more complicated than caring for a pre-schooler and that it will be very difficult to delegate the school-stuff. Our nanny is perfect, but I still feel uncomfortable that it is she who will hear about DD1's day at school, who will rescue her when she's sick, who will work out who her friends are or chat to her teacher at the school door. I think it's been said before, but as children get older they seem to needs their parents, not a professional substitute, more not less. And it's going to be hard for me to be there more.

Any other WOHM out there have the faintest idea what I'm rambling about?

[princesspeahead]

Yup.
Although as you know I'm no longer a wohm but a sahm.
I'm afraid I think it is true - it gets harder as the children get older. Their school life gets more complicated and requires more involvement (homework, tests, after school events, sleepovers, "issues" of all types, whether those are emotional or academic), they seem to require you more emotionally and can't just be palmed off with a cuddle... the list goes on.
I don't know what to suggest, because I know that you need to work. Perhaps DH could take on more of the parenting role? How many days is he working? Is he still coping with that? Would he consider/enjoy/countenance dropping his working hours to be around a bit more? Is it possible?

Bloody difficult though. I found with one child I could do 5 days a week. With 2 I could manage 4 days a week. With 3, and the eldest at full time school etc, I think 2 days a week would be ideal but not really possible. And with 2 at full time school, and the eldest getting even older (IYSWIM) it does get more complicated...

[princesspeahead]

God that sounds gloomy.
One thing I will say is don't worrysabout "missing" her pre-school days - firstly you didn't and secondly although they are very sweet and all that they do just get more interesting as they get older, and neither I nor she can remember much about dd's preschool years really! Endless fingerpainting and music for toddlers groups etc.... !

[Mum2girls]

Issymum - yes, I know exactly (I think) how you feel. I feel really bad that DD1 will be going to an after school club, rather than coming home (although she's been in nursery four days a week since 6 months old), that she won't really experience the really carefree weeks of the summer hols as she'll be at a 'holiday' club.

Life seems to be racing by and I'm starting to question if my priorities were/are right.

[aloha]

It races by no matter how you order your life. And you feel sad at these milestones whatever your work status. It's just life and motherhood, I think. I am full of guilt and regret about ds atm even though I know I do OK and he barely realises I work, tbh. I think I'm just feeling the sense that yes, it is a much more complex business dealing with the emotions and needs of an older child compared to my easy, uncomplicated baby. Milestones always make me sad. I cried when ds was two days old because he wasn't a 'day old baby' any more! Mad.

[binkie]

Oh yes. Delegating much of the school-stuff is Fine - playdates, having uniforms in place, snacks, everything admin is no problem at all. Nannies are rather fab at that side. It's the vaguer feeling "in the swim" that's tricky; plus I have neuroses about its and it's being explained Properly ...

Feeling excluded: I know you can't do the drop-offs or pick-ups, but dh is going to do some, isn't he? Also, could he, or you, or both, manage any of the parental get-togethers there often are at private schools? It's a bit scary getting your face known without having leisure of weeks of noddings in the street to do it, but it makes such a difference. Dd has an early (Oct) birthday and I use it shamelessly. As to teachers, our school has always let me come in before the term starts to say hello, so that they understand I just "can't" rather than "don't want" to be daily involved. They have my mobile and work numbers and know that I am always ready to be called.

Learning: for reception you will probably be able to do all the reading/spelling/numbers input that's needed at the weekend, so don't be concerned she's being left to learn without you (my big worry). As they get older (my ds now going into yr2) you will I think like me feel that they need more of you for learning - for us that means fitting something regular, a bit of writing, a catch-up on what's being read, into every weekend.

[Anchovy]

DS starts "big school" on Wednesday - in reality its only kindergarten and its mornings only this term as he is only just rising 4, but still it is the school he will stay at until he is 11 and is a whole step change from nursery school. I would classify myself as a WOHEHGSOOM (working outside the home every hour God sends on occasions mother). I've been feeling a bit reflective since we came back from holiday, but I'm having a glass half full day and actually I think I feel quite proud - proud that we've got this far and our arrangements have pretty much worked, proud that DS has blossomed into a funny, lively, inquisitive little boy, proud that he went to nursery school and made his very own friends, proud that I've gone from not knowing which way up to hold him to having a reasonable idea of what makes him tick. I feel like we have poured all this love and attention into DS and its sort of worked out ok (so far - as one of my colleagues said darkly to me: you enjoy it while you can - he'll never pass his Maths GCSE and start dabbling in soft drugs soon).

Having a nanny for DS (and DD) is part and parcel of DH and my life if we want to live this life. If I/we want to bring DCs up 100 per cent ourselves, then we have to live a different life -and actually all things considered this one is working ok most of the time. The rest is how we as mothers feel: we want to be there daily, we want to meet from school, we want to choose friends and let the teachers know how involved we are. But I bet your DD is happy with these arrangements and you are the one feeling the tug not her. How can you have failed in any way if your daughter is happy and healthy and you (mostly) enjoy your job.

(And I've just sneaked out of the ofice to buy some (wholesome) treats to go in the "snack pocket" of DS's brand new backpack just so he remembers how much I love him)

[MrsWobble]

I second Binkie's post about getting to know the teachers. Our school has a termly class forum for the parents in each class to talk to the teacher about the syllabus for the term etc. I've found that if I can't make them then the teacher is happy to have a chat some other time before or after school.

Getting to know the other parents is also difficult if you don't do the school run but I'm afraid I've taken the slightly anti social route of deciding it doesn't matter if I know them or not - I have difficulty keeping up with the friends I already have and am not really looking for any more. My children will make friends where they want to now - independently of my being friends with their friends mothers.

The other point I would make is that whilst I agree it gets harder when they start school, it does then get easier as their bedtime gradually moves later and you get more time with them after work. My eldest is starting year 6 so an important year for school transfers etc but she's not too tired to discuss homework etc when I get home from work unlike her younger sisters who need to go to bed and are certainly too tired to be doing homework by then.

[MrsWobble]

I also second Binkie's neurosis about its and it's - I spend my days reviewing reports by intelligent graduates who don't seem to have grasped the basics of English grammar

[Issymum]

Superb responses. There is something almost ethereal about being able to summon up a gang of eloquent, supportive WOHMs in my office at a key-stroke.

Yes, DH can do more. It's tricky because he has just accepted a new role at work that is more demanding but far more fulfilling (two attributes not entirely unrelated). I'm reluctant to ask him to cut-back at work as, whilst he is never anything less than emotionally secure, the role has clearly enhanced his sense of self-worth (DH has MS and uses a wheelchair). However, he has committed to pick up DD1 weekly and I'm going to try to do the same. Even in this new role, DH is reliably home between 6-6.30 every night, but to Mrs Wobble's point, right now there is little left of the conscious day by then. But, DH and DD1 do a lot of father-daughter chatting (mostly about how rainbows are made and what number comes after 'alot') so I can prod DH to give DD1 the space to talk about school.

I'm not too worried about homework. Our perfect nanny is leaving in late October, but she is being replaced by a Kiwi teacher with 8 years' experience of KS1. So I think we've got that covered - for now. It's probably going to be an issue when she inevitably moves on, but bridges..crossing...not yet.

Good suggestions about getting to know the teacher. She has already invited me to meet with her at any time (the headteacher will cover her class) to discuss adoption issues, so there will be an opportunity to make it clear then that, as Binkie puts it, I'm in the "can't" not "won't" category.

And Anchovy and Binkie are so right. DD1 would love to have me (and DH) at home all the time and whoops with joy when she realises that tomorrow is the weekend, but is actually very happy with life as it is and generally unaffected by my absence. It is I who feel the "tug". And, as Aloha says, all milestones are a little sad.

And as for exclusion by other parents. Mrs Wobble is, as ever, bang on point. Life's too short and too crowded to give a stuff.

By the way, I love Anchovy's description of herself as a WOHEHGSOOM. And I'm intrigued by Mrs Wobble's 'handle' as I've never seen her betray so much as a trace of a wobble. Respect!

[Enid]

I totally agree with pphs posts. It does get harder as they get older - and more interesting!

[motherinferior]

Oh, Issymum, thank you for starting this thread. As you know, my working arrangements are different from yours - I am at home, the Inferiorettes are elsewhere - but that creeping realisation about school (suppose DD1 wants to go to things that aren't on school premises after school?) is so, well, creeping; and that sense - for me - of 'well, I could pick her up at 3.30 every day, she's only down the road, aren't I being horribly self-centred?' does corrode the soul.

[MrsWobble]

my nickname was given to me on marriage. For reasons I have never fully understood my husband was known as Wobble so I naturally enough became Mrs Wobble and in due course we had the three wobblettes. not much used as a name now other than amongst a fairly select band of old friends but it seemed the obvious name to use when having to select a nickname

[Issymum]

Thank you Mrs Wobble. Mystery solved. Good to know that you are as unwobbly as I suspected!

Right I'm off home early and I'm having the day off tomorrow to drop off and pick up DD1.

[WideWebWitch]

Issymum, I just wanted to say that I know the feeling too, it is bittersweet when they leave for school. Could you tell the woman who wanted to buy back your maternity leave that you'd like to buy some additional holiday?

[WideWebWitch]

Issymum, I just wanted to say that I know the feeling too, it is bittersweet when they leave for school. Could you tell the woman who wanted to buy back your maternity leave that you'd like to buy some additional holiday?

[WideWebWitch]

Opps, sorry, wobbly mouse.

[Whizzz]

Wow what a good thread & excellently put.
I work full time & recently applied to drop a day but was turned down (B***ds). I know DS will be fine at school but I want to be a 'proper' mummy on at least one day to take him & pick him up. As it is, I have negotiated an early (2.30) finish on Fridays so I can at least meet him from school on one day.
You do wonder where all the time has gone when they stand there in their little uniforms....

[nikkie]

I get it completely although I only work p/t 3/4 days a week plus some w/e. So I do getto pick up/drop off some days.I do miss the Mums being friendly and friends for tea etc as I have to arrange for my Mam to do it until i finish work etc.
I have also found out today that dd2 won't start her new nursery til Friday( very good reason) now instead of Thurs AFTER I had swopped my days so I could take her.It is also too late to change again now.

[nooka]

I think I'm another WOHEHGSOOM - although my office does close at 7.30, so never later than that (although occasionally I do bring it home too I have arranged my hours so that I always have breakfast with my two (ds going into yr 2, dd starting in reception in three days), and I did for a while pick up ds once a week. This meant that I got to chat a little to the other mums, and also to ds's teacher - I have a horrible habit of being late (I found it very difficult to get away from work on time). Interestingly since dh has been a SAHD it has made little or no difference, as he does't talk to anyone, so I still know the mums better.

I ease my conscience by taking the occasional day off, and doing fun things with them then, and trying to make sure we get time to talk and do special things at the weekend. They do occasionally complain that I'm not around, but to be honest after school what they really like to do is play with their friends, or veg in front of the TV.

[soapbox]

Issymum, I know exactly how you feel!

I think I've got by with my DCs at school by treating it like any other work project - I worked out how to get the maximum hit from the minimum effort!

For me that means working at home on Fridays and doing a short day so that I always drop off and pick up on Fridays.

I always turn up at every school event, no matter what a pain in the bottom that is diary wise.

I do one full day school trip a year with each of their classes as a helper, the earlier on in the school year the better as it gets you chatting on a much closer basis with their teachers and they 'see you' more easily amongst the throng of other parents!

I also did an hour of reading with the children on my 'at home' day which elevated me to near goddess status with the teaching staff[preening emotion]

On my one day of drop off and pick up I cultivate a very small number of friends. These two or three SAHMs have been a total blessing to me! They ring me or email to remind me of things going on at school, will leap in to pick up the children if nanny is ill or caught up in a traffic jam One even made extra cakes for the Christmas fair to avoid my embarassment at not having made any. More importantly though, they are there to chat to on the days I'm waiting in the playground so that I don't look like Billy no-mates They are lovely people and whilst like others I have little space for new best friends in my life, I am very lucky to have these people around me!


If I have to work late at work then I work super late. As soon as 6.30 has gone then I have missed seeing the children for that evening. So I might as well work a super late one 11ish and that way should be able to be home on time or even early (as if) during the rest of the week!

If I am going to be late I always phone to talk to the children and hear about their day.

It isn't easy but it is doable!

As for the past and the passing of those precious pre-school years, I totally understand. No wise words on thar one - just a shared wistfullness

[binkie]

soapbox wisdom as expected!
I strongly second the "dates in diary" thing - like soapbox on principle I do not miss a single concert, parents' evening, etc. But last year dh did not put the dates in his diary the moment the calendars came out in September and he missed everything.
School trip also very good idea - I do that too.
Also clever suggestion of targeted cultivation reminded of something our school does (which isn't general because of data protection, snore) which is to hand out a class schedule of every child's address, parents' first names, all contact numbers - from that you can identify anyone who lives close and sort of home in on them. Not that anyone at our school does live close! - instead I home in on families with pairs of similarly aged siblings to ours.

[mumbee]

Thank you i knew i am lucky to be a SAHM, but even the wisdom of soapbox has mad me realise how important it is for me to make the time at the end of the day for my Dd & Ds. Dd will be in yr2 and Ds starts in reception both next week. I am lucky to have found five other mums who are a mix of working and stay at home, we share tiemetables and other information which helps us to be even more involved. This year will be the first year I will be able to help on school trips.

Other good things to do especially WOHM is to becone a governor or join the PTA group. Primary would also love it if the men would become more involved at governor level

[Anchovy]

Soapbox I loved your post and that is exactly what I needed to hear at this stage. Like you, I need to get the maximum hit from the minimum effort! Part time working - even working from home - is not an option for me unfortunately, but DH and I have agreed that we will try and do morning drop off once a week this term and see how it goes. Also, like you, if I miss the children in the evening I might as well work late and get absolutely everything else done in the office so that (theoretically at least) it frees me up later in the week or generally just puts me ahead of the game.

I like the idea of cultivating a small number of friends (at nursery school I had adopted the "vague beaming smile and random chat to anyone in the vicinity of the school gates" approach - with predictable mixed results!)

[MrsWobble]

as well as phoning as Soabox does I have also got in the habit of emailing my children - it can be the highlight of a dreadful day to open up work email to find an "I love you Mummy" message

[nooka]

I wish that I could put dates in diary! Our school seems to think that a week in advance is good notice I like the summer for doing pick ups becasue most of ds's friends go to the playground, so I can get to talk to their parents (also have two or three that I chat to properly, and a few more for saying hello) and watch the children's interactions. Haven't managed to have any of them around for tea because it's not dh's scene, but would like to! The winter seems less point, as it's really just pick up and rush off.