Please help - ds1 is unhappy and bored at school (reception)...

[lovemynano]

Please bear with me, this is long and I'm sure very boring but I'm desperately worried. Ds1 was born prematurely and so his development has been very closely followed medically speaking. His intellectual development has previously been highlighted by a child development expert as "above his age" (at 3 he was assessed as about 18 months ahead of average) - but he is not on any kind of register or programme as "gifted and talented"! (so sorry if this is the wrong place to post ...).

He is now 5 and in reception at a private school. He initially seemed to settle well at school, but over the last couple of months has started telling us he is bored in class. This seems to have had an effect on his behaviour at school - general silliness, and he is getting told off a lot. He is quite sensitive and has told us he hates being told off but can't seem to control the silliness. He is now lying awake at night worrying about this and is not eating well either. We had tried to improve the sleep issue by taking his books away at bedtime (poor boy was sitting in bed in the dark trying to read), but now when I go up to check on him he's still awake at 9.30 telling me he's worried about things.

His behaviour at home is great, he loved his nursery and he interacts well with his friends from home/sibling - it just seems to be a school issue. We've tried speaking to school about this but we just got a bit of a "roll of the eyes" and a look as if to say "oh dear, another set of parents who think their child is a genius". They have told us that reception is too early to give "extra" work and that he has to progress through all the levels of reading, maths books etc. same as everyone. We couldn't give a monkeys what level reading book he is on, but he is clearly unhappy and doesn't seem to be stimulated enough. The school meanwhile is very focussed on him improving his behaviour but doesn't seem to have any strategy for doing this other than complaining to us about it.

Thank you for bearing with me if you've got this far - I'm just looking for ideas for what to do next. Has anyone been through similar? Am I just excusing bad behaviour by looking for "brightness"? (I personally would say btw that he is bright and has potential but is not the next Stephen Hawking). Would it help for him to see a professional in relation to his unhappiness? Thank you.

[ahundredtimes]

I am inclined to think that he is just being silly, and probably a bit 'immature'. I'm not absolutely sure this is because he is bored. He might just be a 5 y-o boy who is behaving in a silly way - and getting into trouble, and isn't sure why.

I'd go in and say 'ds is worried about school. He seems to be getting into lots of trouble - what shall we do about this?'

I wouldn't mention bored or clever or anything.

[lovemynano]

TBH we've had a bit of a problem getting much info at all from school about what they do - but they've been through phonics and are now on various reading schemes (depends on the child I think?), they work through a maths book every day but the maths seems very structured - they aren't allowed to go past a certain page in the book and ds says he's bored of being asked the same questions. I was quite happy with the school's general ethos when he started - seemed very all-rounder based, not a hot-house at all - now I'm wondering.

[lovemynano]

Yes I would say he's not a "mature" boy emotionally - he takes things to heart but lacks the maturity to say why he is being silly - which is probably frustrating for the school ...

[ahundredtimes]

Yes, well that is the kind of maturity lots of us have yet to achieve. I am frequently silly and unable to say why.

It sounds much more to me as though he's just not quite 'getting' the school routines, and acting up a bit. They will have seen this a thousand times before.

But if he's worried - then have a word. But I think you'll fare better and get him more support if you say, 'he's worried, is he being silly a lot? What's the best thing to do about this?' than to say 'he's bored'.

Also ime 5 y-o's say 'I'm bored of the same question' and sometimes they mean 'the maths was boring, but Billy had this bit of sellotape that I wanted, and I was wondering when playtime was, and then my sock kept rolling down, and I wanted to go over and look at the books instead.'

[cory]

I agree with ahundredtimes. Tell the school simply that he is worried and leave the ball in their court. They may have noticed other problems that he hasn't told you about.

How is he getting on socially at school? Is he making friends? Does he have someone to play with at break? If not, does the school have a buddy bench or similar for making new friends? Is there any reason to suspect bullying?

IMO reception, even for the brightest child, ought to be more about social interaction and learning to function in a group than about the academic side. Does he not find this interesting? Or does he find it intimidating? (I would have done at his age)

What I'm trying to get at is that being bored can be child code for a lot of different problems; before you go in telling the teacher what to do, you need to be sure you've identified the right one. Or better, ask for the teacher's help in identifying the right one.

[seeker]

I would always be a bit careful when a very little child says they are bored. I'm not sure most of them understand exactly what it means. My ds used to say eh was bored when he meant the teacher had got him to do something he didn't want to do!

And I suspect a very clever child is more likely to be bored in the later years - surely there is too much dressing up and sand and water and paint to play with in Reception to be bored!

I think ahundred time's question is a good one - the school obviously isn't giving him what he needs, poor little boy, but you need to fins a plan together to help him.

Can he articulate what he's worrying about? Could you cuddle him to sleep a few nights - that might help him relax?

[WigWamBam]

That was my thought too, MMJ.

Do they ever get the chance to play? Reception should be more about play than academic stuff - and if it's done properly, there should be plenty of stimulation through their play.

Am a bit about the idea that a Reception aged child should be mature in any way; the school should know enough about little children to be able to deal with that (pretty normal, IMO) kind of behaviour.

[cory]

ahundredtimes types faster than me

I have also known "I am bored" (even in very able children) to be code for "I didn't really understand this".

But one is sure. To a teacher, in the mouth of a parent, "My son is bored" means one thing only: "I don't think you're doing your job".

[avenanap]

You are paying for a service which they are not delivering. If you have spoken to them and they are doing nothing then find him another school. Through experience, I know that a bored and bright child spells problems. My ds used to be anxious, have diarrhoea and stomach pains because of the problems he was having in reception because he was bored. It was, at times, very distressing for us both as he would sit and cry because he was so sad. Please don't let your child become like this. I did move him but it took a very long time (years) for him to settle down in his new school. They should really be giving him work that is appropriate to his needs, this is what you are paying for. His behaviour won't improve unless things change for him. I know that you're not excusing his bad behaviour, he's expressing how unhappy he is, this is normal. He doesn't need a professional, he needs work that meets his ability and firm boundaries.

[lljkk]

Kids who are academically slow also often complain about being bored... because even though something has been explained to them many times, they still don't 'get it' -- so they don't have anything to do in class, and then they act up... out of sheer boredom!

[lovemynano]

Thanks for the messages, yes we have certainly held off using the "B" word so far as we don't want to be inflammatory, so we have worded things very carefully - the play issue does bother me a bit, as my feeling is that while they have a lot of play activities it seems quite tightly controlled (difficult to explain, but I guess I mean they aren't exactly allowed to do their own thing - perfect behaviour seems to be expected at all times!) Whereas at home he's given a lot of freedom to do what he wants and I would say behaves really nicely. In terms of his friends, the other kids are lovely and from what we see at parties etc he seems to interact well with them.

[seeker]

I disagree avenap - he shouldn't be being given work at all! He's 5 years old - at 5 their work is play, play and more play.

[cosima]

I would think that if a 5 year old is lieing in bed at night worrying then this is quite alarming and I would be horrified if the school thought complaining to you about bad behaviour was a good remedy. Are you sure the school is that good?

I am the worlds soppiest mother so mns don't start kicking off, but I find some of these over strict private schools rather repressive, particularly for bright little things

[lovemynano]

We are seeing the school next week - how do you think we should raise the behaviour issue? So far we've tried to be supportive but they're not really looking for the reasons behind the behaviour - its just this isn't acceptable and has to be sorted. I suppose I just expected them to be a bit more pro-active with a strategy for dealing with it - is this unfair?

[avenanap]

Seeker, you are right, they should be playing but sometimes this is not what is best for that child. When you have a gifted child who wants to learn and is not allowed do you think that child is happy? Every child is different. Some will happily play and paint pictures all day, others want to learn. When my ds was at nursery he didn't want to play, he would sit and read books. Alot of them. He would play if a game sparked his interest though.

[cory]

No, I think you have a point which should be raised. If he's this upset, I'd be marching straight into school- not to criticise them, but to let them know there is a genuine problem.

From what you've told us I'm not sure that the real problem is that he is understimulated as such. It sounds more like they are a bit over-controlling and can't cope with the fact that he's a small boy.

[bossybritches]

No it's not unfair Lovemy- he has worries/concerns & although it might be trivial to us grown-ups it needs addressing.

Sometimes just being seen to be "doing" something & talking about it is enough for a child. if the teacher feels you want to work WITH them, in a positive manner ,rather than just expecting them to sort it out (even if it is really their problem)then they may be more receptive. They obvioulsy need to be taking a more positive & pro-active approach IMHO but difficult to know what to advise, sorry.

poor litle mite & poor you!!

[seeker]

Ih lord - we are going to have to be careful this doen't turn into one of "those" threads. So I am going to say one more thing and then go away.

Of course children should be allowed to learn. But play isn't something they do while they are waiting to learn - play IS learning. A child this age who doesn't want to play shouldn't be given more work, he should be helped to play. Missing out on play is just as damaging as missing out on learning to read. Maybe more so, because it's very hard to go back to the "play" stage.

A child who wants to sit in a corner all day and read books is having just an unbalanced experience as a child who wants to play football all day. To be rounded people they should be helped to develop both sides. Play is not a trivial matter for these little children!

[lovemynano]

Thanks very much for your messages - I'm off to do my food shopping now (!) and will have a good think about things the next few days before we see the school. Its just heartbreaking to see a child so unhappy they don't seem to enjoy their food anymore or can't sleep - worry shouldn't be in the vocab of a 5 yr old!

[seeker]

fIf you can, why not keep him of school for the rest of the week? Having a gentle relaxing time with mum might encourage him to talk abotu what's troubling him.

[GooseyLoosey]

In a way he sounds like my ds (just 5) who will complain about being bored and does get into minor trouble a fair bit. He is also fairly bright but no genius.

I have decoded "bored" as meaning that he does not feel he gets enough attention and is disappointed when the teacher does not (quite reasonably) want to listen to him all of the time.

The class has a traffic light system where you can see how good a child has been. If dh is on the amber light (which means he has been told off 3x) we have a chat about what happened and what should have happened and whether or not he thinks it was fair. It turns out that he generally thinks it was fair and there was one persistent problem with him talking all the time (which we are dealing with with lots of reminders and giving people turns to talk at home etc). However, there was one adult who he always felt treated him unfairly and we took that up with the school and it has stopped.

Be as open with the school and your ds as possible. If you can, work out whether there are any particular issues and then you and the school can work on solutions together.

Would say though, if it is fee-paying and he is very unhappy, I would be looking at moving him.