I am posting in this stupid topic because I need someone to kick some sense into me :o(

[Greensleeves]

I have a meeting with ds1's teacher (with whom I am deeply unimpressed) and the school senco this afternoon. I spoke briefly to the teacher this morning to confirm, and she told me gleefully that we needn't look at the problems from the G&T point of view, because there is another child in the class who has "more words" than ds1, she has "gone from nothing to 350" in a very short time.

Everything in me is screaming "NO, NO, he is free reading at home, you are just BORING him and your stupid 600 word reading test is a blunt instrument". Which is true - and also they have done NO reading with him whatsoever since Christmas! He used to get one-to-one reading at his own level with the TA while the class did phonics etc, but his new teacher (since Christmas) decided he needed to be included in it because his handwriting is poor

I am disgusted at the strength of my reaction I am sitting here in tears feeling as though I have been repeatedly punched in the stomach. I am trying to separate out the different strands of emotional turmoil and discard the ones which aren't relevant to ds1 NOW and HIS future. If anyone wants to help me that would be really helpful

1. The re is so much fear/hurt/general anxiety which has built up over the last year around ds1 - and I am on two separate drugs for anxiety and one for hypertension as it is, so I am probably not capable of being objective
   
   
2. we only heard last week that ds1 has Aspergers so it's all a bit raw
   
   
3. the new teacher is very old-school and doesn't particularly like either me or ds1
   
   
4. I do think I am right about his reading being far far above the level she's placed him at with her poxy fucking test - ds1 told me a few days ago that he is bored and misreads words on purpose
   
   
5. as well as the farce around his reading they are completely neglecting him in every other way - he is a lively and inquisitive child who really wants to learn and share ideas
   
   
6. I think my reaction to this is influenced by several things that have NOTHING to do with ds1 - when I was a child I had a crap home life and was bullied at school (went to 13 different schools because my mother is nomadic, that didn't help) and I clung to my status as "freakishly clever child" because it was the only positive bit of my identity
   
   
7. I am frustrated and worried about my own future and prospects at the moment - I think if I could tackle those issues, and re-locate my 'status anxiety' in my own life instead of in ds1's, that would be healthier all round
   
   
8. I am disappointed and taken aback by my own despicable feelings here - I loathe people who push and showcase their children academically, what the hell am I upset about here?
   
   I am now really really dreading this meeting this afternoon, I am going to end up either crying or losing my rag
   
   If anyone has actually managed to get to the end of this pile of piffle and would like to offer advice/boot up the jaxy, that would be good.

[Greensleeves]

.

[BBBee]

hi greeny

am going to read and answer - will post again soon.

bbee

[berolina]

greeny - am reading, as soon as wriggling babe allows.

Have emailed you. x

[Greensleeves]

thanks!

bero, will check email

[mangolassi]

Wow, there's a lot going on there... my dd is too young even for school so haven't had to deal with teachers yet. So my practical advice is limited.

I do think you have a very good handle on things, though, and I don't think your feelings are 'despicable' at all. (And hating your feelings is not going to help/ make them go away). Maybe one thing you can do is try not to be so hard on yourself while you're working stuff out.

[robinpud]

Poor you Greeny.
I think that what often happens when a first child starts school is that it forces parents to deal with a lot of memories and feeling that they have associated with their own schooling. Seperating those from ds's is hard and with a recent diagnosis of AS it must all be incredibly raw.
Wht do you want to achieve from the meeting?
How are you going to go about it?

Do you want them to identify ds as G&T? Perhaps it is unlikely so early in his school career. As he now he a diagnosis of AS he needs an IEP which clearly identifies his strengths and areas for development. They need to look at his learning styles and preferences and develop a programme that both nurtures his less successful areas and allows him to extend his strengths. Ask them what other assessment tools they are using other than a ridiculous word test.

In terms of a boot up the jaxxy; this isn't about you, it's about ds1 and I think you need to ensure that concentrate on his needs and make sure the school have no excuse for neglecting him in any way becuase you are perceived to be difficult; (which I KNOW you aren't!)

Take a deep breath; this woman only has to teach him for another 16 weeks and then you are free. Now you need to get her onboard so that the school support him to the absolute best of their ability and he gets the sdchooling you want for him and he deserves. Good luck.

[WriggleJiggle]

Can you take notes during the meeting. I find taking notes keeps me focused and unemotional, sort of more detatched and analytical. It sounds like the meeting will be difficult and with notes you'll also be able to be clear exactly what was said. I sense this will not be fixed by one meeting though.

Perhaps write a list of what you do want them to do about it?

Don't let the meeting finish until you have some clear targets set and agreed on, then you must follow it up with a letter confirming those targets.

[berolina]

Really briefly - yes, other issues do feed in, of course, but you are upset because the teacher is not doing justice to your ds1 - and you are becoming aware of what fights you might have on your hands for him over the years to come, so this seems like (in fact is, wtf is all this 'more words' business, and what does handqwriting at this stage have to do with reading ability?) the first one, iyswim? Of course you want him to be recognised for his abilities and have those abilities met - that IMO is neither 'pushing' nor 'showcasing'. You are not hothousing - you just don't want him to be out in the cold either.

Do you want to talk more (on- or off-board) about 7)? I think similar things are going on for me atm.

More soon. Smells are emerging from nappies

[WriggleJiggle]

Can you ask to see all the facts and figures they have on him. For his reading they should be testing the understanding rather than just decoding skills.

[TotalChaos]

it's not really the g & t stuff per se is it, more the teacher's attitude, which sounds very smug and unhelpful, from how you describe her I think given the recent diagnosis, anxiety about your DS is inevitable, so be kinder on yourself as you adjust rather than talking about boots and jacksies.

I wonder whether it would not be better to accept that current teacher is unsympathetic, but to tread water for the next term, and to focus with senco on how to make next school year better, and to see if you could chat with next year's teacher to find ways of working together etc etc etc.

[mazzystar]

ok, from the perhaps naive perspective of someone whose children are too small for school

1. your feelings are not despicable - its your absolute right and responsibility to want what is best for your boy

1. you've got a lot of stuff going on here, and perhaps you need to separate the issues a bit.

1. DS is not you and you are not your mother.

1. it sounds like the school hasn't got its collective head around your son's particular needs, and for him to be getting any reading seems particularly slack. is the senco likely to be a more sympathetic person, someone you can get on board and work with? do you know what you want out of this meeting? can you write it down first?

[BBBee]

there seems to be two things coming across in your questions, one is your emotional dealings with yourelf and ds and the other is the school and thier reaction. These two are linked (obv) but from what you have said I think you would like to seperate them out a bit.

Will go through questions:

1. The re is so much fear/hurt/general anxiety which has built up over the last year around ds1 - and I am on two separate drugs for anxiety and one for hypertension as it is, so I am probably not capable of being objective
   
   You are not expected to be objective to deal with this. You are his mother with a particular and very important perspective. You have done well to recognise your feelings of anxiety and show the ability to be self reflective. I know I might be sounding patronising but these qualities are very important in resilience and coping.
   
   
2. we only heard last week that ds1 has Aspergers so it's all a bit raw
   
   of course, and you should maybe vocalise this at the meeting - not in an emotional way but just at the start so they have some understanding and can maybe see what you are coping with.
   
   
3. the new teacher is very old-school and doesn't particularly like either me or ds1
   
   okay, this is her job, liking you and ds should not come into it and if it has that is unprofessional. I think that a lot of the things you have said about the teacher come from her lack of understanding of yours and ds's position. This needs to be addressed and she should be open to this. It is easy as a teaher to feel threatened and it may be this concern coming across as dislike. The questions should be addressed to the senco and the senco should be supporting the class teacher. If the senco does not have this expertise she needs to seek outside to the ed psych and maybe ask for an INSET on SEN for the whole school.
   
   
4. I do think I am right about his reading being far far above the level she's placed him at with her poxy fucking test - ds1 told me a few days ago that he is bored and misreads words on purpose
   
   tell her that you have concernes about him being inappropiately placed and given his unique circumstances how can you work together to motivate him in reading.
   
   
5. as well as the farce around his reading they are completely neglecting him in every other way - he is a lively and inquisitive child who really wants to learn and share ideas
   
   You need to ask them to readdress his IEP and write in some spectifc targets are strategies to help him and support him in his learning.
   
   
6. I think my reaction to this is influenced by several things that have NOTHING to do with ds1 - when I was a child I had a crap home life and was bullied at school (went to 13 different schools because my mother is nomadic, that didn't help) and I clung to my status as "freakishly clever child" because it was the only positive bit of my identity
   
   you are being reflective and that is good. This is not a negative point.
   
   
7. I am frustrated and worried about my own future and prospects at the moment - I think if I could tackle those issues, and re-locate my 'status anxiety' in my own life instead of in ds1's, that would be healthier all round
   
   thei is a whole problem for your whole family that is all wrapped up together. The meeting today adn teasing out of ds problems will have a positive knock on for you. One thing at a time.
   
   
8. I am disappointed and taken aback by my own despicable feelings here - I loathe people who push and showcase their children academically, what the hell am I upset about here?
   
   because you are having a fucking crap time and you are angry and confused and frustrated. this is all okay.
   
   Okay - am not going to reread incase I then decide I have been bossy and patronsising. Sorry if I have.
   
   Okay - post....

[soapbox]

Greeny

Would you find it useful ahead of this afternoon's meeting to think of 3 or 4 things that it is crucial to get addressed and concentrate on those so that you are able to stay focused and in control during the meeting - it might help avoid the 'and another thing, and another thing...' rambles that might lead to tears?

Also be assertive but say everything you say with a big smile - no matter how cutting the content is. Use phrases like 'I have listened to you give you views on DS for quite some time now and feel that your understanding of him as a child and of his possible DX are far from complete - how can you assure me that you will meet the educational needs of my child?' and 'I have listened carefully to your views now for almost a whole term (or how ever long it has been) and those views have been almost without exception negative. This disappoints me greatly. Moreover, how can you assure me, in light of this, that DS gets positive feedback from you on a regular basis?' or 'I feel very disappointed that DS's educational needs are not being met by you as his class teacher - how can you assure me that this situation will change?'.

Also make clear that you will escalate - beyond the school if necessary - and that you are keeping contemporaneous notes of your discussions with her and with the school in order to assist with this process.

Be unfailingly polite and try very very hard to keep to the point and stay in control. Make it clear that you are uninterested in what other children are achieving or not - you are here to talk about your DS and his education needs.

The issue of school reading levels and home reading levels being at odds has been covered many times on here - I think the perceived best solution is to leave school to do what they want, but top up with lots of free reading at home. In reception they spend a lot of time in play based learning, and so typically the amount of formal learning they do is pretty minimal, so the question of him being bored is really not a significant worry yet.

[Greensleeves]

Thank you SO much for this, I am now writing notes and trying to put my thoughts in order. None of it is remotely patronising or bossy!

I really want to go in there as a calm mature adult ready to address the issues properly and hold my own on ds1's behalf - NOT a scared defensive kid. [deep breaths]

[Greensleeves]

she was just so gleeful telling me about this other child who has "more words" than ds1, it was horrible the way she looked at me. Cow

soapy you are right about me needing to make quite powerful comments while maintaining a smile - I am bloody hopeless at confrontation, I just nod and capitulate - and I CAN'T carry on doing that, because ds1 needs me to grow some bollocks pronto

I am very glad I started this thread, at least I won;t be in tears when I actually turn up to the meeting, and I will have some notes and a list of points I want covered.

[ahundredtimes]

Yes, keep taking deep breaths. I largely agree with Soapy.

Write a list before the meeting - focusing on your ds's needs. Establish what they know and understand of AS. Ask the Senco about an IEP, what will be in it.

You need bullet points and numbering.

The reading level is a bit of a red herring in a way - it is just something to flag up as betrays how anxious you are, quite rightly.

Like Soapy says top up his reading at home - don't worry too much about school reading. I suspect that it will be important to establish that he understands everything he is reading - probably just the fiction, and simpler books are a good tool for 'greying' up what might be a very black and white vision of the world. Why did Kipper's mother say that? etc.

[ahundredtimes]

You know it needn't be a confrontation.

You have a dx. You are not going in and fighting without one. Keep referring to it.

[berolina]

You know most about ds1. In that sense you are the most senior person in the room. Remember that when you start feeling intimidated and defensive. Remain supremely calm an focus entirely on ds1's needs and getting these people to work with you to fulfil that.

The 'more words' thing seems to me to be irrelevant and in fact rather unprofessional, and I think you can be justified in making that point (maybe not quite so bluntly ).

[ahundredtimes]

You WILL need to keep taking deep breaths, because I'm sure she will want to discuss 'behaviour' in the class room. And that is always a dodgy one to negotiate through and to keep smiling.

[TigerFeet]

Wot BBBeee said

Have you met the SENCO before? Is he/she likely to be more professional/objective/open to discussion? Perhaps you should focus your discussions with him/her rather than the crappy teacher.

Try not to worry about how you will come across (easier said than done I know). If it were me I would be a blubbering wreck. I often am a blubbering wreck in these types of situations and I have learned to just run with it. Any reasonable teacher/Senco would understand your feelings and allow for them.

Writing notes both before and during is a great idea - you won't forget anything then.

Best of luck

[BBBee]

from what I have seen you are far from hopeleess at confrontation - you have just recognised how important this is and you want to get it right.

shall we post some stock phrases?

what soapy did seemed particularly ehlpful.

[VictorianSqualor]

Oh Greeny, I feel for you, I'm the kind of person that goes into meetings all ready to kick some butt and then cries so I know how important it will be to keep that side of things together.

It seems to me you've got some really good advice here, one thing I would have to say though is if she mentions this other child again tell her you don't want to hear it, something along the lines of 'With all due respect we aren't discussing this other child, their progress is between you and their parents, not you and I and has no real bearing on DS's education whatsoever so I'd prefer it if we could keep this conversation on the right track rather than comapring him to other pupils'

Good Luck.

[taipo]

Great comment VS.

I feel for you too Greeny, especially as I can forsee similar problems for ds when he starts school next year.

Agree with all the others about keeping calm. You need to get the senco (hopefully he/she is more professional) on your side from the start which you won't achieve by getting aggressive or tearful. Let the teacher do more of the talking to start with. It sounds as though she may well say something really stupid (like the G&T comment) and thereby showing up her lack of professionalism in front of the senco.

Good luck.

[SmugColditz]

Greensleeves.

he does not need to be the cleverest child in the class.

It doesn't matter if she hasn't tested him properly, as the chances are they wouldn't have done anything more interesting with him if he had turned out to be the 'cleverest' according to their test. Carry on reading with him at home - academics, I feel, are never going to be the hardest part of school for your lovely child, as they won't with my lovely child. let him focus on other children, and try to bring his focus round to his peer group. He needs friends more than he needs to be clever, and that is true throughout life.

[Iris100]

I can understand why you are upset about the reading issue. It is something your ds is excelling at and but this is not being recognised - they are very very negative about him. So another question to ask would be how they are recognising and celebrating his real strengths, and boosting his self esteem at school, given that so much of the focus seems to be on the areas he finds difficult?