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Anyone have experience of this?

3 replies

Partyring · 26/04/2014 22:00

Hi,
This isn't exactly a fostering issue, but I thought at foster parents work with ss alot they would probably know a lot more than anyone on other topics so I hope it's ok to post this here.

Dp has a son from a previous relationship (well he's 99% sure he is his) who is 3. His ex has refused contact for over a year (because he won't get back with her) and was sporadic with it (and it was parcel to specific, difficult to stick to conditions) before that. I haven't mentioned this on any other threads, and always say dp has 3 dsds as we thought it was likely that he would not get him back in his life (there were safety concerns around a legal battle for contact or custody as her family is very violent and threatening). I'm going to try and not put too much info on here so as not to out myself.
He heard from a friend last night, who knows her mum quite well that ss are looking at removing the child from her quite soon. We have just had dsds case closed- after she was removed from her mother and placed with us (doesn't dp have lovely taste in women -.-) so we have a positive reputation with them I guess and dp is going to ring the social worker we had on Monday to see if there is anything we can do, but I wondered if anyone knew any information that might help us.

Our problem is that she refused to put him on the birth certificate, so he has no legal connection or right to the child. We do have CSA letters though- would these be enough? I'm worried that ss will not even be allowed to discuss the case with him without him legally being related to the child. I don't know if she would confirm he is the father if asked (which presumably would solve the problem) but she did tell CSA he is... we would also prefer that if he did come to live with us, she didn't know he was with us, due to the violent nature of her family, would this be possible? If they decided contact with her was appropriate then we would be fine with that as long as it was facilitated, which would prevent her knowing who it was caring for him. If she did have to know it was us then we'd cross that bridge when we came to it but it would be essential that she was not told where we live. But could this work with a residency order? With DSD her mum came to the court etc.

We would also like the possibility of me adopting him eventually if this became appropriate (I'm assuming that if he was put into care then he would eventually be adopted as he is only 3).

We also currently live in a 2 bedroom flat, though as I am pregnant we are thinking of moving to our friends house (who are moving out soon) who have 2 bedrooms but have an extra box room attached to the master bedroom. I am pregnant so our initial plan was for that to be for the baby when they are about 1- but it would be ideal for him to sleep in while we put ourselves on the housing list and waited for a 3 bed. Would they be happy with this- if things were urgent it might be that we had to move after he came to us, would they be happy with us putting him up with dsd (she's over 10) or in with us while we waited for the place to become available?

Also does anyone know anything about potential grants or other financial help we could get if he came to us? We didn't get any help (except help with a deposit) with dsd, but we are now in a different financial situation and are struggling a bit and having to claim some benefits, so may be eligible for things we weren't before. I don't know how we'd afford to buy for our baby, and to get all new things for him too- as even if she knew he was coming to us, not a foster family I doubt she'd send him with things- she'd probably be less likely to!

Sorry it's such a long post, thanks in advance for any advice!

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MerryInthechelseahotel · 28/04/2014 21:40

I've been told it is a parent's right to know where their child is staying so the parents of most of the children I have fostered have had my address. The one time it was deemed inappropriate for them to have my address a mistake was made very quickly by social work and the parents unfortunately had my full address and post code almost from day one.

I can't really help you with anything else except of course the child being three would be able to say who he was staying with when he met his mum at contact, and also the person caring for the child would normally be expected to meet with the mother at contact to tell her how the child has been.

Good luck

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Partyring · 29/04/2014 19:46

Thank you for your reply.

Are there not things in place for when one family member feels threatened by the childs other family? (she has called us up making threats on my life in the past, she's never met me, and I didn't meet dp until a few months after they broke up, and didn't get together for a few more months, so just because I'm with him, but she's never known my real name and hasn't known where I am) Due to things that have happened within the mums family we would be worried about him being kidnapped or even dsd or my baby being kidnapped in 'revenge' or even the house being set fire to.
We're not being irrational, for dp to be worried there must be a real chance of a threat as he's normally all arrogant about being a hard man :p And we quite happily facilitate contact with dsd's mum and do so unless there is an unrelated reason why contact can't happen that week- so it's not an excuse not to bother with it.

Any way ss got back to us and have said that they haven't got him on their case load, but there's a chance she has moved authorities as she wouldn't tell us if she had ... and if she's heard that we've moved to the locality next door (dsd was being seen by the locality we thought she was in as she lived there with her mum and we live just over the border) then it's possible that she's decided to move over too... so we're going to ring them tomorrow.

Is it bad that I have a slight feeling of disappointment- I was a bit worried about the prospect of suddenly having a toddler at the same time as having a new baby but I was also looking forward to it and was hoping dp would finally get the chance to see his son again and be a big part of his life. On the other hand if he isn't being seen by ss then I'm glad he isn't being neglected or abused or anything like that.

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NanaNina · 02/05/2014 22:29

I can't help thinking you are jumping the gun a bit here. It seems that what your friend told you turns out not to be the case. I'm not sure why your DP did not insist that he was named on the birth certificate, but that doesn't really matter because there are various ways he can get Parental Responsibility (PR) you could google it to find out.

Your DP does sound like he has let the ex P "call the tune" and has not had contact with his son for over a year, so he will be more or less a stranger to the child won't he. IF a child is removed from the parents and there is no prospect of reunification, then the LA have a duty to find out if there is any member of the child's extended family who could care for him. Obviously they would welcome the child's birthfather coming forward, but it isn't a foregone conclusion that they would place the child with you and your DP - they would have to assess you to see if it would be in the child's best interests.

To be honest I think your suggestion that the child's mother would not have to be told who is caring for him (if I have got that right) is just not feasible. Of course she would need to know who was caring for him, though not necessarily your address. The most usual way for relatives of a child to care for him on a permanent basis is by way of a Special Guardianship Order, though it could be that they would want you and your DP to apply for a Residence Order in the family courts. There is no legal aid available for these private law cases, so unless you could afford a lawyer you would have to represent yourselves, and the ex P would I'm sure contest the case.

The other thing is that this little boy really needs to be the youngest child in the family so that he doesn't have to compete with a younger child and given that you are pregnant and have 2 or 3(?) other children, this 3 year old would not be the youngest. It isn't an absolute that he should be the youngest, but you and your DP do need to demonstrate that you would be able to meet the needs of all of your children.

I think you need to slow down and take things a step at a time. It may be that he is not being removed from the mother. What has your DP done to try to maintain contact with his son? He could for example go to court to request that a Contact Order is made, and if this is granted the Judge will usually define how much contact the non resident parent should have.

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