Ex husband & New wife to become foster parents

[bevy2603]

Hi, my ex husband and his wife of 6 years are going through the foster process. I have 3 sons with my ex husband aged 21, 19 & 17 - my ex husband has informed my 3 sons that the Foster people want to interview them and ask them questions about their father and his wife etc. My ex husband has jokingly intimated that they should say favourable things about him and his wife. The problem they have with this is the old cliche - the boys do not have anything to do with their father's new wife - they never speak or see her. She has behaved badly towards them acting very jealous of them and in turn my sons have been very rude to her and blanked her due to her behaviour towards them. Their father has told them that they will get to see the report and see the comments they make! This causes them concern - is this true will any interviews that the boys do not be treated confidentially. At the end of the day the boys are concerned that they rarely see their father and that he will have even less time for them and that they may say the wrong things (the truth!!) I should also mention that he already has 3 step children with his new wife (3 children from her 3 last relationships). Also out of interest is their any financial gain with fostering? thanks in advance for any information.

[queststarz]

Hi
I'm not sure about social worker speaking to your sons, but my references from a friend, boss and my mum were all confidential when i was approved earlier this year, i have no idea what they said (other than what they remembered and told me). i would assume it would all be confidential and so your boys should be honest.

Fostering can have a financial reward if you go with an agency - they can pay between £300 - £400 per week for a child, but if its with local authority its normally an allowance to cover food/heating/clothes/pocket money etc which varies from about £100 - £160 per week depending on the age of a child.

Its a very thorough and in depth process and they need to get an honest view of how a family will cope with fostering and the dynamics.

Hope that helps (this is just what i know btw, someone else may tell u differently about money etc)

[LaurieFairyCake]

Yes, they can see the report but they should still be honest. If they already have 3 at home and a poor relationship with your sons then it's unlikely they will get approved.

There is no money in it if you foster for a local authority. I am unable to work more than very part time because of the restrictions by having to be here before and after school.

You could also be interviewed, they certainly tried to track down my ex husband before I was approved.

[LaurieFairyCake]

And they can definitely ask for their report to be treated confidentially but he could still wonder if it had something to do with it if the application doesn't progress.

[bevy2603]

Thank you for your comments, I have told them to be honest just tell the truth - tbh their Dad was a good hands on Dad when we were together but things changed once he met his new wife and her children - he moved away - and it was difficult to get any financial help from him - I had to go through CSA and his employer to receive the bare minimum which took a couple of years to sort out!

[TulipsfromAmsterdam]

We were recently approved as foster carers, we did see the report but not the references. All of my children were interviewed so I would expect yours should be too.
My ex husband would have received a letter asking for a reference but I still don't know if he returned it or what was said.
I am sure they will contact you as they need to be aware of issues such as domestic abuse etc. Also your boys should talk honestly about the relationship they have with their dads wife. It is important you all tell the truth and the SW will use the information in deciding whether to recommend them as foster carers.

[bonnieslilsister]

Yes, my friend wrote a reference, and spoke to my ssw, and she was appalled I saw the reference, even though she hadn't said anything bad about me, she was appalled she hadn't been told that I would read it.

[NanaNina]

I have a feeling that LAs have different policies about this issue of references. There is no easy answer to this one. If you assure referees that what they say is confidential, that leaves the sw in a very difficult position if they say something negative that needs to be taken up with the applicants. On the other hand, if you say it isn't confidential, then they are likely to hold back on making any negative comments. I know when I was working for an LA we changed our policies and I since I have been retired for 8 years, I honestly can't remember what we ended up doing.

However we definitely did interview ex partners and any children or adult of one of the applicants, in this case the father. I would be very surprised if comments made by yourself and the boys would be contained in the main body of the report and this is shared with the applicants before going to the Fostering Panel. I think references are kept separate, but am really not sure how this is handled - as I say I suspect LAs have different policies. However as others have said, I think you and the boys need to tell the truth, which I assume will contain both positive and negative comments.

LFK I am not sure what you mean when you say "yes they can see the report" - do you mean the entire Form F report, because I realy don't think that is the case. The report is for the Fostering Panel and it is shared with the applicants, but they are not usually given a copy of it to keep.

You also say there "is no money in it if you foster for a LA" which isn't the case (even though it will be less than an IFA) but all LA carers will get an age appropriate fostering allowance and a reward element for the task of caring for the child/ren. I understand that you can only work very part time because of the fostering, but you obviously need to be there to get the chldren off to school and be back when they return.

[BusterTheDonk]

we weren't allowed to see the written references made about us... nothing was raised with us so presumed good ...

I agree with Nana Nina in that we didn't 'see' the whole report - just the SW's comments, our 'life history report' and recommendation - we had to sign it before panel and had a chance to correct or add anything to it....

I think before you make your references (and they will probably come out and see you all) you need to ask about their policy...

[LaurieFairyCake]

No, I meant the references, we saw them - I'm only talking from my own experience.

And with regards to the money again I'm only talking from my own experience - the LA pay an allowance to care for the child (currently about £120 a week) plus £600 a month as the foster carer 'fee' - you'd have to be on a very low wage for the OP's ex to think that was a lot of money or for that to be the reason to go into fostering.

And I disagree that it's 'obvious' you have to be there when they come back from school (on polls on Mumsnet people think its crazy I can't let 14/15 year old foster children have a key and let themselves in after school) - it used to be when we started fostering as the 'fee' was so low they were much more amenable for foster carers to work full-time. SS have become much more reluctant to 'allow' this as it is a 'risk'. They have got more strict over the last 7 years, presumably since you left.

[nickseasterchick]

Lfc,I think you have a very regimented and 'utopian' approach to fostering (not a criticism) my son up until recently was in a relationship with a girl in foster care and I was really shocked at the way they carefor her,she is basically allowed to do her own thing and this includes staying out late,smoking with the foster parents,
tattoos and body piercings,sex!! ( the carers by ss admission are good ones and they cannot refuse her the basic rights ?????)and they do receive quite hefty amounts to care for her and at least 3 others having a huge home,large mini busb and holiday home at the seaside!

[LaurieFairyCake]

eh? - I don't understand at all - are you saying that I let the children I foster stay out late/have sex/piercings/do her own thing? -

We don't do any of that

I'm guessing the people you're talking about have children with additional needs, hence the hefty amounts to care for her? Or because they have so many?

I'm being completely upfront about the costs as the OP is hinting that her ex is only going into it for the money - I'm simply saying that unless you were on a really low wage it wouldn't be worth it.

[bonnieslilsister]

I suppose if you have at least 3 others you deserve a huge home,large mini busb and holiday home at the seaside! if you are doing the job properly. I don't think anyone knows unless you are doing it how the job is exhausting and draining at times albeit rewarding and satisfying.

As for the teenager who is staying out late,smoking with the foster parents,
tattoos and body piercings,sex!! if the foster carers and sw think she is ready for all this then who is anyone else to comment. You have just described a big percentage of teenage girls and presumably she is over 16 otherwise they wouldn't allow this being illegal. Children in foster care feel different enough and don't need other people frowning on them for doing what many other people their age do.

[nickseasterchick]

Lfc,
Actually quite the opposite,i was inferring that you are doing a great job the way id expected foster parents would act,i think probably as with all things in life there are standards some like you do it properly others who flout the law...
I am intrigued to knw how you manage to get your foster dd to adhere to the rules though.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Phew

I'm quite sure there are piss-takers doing this though, in it for the money - sadly there's such a shortage of carers SS may not be as discriminating as they could be.

[LaurieFairyCake]

We get her to adhere to the rules by owning them and negotiating. A lot of carrot too, very little stick.

[bonnieslilsister]

I like your approach Laurie

[Viviennemary]

I agree. If they don't feel comfortable answering questions then I would think it would be within their rights not to be interviewed at all.. Then there can be no comeback of why did you say that.

[bonnieslilsister]

I re read the op's first message and think her ex and his wife don't actually sound very nice. Hope they are ok if they do become foster carers.

[NanaNina]

Yes I agree BLS (waving) - they don't sound very nice but we've only heard one description so shouldn't jump to conclusions. It's interesting what posters are saying about the right of adult offspring to refuse to be interviewed. I suppose they must have that right. The thing is each time something awful happens (like a child being murdered by a foster carer) and sadly it does happen, though very rarely. There is a Serious Case REview and whatever wasn't covered in the assessment, has to be addressed in all other assessments.

The issue of interviewing previous partner came out of a SCR some years ago in the Brighton & Hove area where the foster carer killed the 4 year old, and his previous partner said if she had been asked, she could have told whoever about his terrible temper and tendency to violence.

The thing about adult children came out of another SCR of a couple in the West Midlands (the child was badly injured by the male foster carer) but thankfully made a full recovery and again the couple's adult children cam forward and wanted to know why no one had asked them about their father, as he had physically abused them both as children and into their teens and both left home asap. Of course the assessor got a very different account from the couple when they were being assessed as foster carers. We only interviewed referees then and of course they didn't give their 2 adult sons as referees.

And so it goes on............but it still doesn't eliminate risk. Nothing does.

[bonnieslilsister]

Hello NN > waving<

I understand fully why they should be questioned and wondered what ss would think if the children of prospective fc's refused to be interviewed. Would they read something into that? My children would probably prefer to not answer any questions about their Dad if (God forbid ) he was considering fostering as he has been a lousy Dad but would be nasty to them if they thwarted what he was attempting.

[Ineedadollar]

Not all fostering allowances include a fee/reward element. But in answer to the OP, exes are not usually complementary about exes. IME a bad reference from an ex is often overlooked if all others are very good.

[herogirl]

I have been a foster carer in London but have moved to another part of the country where I have been speaking to other agencies. My ex and I split up 20 years ago yet some agencies wanted to interview him. He could not be trusted to be truthful or balanced for various reasons and I found those agencies to be intransigent and lacking in common sense. The cases cited could have been avoided by other means. Of course adult children can refuse to be interviewed and likely this will result in them being turned down unless someone else can speak to what they might have spoken to. There has to be a balance between gross invasion of privacy and protection of children and I have not seen social services understand and apply a balance, merely follow in house (not statutory) rules. My time as a carer left me loving the children but despairing about the lack of ability and commitment in social services. A root and branch review is long overdue!

[herogirl]

ps, see the Scottish case where this year, a carer was murdered by a child! It is long overdue for Social Services to put the same effort into protecting carers. My experience has been outdated reports, failure to give full information about the child, desperation to place the child, mild bullying to take placements etc. I know I am not alone in this as I have spoken to other carers.

[Ambs123]

They did that to my mum (the ex husband thing) when she tried fostering with my step dad. My step dad is a registered foster carer but my mum was trying to get approved 2 years ago. She soon gave up after me and my brother were interviewed because they wanted to speak to my dad (her ex husband) and he doesn't want my mum to be happy at all so he would probably say terrible and nasty things about her and my step dad. The social worker said that they had contact my dad which I still don't understand why as what she does is nothing to do with him so if someone could tell me why that would be fantastic. I don't know if it's anything to do with the reason as to why they divorced because if it was because of her doing something bad then I would understand why but it wasn't that at all.
I see other people have had this problem too