so low i could die

[tazzycat25]

hi all, new here. i had my second son on the 20th june now im diagnosed with pnd for the second time. my oldest son is now 2 his birthday was on the 12th june so not much of a gap there. im crying when my oldest son screams, he has tantrums big time, im getting scared of him, he was my one and only now i feel like ive stuffed up, letting him down he wont get all the attention he once had. ive not been out since i registered my new born, getting scared to go out really. im under a mental health team now but they was no good last time round. im loseing a battle now. im a self harmer and also suffered with anorexia. the birth was very quick got to the hospital at 9 pm by 10 20 pm he was born then i had to go to thearter to have my placenta re moved as it diidnt come out. lost a lod of blood my hb was only 7 now around 9. im feeling really bad, ive left my hubby to stay with my parents for a while but its so hectic here im loseing it. most of the time i feel i should just die and leave everyone cus its best all round if i did.

[MascaraOHara]

Sorry I've no experience but hopefully someone will come along soon.. There are lots of people here who have suffered PND.

so BUMP!

and welcome to MN

[sansouci]

oh no, no self-harm, no dying! you're not alone, trust me. Are you on meds?

[PeachyClair]

Never had pnd, but have worked a little with some poeple who did, and Dh suffers very severe bouts of depression.

Do you really want to die? If so, then you need to get help fast for the sake of your little ones- call (or get someone to call) the mental health team. Dh says he wants to die (or did, he is in remission now ) when he felt so bad he just couldn't possibly express it any way else. If that is how you feel, I feel so sorry for you, it must be awful.

You need to give yourself a break: as well as the trauma of all the problems you had at birth, you must be exhausted from having two so close together (I have 13 months between ds1 and 2, it's exhausting at times, but in the long run works out great for them- mine are like twins- give it a few months and your eldest will have devoted sibling worship from the baby which will make him feel like a king, not neglected!).


when you are ready, see if you can get a Home Start befriender in your area, (they don't cover everywhere unfortunately but the volunteers are trained to befriend peopel with lots of life stories, including pnd.

I also found you this website which has a helpline. I hope you feel able to call them.

let us know how you get on. X

[PeachyClair]

www.apni.org/

Sorry. the website address would be handy!

[sansouci]

well said, peachyclair.

please, please get help tazzycat25!

[SPARKLER1]

I'm crap at dishing out advice and not much better at carrying out the advice I give myself. Just want to say that I know where you are coming from. PND is horrid. But you are loved, your are needed. Your boys need their mummy.
Don't know what's happened with you and your dh but it must be hard being back home with your parents after getting your independance.
Sounds to me like you need some time out for yourself. Do you have any good friends near you to out for an evening? Get a babysitter and go and have a good time. You deserve it! xxx

[jamboure]

Hi tazzy

I believe you aint alone in this one hun but unfortunatly dont have much advice.

I suffered pnd after the birth of my boys too but NOT as extreme as yours sorry!!!!!!


I do feel for you but please talk to thoses around you soon and dont deal with this alone.

We can be here on mn for you too to talk to so dont feel alone

[mumbee]

tazzcat25
do not goive up I had delayed pnd after the firth of my second child. the best thing that happen was Home Start they gave me the support and help I needed to cope my two child are now 5yrs 11 months and 4yrs 6 months 17 months between them is tough but now they are a a lot easier. If no HS then try your local church they usually run parents and toddlers group which will give you an opportuity to take to some one there to access support that you need.
It will be easier as they get older look for time for your self though is the best thing you can do even if it is only for a bath with candles and a locked door.

[PeachyClair]

mumbee

Glad HStart helped, used to be an organiser for them so it's always nice to hear it!

[jenk1]

oh i really understand what u r going thru, im going thru it as well, my baby ds is 15months and it is only in the last week i have started leaving her and getting out,please dont suffer in silence-get help, talk to you hv or even the samaritans if u r feeling really low,failing that u can walk into any hospital casualty and ask to speak to the psychologist because u r feeling so low u r thinking of suicide,please please get help-think of your lovely children,how they would cope without u, thats the only thing that has kept me going
hugs

[PeachyClair]

How are you feeling?

[tazzycat25]

hi all, thatnks for all ur advise. things havent changed at all. still crying most of the time. keep thinking now that hubby is seeing someone else so we are having a bit of trouble now over it etc. i have self harmed over and over this week. my son has driven me mad with his tantrums and still i dont feel anything for my second son. still feel like dying as it be better off.

hope u all are well ill be back soon with any luck
take care all

[Bumbled]

Oh Tazzy, I'm feeling really tearful reading what you've written. My 2nd son is 6.5 months now but the first 4 months I was convinced that they'd be better off without me. Spent all day crying and dragging myself round the house, and reading your post brings back such strong memories. All I can say is that it DOES get better. It's different for everyone, and no one can predict when, but try just to get through the days. Don't worry about the future or how you are going to cope, try to focus on the here and now and tiny things that are good each day.

I personally borrowed money and spent it on a month of someone coming twice a week for 3 hours in the morning just to get out of the house and walk somewhere without pushing a buggy. Is there anything that you can imagine that you would like to do? Anything that might lift your mood?? If so, take all steps to do it, whatever it is or however little you might think you can.

It might not be a sudden lifesaver, but little by little things might improve. Did you have anything help the first time?

Also (sorry to go on, but I'm desperate to say anything that you might find useful) my first son was horrific when ds2 was born and is now an angel. He was screaming all day and had to be manhandled where ever I wanted to get him. It was SUCH hard work physically, I know how crap it feels. You can't believe you're not doing something wrong to cause it. It does get better, and the hero worship thing is so true and so lovely to see. Please hang in there, I can guarentee you will have moments that make you so pleased you did. I wish I could come and give you a hand!

Big hugs, I so hope things get better for you xxx

[ETsmum]

Tazzy.....just wanted to say it WILL get better eventually, although I know you won't really believe me at the mo. Have 1 ds who's nearly 2, and for the 1st year I felt hardly anything for him except anger and resentment. Spent a lot of time crying and thinking about suicide.....I know it's absolutely horrible and I really feel for you.

You said your under a mental health team.......are you on ad's or getting counselling? Are your parents or other family/friends able to help out a bit to give you a break? Have you spoken to anyone at APNI? (the association for Post Natal Illness) I found that they helped where my GP couldn't - let me know if you want more info.

Please keep posting if you want to - just to let us know how it's going. I know your probs can't be cured overnight (really wish they could be for you) but it WILL get better.

Will check back later to see how you are feeling today.

[Helpisathand]

Tazzy, I hope you are feeling better. I know what it's like to feel like this. Have been there myself. Suffered from depression for years.

I do think you should get some help asap especially if you are feeling so suicidal. Go to your local GP and tell them exactly what you've told us. Depression is so common and there is so much out there to help you - psychotherapy, groups, alternative therapy and medication.

In the short term, I would suggest getting out of the house. Leave the kids with your parents and go do something you really enjoy.

As for suspicions about your dh, I am sorry that you are going through that but don't take too much on board emotionally. I would suggest putting yourself and your health first, and when you are strong enough deal with what is happening with your husband.

Continue to keep this thread updated because there are a lot of people on here that care and will listen.

[Caththerese1973]

Oh tazzycat (are you in tasmania? I am in Perth WA) I am so sorry for you. Things sound really rough. I admire women so much who have babies close together - two year olds can be hell! I have one 2 y/o dd myself. You have not 'stuffed up' by having another babe. Your ds will be fine.
I have not read the whole thread but I must ask: are you on anti-ds? Don't be scared of them. They really do make a difference if you stick wuth them (you need to take the modern anti-ds for about two months before you see improvement). If you are breastfeeding don't be anxious about the medication. I b/fed my dd on Lovan from birth. She was fine. If you feel anxious enough to self-harm you may need anti-anxiety meds as well Unfortunately I don't think you can b/feed on Valium-type drugs - but check with you mental health team - there may be meds for your anxiety that are compatible with b/feeding. That is if you ARE b/feeding! Indeed, in your position it might be better if baby has a bottle, at least sometimes, so someone else can do the feeding while you rest.
One question: are you getting enough sleep? I am sure that sleeplessness aggravated my emotional upsets significantly. I was not depressed initially (as I was at high risk for PND, I was on anti-ds from the word go). But as the months went on I felt like I was going mad because dd woke up every two hours for eight months!
Don't berate yourself for not being able to feel anything for your child. You are loving your child just by being there and looking after its needs. At such a young age, I doubt baby will be distressed if you find it difficult to raise a smile! As for the 2 y/o....my mother was SEVERELY depressed, very grumpy and in chronic pain when I was 2-3 and I'm okay! And we have a lovely relationship now, and always have done. A mother can't be expected to act like Suzy bloody Creamcheese every day of her life. These are the hardest years. Your relationship with the kids can only get better as time goes on.
It's awful that you are having relationship difficulties at this time. If your parents are supportive (it sounds like they are) take advantage of their help wherever possible and don't feel bad about not being able to manage everything perfectly all on your lonesome. Society demands just too much from mothers, and I think this accounts for a lot of PND. An extended family support network is a blessing for a depressed mother.
Good luck to you. Just let those bad feelings wash over you, if you know what I mean.

[ETsmum]

Tazzycat. Just to say hi again and I'm thinking of you? If you have a mo, let us know how you're doing?

[tazzycat25]

hi all. nothings still not changed. i done something so bad at the weekend, my 2yr old was screaming non stop cus he was over tired and i tried to get him to sleep and he wouldnt, so every time he got up i put him down again over and over but his screams got the better of me and i ran out the house, leaving him screaming and baby crying my hubby got confused and stayed with the screamer. i didint want to go back, i was crying badly and really hating myself for wot i did to my son. i know next time i cud really hurt him i just dont know wot i can do.
im in theuk, london. im a terrible mother and such a fuck up in everything i do. keep telling hubby to find a better mother for the kids and a better wife as im no good at all. im so close to suicide now im hiding it from everyone i know even the mental health team cus i know they will stop me.

[ETsmum]

Tazzycat: Just to say I saw your message and am thinking of you.....and sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the mo. I will try to post more later but I DO know how you feel, and I know it's horrid

[ETsmum]

Tazzy....not too sure what to say as you've had some pretty good suggestions already reading through this thread.

Would you consider the Samaritains or the Association for Post Natal Illness? (Prev suggestions I know!) Just someone to talk to who can listen was a life saver for me. I know what you mean re hiding your feelings.....when I had PND I spent lots of time contemplating suicide, but it's only my husband who knows really.

Please believe that you are NOT a terrible mother, you're ill, but to get better you need to get help. Does your dh know how you feel? Could he approach your GP or someone and explain just how bad things really are?

You probably did the most sensible thing by geting away from 2 crying children if you are feeling this bad......I know I found 1 bad enough and as a baby my ds has been left to cry simply coz I couldn't cope with it

Please, please, please get help/talk to someone abiut how awful you are feeling. I never thought I'd feel better from PND but 2 years later I do. It won't happen overnight, but if you get help, things WILL get better.

[ETsmum]

Tazzy - just a thought....if you want to CAT me (contact another user, at the top of the page) feel free. I tried to contact you, but you have this option turned off so I can't.

[tazzycat25]

ive done the samaritans etc but nothings helping so far. im not sleep and deffo not eating, seems i dont have the time, steven up for feeds in the night and when its my dinner time hes up again. im now at my mums for a while cus hubby and i are now having problems, but its me not him, like im not skinny enough, im a turn off and he would be better off with a new wife and mum for the kids, so hes going out with his mates who i aint got any, to find a new wife, cus they all be better off. im feeling quite weak now as i think my iron level has gone down again cus of not eating right and forgetting the iron pills and the pill for that mater so ill give up the pill as hubby cant stand me no more in that way. my contact a member is now on if anyone wants to chat to me but hey i wont blame u if u dont as im a nutter have been for years if u want to know why ill tell u if u contact me, then i wont hear from anyone again cus they soon get pissed off with my past shitty life ive got.

[colditz]

tazzycat

go to A&E

You need help now.

Pnd is a physical illness, like flu or chicken pox.

You need treatment now.

Please go to A&E, phone your hubby and tell him he has to come home.

When you get to the hospital, tell them you feel suicidal. Tell them you are scared to leave the hospital because of how you feel.

SS will not take your babies away if your husband is able to look after them while you are ill, and he sounds capable to me.

You are ill, not weak, not stupid, and not a crap mum. You are just ill, and you need treatment now

XXX

[Nbg]

Hi Tazzycat. I'm really sorry your going through this. It is such an awful time and like others have said, your not alone.

Does your husband understand what your going through, that you have PND? Would it be possible for someone from the MHT to come round and sit down with you and your dh to talk through your problems. It might be he doesn't fully understand what your going through and feels frustrated that he can't help?


Is anyone helping you with your children? I know you said you were staying with your parents but are they helping you out? If not, is there anyone else to help you out so you can get some rest and a bit of time for you?

[Nbg]

I'm going to have to go now Tazzycat but if you are feeling this bad call someone.

The last thing you need is to be on your own.
x