Long story really. Conceived boxing day 2007. Confirmed pregnant mid Jan 08. Second baby, first was born in Dec 03 and has high functioning autism. Pregnancy went fine, no issues really until the last few weeks with some high blood pressures (160/105).

House move July 08 to get into school catchment. Husband informed of redundancy August 08, to kick in on the same friday the baby was due (19 Sept). Grandmother diagnosed with bladder cancer in August. Mother diagnosed with thyroid cancer the same week.

Baby born by planned caesarean at 41 weeks after making no progress towards dilation, just like the first baby. Medications I took in pregnancy for my whiplash associated problems caused a paediatrician SHO in hospital to inform me i had to quit nursing baby. I did no such thing, but the emotional upset was powerful.

With that upset in hospital, my confidence stipped away and i became a nervous wreck, watching my baby constantly for the apnoea, the low blood pressure, the fits, etc, that the SHO told me my medications would cause (but he was full of shit, frankly, and Hales Medications & Mothers' Milk 2006 proved him wrong)...

Slippery slope, and i slipped. 3 weeks at home from retained placenta and subsequent infection and antibiotics, with nasty and resentful MIL doing the school run and interfering in my life/marriage/daughter's education. The stress became nearly unbearable so i forced myself to get back on my feet regardless of how much i bled.

Currently: i'm a neurotic mess. I put on a good front for people when i'm out, but I spend almost every day checking my baby for bruises from my fingertips when i hold her, looking at odd things in her eyes and her hair and making sure her head is symmetrical and feeling like a shit mom to both my girls and feeling VERY guilty for any anger i feel towards the baby for waking me up in the night, and feeling so desperately tired... my most often uttered phrase is 'i can't do this any more...'

I want my old life back. That sounds awful but before the baby came along, i felt fine, i was in control, i was capable of looking after my eldest and outgoing and had friends and volunteered at a playgroup and all sorts. Now, i force myself to even call my mom, i dont watch tv or anything much any more, and i spend most of my time feeling like / thinking i will be accused of child abuse at the 8 week development check next week, and my children taken away from me.

Is this PND? How severe is it? Is there hope? Thanks.

Hi there Leonie

I'm sorry you have been having such a bad time. It does sound like to me that you are suffering from PND. I did after DS2 and the best thing I ever did was let my HV know. She was wonderful, and after telling her I felt so much better. She offered some pratical solutions, such as talking to friends and sorting out some childcare for DS1. But most and foremost the talking. I would have got so much worse.

i really didnt bond with DS2 for a few months and it worried me so much. I think some people find the leap with 2 loads to deal with, let alone all the other things you have got going on.

I have to go out now there is more I wanted to say but now I am happy, so I would urge you to go and talk to someone as soon as you feel able.
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They WON'T accuse you of child absue, and most certainly wont take your children away. But are there to help. so let them know you need it