This is probably going to sound strange and I'm not sure I can put it into words.
Have had a pretty stressfull 2 yrs which are improved but far from back to normal. I am on AD's which I would say have got me back to as close to my normal self as I could hope for.
But there is quite a huge chunk of me that feels like it will never be the same again, however I move on with life.
Much of what I have been through has put me under enormous pressure and forced me to take on roles I have been uncomfortable with, and some of it is beyond my control.
I do and say things like the old me and have the same values but if I see pictures of myself it is as if I am looking at a different person.
I like some of what I have become but also think there may well be a part of me that never completely recovers. I bury that part as deeply as possible and get on with life but it is there and I now think it is a part of me that won't change back. It is a little scary and sometimes that part of me feels like it doesn't truly fit into the life that the old me created.
I can be laughing with someone and truly enjoying the moment, but deep inside the other part is guarded and I have let no-one in RL know how I feel and doubt that I will.
I don't know if I should just accept this and get on or try to do something about it. A lot of the time in RL I want to be on my own as I get 'confused'.
I am very, very tired due to insomnia, nightmares and disturbed sleep.

But you are a different person- our life experiences change us.

It will get better though. The guardedness will ease.

I was ill for 10 years, and after I finally sought treatment, am a changed person.
The drugs changed me I feel.
However, I have never been that ill since (10 yrs ago now) and that has to be a good thing.
I am now much more true to my original self, but with 20 years added experiences.

The lack of control over the roles you have had to take on must be very wearing. Try and concentrate on healing yourself as much as you can.

I don't know what to suggest really.

Tiredness is awful and I can relate to that. I go through phases of insomnia and I always feel worse, so that's one thing you can get help with ASAp from GP.

Have you tried counselling of any sort before?

As I don't know anything about you, I don't know what to say about your old self. I've been lots of different people throughout my life (I'm not an actress though, but you see what I mean?!!) Work me, younger, wealthier me, single me, married and a mother..

I hope you can get to see someone soon. Being 'confused' does not sound good, although we all get like this to some extent, especially when exhausted. Good luck and be good to yourself. X

People in my life want things to go on as before and I don't know if I can and to a certain extent want to. I am not an angry or resentful person but I have had to work hard to get through some of the stuff and sometimes I don't feel as if I quite fit the same role anymore.
I know it probabaly sounds odd, but that is about how I feel. I think in a way that is why I come On MN so much, because it fits with who I have become.

Have had counselling in the past and it isn't an option right now.

Thanks...

I think (and this is without any relevant experience myself) that it sounds like while other people without depression change slowly and gradually over the years, in a gradual evolution sort of way, you've had a lot of rapid change thrust upon you. And that's bound to be very hard to come to terms with, and scary, and that will make you feel guarded. It seems to me that you've done bloody well, and should take things as slowly and gently as you can.

Have brought tears to my eyes...not in a bad way....

Yes, agree with Hassled. Very well put.

What you say does not sound odd in the slightest, honestly!

Could you let those nearest and dearest to you know what's going on? Or to give you a break or some support?

Do they want to get on as before as they don't know how to deal with thngs either and it's their way? Tricky.

Nearest and dearest would like to draw a line under it all and go back as if things were the same. I am not being deliberately cryptic by not putting in any of the details but that would then become a story in itself.
One big problem is that a lot of the time I am happiest on my own...but I am a married mother of two. I am not looking forward to Christmas although I will be able to enter into the spirit of things for the family, especially the children. I feel more at peace on my own and that is not good.
It always feels worse when I am this tired, but even that is part of the problem. I don't know. I just don't know.

You need to get the insomnia sorted out, if you can - could you take sleeping tablets for a while, or does that interfere with the ADs? If not, a short dose will do you no harm, and I know GPs won't take any risks re you becoming dependent. Everything just seems so much more copeable with when you've had a night's sleep.

You are so right Hassled, and I have thought on and off about sleeping tablets. It really is understandable why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture, it is so disorientating.

Many many thanks for your posts