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Mental health
: SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!
(147 messages)
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As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!
I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!
Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!
Hi PLP, it sounds like you really do have a lot to deal with your H but at least you still sound like you love/like him. My dp has not be diagnosed with anything in particular he is just a angry control freak who makes our lives a misery. He is great about 85% of the time but the times when he is horrible just makes me spend my whole life waiting for the next blow up. He has had anger management (twice) first time round seem to do him some good - second time round didnt make a blind bit of difference. I know all the MN's on her just think the answer is to leave but I cant/wont leave - send love and good luck to all of your out there dealing with DIFFICULT MENFOLK XXX
My DH has been in general decline since Feb and was finally admitted to hospital following two episodes of self harm. During the time between the 'slide' and the admission he was a horrible person to live with. He was quiet, uncommunicative, spent lots of time at work or in the pub, and DS and I saw little of him. The few times I tried to talk to him before admission he blamed everything on me - he did't know if he loved me, he thought our marriage was boring, he only had DS to save our marriage (I didn't realise it did need saving), didn't want any more kids even though we always said we'd have two, thought I didn;t love or support him and didn;t think I was even his friend. This hurt sooooo much .
He went into hospital voluntarily (or they would have sectioned him) and spent five weeks living 4 hours away from DS and myself. DS and I got on with our lives and with two pets, a job and a house to run I didn't have much time to think about what was going on.
DH came home a week ago, he's finally agreed to take ADs and is on Escitalopram, but his mod is still low. He's off work but will be returning part time on Monday.
We had a big talk after he got back and this is my main sticking point..... I can;t get past the hurt and anger I feel towards him for what he said to me. During our talk I outlined everything he said and how much he hurt me. DH can;t remember anything he said to me and this makes me feel even more angry, as if because he can't remember I'm expected to put it behind me and move on. I can't at the moment, will I ever be able to? I don't know...
So that's part of my story and where I am today. Not knowing if I can through the hurt and make us a family again. I feel like a b*h, but I'm also trying to protect myself emotionally and keep DS happy and free from troubles.
empress that sounds horrible I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your h it does sound like it was all his depressions saying those hurtful things - good luck x
Have a thread going similar to this and so sad for everyone. especially relate to what eo said about not getting past the things he has said to me and the children. I too sat and told him some of the things he'd said and the scene that followed got ugly, There is schizophrenia in his family and i wonder about him. In such a dilemma, if it is because he is ill, weren't my vows 'in sickness and in health', but do i want a life like this? especially for the children. He is having a calm spell at the moment and i'm trying to get through to the man he was to improve things. And I have got him to stop drinking.
At the moment I am focussing on mending the damage that has been done to the children and i am scared to ask myself if we can move forward as a couple. there is a side to him I have grown to really dislike and I have changed so much. I am mourning the loss of the man that he was, but don't know if i have a future with the man that he has become.
Looking at it on another thread is scary, I don't want mine and the DC's future to be like this but the thought letting go breaks my heart.
I wish I could give you some advice but if I had any, I would take it myself. MN is helping me to cope and if PLP doesn't mind perhaps we could use this thread as a mutual suport line? if not, start another one.
crying a bit because whilst I wouldn't wish it on anyone, its a relief to know someone knows exactly what it is like.
I have learnt to be a little bit selfish and make some time to do something just for myself everyday. it helps me cope and stops me feeling like i am drowning.
Big hugs to anyone in this situation and I am on and off MN all day so if you need support i'll check in. Little steps, long road.....xxxxx
Mou, I know exactly how you feel. I too mourn the loss of old DH and am not sure if I can build a future for us as the person he has become. DS is only 3 so it hasn;t really affected him (I don' think anyway). He missed daddy while he was in hospital and became his shadow for a few days when he was back. DS seems to be settling back into the routine of having us both around.
I'm not. I managed perfectly well while DH was away (had a little blip at the beginning), managed two pets, DS, pt work and all the house stuff that needed doing. Didn't need/want/have time to think about my relationship with DH, although that's all he had on his mind. Wasn't til he got back from hospital that we talked about what had been said and how I felt unable to support him at the moment as I didn't want to open myself up to any more hurt. I've been through enough this last few months and as I said to DH I'm surprised I'm still here and not sure why. Still have times when I think it would be better for all of us if DS and I left.
I need to find time to be a little selfish I think. On the days when DS is at CM and I don't have any work I get some me time, and I'm out to dinner tonight with a friend!
I know where you are coming from when you say that you can't envisage a future together but can't see yourself leaving either. Such choices, especialy when LOs involved.
not much time now but can I join? happily married to dh who has severe depression and agoraphobia. suicide attempt a few years back and resulting period of nemploment lot us our house but thats ok, at least he got well. Has relapses regularly, heading back to work sunday (will beieve when I see, against gp advice) on prozac again.
We have 4 ds's- ds1 8 is sn and violent, seems depressed at times; ds2 nt 7; ds3 more severe sn, lttle speecg, 5; ds4 5 months.
i know what people mean about old dh; sometimes I ask dh to think of things as ill dh & as old dh; he seems able to rationalise that
there is no way dh will be at work sunday; my dad has been taken ill which prevented dh dong something and it sparked a complete meltdown. I've given in and let him go (dad 60 miles away, wanted car) but am very annoyed and rather sad- but remembrering its always the same carnival week (he is obsessed) and he did the same when i was taken in with pre-eclampsia 9 years ago
Wow, I'm almost in tears to know there really are other people out there who have an idea of what life is like with an ill dh...
Welcome peachy and unhappy and hiya to empressorchild <<waves>>
peachy, I totally understand what you mean about the hope of DH working or not - my DH didn't work for five years and I began to wonder if he ever would. The pressure of being the only earner in the house was immense and when he didn't run the house to a very clean standard it was almost too much to bear. Then 3 years ago, a family friend needed some help at work and the place of work was very remote with very few people. He gave it a go but struggled every single day. I thought life was finally starting to settle down and that things were sorting themselves out slowly but bang - one day he just walked out! It was then that I realised that he was having a breakdown, and a severe one at that (we've had many suicide attempts over the years so I lose count but I'm sure there was one around that time). So, we focussed on getting him better, tried some new ad's, he went to counselling etc etc and he gradually got better. Then the next year, despite saying he would never go back, they needed him (seasonal work) and he promised me he could do it without getting ill. He also had the pressure of me being pg at that point and seemed to be determined to be a 'proper man' as such. Well, when I had DD2, she was born with problems and it was all quite dramatic with hospitals and operations and all sorts. This triggered another breakdown but it wasn't as bad, maybe because DD2 is here!? Anyway, he worked there again this year and seemed to be coping really well but he only lasted a few weeks in the end. I've come to accept that he may never work again and I'm going back to work next year. I tried working full time when we first married but balancing that and 2DC's and DH made me physically ill all the time and I missed them growing up. Also, although he is a great Dad, the pressure of being the responsible one didn't help him. So, when I go back to work next year, I'll only go part time as I know thats all I'll be able to cope with. Its like having 4 children, he's like a teenager really. I can't hang around waiting for him to get better, I have to accept this is what he is like and make the best of it. Motivating him to do stuff around the house is sometimes really hard but other times he gets on with it. As long as he wants to do stuff I'm happy but I guess that's an arguement that all couples have isn't it?!?
There we go, I've got carried away again and rambled lol! Just so pleased to hear others know what its like really.
DH was meant to be doing my parents shed today but he hurt his hand so he'll do it next week - it's quite usual for things to get put off all the time!
as someone who has had mild to desperate suicidal depression and associated mental health issues for a lot of my life (currently well)... id just like to say that you people who live with and love us, you are amazing and wonderful and deserve wonderful things. thank you
Chupitos - thanks for the Thanks. It's soooo hard sometimes not to walk out the door when things are bad.
Hi PLP <waves back>. Welcome to Peachy.
Today I am very .
Some background: DS doesn;t sleep well, never has. He usually wakes about 2-3 times a night for a couple of minutes. Can't find dummy/teddy/just needs a hug. DH and I usually take it turns to get up with in the night and because he wakes at 0600 we also take it in turns to get up with him in the morning.
Last night was my first night out in ages. WEnt and had a lovely meal with a few glasses of wine with a friend. It was DH turn to get up overnight & this morning. Got home to find DH had drunk 6 bottles of Old Peculiar and was rather drunk. I went to bed and he came up about midnight. He didn;t hear DS over night so I got up with him twice. At 0600 DH got up with DS and I rolled over to enjoy my lie-in. DH comes back upstairs at 0800 and says that he's really sorry ot wake me but his head is killing him and he needs to go back to bed. I get up have a lovely morning watching TV and playing with DS. Put DS down for his nap about 1200. DH gets up at 1300 and says sorry - he was told that he couldn't drink as much as he's used to on ADs but managed to put away 8 bottles of OP in the end.
I am mad, mad, mad at him. For being a selfish pig and ruining my night out/lie-in; for being so irresponsible that he had to drink 8 bottles of beer whilst in charge of DS; and for being irresponsible to drink that much whilst on ADs. No sympathy for him today, whatever he has been through in the last couple of months. Really feel like chucking it all in and leaving. I sometimes ask myself why I'm still here... don;t know the answer at the moment.
So sorry eo. do you find when something happens like that frustration and repressed anger comes to the surface? Hope you are feeling better today.
My H managed not to have a drink since tuesday and things quieter but i feel hollow and still walking on eggshells because I could say something today and pay for it in a weeks time. We talked a little and i tried to explain that to him diplomatically. Don't know how we got to this place. He is supposed to be seeing the doctor this week but we will see.
Know things are not quite as bad for me as some others but it is good to know others share the dilemma about staying or going.
my repressed anger and frustration comes to the surface, not sure about his!
Sorry you feel the way you do, it's so bloody hard to know what to say to them sometimes because you don't know what/when they will say something back. DH says that he doesn't actually hear what I say to him, just what he wants to hear - which is mostly in the negative. If I say or do anything all he can hear/see is the negative side. For example, before he went into hospital he complained to me that I never support him. So I listed all the things I do: walk the dog, look after DS, constantly scrabble around for work so we have more money to spend, do the shopping, clean the house etc etc etc. I then asked him what he heard and his reply was 'you think I can't cope with anything'. You can't win or that's what it feels like.
Every morning I wake up and wonder how willhe be today. It really is like looking after another child and on top of all the other 'normal' things going on in life it's more than I can cope with sometimes.
mou - sorry forgot to say so glad your DH has given up the drink. Hope it lasts for you to get some good times going.
This depression stuff is very selfish. It makes the sufferer selfish (I find) and it makes the partners selfish - I keep forgetting to support evryone else. xx
Crap day in the end. H in a strange mood. Asked me why I took recycling out of wrong door..front not back. little things not right. Then I asked him to take DD to a party so I could work (I work from home), also give DD a break because if he'd gone he dominates and she deserves a break. Could feel things sliding and then DS had a strop about taking a wet top off, behaving like a toddler. I've learnt to handle it mostly but could see H crumbling.
Evening ended badly. H wanted a drink but didn't when I asked him not too. Can't blame him for wanting one. DS went into a rage. I feel like a fucking idiot (sorry). Floating around being diplomatic, DD and DS crying H trying to keep things together but struggling ( at least he's trying ).
He is supposed to go to the doctors this week, but he denies it might be depression FFS!!!!! I know denial is common but he must realise something is not right. I'm in pain, due on and i've got a cold.
Oh mou, so sorry you had a crap day yesterday. Hope things are better this morning. How old are your DCs? Are they affected by what's happening with DH. I hope DH goes to the docs, I know you can't suggest to him that he should (if he's anything like mine he'll go off on one). And don't worry about the language - I'm a nurse and I know a few choice phrases of my own!!!!
I obviously didn;t read your original post properly - I thought your DH had already been diagnosed with depression. It really sounds as if he does or do you think it might be an alcohol problem? Glad he's resisting the temptation, my DH still drinking even though on ADs. He's gone back to work today so god knows what he'll be like when he gets in... thankfully he's only going back part time (til 1200) at the momnet and today as soon as he finishes he's off to see his psych nurse. His Boss has told him in no uncertain terms that he is to leave work at 1200 and go home other wise he (the Boss) will break all of his (DH) fingers!! Thank god they can laugh about it. Wonder if he'll slip back to work whenno-ones watching? I know him he's a work freak. He thinks the place will fall down f he's not there to hold it up, plus he's been away from it for about 7 weeks now. Probably take him all of today just to clear his email inbox!
Anyway, hope today brings a bit of sunshine for you.
Hello, sorry for not having been around - things are manic around here as usual! DH has had a very low week and when he's low its almost impossible to motivate him and I end up doing most of the running of the house! He's picking up a bit now so hopefully we've turned a corner, these ad's are so up and down to begin with - if I go out for a few hours, he's fine but then I can see he's been crying when I get back... Thing is, he relies heavily on the 'green stuff' and it really doesn't help and he won't accept that it also affects his mood... I've had two promises of him giving it up so far this week but I've heard it all before - we'll see!!!
mou - sorry I haven't said welcome yet, big hugs to you (and WELCOME of course!). Hope the doctors goes OK and that DH goes - I know how hard it can be to get them there. I see so many similarities in what you're saying so far in regards to addiction, in my DHs case its green rather than drink, not that either one is easier or harder . Hope the cold goes away soon xx
ChupitosGalore - thank you for your encouragement and glad to hear you're doing well at the moment, it gives us hope that it is possible!
Laughlots - I wish I could answer your question, I still struggle to know if I'm getting depressed or not (have been mildly in the past) and also I'm still figuring out DH. Hope you find some answers ((hugs))
EO - So sorry to hear you had such a nightmare with dh the other night, but still glad to hear you got out and had a bit of time to yourself to relax. We have a set-up here where we both get up with DD2 on weekdays (same time for everybody in the house) and then at weekends we take it in turns for a lie in e.g. me on the Saturday and him on the Sunday or vice versa. However, what with these ad's and his insomnia, he's been staying in bed quite often lately. Fair enough it hasn't been for long but I still feel resentment bulding up inside me, especially when I had to wait 3 weeks for my lie in during the summer holidays . Saying that, if I look back to 3 or 4 years ago, he rarely got out of bed before mid-day and that was when I was working so there's been some progress there. How did it go for DH at work today? Sounds like he has a good boss!
I too find that the smallest trigger can set off DH's repressed anger - it takes a day or two of him being a nightmare to live with for him to say what the trigger was and what's bothering him and once its out he generally feels better. I'm getting to know the triggers but sometimes they're totally new ones that take me by surprise! As far as my repressed anger/frustration, I vent it as much as possible as I go along so it doesn't get repressed, otherwise I'm like a shaken fizzy can just waiting to explode everywhere! It does mean that I sound like I'm nagging most of the time though but better out than in I guess!
Hi Purple, you sound very upbeat at the moment. Glad things are going reasonably smoothly for you, even if your DH soes have his down time.
Laughlots - I knew DH was depressed because he spoke in a very quiet voice, wasn't sleeping very well, blew up at the slightest little thing (eg DS not going for a nap) and was just generally bleh... not his usual self with a few added extras. I think if your just unhappy you can carry out basic tasks of daily life still but these become a real struggle if you're depressed. But that's my humble opinion. It may be different for others.
My DH doing my head in!! Depressed and the ADs seem to have made no difference, not sleeping again (in bed at 0315 this morning) and not talking to me again
Sorry have not had a chance to read all of the thread will try to tomorrow I promise!!
DH had a breakdown in 2004 I was pg at the time but did not know it. He tried to harm himself and then went missing and I had to dial 999 for police to look for him. He was in a very bad way. It was very stressful and he ended up being sectioned in Ireland (where he is from - I am in England) as care over here pants.I was not married to him at the time and I was treated vvv badly. Ie family blamed me, would not let me speak to him etc.
Fast forward to now and its happened again. We have 2 small Dcs ages 3 and 7mths. I have left the house as he was starting to get violent. Am staying at my mum's with Dcs. My family are very supportive and I could not do this without them.
He has walked out of work today saying he can't cope. Am at the end of my tether and want to hear from other people in the same situation... cannot stop crying, sorry...
Hi simpson - didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm hitting the hay now, but just wanted to send a quick hug before bed. I feel for you - for all of you. I'll check back in with this thread in the next few days.
XP, who wants to reconcile, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I can relate an awful lot to missing the "old" version of him, and feeling unsure if I can build a future with the person he's become over the past couple of years. And as others have said, with children involved, it's a very tough call.
I'm relieved to hear you're getting top-notch support at your mum's, simpson. Sleep well. Hugs to you all.
Hi Simpson and piecesof8, just wanted to send you big hugs too. Sounds like you've both had a really tough time of it, feel free to vent on here and we'll all try to support each other. I for one, feel very isolated at times. My family are very supportive (and rl friends) but its so hard to explain how things are at home when sometimes its hard to understand myself! Thing is, its such a long process and I worry that its the same old story when they see me and ask how things are, they must be sick of hearing it . Whereas on here, I can talk and I know you ladies understand because even though our situations are all different, we're still going through similar things/emotions. The beauty of it is that we all cope in different ways and talking about how we cope (or not sometimes!) can help others, I hope anyway...
EO, how long as your dh been on the ad's and can you remember which ones they are? DH has tried pretty much all of them and I've found there's a 'wall' at around two weeks, then around 5 or 6 weeks if I remember correctly . DH went through the 2 week 'wall' last week and I'm dreading the next one but hopefully we can work through it. Because we're so close, its hard not to become his psychiatrist and analyse everything together - I have to keep a healthy distance but still be there for him to talk things through. I still get so so angry with him and the way he handles things but I'm learning slowly to redirect the anger at the illness rather than him. I do hope things start picking up for you soon, keep posting hun xxx
DH asked me today to make him a 'schedule' for the day - literally telling him when to wash and get dressed etc. as its not his strong point. He wants to only have the green stuff of an evening and I've been given the task of keeping it hidden from him until 9pm which according to him, will help him get things done in the daytime. I actually think it might help and I'm putting it together in the morning. Also, he wanted to go out today so we went to the local Tesco's - its one of his 'safe' places. I realised he hasn't been out of the house for about a month, apart from coming to my parents a couple of times (a very safe place for him). We grew up in the same street and my parents still live there so it really is home to him. He too stays up really late at night, or on the flip side, he'll go to bed at a decent time but wake up in the early hours and not be able to sleep. He's always been an insomniac but these ad's add to the problem. I picked up his repeat prescription for zoplicone today but he fell asleep before taking one tonight so maybe tomorrow... A good nights sleep really does make all the difference doesn't it! <<she says at 1.30am!>>
simpson - my DH had a breakdown just when we found out I was pg with DD2. He was meant to start a job but drew out all our money and jumped on a train to London. I didn't even know until the evening when he was on his way home. He then spent the evening locked in the office with a bottle of JD, singing self-pity songs and threatening to kill himself (he's t-total normally). That was one of many times I was going to have him sectioned but somehow we got through it. I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm glad to hear your family are supportive. There's nothing wrong with crying, get it all out hun (((hugs))))
piecesof8, one of my close friends has bipolar disorder, isn't there a scale of numbers associated with what level it is or something? (sorry, she hasn't told me much about it). We thought DH had it at one point as he seems to have the 'classic' symptoms but the GP and mental health clinic have dismissed it. Although my friend has her bad patches, she manages really well and knows her limits etc and is a fab single mum. It must be so hard to be faced with the decision of reconcilation or not, I really feel for you. I love DH dearly but there are many times when I really could do without living with his illness and I hate what it does to him and us as a family. On the other hand, having been in an abusive marriage (before DH) for 8 years, I can honestly say that the good days make the bad days worthwhile. I look back over those 8 years and can truthfully only remember a handful of good days/times, how sad . When you look at the last couple of years with DH, can you remember the good days inbetween the bad ones and did they make it bearable? Sorry if I'm being blunt, I'm just thinking out loud - please don't be under any pressure to answer me, I wouldn't want to put anybody on the spot...
Well, I've waffled enough for tonight lol! Sorry to have rambled, I'm off to bed. I find that I relax when everybody is in bed but I do really need to start getting myself to bed earlier if I'm going to be of any use to the family - slapped wrists
So sorry simpson. Hope this thread gives you some support. My H is as yet not diagnosed with anything as he refuses to see the doctor, allthough he now has one on friday. He is quite insulting about depression which is a shame and not very helpfull. I have had it. He has changed over the last five years and I think much of that has been due to undiagnosed depression. He is moody and paranoid and has enormous anger management issues. He is currently in disciplinary proceedings at work and i think he might lose his job if he is not careful but nothing is ever his fault. His relationship with our DS (10) broke down dreadfully. He tried to get me to consider adoption at one point and up until I said I would split with him (early august) he did very little for Ds. I got him to stop drinking for now because he gets so nasty and I am struggling to see a future.
I feel bad because you all have such serious problems and nothing here is official. But I have experienced mental health problems before and so much of his behaviour echoes what i have seen. He also gets massively jealous (not my fault, past issues).
I won't come on this thread too much as i feel a bit intrusive but it struck a chord...
Mou - my DH not diagnosed with anything yet either. My mum is taking him to docs later today. He needs to be signed off work and given medication etc.
Last time he had a break down it was called a "psychotic episode"
He is obssessive, sometimes delusional, stressed and bordering on violent. Maybe aggressive is a better word than violent...
He seems to cope with day to day stuff fine ie getting up going to work but once at work can't cope. His boss very supportive though.
He is very needy and keeps phoning me asking what I am doing. My dad went to see him this morning and spent 2 hours with him. He is too unstable for me to live with him and I am finding it hard to meet him. Somebody on this thread (sorry can't remember who) said they find it hard to forgive the horrible things that are said even if DH doesn't really mean/remember it, I am just the same.
Its sooo hard trying to pretend things are ok for Dcs DS due to start pre school next week.God knows what to do about that as I cannot live in our house ATM and don't drive.
Since 2004 he has been fine had the same job, got promoted but then stress builds up and this is how he copes (or doesn't)
Thanks for welcome guys, sorry anyone has to go through this but am glad we can support each other...
Update - DH went to GP and she sent him to A & E. He went with my mum and waited for a couple of hours to be seen and got quite agitated which is good I guess as they can see what is really going on iyswim. Early on in the day he is not too bad but gets worse as day goes on.
He has been given strong sedative for tonight and being assessed at home tomorrow between 9am and 2pm.
Has anyone had any experience of this and what are they looking for exactly??
I wonder if he was sent to A&E to fast track the system as it takes so long to get help otherwise.
You must be exhausted, it is so draining, especially trying to protect the DC's, we are going through this as well, i know they are related. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/8/598193 Ireally hope you get to make some progress....thinking of you all.
Hi all, sorry I've not been on for a couple of days - I have discovered facebook and am a bit addicted
Simpson, welcome I hope we can all offer each other a little bit of support, even is it's only space to rant. It was me said I find it hard to forgive the horrible things he said to me! It's soo hard and I really haven't forgiven him yet. I feel that his apology of 'I can't remember' is a bit of a cop out, but I don't really know what I'm expecting of him. How did the assessment go? Keep posting, we'll be here for you and so glad you have the support of your family.
Mou - don't be silly, come post whenever you need to! It's god to listne to others stories, it's makes me realise I'm not alone in the struggle to decide to stay or go. Still don't know. A friend of mine told me I need to decide what's best for me and LO, but LO adores hs daddy so much would feel like a bitch to go. So here I am stuck and puzzled and pondering the great mysteries of life...
Let us know how DH gets on at the doctors.
Purple - Hey hun, how you doing?How is DHs plan for the day going. He sounds bad at the moment. At least my DH has managed to get back to work and has never closeted himself away at home. Has the zopiclone helped him sleep. DH took that for a while but views medication as 'weak' so is trying to do without at the moment. AS for his ADs - he's on Escitalopram, been on it about three or four weeks now. I don;t see a change in his behaviour at home but he's managing to get some work done, so maybe it is helping. Either that or his 'mask' has slipped back on, in which case he'll meltdown in a couple of weeks. Sound so flippant don't I - it's my coping strategy, trying not to get stressed about what he does or doesn't do. He's an adult, he knows what he's supposed to be doing, it's his choice if he wanders off the path. One of these days soon it'll all blow up again
As far as I know he is taking the ADs, but I refuse to stand over him and watch him, so I just have to trust him. God I sound like a right infeeling, uncaring bitch.
DH has been signed off for another fortnight (5 weeks in total, 1 of which was taken as holiday). I feel bad- I hate tis feeling that if he loses his job we'll be on benefits but I'm carer and it would be too much to ask DH to cope with the sn ds's. I do get Carers Allowance but they take that off your benefits / WTC. Not that work have said anything- just panicking a bit I think!
He's been switched from prozac to citalopram which works better on anxiety as he's starting to develop agoraphobia like symptoms.
Yesterday was awful as DH totally irrational. My dad took Ds round to see him and in hindsight was not a good idea. Ds was very subdued when he got back. Dh kept saying "tell mummy you want to come home"
He was aggressive to mental health assessors (which might be a "good" thing as they get the full picture) He would not let me speak to them on the phone, although I did get to later.
He was given medication (a sedative) to calm him down and the mental health assessors went out in the evening too. He must have slept a long time as there were no phonecalls (had been every 20 mins from him) then when he did ring he started saying he was better and had beaten it etc...
However today he is MUCH better. Mental health assessors are pleased but going round twice a day ATM. My dad spent 2 hours with him this morning and my mum is going to see him after work for a bit.
I have not seen him since I had to flee house and will wait for a bit before contemplating that.
Peachy - DH has been signed off for 2 weeks and already I am worried about mortgage payments etc. It is hard enough to deal with mental illness, let alone all the other worries that go with it...
Empressorchid - I know what you mean about medication. If I stood over DH then I would feel like his mother iyswim..
Mou - the GP rang me last night and said that is exactly why she said go to A & E otherwise we could have been waiting 2 weeks
'Fortunately' mortgage not an issues, we rent (so can get hb if needed) as we lost the house during dh's first breakdow. Would be too small now anyway tbh- oh and in te wrong country pmsl
Peachy - so gald your DH has been signed off, and so sorry this causes you money worries. On top of everything else that must be awful, thankfully not a situation I find myself in. Sorry, I have no advice re: the money issues, but hope someone can help with info if you need it.
Simpson - well good and bad news I suppose for you. Glad he's feeling better, prob as a result of the sedative or do you think he is trying to lull you in to a false sense of security to get you back in the house? Don;t go until you feel ready to handle it all. Sorry about your DS, mine is still too little to understand what's going on really.
empressorchid - think he is desperate to get me back to house. He keeps saying he is fine etc but obviously is not. He also wants to go back to work asap and does not realise that he probably won't be able to cope.
I had a phone call from his consultant yesterday who pretty much said the same thing. If he keeps saying "I'm fine, everything is fine!" he is not getting better and acknowledging there is a problem iyswim. It may be a loooong process.
His family don't help (they may well have caused a lot of this....)by telling him yes aim to be back at work on Tuesday and think positive. WTF!!!
DH had also told the consultant that I would be moving home on Sat which is definately NOT happening.
The house is totally immaculate everything lined up in fridge etc (so my mum says) almost bordering on obsessive. Think this is because he feels so out of control with everything else.
Anyway lets hope we all have a positive day and can keep supporting each other. Thanks for all support so far!!
o no, no money worries at present. Dh is going to Uni I hpe next year whic will mean financial pain but will mean he leave this career which is challenging and night shift based and no good
Hello can I join you all, will fill you all in on how it is to live with my dp tomorrow, tonight I need to get some sleep before the dc get me up at silly o clock
So glad I have come across this thread, think it may be just what I need right now, night all and lets hope for a positive day tomorrow xx
Well medication seems to be kicking in for DH but the problem is now he broke his collar bone a few weeks ago and it was starting to heal but in the middle of one his "episodes" he thinks it was opened up again. He has hospital appt today, so we will see....
Simpson how did your dp get on at hospital, if its any help my dp often says I am the reason for his depression! He never apologises but when he is feeling "better" he says he is talking nonsense
i was going to give you my story, basically dp has always been a quietish sort of person - unless out with his mates boozin - we are too old to ba classed as binge drinking - I have a bad pancreas so cant drink altho I did when we met but I didnt have kids then so could afford the luxury of spending a weekend in bed recovering, We ave had a fairly pants time over the last 6 or so years, we lost our son at 29wks this was the 1st sign of his depression but we put that down to grief he lost some hair in patches and the gp said it was stress
Before this I had lost my brother in a car accident, dp was a rock for me then, Then our dd wad 5wks prem, he was very distant for quite a while, the fast forward 3yrs another miscarriage and forward again 2yrs and my ds was 8weeks early following a very hard pg.
As soon a we found out ds was due dp's depressiobn hit an all time low and continued throughout the pg, when I had the sex scan and said it was a boy he said he didnt want it and why the hell did I get pg - he had forgotten that we had actually planned this and were date counting ect, I was gutted and he was nasty
When ds arrived he was head over heels with him and now he is a little man ds loves him to bits, however the depression has continued and gradually gotten worse to the stage that 3 sundays ago he took an overdose, again he was nasty to me - not physically just verbally, dd was scared and obviously didnt understand - she still asks why daddy was taken away and said nasty things to mummy
Since then he has started councilling and it is really helping, he is changing his meds as of tomorrow and has been told not to work as he gets quite angry
Better go he is lurking, thats about it tho, so we see what happens and pray that one day the black cloud will bugger of and we can lead somethging like a normal life
Simpson how did your dp get on at hospital, if its any help my dp often says I am the reason for his depression! He never apologises but when he is feeling "better" he says he is talking nonsense
i was going to give you my story, basically dp has always been a quietish sort of person - unless out with his mates boozin - we are too old to ba classed as binge drinking - I have a bad pancreas so cant drink altho I did when we met but I didnt have kids then so could afford the luxury of spending a weekend in bed recovering, We ave had a fairly pants time over the last 6 or so years, we lost our son at 29wks this was the 1st sign of his depression but we put that down to grief he lost some hair in patches and the gp said it was stress
Before this I had lost my brother in a car accident, dp was a rock for me then, Then our dd wad 5wks prem, he was very distant for quite a while, the fast forward 3yrs another miscarriage and forward again 2yrs and my ds was 8weeks early following a very hard pg.
As soon a we found out ds was due dp's depressiobn hit an all time low and continued throughout the pg, when I had the sex scan and said it was a boy he said he didnt want it and why the hell did I get pg - he had forgotten that we had actually planned this and were date counting ect, I was gutted and he was nasty
When ds arrived he was head over heels with him and now he is a little man ds loves him to bits, however the depression has continued and gradually gotten worse to the stage that 3 sundays ago he took an overdose, again he was nasty to me - not physically just verbally, dd was scared and obviously didnt understand - she still asks why daddy was taken away and said nasty things to mummy
Since then he has started councilling and it is really helping, he is changing his meds as of tomorrow and has been told not to work as he gets quite angry
Better go he is lurking, thats about it tho, so we see what happens and pray that one day the black cloud will bugger of and we can lead somethging like a normal life
I'm so pleased to have seen this thread (sorry to be late in joining - work is busy and its tricky to get to the computer sometimes) - having a partner with a mental illness is, like has been said, something I really wouldn't wish on anyone and I'm so sorry we are all going through it. But its good to share and get support.
Some background on my situation - my DH has a jealous type delusional disorder where he believes that I was terribly unfaithful to him during a part of our relationship 14 years ago. He started to "remember" inifidelities I was supposed to have had, after I admitted (18 months ago) to a brief fling I had 15 years ago. Now I have lost count of the number of affairs, snogs at parties, and worse I'm supposed to have done - all of it around 1994. When some of the "memories" got really bad, he saw a psychiatrist who prescribed (a low dose of) anti-psychotic medication which helped a little bit. But he has now stopped taking that - he says, of course, that there is nothing wrong with him - these things all happened, its just that I can't remember them (I was drunk on the occasions these events happened, according to him). Since stopping the meds his "memories" have got more numerous and worryingly more violent (although I've never been worried that he would be violent to me at the moment). He is on the waiting list to see a psychologist - heaven only knows when that will happen - we have been waiting 6 months already. We are also being referred for family therapy (in the last 18 months I have had a DD (we also had a DS who died shortly after birth 3 years ago)) and moved house to another part of the country, and gone back to work after the baby (albeit part time).
Unsuprisingly perhaps, I have been on prozac for the last few months to manage the anxiety of all this and am having counselling.
I have considered leaving him, but because I know he is ill (in sickness and in health and all that) and as he adores our DD,I am reluctant, but still haven't ruled it out. Living with someone who is angry with you a lot of the time becuase they think you did lots of things you didn't is really really hard. I'm waiting to see if the psychologist or family therapy help.
I've waffled on for long enough and have to do some work, but wanted to say that if it helps, I know that its dreadful to live with this, particularly the poor state and availability of NHS care for the mentally ill (and their families) and the stigma around the illnesses which means that sometimes you don't get much support from friends and family who don't want to know, or don't understand that saying "think positive" sometimes (always!) isn't enough.
Sending big, big hugs to you all... Hoping to get to know you all better..
Lupins71 - My DH's collar bone seems to be ok but he is slightly worse today I feel. He was not given any sleeping pills for last night so he only got 3hrs sleep. SO sorry to hear you lost your brother. I think my DH's stress started when I was pg with DD.
Am playing the waiting game today DH has gone to work saying he is fine and am waiting for text/phonecall to tell me otherwise.
Its very hard to pretend everything is ok infront of DCs especially when we are not even in our own home
Sorry so many people are going through same or similar experiences...
Welcome Myangels my DH is also on anti psychotic drugs they have made a difference but still a looong way to go...
Hello all, sorry I've been away so long - had a bit of a scare with DD2 and I've got bursitis in my hip which is really painful . Anyway, lots has been happening here, mainly the struggle of DH sleeping - the zoplicone worked for a few nights but not last night so DH has been really tired. We had a row on Sunday as he was meant to be giving me my one lie-in as I was in pain, hormonal and have been running the house while he has been lying in every morning. After having had a row, he cheered me up in the evening with a candle-lit bath and a lie-in on Monday morning. Also, he actually did the kitchen today as my hip is so bad.
simpson - big hugs to you, you're sounding so so strong. He will try to lash out at you and blame you as you're the closest to him unfortunately. I do hope they manage him - are they talking with you about what to do too? Have they 'diagnosed' him yet? What a drama and you're being so brave. DH also goes on about being 'fine' when he clearly isn't and its so frustrating - half the problem is getting them to admit it sometimes! Keep posting, will be thinking of you... You're right, its such a long process but keep your chin up xxx
peachy - how's it going having DH at home? My DH gets incapacity benefit and I get carers allowance for DD2 too. We get HB/CT and sometimes I wonder how we're surviving. I spent so many years being the worker but I ended up making myself ill what with DH being like another child. I will be going back to work next year though, we'll see how well DH is by then... Thinking of you too, I know how difficult finances can get. How long has he been on citalopram for? It seems to be helping DH with anxiety too... xx
empressorchid - You're NOT uncaring at all, please remember that. How is your DH? My DH was on escitalopram but it disagreed with him, everybodies so different and its hard to find the right ad. DH has that 'mask' too and it has caught me a few times as I've been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking things are going well; then all of a sudden he explodes and I find out he was just pretending he was fine!! xxx
Welcome to newbies and big hugs to you:
Lupins71 - so sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time over the past few years. I had 2 m/c's, 1 at the beginning of our marriage and one Oct '06 and still think I may have underestimated the impact they had on DH. When DD2 came along, she had 4 operations and it was all quite dramatic; I'm beginning to think that its all coming out now, kind of delayed I guess but still real unfortunately. Hope the med change goes smoothly and that DC's settle down soon. xx
Myangels - big big hug to you too, I can't imagine going through all of that, and you've got your DH to cope with on top of your feelings too! I totally agree that it is a hidrance rather than a help for family members to keep saying 'think positive' etc. I have a big problem with my mum as she seems to refuse to accept his illness, then the next minute she wants to help. She just doesn't seem to understand the extent of it and keeps putting pressure on him, so sad. Its really good that you're on waiting lists for things at least - we don't know if DH is on the waiting list for CBT or not as there isn't much in this area .
Hello to mou and unhappy and piecesof8 too. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes to know that I'm not the only one living with a DH with problems like this. Even if I don't get on here as often as I'd like, I really am genuinely thinking of you all.
We're still here and whether it feels like it or not, we're somehow coping, each of us in our own ways. Here's to getting through tomorrow! xxx
Things gone totally tits up here and DH turned up at my mum's last night and would not leave. In the end we had to dial 999 for ambulance/police who took 2hrs to get him out of the house.
They could not section him (even though he clearly needed it) because it was on private property. WTF!!
He was taken to hosp A & E and left to wait by himself, thought he would walk out but he didn't. He was released at midnight and allowed to get home by himself!!
Rang the crisis team this morning who are going to see him but he has convinced 6/7 people that he is fine and I am neurotic!! Have got someone going round to assess him to maybe section him, but am sure he will convince them he is fine.
Don't know else to do TBH...
Sorry no personals but brian frazzled....
Also, forgot to say DD has decided to choose today to scream & scream & scream....
Oh simpson, how awful for you! Hope DD calms down for you. I'm sure the professionals involved will see through DH's behaviour and realise that you're not neurotic. Keep strong hun, big hugs, will be thinking of you, let us know how you get on xxxx
Hi Ladies I'm new at all this. I saw this thread and knew it's the one for me. I'm going to rant on a bit now...probably more for myself, to let it out, rather than necissarily wanting a reply. So if it's too long, or you don't want to read it, that's fine. I think that just knowing theres a place I can talk about it & let it out really helps.
I'm in trouble. Today has started off bad. Reading through other messages on this thread, it's amazing how much rings true for me, and I thought it was just me. Where do I start! look how much I've typed and I havn't even begun yet. DP is bipolar (has only just been diagnosed). DS is 5 months old. I am lost. When ds was just 4 weeks old we moved house, country, the lot. we had been living abroad for 3 years. During that time I supported us completely. DP did not work for first 2 years then decided to open his own business (not successful). so while I was pg and trying to save money o afford not to work when bambino arrived, dp's business was swallowing up all my salary with the same promise every month...there's a big job on next week, I'll pay you back then, but I really need to pay the guys now blah blah blah.so as you can imagine, we're broke. living in a new area, no friends, or even someone i could call on occasionally to babysit, dp not working, and i feel like i can't work. (can't leave ds with dp alone - don't think he would harm him in any way, but dp cannot cope with baby crying even for a few mins. his solution is to plonk ds in cot, close door and ignore him)
Back to today... I got up at 8am when ds woke for breakfast. Dp still up playing computer game. had not come to bed. last night i went to kitchen to wash & sterilise bottles. dp said he would do it as i looked tired. Fab! offer of help very rare so accepted graciously and went to bed... can you guess..yes, got up and no bottles done. Not only that, but living/dining room really smokey (last week he started smoking in the house again. despite argument, agreed that it would only be after ds gone to bed, and the window or door to be left open til dp goes to bed...another promise broken)not so much bothered for myself as I'm getting used to it, but ds deserves better. you can imagin the state he got into this morning having to wait for breakfast while I sterisiled bottle.
It has just brought everything flooding back to me. either of these incidents a small thing (I'm realy trying not to let the small things get to me) but it feels like he has broken every promise recently. I feel like a single mother with no income, no help, no friends, and a stranger living in my house (which we're gonna be kicked out of) who wants dinner and coffees made on demand, and who goes to sleep in my bed once I've got up to look after ds. He has become really selfish recently and I don't know what to do.
Hi Notsoskinnynow - Glad you have found us!! Sorry you are going through this though
Its incredible how selfish mental illness makes a person. I know its part of the illness and not reallt them iyswim but its so hard. Notsoskinnynow - I have a Lo of 7mths and have to do everything for her too. Gets too much sometimes....
DH coming round today and it will be the first time since I had to call the police out last week. Am kind of dreading it really. My mum saw him yesterday and said he is ok (ish) but just feel like I am walking on eggshells waiting for it all to come crashing down....
Hope everyone else is well.
Purplelostprincess - how is your hip now? Hope your DH is managing to get some sleep.
Hi simpson, thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about always walkuing on eggshells! It so hard to avoid the arguments sometimes. Yesterday, after i'd been online and posted here, i felt a bit better, so brought DS out for a drive, went for a walk by the sea, did the grocery shopping etc, and felt much better by the time I got home. Only it all went pear shaped. DP was up by this stage and decided to have an argument about what had happened earlier. I kept thinking, it takes two to argue and i'm not going to do it any more, not going to let him force me into saying what's on my mind only for him to twist it into being my own fault and me end up in tears and feeling miserable. I can't believe he manages to do it every time, no matter how determined I am not to let it happen. And of course, he always ends up angry at me, sayes it's all my fault (and I mean EVERYthing) and I end up feeling worthless,and like I'm doing a crap job of raising our son. Admittadly, he is probably a bit moanier than other babies, but that's probably cos i pick him up whenever he cries so as dp will not get annoyed at crying.
Anyway, have just been out for a long walk which helps. but must dash now and make up bottle as ds starting to wake. Hopefully dp will be in good form taday and look after ds so i can relax in a bath later. (funny how the things we wish for change so much, and a simple relaxing bath is now my idea of heaven!)
Not sure wher to go from here, H saw the doctor but came away with the thought that he is not depressed, and was in a very positive mood. (friday morning, 19th). I had said that I could understand more why he said and did the things he does if there was a medical reason. I think I needed him to be diagnosed with something to justify in my mind the fact that he is actually not a very nice person. I went to the doctor and she has increased my painkillers as I am in a lot of pain and we disussed me going on AD's. whih I accepted as I am exhausted and think someone needs to be strong for the kids. We went to CAMHS and I sat and listened as DH and DS professed their undying love for each other, and yet I have just been through yet another weekend of hell and spent most of it trying to separate the family to limit the damage. I have just plucked up the nerve to tell him that it is his behaviour and his attitude that is making life miserable. He actually said he'd try but couldn't promise anything and goes all 'poor little me'. He is rude and ungracious to the children and I think I had really pinned my hopes on him being diagnosed with depression to justify his behaviour, so now I have to deside if he doesn't change, is this what I want for me and my DC's future? The DC's don't want to be with him and he says he doesn't understand why they seem to hate him.
Simpson, it is so hard when they make such an effort for others and make you look bad and it is hard not to doubt yourself.
Myangels, I am sorry about the jealousy aspect of your situation, I go through that and it is frustrating beyond words.
I struggle with the situation I am in so everybody has my biggest sympathy and support as your stories are so harrowing and somewhere through all of this people seem to forget that you are going through this as well as the DH's get all the attention.
I love mondays as I get a break during the week with everyone at school/work. so am feeling calmer and more positive.
Monday morning hugs to everyone - it staggers me sometimes to read what we are all going through, dealing with difficult husbands. They might not be being selfish on purpose, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with does it.
Welcome Notsoskinnyanymore - so sorry to hear that you haven't any support. Do you have a good GP or Health visitor that you can talk to? What care is DH getting for his bipolar? Once he is in the system you should be seen as his carer (if my experience is anything to go by, your DH might not like the idea that you are his "carer") and you should get a carer's assessment. This might be pretty rubbish and not offer too much practical help (but they might offer you counselling etc), but if you are lucky your carer support worker might be useful in chasing up help/referrals for your DH if he needs it and it can be someone for you to talk to too.
My DH is on the edge of a breakdown at the moment I reckon - he is having more "memories" (well, delusions) about my (non-existent) infidelities and left for work this morning in tears, admitting that he thinks he might be going mad and is scared. I hope this helps persuade him to take his meds again (simpson - I'm glad your DH is taking them and stable again - calling the police is one of my nightmares), but I doubt it.
To top it all my dad was taken to hospital last night (he had a stroke 2 and a half years ago and hasn't been too well since really). More worry. Thank God for my Prozac!!
Hi ladies, I'm really sorry to hear it wasn't such a great weekend.
Simpson, hope the dinner with your dh went well.
Mou, best wishes in such situation.
My angels, have you found any medication helping in your dh's situation? it does sound really horrible for you, to hear all those nasty things being said about you, I'm so sorry.
Notsoskinny now, I can completely sympathise, my dh last week was diagnosed with bipolar and we have a had a bit of a rollercoaster ride in the last couple of years. My ds is nearly 2 now and when he was about 3 months old, he has a breakdown, that sounds a bit like what you are going through, he could not bear baby crying too much, and prefered to take him out in the pram rather than look after him indoors. He was given AD, but obviously that wasn't going to sort out what he had, he stopped taking these and had a major episode 2 weeks ago when I had to call the police.
He was given more AD last week which made him so ill, I had to make him stop taking them, today he will see the go again, not yet seen by the specialist.
Are you in Australia, NZ or similar? could you not try finding some friends online? even just to get a bit of social interacion, that might help you.
I've also been very irritable recently as I feel stressed and I try so hard not to start arguments, pointing out things that haven't been done/or done wrong. How does all of you get to relax? I seem to have neverending housework and cause I work from home part time while ds at nursery dh seems to thing I can do it all as I'm at home!
Dh has seen a doctor this morning who has put him on his original medication so hoping that will help.
Sunday lunch was ok (ish) DH found it hard I think, lots of noise going on etc. He was tied and wanted to go home at 4pm which was good as I thought we might have problems getting him to leave. But he is now overly protective of our house, won't let certain people in etc. He cancelled 2 crisis team visits doing the usual "I am OK" etc but I have had to threaten never to return and he has now seen them today too.
He has also been phoning DS's playgroup leader and hassling her about when half term is (WTF!)
He will see GP tomorrow and see what she says. I hate all this waiting for things to happen/go wrong. A friend of my mum's daughter is bi- polar and she says anti-pychotics normally take 3 weeks to start working...
Pwf - how did your DH get on at the doc's today? I can definately agree with being irritable here, think its the waiting and walking on egg shells that stresses me out TBH.
Myangels - so sorry to hear about your dad Hopefully with regards to your DH if he realises something is wrong he may take his medication... hears hoping!! Sorry to hear he is not so good though.
Mou - so sorry things are not good for you I find the lack of support in the medical profession astounding sometimes Hugs to you.
Notsoskinnynow - How are things today? One of the things that always rings alarm bells in my head is when DH says "you are stressing me, it's your fault" I find it very hard to seperate the DH I married and the DH that can be selfish, put himself before his DCs, and say horrible things It is very hard dealing with this and having very small Lo's I find it easier to deal with when Ds is around as he chats away and distracts me, but obviously I am not in same house as DH ATM.
Purplelostprincess - How are things for you ATM? Hope DH is managing to get some sleep.
Lupins71 - Has the new medication helped at all? My DH is going to be referred for councilling so would be interested to hear if it helps...
Peachy - My DH works shift work too which is part of the problem I think. Am definately starting to worry about money ie the mortgage and how it will be paid Have to get bum in gear and go to CAB. Guess I was hoping DH would not be ill for long, hears hoping...
A million thank yous to whomever started this thread. I have been at the end of my tether thinking that there is nowhere to go for people who have partners with mental illness. Not sure where to begin with my story - just hope that writing things down helps me to feel better. Excuse the ramblings, I am usually an articulate communicator but I'm just going to write what comes into my head and see how I feel.
Over the last four years, I have seen my DP turn from someone who is a pleasure to be with and the person I thought I would
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. DH went through the 2 week 'wall' last week and I'm dreading the next one but hopefully we can work through it. Because we're so close, its hard not to become his psychiatrist and analyse everything together - I have to keep a healthy distance but still be there for him to talk things through. I still get so so angry with him and the way he handles things but I'm learning slowly to redirect the anger at the illness rather than him. I do hope things start picking up for you soon, keep posting hun xxx
