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Mental health

Advice for my 4yr old, with regards to death

6 replies

adorabelle · 28/06/2008 23:52

Hi there, I would appriciate any advice as I'm at a bit of a loss.

My Nan is dying. I have a 4yr old daughter who is very close to my nan, her grandma. Shes going to be going through chemotherapy, and as she is not a fit & healthy lady (is 70 but has chronic emphysema& isn't in good health) I'm not sure how long we're going to have her with us.

My dd has expressed quite alot of distress of her Grandma being ill. She very cluey & will take everything in,she knows my nan is pretty ill even though we've tried to shelter her from how ill.

What should I, do I tell her, without sending her to bed with nightmares. Many Thanks x

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adorabelle · 29/06/2008 00:28

bump to anyone?

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BibiThree · 29/06/2008 00:38

Sorry to hear this, I can imgine you're at a loss as to what to tell your dd. I don't have much advice except to tell her the truth but in child-friendly terms, i.e. don't lie but don't be blunt about it either - does that make sense? I believe you can be honest with very young children but save them some pain too. If she's cluey she'll not believe it if oyu try to fudge the issue.

I hope someone with more practical advice comes along soon. xxx

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adorabelle · 29/06/2008 00:48

Thank you Bibithree, thats the problem that i'm facing. She knows full well that her Grandma is very ill, she's seen my mum & I crying.

We ae both trying not to cry infront of her, but the distress she see's when we have found out even mre bad news is enough for her to know that things are bad....

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adorabelle · 29/06/2008 01:04

We're all trying to be as positive as possible, my nan is forever stoic and as a family we want my nans life, however long or short, to be as lovely,peaceful & loving as possible. God Bless xx

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BibiThree · 29/06/2008 20:15

We try wherever possible not to lie to dd (3.9) when she asks about death etc, but sometimes it is hard to to tell the truth without frightening/hurting/upsetting and confusing them. Most adults can't contemplate losing someone forever, let alone little ones.

Thinking of you and your family. xxx

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Judessis · 29/06/2008 21:07

Hi Adorabelle, had this earlier with the year with DS (3.8 at the time) when my granddad died. They were reasonably close despite a distance and my main worry was that I would upset him when I got upset as I was very close to him. Basically, the advice I found (from Miriam Stoppard - questions children ask) was t explain that when people get old they stop breathing and the body doesn't work any more. This is usually when people and animals are very old. Can progress to explaining that this means that they can't come back. It isn't helpful to hide your feelings or to use euphemisms e.g. gone away as this can confuse kids. Also found "I Miss You" by Pat Thomas (available from Amazon) really helpful - we read it together and he understood why I was upset. And still sometimes says "Great Grampie George was very old [he was 92] and he died and you were sad" and didn't seem to freak him out.

Thoughts are with you, its a tough time.

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