23 year old son feels life is pointless - I need some help please.

[RomayneAnne]

For the last 4/5 years he has felt that life lacks a reason. He finds it hard to want to better himself and has no motivation for anything. After getting 4 A levels he went to Oxford to read Law. He ended up with a "rubbish" 2.2 because he found it hard to do any revision (for the reason above)and was 1 mark off a 2.1 - which he would have been happy with. After an unhappy year in China teaching English he has now come home with some very negative thoughts about the future. He is unable to do what he wanted to do - fly - because of an eye problem, he failed the medical. He has lots of friends from uni and school and has fun in between times. He wants to be alive for us, his parents, but not for himself as he needs to see a point in life. I don't know how to help other than trying to help him find a job. That's hard because there's "nothing" he wants to do.

[Anna8888]

Can he see a careers counsellor of some sorts? As you are well aware, he needst to think in terms of building a career, buying a property and looking for a life partner... career being the first step.

He might also need a bit of psychotherapy IMO - thinking he is useless while having 4 A levels and an Oxford 2.2 in Law sounds as if he needs to reframe his own perception of success.

[stuffitllama]

Romayne I feel very for you and your obviously brilliant but unmotivated son. I have no experience in the mental health field at all but your post is very moving. My only suggestion is to steer him towards heavy duty charity work, temporarily, while he decides what to do, as that can be very motivating?

My other suggestion, and I'm not being at all glib.. but has he considered trying to get a job in, for want of a better word, journalism or the media. There are a number of reasons why ..I can't really explain it.. but your post just touched a nerve.

Wishing you the best.

[stuffitllama]

What a bizarre post from me. Sorry.. I really CAN'T explain why the journalism thing popped up.. but it's ringing all sorts of bells with me and I felt I had to say it.

[Anna8888]

Surely the year teaching English in China was essentially charity work? And it made him unhappy.

My advice would be quite the contrary - to work towards re-inserting Romayne's son into mainstream British society (where he obviously comes from) asap. I think charity work overseas can be immensely unsettling for young people, not always in a good sense - it can get them off track at a stage in life where it can be hard to get back on track.

[RomayneAnne]

Thank you for messages so far. I have taken the day off work today to try to progress some things with him. I want him to talk to a careers counsellor and also for him to see a psychotherapist if he will. The journalism idea is a good one and I will suggest it - he is good with words and enjoys English.

[Anna8888]

Do you live in/near a big city, Romayne? (I presume your son is living at home) Can he try to get some work experience in a mainstream business environment, so that he comes into daily contact with people leading normal British lives that he might perhaps aspire to?

[stuffitllama]

Sorry.. I thought the China thing was a job.

A law degree is a good preparation for journalism.

[Anna8888]

Has your son ruled out law school, Romayne?

[stuffitllama]

Does he speak Mandarin? sorry to bombard questions

[AbbeyA]

It is hard RomayneAnne, my son went right through the system and after finishing University the real world hit-and it is hard. He didn't know what he wanted to do and everything he tried met failure! He got very down. I imagine that your DS has been successful up to now, he must have been to read Law at Oxford. Many people would find a 2.2 from Oxford a success but this is probably his first taste of failure.We had our DS at home, rather isolated because his friends had all gone, doing temp work and getting increasingly depressed-it becomes a vicious circle. In the end we got him to take a job and move away from home. It wasn't what he wanted but it got him out and about making new contacts and friends. It led very quickly to a more interesting job. He still doesn't know what he wants to do but at least he is happy enough and can change if or when he finds out what he wants to do.
A careers counsellor would be be a good start.I agree with Anna8888 and getting him into mainstream society.

[RomayneAnne]

We are in Cornwall but he wants to work in London because he can live with friends there. I don't think he can do law school because he doesn't have the 2.1. He doesn't speak Mandarin but has shown an interest in learning previously. Perhaps I could suggest that but he needs to be earning - he has the loan from uni. He can live for free with us of course though - but no friends here.

[Anna8888]

Does he really need a 2.1 to go to law school? Doesn't a 2.2 from Oxford suffice? Why don't you check that out today?

He might need a 2.1 for a top notch city law firm job further down the line, but not, surely, for other firms?

[Anna8888]

Also - I think that your son needs to do some kind of professional training. A law degree alone isn't much to build a career on.

[stuffitllama]

Am asking A Friend about media entry options just on the off chance.. how to go about it and so on

[AbbeyA]

I would try and get him to London, especially if he can live with friends. Being jobless with family but no friends gives too much time to brood.

[TotalChaos]

I agree with Abbey. He could probably get reasonably well paid paralegal work with London city firms with that degree.

[RomayneAnne]

I will check the law school option today - thanks. Thanks also for the offer from stuffitllama - really appreciate it. The only way I can cope with this is by doing stuff - can't sit and brood!

[Anna8888]

Absolutely, action is key.

What were your sons A-levels in, and did he enjoy them?

[getbackinyouryurtjimjams]

No a 2:2 won't be enough to get a training contract and funding. Especially with a recession looming. Law firms are starting to lay off staff. He could self fund with a 2:2 but I wouldn't do law unless he really wants to. Although if he really wants some law work experience whilst in Cornwall I could put him in contact with someone who might be able to arrange some. It wouldn't be much help in getting a City training contract though and it sounds as if he doesn't want to stay in Cornwall.

There is a big pressure to get a 2:1 at Oxford (probably at any University), but you can tell your son that my most successful friend (who has done way better than the rest of us put together) got a 2:2

Does he want to go into a profession? I would advise against just falling into one....... Very easy to do with an Oxford degree behind you. Could he spend some of the summer trying out radically different things? Work experience & voluntary stuff? Does he have the money to do that? Agree that he would need to be busy though - and probably energetic as brooding is not good. What did he dislike about China? Was it the place or the teaching?

I would LOVE to be in his position. I fell into a series of different jobs etc in my 20's and have only ended up doing what I really wanted to do now aged 37. Weird thing is I knew I wanted to do this in my early 20's - I just couldn't see how to get there and never pursued it.

The key is knowing what you want. Which might not be the same as all your friends, or even what's expected of you.

[stuffitllama]

OK for what it's worth here goes.

My friend moved into journalism at your son's age.

He wrote for a local paper, only a couple of bits, then took a post-grad course. The London College of Printing is a good one, Cardiff and City also recognised by eg the BBC. Obviously heavily subscribed, but your son has a good and interesting background, and there is plenty he can do in the meantime. From there, local radio. Now extremely successful.

It does require a certain amount of get up and go once the decision is made. And he needs to read the papers.

It's not an easy time but your son has an advantage, I'm sorry to say for all those who did media studies -- his degree is not in media studies and that's a positive. Sorry to have no magic way in.

Whatever he does, I wish him the best.

[RomayneAnne]

Thanks for all the advice, suggestions and good wishes. I will certainly remember it all and bear it in mind as we try to go forward. If only he was 2 or 3 again - I'd like to have another try at helping him see things differently.

[Anna8888]

Romayne - why do you live in Cornwall?

It may be quite hard for your son to know how to get to a place in life in mainstream society with parents who live quite a way from London/a metropolis. Did he make friends with Londoners/people from the SE of England at Oxford?

[getbackinyouryurtjimjams]

oh for goodness sake Anna

[Anna8888]

I'm speaking from experience... my parents lived abroad.

[getbackinyouryurtjimjams]

Cornwall is hardly abroad (and I would place it firmly in 'mainstream society'). Especially for a 23 year old.