How do I tell my dh?

[naswm]

Okay so he knows some things, but he doesnt know everything.

Today I have had another failed attempt at getting help. I told him about the appt and he asked how I had got on this evening. I just wish I could be totally honest with him, but I cant. And I know that is wrong. But I am protecting him. He is sick and we have so many other problems to deal with he doesnt need to be worrying about me on top of everythign else. But:

He doesnt know how bad my addictions are
He doesnt know I was sexually abused as a child
He doesnt know I am suicidal
He doesnt know how selfish I am

I feel so alone, and so trapped

[georgiemama]

bump - so sorry to see this I have nothing constructive to offer but didn't want you to slip off active convos.

I bet you aren't selfish, if you are managing to hide all that to protect him you must be the opposite of selfish, but you obviously need help. Why do you feel unable to get the help you need?

[georgiemama]

bump - so sorry to see this I have nothing constructive to offer but didn't want you to slip off active convos.

I bet you aren't selfish, if you are managing to hide all that to protect him you must be the opposite of selfish, but you obviously need help. Why do you feel unable to get the help you need?

[umberella]

oh dear - don't know the background to this but .

What are your addictions?

[bellavita]

naswm - I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I haven't got any experience of what you are going/gone through, but I did not want your post to go unanswered.

Lots of hugs to you. xx

[umberella]

Have you been to see someone about the abuse?

[lulumama]

there is a saying, you are only as sick as your secrets.. not telling your DH is putting up a barrier between you ... you are not selfish! yes, he has problems too, but you need to face things head on as a team.
so sorry things are hard for you

[moopymoo]

was your appoinment for counselling? why did it fail? fwiw if you are not ready to tell dh then there is no immediate need to - let yourself off the hook a bit and find a way to process these things yourself first if that helps.

[naswm]

Thank you for the responses.

Bit more info: I am in regular therapy, whcih we are paying for because the NHS doesnt want to know. Today I went to my GP because I feel very unsafe and told her so, and asked for more regular support, but alas she wasnt able to provide much.

My therapist knows all about my addictions (self harm, alcohol, ED) and the abuse, which we are working trhough at the moment. So I dont feel I have secrets. the barrier between dh and me has been there for so long though that it is hard to break through. We are no longer a team.

I dont know what to do any more

[georgiemama]

The only answer is to talk. That barrier isn't real, you both need to knock it down. Perhaps he thinks that he would be interfering with your therapy if he asked you to talk to him so he leaves alone. It would be nice if our husbands could read our minds but sometimes (simple souls they are) you have to point out to them that you need something.

[naswm]

I do try but it is so hard, I have never readlly opened up to him, and how do I tell him things that I should have done 17years ago?

[Ecmo]

show him this thread

[georgiemama]

Exactly, that would be a start. Just because you "should" have told him 17 years ago doesn't mean it is too late. He's still there and you're still hurting so it's time to talk, yes?

[naswm]

oh fuck Ecmo ho could I? If he saw all the crap I have written on here ove the years

[georgiemama]

I'm not suggesting your DH is a saint but if it's been 17 years and you're still together he must be pretty OK. Why not try - you are so unhappy, really what is there to lose?

He doesn't really have the chance at the mo because you're shutting him out (for good reason), sometimes it feels easier not to try because you run no risk of rejection, but that's no life. Let him help you.

[georgiemama]

I'm not suggesting your DH is a saint but if it's been 17 years and you're still together he must be pretty OK. Why not try - you are so unhappy, really what is there to lose?

He doesn't really have the chance at the mo because you're shutting him out (for good reason), sometimes it feels easier not to try because you run no risk of rejection, but that's no life. Let him help you.

[georgiemama]

I'm not suggesting your DH is a saint but if it's been 17 years and you're still together he must be pretty OK. Why not try - you are so unhappy, really what is there to lose?

He doesn't really have the chance at the mo because you're shutting him out (for good reason), sometimes it feels easier not to try because you run no risk of rejection, but that's no life. Let him help you.

[naswm]

I am not worried about rejection. We have been through far too much together for that, and I am not insecure in the relationship. But I do worry that it has all been based on lies

[toodles]

What about writing it all down in a letter for him?

[naswm]

that is a good idea

I did that a long while ago but never gave it to him, maybe I should again.

I will talk to my psychotherapist and see what she says

sorry, I am just feeling crap this evening

[mindfulmama]

Bless you what a hard position you are in. But you are really yrting to protectyourself from his reaction to the real you and I bet he just loves who you are for being yourself not all the other stuff. Could you get a joint appointment? I am concerned by you not feeling safe, are you thinking of harming yourself becaus eif so you should try to get help NOW, not try to manage. YOur GP sounds rubbish, can you go to the emergency DRs instead? or see a locum? they won't have any predetermined idea about you and so can just listen to whta you need.
take care
xxx

[naswm]

thanks for your nice post

We did have joint therapy a while back, but it didnt work.

My GP know exactly how I feel. I told her this afternoon. She said she wouls write to the community mental health team again about me and in the meantime to go to A&E if I needed to.

I cant do that

I am in email contact with the samaritans

but in rl, I am all alone. I feel so trapped

I know I should talk to dh but it is so hard to come out with. I am embarrassed and ashamed

[ColumboTheFormerCookieMonster]

naswm just wanted to say you're not alone. Similar history to you - just know that you've nothing to feel guilty about - the addictions and what you see as "lies" are all just self protective measures that have been useful up until now to stop you going under. If they are beginning to stop being useful, so much the better, as these kind of crutches you can do much better without. Your DP will understand. No one will judge you. Your harshest critic is yourself, or that bit of yourself that is still affected by the abuse. Don't let the bastard(s) win - the best revenge is to live well. Took me a long time to get there and to be honest still a way to go BUT no addictions and I've told DH and the part of my family that love me.

A letter would be good. You could write something now, tonight, and even if you don't give it to him to read it might be cathartic and help you feel better in the short term (like, you might feel better tonight and until you can speak to yr therapist)

Good luck and be strong. Everything is manageable. This bad feeling will pass.

[adelicatequestion]

naswm

Sorry to hear about this as you have helped me on my thread.

Take it one day at a time. It is hard when you have to take that first step, but believe me it is esier when it has been taken.

The important thing is to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up about what you "should" be doing. Just do what you feel comfortable with and if that;s a letter rather than face to face, then that may be easier.

My husband wrote me a letter and I was then able to open up a bit to him. Things may be the same for you (but in reverse!)

Take care

[mindfulmama]

Just wanted to check in this morning to see how you are doing. Good luck with today, try to do one little thing that will start to make a difference. YOu cant tackle everything at oncer, it is too huge., Try to phone your community mental health team, there may even be someone who can come to you. My DH had a real bad time a while ago and the GP just kept fobbing him off and in the end he cracked up to the CMHT and they sorted him out within a couple of days.

Take care I will try to check on you this PM

[naswm]

Thank you for the posts. Today has been hard. And yet again dh and I are dealing with things in our own ways - ie he buries his head in the sand (aka work) and I become more and more intraverted.