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Mental health

So miserable

9 replies

horsygirl · 23/06/2008 10:28

I have been sailing close to a major bout of depression for some time. Our ds is 5 months old and I have barely had a moment to myself since he was born. I breastfed him which was a real struggle, it took over my life. In fact the baby has taken over my life completely. I have a 13 year old dd from a previous relationship and she is happy and healthy.

Not helping matters is my dh who is a perfectionist. I get questioned on everything. When it comes to bringing up the baby I know nothing. He is overbearing and I am too weak to speak up for myself and tell him to let me just get on with it. Looking after the baby is a doddle now I have stopped breastfeeding - but now there are bottles and he is more involved he thinks he knows it all. I'm weaning at the moment and, coupled with the stopping breastfeeding, ds developed bad constipation. I think it was the rusk that he had had coupled with the weather being warm made his poo too hard. The pediatrician said just dilute his milk a little further, but keep feeding him if he is hungry. Dh seems to disagree, and is blaming me for his constipation and making me feed ds just prumes and milk. I know my boy and he is hungry. The constipation has passed.

All my instincts are always squashed. I have to justify everything i do for my boy and explain my reasons. It's wearing me out. I have a horse that is brilliant therapy but I haven't ridden him properly since i was 6 months pregnant. I havent ridden him at all since the baby was born. Just looking after my horse for an hour a day was time out, y'know? But i would feel too guilty to spend time with it now, my daughter looks after it along with her own pony now.

I haven't been out socially in the evening since the baby was born. It's not worth it. Husband moans so much about having to go out that I am coerced into pretending I don't want to go too. I feel like a prisoner. I'm screaming inside. In fact when my son was borm I cried every day over the breastfeeding and my husband was sympathetic but did nothing to help. He even gave me grief for trying to keep a dental appt when baby was 4 weeks old. He told the dentist I couldn't go as I had a young baby. I was dying to go to just get out of the house!

I love my baby so much. He is amazing but I can't enjoy him because I am under so much pressure. I secretly went on antidepressants because husband is into homeopathy and kept trying to give me pills to cheer me up that had no effect at all. The ADs have helped, but I still cry a lot. Yesterday dh shouted at me and insisted I cook only fresh food from scratch for the baby. I try to do this anyway but sometimes i don't have time so I give him some ellas kitchen organic puree or something.

I can't cope anymore I am a good mother but I am feeling worthless and bullied.

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laidbackinengland · 23/06/2008 10:31

Your husband sounds like a control freak I'm afraid.

Are there any things you can get out and do locally with your baby to build up a network of people that can give you positive feedback about your parenting ? I'm thinking of sure start children's centre or baby group ?

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horsygirl · 23/06/2008 10:36

Yes, I am in the nct. The antenatal group meet up once a week and take the babies swimming, its nice. We are supposed to be meeting up on sunday along with the men to have a sunday lunch at a local pub. I'm dreading it because, whilst it is normally the sort of thing I would love to do, dh will pull his face about going so I am dreading it.

It is a supreme effort even to do meet the other mums and pretend to be ok tho.

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throckenholt · 23/06/2008 10:39

just one practical suggestion - take the baby with you when you go to see the horse - he can be in a buggy or a sling - will be great stimulation for him and fresh air too - and give you something to focus on.

And tell dh what you have said here - the way you have been doesn't sound sustainable.

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throckenholt · 23/06/2008 10:40

go to the NCT meetup without DH if he doesn't want to go.

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horsygirl · 23/06/2008 10:44

I have tried telling him but he just calls me selfish. I do take ds to the horses but dh thinks it is 'dangerous' so I can't even enjoy that. I do do it sometimes tho.

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laidbackinengland · 23/06/2008 10:50

Have you got anyone in real life who you can vulnerable with and let them know how you are feeling. Was your DH controlling/putting you down in other ways before you had the baby ?

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horsygirl · 23/06/2008 11:04

Yes I suppose he was, subtly. He's never done much to help my self esteem. When I met him i used to dress fashionably and wear trendy make up and jewellery etc. He never liked that. I am fairly attractive, (people tell me very attractive!) and I know i have a good figure from all the exercise i (used) to do. I am lucky in that respect. But he has never once said I am beautiful. I feel old and ugly although I am only 36.

People are constantly telling me how amazing I am, which is weird. I don't for the life of me know why they think that. My sister says she is jealous of me - I could laugh out loud there is nothing to be jealous of - I feek dead inside, for god's sake.

He does nothing to make me feel special. I know that my happiness is not his responsibility but a little morale boost would be nice.

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laidbackinengland · 23/06/2008 11:47

Have you thought about going to see a counsellot to have a look at what is going on in your relationship and to explore your self esteem. TBH it sounds like it has been slowly eroded and that you have been left being unsure of yourself. Your GP could arrange some or you could look to see someone privately if you can afford it . It is not fulfilling to feel dead inside .