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Mental health

Anxiety rearing its ugly head again - BIG TIME

34 replies

lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 11:04

Heeellp!

I have been on citalopram 40mg for just about a year now. OVer the past few weeks i have set out deliberately to be positive and overcome my depression. Despite a major stress on Friday i managed not to go down the self pity road i often go down. It was a bit of financial overdramatics and crap advice, which has turned into something positive.

Since then, and even a few days before the anxiety is back with a vengance. I wake up literally shaking and have to hang on to DP with my eyes shut until i feel safe. I am doing loads of ridiculous health checks (finger up the bottom being the latest sorry for the TMI, just wanting to illustrate the ridiculousness of it all). Getting irritated with DD being "in my face" she is going thorugh a scrambling all over me phase. Normally i would be revelling in the cuddles but have found myself pushing her away. Im hiding on mumsnet just now .

I did have some alcohol on friday night, surely i still wouldnt be suffering because of that, alcohol usually OK for me, i dont drink much at all.

I just feel like everything is "goig too fast" and that stuff is whoosing (literally) past my head. I'm terrified. I want to take DD out but im too agitated and afraid.

I am supposed to be doing a presentation at a school on Tuesday, to have a go, see if i might like teaching for a career - maybe that is why i am scared, but i felt really positive after the meeting with my old supervisor about it.

WHATS GOING ON????? I think im pre menstural (have a marina coil and spotting)

Please help me, im trying to be positive, but im scared i'm losing the plot again.

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 11:18

anyone?? please?

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 11:32

no one there?? feel quite scared now

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idontbelieveit · 22/06/2008 11:39

hello LEM, i don't really have much advice i'm afraid but wanted to reply anyway. Can you try some breathing exercises or meditation to take the edge off? will right more but wanted to post so you had a reply.

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idontbelieveit · 22/06/2008 11:40

write more

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idontbelieveit · 22/06/2008 11:42

can you get a gp appointment for monday? Just making the appointment might make you feel better or maybe phoning a mental health helpline for a chat with someone who you can talk to about how you're feeling?

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 13:01

thanks for the reply - sunday is always a quiet day. I have just been to the park with DD and it was lovely, she made some new "friends" bless her heart. Big girls hanging out on the slide She was one of the gang.

Feel OK ish! I freaked out on the way home though, there was a drain that reminded me of the steven king film "it". I felt my stomach lurch and started hyperventiliting - how mad is that . We in one peice though, and no clowns - thank god.

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Niecie · 22/06/2008 13:18

Well done in getting out the house LEM. I used to find that if I made myself do things it helped. I don't know why - I suppose because you don't feel so down on yourself. I also know that sometimes it is impossible to do that so if you did manage it, today is a good day.

I know you have had therapy in the past but is there any possibility of doing it again? When I had some many years ago, one of the psychs did some relaxation exercises with me and they really helped. I think at the time she gave me a tape to do at home - can you get hold of something similar.

Not sure that the CBT itself helped a lot but I think it is only as good as you make it, iyswim. I didn't open up enough - too busy coping with the panicky feelings the therapy induced! However, the bit I do remember was that she told me, in the nicest possible way, to lighten up a bit. Find something fun to do and 'release the crispy bits' as the toffee crisp advert used to say (it was about 12 yrs ago so the younguns won't remember that). I enrolled in an evening class for fun - not for career or education, but to do something just because I liked doing it and it was lovely - I definitely got a bit of 'flow' going. It was a bit of a turning point for me. I wasn't 'cured' overnight - I don't think you are ever cured of panic attacks but they difinitely reduced.

The other thing that I still cart around me with is Bach's Rescue Remedy. I keep taking 4 drops of that until I start to feel better and I think it works. I don't care if it is a placebo effect - it worked where other similar alternative rememdies didn't. It isn't a cure but it might help you calm down when you need to.

I know you have been tested for a lot but have you been tested for thyroid problems? That can apparently cause agitation.

Sorry if all these things seem a bit wishy washy but there is no 'one size fits all' solution is there? I just thought I would share what helped me.

I hope you feel a bit more settled soon. Good luck on Tuesday as well.

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Amphibimum · 22/06/2008 13:24

LEM - speak to the doc again. they may need to up your dose or something for a bit.
well done for getting out - thats a really big achievement so clap yourself on the back.
hang in there kid, you know you can be fine, and you will be again. just take each hour at a time, try not to pile on the pressure.

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 13:49

i'm going to the doctors tomorrow. I can't be freaking out because of scary clowns down drains - that aint right .

I think i might have solved the riddle though. Anti histamines, been taking them this week.............. no contra idications stated but well......who knows.

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Amphibimum · 22/06/2008 14:19

oh could be. youre right, freaking out over drains is not ok, you poor thing, sounds really stressful. glad youre getting to the doc... are they usually good? hope so. best of luck.

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lucsnowe · 22/06/2008 14:20

I really sympathise- I get incredibly anxious for different reasons- torture myself with thoughts of terrible accidents etc. I really find that sane adult company helps- can you get together with a friend more often, even if it means pushing yourself forward? Or just text or call a friend if the thoughts are descending on you? I find that that helps me just to re-gain a sensible perspective on things. I know your anxiety is more serious than mine, but try to remember and keep reminding yourself that you are creating a lot of the thoughts and that they hold no substance or basis in reality.

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woodward · 22/06/2008 14:56

Hope you're feeling better. ive had awful problems with anxiety and depression in the past.....supermarkets freaked me out. Talk to your gp...i took betablockers which really helped and also had cognitive behavioral therapy. Dont leave the gp's until you feel you have a plan of action, there's lots of help out there

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 21:05

Thanks ladies. DP has been an arse today so that hasn't helped - stupid man!

REgarding the doctors, the problem is, i don't honestly think they will take me seriously unless i go in there dribbling and threatening mass murder. Ive told them ive felt suicidal and was told that i can't rely on ADs for ever and i should try and take responsibility for myself . Lately, i have managed to keep on top of the depression. I know it will always be there but i need to live my life so im trying not to dwell. But the anxiety just takes hold of me, i can't stop it. It comes out of the blue. Not even full on anxiety attacks (had a few of those now) more a sense of impending doom, associated with heightened irritability. Today i had to travel to town in the car with my eyes shut, just to focus on not freaking out - DP said "don't worry DD, mummy is sulking" FFS! what a twank.

I do feel worse when i know DP not around during the day, he was working in london yesterday so i was in a bad way. Its pathetic, i find myself ringing and texting all day, i'd stopped doing this.

How do i get the doctors to listen? Im not a danger to myself, or my DD, but i don;t want to go on feeling like this? I feel like i have been chucked on ADs and abandoned.

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SalVolatile · 22/06/2008 21:10

Hi LEM, you sound exactly like my sister who took ADs for two years before her thyroid packed up. When you see GP ASK for a blood test to rule it out. It's quite simple for him to do. Prolonged irrational anxiety is a sign of thyroid problems. (Lots of MNers on here know much much more than me about it though)

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 21:48

Sal, i have thoguht about this, i am pretty tired most of the time and have a bit of a facial hair problem (its not PCOS, ive been scanned). Also overweight, itchy eyes [could be hayfever though[ i just dont want to pitch up at the doctors saying look i think i have underactive thyroid and have them say, have you been at google again! i feel agitated with it though, surely that is more a sign of over active thyroid, but definately no BP or fast pusle.

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GooseyLoosey · 22/06/2008 21:55

LEM - I too suffer from accute anxiety and it can sneak up for no reason at all. GP prescribed Valium as a kind of emergency measure and I find if it all seems overwhelming, I take a couple and it really helps. This is not something to be done frquently (i take them about 1x a month), but as a kind of "rescue remedy" it does work.

I don't know what triggers your anxiety, but one of the things that sometimes works for me is to recognise that I am shit scared, tell myself that there is nothing I can do about it in that moment and that, if necessary, I will think about it somemore and deal with it later. It does actually get me through the moment sometimes.

If you don't want to go to your GP (and I so understand that), is there any way that you could afford to have the thyroid test done privately?

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lucyellensmum · 22/06/2008 22:03

i could get it tested at the vets i used to work at i guess. but not sure if i want to compare my T4 levels with a dog . I think i will go to the doctors and just say that a friend of mine thought i might be hypothyroid. I can't really see it though. Looking back, i think i have been affected by this for a long time. I remember being obsessed with feeling DD1s glands, when she was about 7, one day i must have done it about 30 times on the way to school - christ, that was insane!! That was over ten years ago. I was convinced i had Aids. Ive lost count of the times ive planned my funeral. Funnily enough, at the moment, my fear just seems to be fear for no reason, all the physical and psychological manifestations but no reason. I do have stuff going on, but i dont seem to be stressing about that. What a bloody basket case .

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GooseyLoosey · 22/06/2008 22:11

Ahh - you suffer from health anxiety too! I lurch from one crisis to another and have probably made my health much worse by my fears. It is truley terrifying though and, if you are anything like me, going to the GP has become an utterly humiliating experience.

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lucyellensmum · 23/06/2008 08:42

my old doctor was quite understanding, he would often have to phone me on DPs request to persuade me i didnt have a deadly disease.

My new doctor is lovely too, but she is on maternity leave - the locum is a BITCH!

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GooseyLoosey · 23/06/2008 10:22

Is there no one else in the practice you can see? My GP is lovely too - its the receptionists who scare me as I'm sure they think I am barking mad. I have lost count also of the ailments I have thought I have had and if I explained to someone what it is like, it would actually sound funny, but it is not! Keep away from Google - but then you know that don't you, you can self diagnose with any disease known to man.

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lucyellensmum · 23/06/2008 11:08

sometimes it is funny though, in retrospect. I first realised that i was probably not well when i presented myself at the surgery practically hysterical, id found lumps in my throat - they were my tonsils .

I have an appointment for thursday with a nice doctor. Hopefully she will take me seriously. I'm not about to jump off a bridge or stick pins in my eyes, but i dont want to feel like this anymore.

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GooseyLoosey · 23/06/2008 14:39

Good luck. Hope it all goes well on Thurs. When I can pluck up the courage to see my very nice GP, it does usually make me feel better!

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lucyellensmum · 23/06/2008 18:40

bloody bloody bloody hell - i am supposed to be doing this school thing tomorrow. Totally OK about that, but have to be driven by someone other than DP and im terrified. Feeling guilty each time i do something with DD in case its the last time I don't want to let this get the better of me but it is intrinsically selfish in the extreme to be thikning about this when i could be killed in a car accident for the sake of doing something that isn't going to benefit DD anyway.

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lucyellensmum · 23/06/2008 19:53

bumping

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cafebistro · 23/06/2008 21:01

hi again (i was woodward yesterday) hope you're feeling ok.Are you planning on going to see your gp? Luckily mine was very sympathetic though i had long history of depression before anxiety reared its ugly head...i do think they feed off each other.Its worth asking about betablockers i was on propanalol hydrochloride, theres nothing mind altering in them like antidepressants they control your blood pressure and heart rate and therefore stop or reduce the effects of the panic attack.

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