Have PND and due back at work soon, don't feel I can cope going back. ANY ADVICE?

[wakeupaustralia]

Hello, I've had PND with both of my children and have been on Citalopram for about 4 months. I was doing ok (relatively, for me!)until a few weeks ago when I had to speak to my boss about returning to work. It is all set for me to return 4 days a week in late July. Since that discussion I've really gone downhill - my depression has returned badly and I feel like I did before I started taking the pills. I don't feel that I can cope going back to work and it's going to tip me over the edge. I don't think they even want me to come back and they have had a brilliant person doing my job while I've been on leave, so I'm sure they would be happy for me to resign. However, I cannot afford to resign. I think I need to postpone my return to work somehow. Has anyone done this? Surely pnd is a legitimate reason to go on sick leave? But then it all starts getting v. complicated and HR starts getting involved. Really do not know what I'm going to do about this ...

Sorry for the very not-to-the-point rant but I'm not thinking very clearly.

any advice would be welcomed...
Thanks

[lackaDAISYcal]

I'm off on sick leave straight from the holidays I took at the end of my ML. reason is also PND....which interestingly is also AND as I got unexpectedly pregnant . Gp is happy to sign me off until mext ML due to start (will be 14 weeks in total i'll have been signed off.

Boss and HR none too happy, and i feel guilty, but as everyone keeps telling me, my health and that of my baby are more important than work.

Do what you feel is right for you, but do see the GP and also keep your boss informed. It'll be far easier for them to get cover beofre you have started back than for you to go back for a few weeks, have a meltdown and then go off sick.

Take Care of yourself.

xx

[gigglewitch]

Can only speak (ok, type) from experience. Also had pnd with two dc. i felt that for me, not going back would feel even more like failure and i had enough of that going on already - but i did have 9 months off each time. I had a fabulously understanding boss whose wife had also had pnd, which made the whole thing lots easier. I went back Very very part-time, two days a week at first and increasing to three when i felt ready.
Know also lots of people who have postponed their return to work - it is really quite simple as you just get a note from the doctor, check if i'm correct but you used to be able to get a few more weeks mat pay if you were off with pnd; otherwise you will straightforwardly go to normal sick pay.
please keep posting, all will become clear eventually. Just remember that no two of us are the same, and when you get a hunch what will be right for you then go with it.

[wakeupaustralia]

Oh thanks so much for responding this late. It's extremely helpful to know I am not the only one who has been in this situation. I'm not very keen on the idea of telling my boss though - she is a very high achiever with 2 children of her own and I can't see her being understanding of my inability to cope. I just feel as if I'm being pushed reluctantly off a cliff right now. I keep having sickening visions of getting on the Tube on the morning of my return and then walking down the corridor at work and opening the door to see a whole lot of people I don't like much and who don't like me. Sorry for all the negativity. I've made an appt with my gp for next week and she is excellent and supportive, so maybe I can talk to her about signing me off for a while. I feel very awkward asking her to do that though - how did it come up with your gp's? Did you ask them to do it, or did they suggest it?

[wakeupaustralia]

By the way lackadaisical, congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope that you are feeling better soon. And you too gigglewitch, hope you are getting better - sounds like you are, which is fantastic.

[lackaDAISYcal]

wakeup...just remember it's not just an inability to cope; it's a hormonal imbalance that needs to put right before you can function normally again. I think it's quite sad that in today's society having PND is still perceived as a weakness and something that should be hidden away.

And try to keep in mind, that we do what we can as parents to get us through it.

gigglewitch's experience is good though; maybe you can arrange to go back a couple of days initialli and then build up to the hours that you have agreed on. I'm sure they would rather have you back on those terms and coping than back nealry full time and struggling.

I should also say that, for me, i had been very unhappy in my job for a very long time so not going back hasn't bothered me too much. I am planning on not going back at all now after my next ML (I'm trying not to feel guilty about the surrent off sick/straight to mat leave as we need the money), partly due to hating the job, partly because childcare for two babies plus wrap around care for my school age DS will set us back nearlt £20K per year. I'm now looking at things I can do to bring in a bit extra, like Usbourne books, signing up as a baby sign language tutor and a real nappy business. I feel more upbeat and confidence about those things than being a structural engineer ever again and my life is starting to have some meaning again.

Good Luck with the doctor and keep us posted

[solo]

wakeup, I'd like to bet that your high achiever, mum of 2 boss has no real worries and a live in nanny...bosses like that aren't of this world. They have no real idea about the likes of us normal people, so get yourself off to your doc's and see what support you can get there, then put you and your family first and make your decision as to what will make you feel better and happier.
I took a career break. Along with childcare costs and a debilitating disease, I knew I couldn't cope back there for a while. I'm considering extending it for a further 4 years too. I love being a mum and know I can't repeat this experience. I missed it with my Ds. I often suffer from depression(for other reason's, though I had AND with Ds)and it can take over your whole life, so removing one of your worries can make all the difference. Good luck, I know you'll be fine

[wakeupaustralia]

I feel very anxious about starting the process going to go on sick leave. It's going to mean lots of talking and explaining and being assessed. And then they might say I'm just faking it and should go back to work. Lacka... you are right about my boss - her and her hub both lawfirm partners, undoubtedly on many hundreds of K a year and have houskeeper/nanny. But she's totally got her stuff together too, very organised confident person. If I go back to work and pay for a nanny I'm going to end up with £30 a day left over after I pay travel and lunch and nanny tax. Is that worth it? No it isn't, but I can't afford to resign as even £30 a day would help financially and I can't afford to pay back any maternity allowance. I have really managed to get myself into a bloody tight spot here. And then this makes me worry that they will think I'm just going on sick leave so that I don't have to work but will still be paid. I've really got a massive chip on my shoulder about people thinking things like that about me that are not true.

[lackaDAISYcal]

wakeup...I know exactly how you feel; I 'd only just found out I was pregnant, was feeling awful, both physically and emotionally, and was terrified about what people would think. I'd stopped taking my ADs as well (didn't want to be hurting baby) and my mind was just mush.

But, I went to see the doctor, talked everything over with him and he agreed that my health was far more important than work. My DH than called work to explain what had been happening and they have been great about it tbh. I'm sure they are pissed off, but all my communication with them has been friendly and I get regular emails from colleagues chatting about things at work and asking how i am.

I think they know I won't be back as they sent me some stuff of mine that was found lurking in a drawer that would've waited if I was coming back in the next couple of weeks, but they haven't mentioned anything.

I think the depression can cloud our judgement and make us worry about things that perhaps aren't there, or that aren't as extreme as we think. And although your high flying boss seems to have it all; I'm pretty sure she can remember the more vulnerable side of being a parent and will be supportive.

I'm not sure about the HR side of things tbh. I was on holiday before my sick leave, so was on full pay for a bit, but am going down to SSP soon. Do you have any accrued holiday from your maternity leave? Could you maybe arrange to take this to give you a bit more breathing space? There are a few HR bods on here; maybe start a thread in Employment issues asking for advice? flowerybeanbag is very clued up on all this stuff.

All that aside, just remeber that you are the most important person in all of this, your family second and work comes in a very poor third. Getting yourself well is the number one priority!

Take care

daisy xx

[wakeupaustralia]

Daisy, does that mean that your colleagues know why you are on SL? I don't feel comfortable with any of mine knowing, because of the social stigma though agree that there shouldn't be a sigma. Fact is though, there is.

Many thanks daisy (and solo for you comments before). You give very helpful advice. Yes I do have some annual leave built up I could use, so that's an option. Thanks for the tip about starting an employemnt thread as hadn't thought to do that.

Hope it all turns out well for you.

[solo]

Just a thought. Am I right in thinking that they changed the rules a while ago about mat pay? I'm sure that it doesn't have to be paid back now. Does anyone know for sure? I'll see if I can find out.

[solo]

OK, I got this from Ask Baby.com

My employer gives extra maternity pay. Do I have to repay it if I don't go back to work?

If your employer has given you extra (contractual) maternity pay you only have to repay it if that was agreed in advance or specifically stated in your maternity policy. You only ever have to repay the extra contractual pay, never the SMP part of your maternity pay. SMP is 90% of your wages for 6 weeks and £117.18 per week for the remaining weeks (or 90% of your average earnings if this is less) and is yours to keep whether you go back or not.

[lackaDAISYcal]

solo, i think wakesup's query is what happens with the additional maternity pay if she gets signed off sick, rather than decides not to go back at all...is that right wakesup?

I'm pretty sure it won't make a difference as your contract of employment hasn't stopped so contractual benefits shouldn't....but I'd ask for some more clued up advice.

[solo]

They can't take that back if you are off sick anyway surely? as you are still employed by them. I'm sure they can't.

[lackaDAISYcal]

that's my thinking solo

[wakeupaustralia]

My contract is that if I resign within 6 months from the end of my ML they can make me pay back the extra mat allowance I got on top of SMP, which is a fair bit. I don't think I have to pay back any of the SMP. As you say solo and daisy, if I go on sick leave I am technically still employed so I doubt I would have to pay it back (unless I went on to resign within the 6 month period), though I haven't given this side of it much thought - seems like an HR nightmare. God, I can't believe I'm going down this route!

[gigglewitch]

sounds like a bit of a fix you're in - but sure it will get resolved sooner or later, in your favour. look at the other side of your contract on mat leave and pay - i.e. how many weeks you have to return for after your mat leave in order to keep your money. In my case it was 13 weeks [3 months, obv] but during that time i was entitled to use my accrued paid leave. Thus the two days off each week as i explained (much) earlier in this thread. As far as i was concerned, i have to say after DS2 I was only going back for that three month period - that i stayed after that was down to the support I got. I couldn't have faced any of it without the day-at-a-time mentality that I got and the brainwashing i gave myself to only have to go back for a few weeks.
At the end of the day you have to look after yourself, and like the others say find out whether sick leave counts as 'employment' or not ...sorry i'm not expaining what i mean very well, what i mean is that if you return to work for one day and then go off sick [i know it sounds manipulative] it is treated differently from going for extended mat leave / sick directly from mat leave. sorry if this lot is muddled, i'll try to explain it better if you can't make head or tail of it

nocturnal posting is probably not my best point

[oneplusone]

I was in the same situation after i had DD nearly 5 years ago. I had nearly a year off on ML, but had severe undiagnosed PND and also a severe medical condition which meant I couldn't contemplate going back to work. I remember worrying about having to work a month's notice and then resigning so I didn't have to pay back the maternity pay (which had long been spent). In the end I went to my GP who signed me off for a month and I resigned at the same time and didn't have to pay back any mat pay.

I was a lawyer but worked for the civil service at the time. I know if i had worked in private practise they would never have been so understanding about my resigning and being signed off sick etc.

I would say put your health FIRST over and above any financial considerations. No amount of money can buy your health back if you compromise it by going back to work when you're not ready. And your state of health impacts on your whole family so it is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

I have learnt this from experience and am only just now recovering from the post birth illness I developed nearly 5 years ago.