Childhood abuse that has been kept secret for years. Please talk to me.

[Upsydaisy1]

Is there anyone out there that can help me, although I don't really want to go into too much detail here.

My beloved DH told me last year that he had suffered sexual abuse between the ages of eight and fifteen. He had kept it concealed for 30 years! He has also suffered the most dreadful physical and emotional abuse of which I've known about for years.

Since this all came to light life has gone from bad to worse and he has left me and our beautiful dcs, 4 and 1. He is in a bad way and I am just devestated by the situation we now find ourselves in. I just don't know which way to turn. Until last year we had a wonderful life together, been together since we were in our teens and we were the envy of all who knew us. Obviously those that know he has gone don't know the real reason and must never know, which apart from my mum leaves me no-one else to talk to.

As I sit here typing this I can't stop crying for my broken little family and I really am hoping that there is someone out there who hs either experienced a similar situation or has an understanding of it.

I seem to spend all day being keeping it together for the children or at work or when I see dh and then when the children go to bed I am alone with my thoughts and tears!

[Heathcliffscathy]

I am so sorry. I really am. Abuse shatters lives and reverberates down the generations. Keep talking here, and consider getting some RL counselling to help you through this horrendous time. My heart goes out to you.

[Heathcliffscathy]

You haven't said why he has gone. Is it possible he feels a dreadful shame now that you know? This can be worked through it really can.

[forevercleaning]

oh so sorry to read this. How long since he went?

Do you think its because he needs to get his head round things. Also abuse victims can feel very ashamed of whats happpend and of course none of it is their fault but they are made to feel that way.

Perhaps he cannot face the family at the moment.

I do hope things soon work out for you. In the meantime, keep posting x

[laidbackinengland]

You poor thing. Hopefullt someone will be along wit some direct experience to help you - I have done some training in this area and suggest you or your DH contact this organisation www.survivorsuk.org/...they are really knowledgeable andmight be able to help you both ? Good luck.

[Heathcliffscathy]

Great organisation. Do consider accessing them.

[adelicatequestion]

I am also facing this with myself - have a read of my thread on psychotherapy.

I feel as though my DH will be better off without me. I am angry and take it out on him. There have been many times when I have felt so smothered by stress and just want to be on my own.

Maybe he feels like this. I can;t obviously speak for him and no nothing of the situation, but just be there for him for whatever he needs.

[Upsydaisy1]

DH confided in me just after the birth of our second child Apr 2007 but I thought we had got through it together and that he was coming to terms with it. We talked and cried together. I listened to him and made no judgement or opinion of him. I reassured him that none of it was his fault that my feelings had not changed towards him and that I was so proud of the man he had become inspite of the worse start in life that any child could experience. I suggested professional help but he didn't want to go down that road and I respected his decision and didn't want to push the matter.

Late summer I put his stress and distance down to pressure of work. Unfortunately I ended up with PND and anxiety attacks by December. I became unreasonable at times and not supportive of his job for example if he had to go away I would create! In the end he felt that I was controling and that my behaviour made him feel as he did as a child when his step dad would bully him.

I did got to see my gp and got help to overcome my own problems but he was sinking further and further. I was so desperate about the state of our relationship that I tried to talk to him constantly and he saw this as pressure and manipulation. In the end he left.

It makes no sense to me though because all his stuff is here. He is here all the time that he is not at work. He rings me, texts me and we had a great weekend with the children. He just won't share a bed with me or stay in our home at night.

He is paranoid that I am going to meet someone else or that something is already going on but he couldn't be further from the truth.

[Heathcliffscathy]

Upsi, i don't know, but it may be that sex and intimacy are very difficult for him atm. it sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you but can't sleep with you (sex wise or in a bed with you). given his past, this is understandable if he is dealing with stuff that is coming up. he really really needs help.

[Upsydaisy1]

You are right he really does need help because it is almost as if he is confusing his past with the present. He has said that he is no longer in love with me but I feel that this is more a statement as to how he feels about himself. If you don't like yourself how can you possibly love anyone else or think that you are worthy of love iyswim.

Yes he has intimacy problems and every couple of weeks we get physically close, all led by him of course and he has said that it is like he is testing the water so to speak to see if he is managing to conquer some of his demons. It hasn't been very successful so far but the closeness has been there.

It is all such a mess and I know what I have to do to maximise the chances of my family being reconciled but it is so difficult and my emotions, feelings, patience and strength are put to the test every single day. I am so tired trying to hold everything together here. We are all he has yet it hurts like hell that when he leaves here he goes back to the woman that brought a pervert into their home, turned a blind eye to what was going on and has tried to justify herself to me by saying that worse things have happened to children! Yes girls, his mother!! A woman who has failed in the most important part of motherhood - to protect her children.

[Heathcliffscathy]

it's not almost as if. it is. his past is massively affecting his present and his relationship with you. this is not about you.

i know that doesn't make things any easier, but i believe that it could be the truth given what you have said.

[Upsydaisy1]

sophable you are so right in what you say. The trouble is if someone won't seek professional help how do they go about unraveling this terrible mess. I saw him this morning and he seems distant, tired and cold. Yet at the weekend, he was warm, kind and seemed at peace. The emotional roller coaster is just dreadful, for him and me. I never know what he's going to be like when he walks through the door.

I am trying to hang on but I am not sure how many months of this I can take. My heart is broken and he just doesn't seem capable of doing anything to help himself heal. He also can't make the jump either back into family life properly or to pack up and leave.

Despite everything that he is going through and I can't imagine what he must feel to have walked away (kind of!) I do think you have everything here waiting for you and you just can't see it. He is so self absorbed and selfish that he can't or doesn't want to see the pain he is putting the rest of us through.

I really need some coping strategies to cope with his behaviour.

[loopylou6]

UD, i feel really sad for you. I also feel sad for your husband, he shouldnt of had to experiance what he did, BUT he ahs no right to be treating you like this now, he needs to decide what he wants, it sounds to me like he has you dangling on a string, he tells you hes not in love with you, but he is paranoid you will meet someone else? I honestly think you need to tell him that you will give him a month or so to sort his head out and decide if he wants to be with you and the children completely not sloping in and out, OR he leaves, for good. (obviously explain he will still see the children when ever he wants) This is not good for you, you need closure one way or the other, he either needs to go back to being your husband or he needs to set you free, either way, although i feel for him, his past is no excuse to treat you the way he is treating you. HTH.

[laidbackinengland]

Upsy - I wonder if you start getting some support whether it will set an example for him. If you contact survivors (website I suggested yesterday) they will offer you support and might suggest ways of getting your DH to open up.

[laidbackinengland]

Upsy - I wonder if you start getting some support whether it will set an example for him. If you contact survivors (website I suggested yesterday) they will offer you support and might suggest ways of getting your DH to open up.

[Upsydaisy1]

Thanks for your messages. After having a nice weekend I can honestly say that this week so far has been crap. He has become moody, selfish and is only interested in how a situation affects him.

Our dc had his jabs yesterday, made him sick and a rash appeared - was very poorly. Out of hours doctor sent ambulance and DH took dc to hospital to get checked out. When DH came home with dc he put him to bed and left to go back to his mothers. Last night he was needed here and he run away again. I am not sure how much of this I can put up with.

I am not the person who abused him. He is allowing his past to consumer him. He is tbh treating me like dirt, he has dropped all our friends, takes no notice of our families especially his brother, and now his own needs are coming before the dcs. What on earth do I do now?

I am to frightened to give him an ultimatum as with his frame of mind as it is he is likely to give me the answer I really don't want to hear. He is on self destruct and I have tried all angles to bring him round without any success at all. He just can't see what everyone else sees that he has waiting for him at home.

I was going to contact survivors last night and try to talk it through with someone but obviously couldn't. I will try again tonight if I get some peace. I am at my wits end now and feel like running away myself.

[Upsydaisy1]

Sorry for tyoing errors - been up all night with dc 4 and now dc 1 full of beans. All I want to do is sleep!

[pagwatch]

The trouble is that when you are abused you can end up blaming yourself and loosing any sense of self worth at all.
You feel as if you are toxic - that you contaminate everything and that can make you push people away.
He sounds angry too and has no means of retaliating. When I feel like that I have tended to take it out on those closest to me.

He needs help. To be honest you could do with some help too.

One thing that triggered me really really badly was seeing my daughter reach the age where my abuse started. have any of his children now reached the same age ?

I finally sought some counselling when that happened because it was like the thing that broke the damn on all my memories. maybe that is where he is ?

[Upsydaisy1]

I think the trigger for this was that 3 weeks after the birth of our second dc the bastard who is responsible made contact! Can you believe it? I suppose at a time when emotions were running high for us it opened the floodgates and this is where we are at. I still don't know how to encourage him to get the help that we all know he so desperately needs.

[adelicatequestion]

I don;t really know what to say except that was the time it all hit me and DH - after our DT were born.

I got very depressed - he had an affair.

Not the way to sort things out. Just keep supporting him and encouraging him to get help but at some point you will have to think of yourself and he may hae to decide what he wants.

Is he usually a good decision maker. Will he make a decision if he needs to?

My Dh couldn't make a decision - he was always scared it would be the wriong one, so never made one and it made my life hell hanging around and with hindsight I should have just made it for him instead of waiting the 3 years for him to make it.

Hope it's quicker for you.

[Upsydaisy1]

Well, I contacted an organisation called NAPAC (National Association for People abused in Childhood) They were really helpful and spoke at length to me about everything that is going on at the moment. I have been advised to get myself some counselling to help me through this as it is likely that if he doesn't get some help himself things could get worse.

I decided to talk to him at the weekend. All he did was cry - it was very distressing to watch but I still can't get him to realise that he is on a downward spiral, taking us all with him. And he still keeps putting his walking out on our marriage due to my behaviour due to the depression. He won't acknowledge that when I felt that things my PND and axiety were becoming a problem I sought help, counselling and medication. The fact that from the day he confided in me I've watched him deteriorate is something he just won't see. It is truly heartbreaking to see someone you love in this state.

He is so confused and it's incredibly painful to stand by and watch him make a move that I am sure will lead to him living a life full of regret and unhappiness.

I am not sure that his mother is being of any real support. She is woman who is imature and irresponsible. She is in no position to help and guide him through this and I am not sure what her agenda is, as he seems worse when he has spent time with her. She fails to take any responsibility for what has happened and there is something about her I just don't trust.

I am really beginning to struggle with this now as his constant blowing hot and cold, depressed one minute, fairly ok the next. I just don't know what to do. He put his arms round me on Saturday and said thank you for caring, but on Sunday had a go at me telling me that he is not mad (something I've never implied) and that his abusive childhood is only a small part of the reason our marriage is where it is. Only a small number of his close family know about his past and what is truly going on and even they can't see that he has any grounds for walking out on his family.

He says that he doesn't like himself, feels dirty and guilty. Can't sleep, doesn't eat and has lost an awful lot of weight.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I handle him now as he is about to leave his mothers house thank goodness, and move into a room in a house at the end of next week?

I am so worried for him and my little family. We have two dcs 4 and 1 and I am desperate that they don't end up losing their dad.

[Upsydaisy1]

Well, I contacted an organisation called NAPAC (National Association for People abused in Childhood) They were really helpful and spoke at length to me about everything that is going on at the moment. I have been advised to get myself some counselling to help me through this as it is likely that if he doesn't get some help himself things could get worse.

I decided to talk to him at the weekend. All he did was cry - it was very distressing to watch but I still can't get him to realise that he is on a downward spiral, taking us all with him. And he still keeps putting his walking out on our marriage due to my behaviour due to the depression. He won't acknowledge that when I felt that things my PND and axiety were becoming a problem I sought help, counselling and medication. The fact that from the day he confided in me I've watched him deteriorate is something he just won't see. It is truly heartbreaking to see someone you love in this state.

He is so confused and it's incredibly painful to stand by and watch him make a move that I am sure will lead to him living a life full of regret and unhappiness.

I am not sure that his mother is being of any real support. She is woman who is imature and irresponsible. She is in no position to help and guide him through this and I am not sure what her agenda is, as he seems worse when he has spent time with her. She fails to take any responsibility for what has happened and there is something about her I just don't trust.

I am really beginning to struggle with this now as his constant blowing hot and cold, depressed one minute, fairly ok the next. I just don't know what to do. He put his arms round me on Saturday and said thank you for caring, but on Sunday had a go at me telling me that he is not mad (something I've never implied) and that his abusive childhood is only a small part of the reason our marriage is where it is. Only a small number of his close family know about his past and what is truly going on and even they can't see that he has any grounds for walking out on his family.

He says that he doesn't like himself, feels dirty and guilty. Can't sleep, doesn't eat and has lost an awful lot of weight.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I handle him now as he is about to leave his mothers house thank goodness, and move into a room in a house at the end of next week?

I am so worried for him and my little family. We have two dcs 4 and 1 and I am desperate that they don't end up losing their dad.