DH is desperate and I can't bring myself to help him - PLEASE PLEASE HELP

[NeedyW]

Name changer, regular etc.
Sorry longer than I meant it to be.

DH has been depressed for about 6 months. This is the first time he has ever been down - he is usually an optimistic, happy person.

He finally went to the GP a couple of months ago and has been getting counselling (he didn't want ADs to affect his ability to work).

A couple of weeks ago he got very drunk and said some unbelievably horrible, personal things to me in front of a group of his friends. I collapsed into tears, in front of everyone and he laughed at me. When I couldn't take the humilitation anymore I ran out into the night - I didn't know the area at all and just kept running. He didn't follow me and I eventually found the place where we were staying. He didn't come home until the early hours and then slept on the sofa. The next morning he wasn't sorry for what he had done and told me he had felt nothing when he watched me cry. I want to add that we are in our thirties and have been together 10 years, so none of this is normal behaviour for us.

This may sound a little unbelievable but the few weeks before this night had been brilliant. We had been close in a way neither of us had felt in years - he agrees. He seemed so much better. I was doing everything I could to support him and make his life easier. It was all so good.

For 24 hours after the incident he wasn't sorry at all. Then suddenly he said he felt awful and would do anything to make it up to me. That he realised he loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me. That although he had meant the horrible things he said, when he said them, that he didn't think them anymore. That he would make it up to me. That he would move heaven and earth to make me happy...

Then the next day, when I was still sad (I was apparently supposed to wake up all better), he left me.

Only to change his mind again half an hour later and beg forgiveness again. Saying he just thought his life would be easier without me and the kids.

I have a history of manic depression. I was doing so well and now I feel so low.

We talked everything through and agreed to stay together, we spoke to a relate counsellor who suggested some communication techniques. He has started taking ADs and it is currently making his symptoms worse. He called me from work on Friday asking for support and I gave him everything he needed, talking him through all his worries and calming him down. I had been having a really rough day myself, but he needed me. Then he asked how I was and I told him I was feeling low myself. He said he was sorry but he had to go back to work.

He sent a text later thanking me for my support, but didn't ask how I was.

I've asked him to demonstrate in some real way how he feels about me. I feel like he has just been playing with my emotions. He just sits there and says he's sorry and does nothing. I am so sick of giving and getting nothing back. He says he is so sorry for not being there for me, and yet he still isn't.

Am I being unutterably selfish? Should I just be writing this off as "He is sick"?

I feel like I'm getting down and it's not fair, I was doing so well!

I don't know what to do

Please help.

[NotABanana]

I really should be bale to help a I have been depressed for years and on Ad's on and off for years, but I really don't know what to say.

Bump for someone who does.

[fawkeoff]

no i really dont think you are being selfish at all......he may have depression but it doesn't give him the excuse to hurt you does it??????

[ShowOfHands]

Has he seen a psychiatric team? Is it clinical depression ie not bipolar or otherwise? Has a mental health professional properly assessed him? How long has he been on the ADs? His sudden mood changes and impulsive actions are symptomatic of his depression but that depression has to be properly diagnosed and medicated for what it is. What about the counselling? Is he still seeing somebody?

You are not unutterably selfish. You need support but unfortunately he doesn't sound in a place to offer that to you. Do you get support from elsewhere?

I'm sorry it's so hard for you atm.

[NeedyW]

He's only seen his counsellor AFAIK, he has a diagnosis of clinical depression. He's only been on ADs since he got so angry, so this period of being worse was expected.

Sadly his counsellor has just retired and he's waiting to be re-allocated to someone.

I have no one to talk to. New to area, a long way from friends and family. I have tried to talk to people on the phone but I feel like such a failure.

I just want to run away right now, far and fast.

I wish the depression was an excuse though fawkeoff, it would be so much easier to pretend that the nasty thing that hurt me so much was not my DH.

[Chocolatedays]

Deep depression is a dark and dank hole where you don't care for yourself let alone those around you. My take on this is he is very ill and - though I completely understand you want some support back - it is not something he is able to give you at the moment - I suspect he is doing all he can to hold it together (even if he doesn't seem to be together at all). He is sick but I do not think it is a matter of "just writing this off" - if he was suffering from a severe physical condition you would not right it off. He needs to get further clinical help - with this he can get through this.

I think you both need help and support - and in particular you need support from elsewhere. You say you have a family history of bipolar - is there someone in you family you can turn to who understands the condition?

[ShowOfHands]

Alcohol and depression is a heady and dangerous combination. It was a horrid, disgusting and humiliating thing you suffered but should not be considered an example of his true feelings. He was not in control.

You are not a failure at all. You are lonely and confused and crying out for some support.

His ADs need time to work and he needs to find support from outside of your marriage. Putting this on you is pushing you down at a time when you also need support. Can you push for the counselling to be sorted ASAP and meanwhile find some strategies to get through the next few weeks/months? You can't address your marital issues (if there even are any once the depression is managed) until he and you are stable. One strategy is to get him to stop drinking for a while, it will not help his depression.

I don't know what ages your children are? Can you meet other mums through toddler groups or schools for example? Can you invite family to visit? Are you close to your Mum or do you have a good female friend who can come and offer you shoulder for a while?

[NeedyW]

I don't have a family history, I have a personal history of bipolar. It has completely torn me apart over the past 6 years and I can feel myself teetering on the edge of the abyss.

I know exactly what he is going through and I do understand. I have tried to help him despite his constant accusations and blaming me for all of it. I let him, because I thought he needed things to be my fault instead of his and I was feeling strong enough to ignore it all.

I know he is so sad, but I am terrified of what awaits me in the next few weeks. I'm already finding it impossible to leave the house unless for work.

My family are lovely but don't understand it at all. My mother just talks about how my dad gets sad sometimes, and that it'll get better.

I feel as though he has sabotaged everything. I was helping him, he was getting better, I was strong enough. And now I feel as though he has kicked the legs from under me.

I know people to talk to, but no close friends. There's no one who can come to support me (I really am that far away from everyone)

Yes, I should support him, but how? How do I find the strength to do it?

He has stopped drinking and promises never to drink to excess again, and I do believe him and am proud of him for doing this.

If I'm honest I am livid at him at the moment.

See? I'm a horrible person.

[ShowOfHands]

You're not horrible. Are you currently on any medication? Is the bipolar controlled?

[NeedyW]

Not currently on medication. Tend to have manic episodes every three years (last was last year) and severe depression every year for a few months (last ended last summer on ADs).

I don't feel as though I am entering a manic episode, but I do feel as though I am getting depressed.

I have made such huge progress with my depression since last year - using positive thinking techniques and dealing with self-esteem issues - and now I feel so cheated that all it took was one horrible weekend to put me so far back.

How can I help him when I need help?

I am honestly terrified, and am being completely honest about my selfishness on here in a way that I couldn't be in RL.

[Threadwormm]

Can you find it in you to forgive yourself and forgive him in the same impulse? Caring for someone with depression is so hard, because they can seem so unable to help themselves, so wilfully destructive. You boh have the double burden of coping with your own depression, and coping with your partner's.

It is too much for both of you. You need all the help you can get. But meanwhile, be kind to yourself and one another.

I speak as a sufferer from depression. It is so hard to be constructive, I know.

[NeedyW]

I have forgiven him, sort of, perhaps not completely. I told him that I forgave him but that he would have to rebuild the damage he has done. He said that he would put me first, I cautioned him that his depression wouldn't let him, but he assured me that this was the break through he needed.

Forgiving myself - much too hard . I am trying though.

So far? Well he bought me chocolates and flowers. And as long as I am acting normally he can cope, but the second I feel vulnerable or hurt and need reassurance he just seems to crumble in front of me.

I'm not going to get what I need from him anytime soon, am I? He has major communication issues and won't talk to any of his friends or family about this, he'll barely talk to me and his counsellor.

I think maybe I need to get away for a bit - how and where are more of a problem .

[NeedyW]

.

[DRESSMEUP]

i really can relate to you. my husband is on ad. when he is 'having a low day' he is really hard work, also saying things to me that are hurtfull. if i get upset, he says he feels guilty and that maybe i should be with someone that can give me what i deserve this really hurts. i also have tried talking things through. what ad has he been prescribed?

[fizzbuzz]

Oh depression is so awful. A state of nothingness...I think that is what he is expressing, total emptiness. It can make people catatonic when it is really bad

I kn ow this doesn't help ypou. Which ad's is he on? The ssri's can send you odd in the first four weeks or so, but hang on in there, when they start to wotk, they really workIYKWIM

[NeedyW]

He's on Citalopram. Which is what I have taken before.
Another week or so and the good effects should kick in (fingers crossed - he's about 2 weeks into the course now).

I am feeling stronger today, and he seems less upset.

Last night I revealed to him just how far I had already fallen. He seemed utterly shocked by it, despite my telling him for ages. I think I do need to try to make more allowances for his sadness and inability to feel emotions properly.

At the same time I have completely forbidden him from blaming me for anything. We've got a brilliant relate book that we are working through to help him communicate. It really helps to have an outside agency agreeing that his feelings are his responsibilty and that any sentences beginning with "You make me feel..." are a no-no (which I had been hearing daily).

Fingers crossed. I do feel like this is just a hump we need to get over, but sometimes it looks more like a mountain.

Dressmeup, yup, that is exactly it. I think the guilt is worse than anything, it seems to completely paralise him. I wish he would spend less time beating himself up and more time trying not to do it IYSWIM. He often talks about what a terrible person he is and how he should leave me so I can find someone stronger. It does hurt. And it's so unhelpful!

[mummyrayjay]

Why can't you speak to a counsellor? I have recently started suffering from panic attacks and depression and I find speaking to a counsellor does help. Also Helps me see if I am being reaonable or not.

Hope things get better for you soon x x

[Molesworth]

Another depression-sufferer here - sorry to here about your situation NW

Can I ask how things used to be (before your dh's depression) when you had bouts of depression? How did he cope with your illness?

I don't think that you're being selfish but I agree with the others who have said that he's not capable of giving you the support that perhaps you are used to receiving from him (in the past). It sounds like you're doing your utmost to deal with this difficult situation positively, but I also agree with the others who have suggested counselling (for both of you, not just him - I mean separate counselling, so that you've got some proper support for yourself and to help you deal with his depression too).

Good luck - I hope things improve for you both soon.

[Molesworth]

*hear!

[DRESSMEUP]

needyw. what do you say to yr dh when he suggests leaving you so you can find someone 'better'? also on a more personal note, how are things between you intimately?

[NeedyW]

I tell him that it upsets me and that I love him: I tell him I wish he could see how I see him, as a wonderful, kind, lovely man.

Intimately things have actually been better since the "incident". Something I hope will continue. He has always been interested in sex, it was me whose sex drive was low.

Things do seem better already. I do appreciate all the support. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall!

[DRESSMEUP]

yes i say the same to my dh... but we haven't been intimate for a few months.. he says its not me, he just has no inclination. . i actually think if we were having sex, i would feel more of a connection with him, and maybe find everything easier to cope with. also do you find yr dh is very tired on these ad? when does he take them..am or pm?

hope things have been better today for you

[NeedyW]

DH is very tired since starting them - I hope it will wear off soon. He's taking them PM.

It's hard isn't it? Being there to reassure them and getting less than nothing back?

I'm sorry your DH has lost his sex drive. I do appreciate the need for the connection IYSWIM. The ADs certainly don't help with that!

I am feeling much better than last weekend, still exhausted, but more on top of things.

How are you?

[DRESSMEUP]

im ok. every day i wake up hoping that today will be the day things will have changed.. dh feeling happy and positive. (or if im lucky, he may feel a bit horny .
but no luck. will it ever get better? my dh has just started taking ad at pm.. hoping will help him feel less tired during the day.

[NeedyW]

It will get better, this time will pass.

How long has your dh been on ADs?

It's awful, sometimes I just want to shake him and shout "Pull yourself together! Stop letting your thoughts lie to you! We miss you", but I don't think that would help at all!

He just seems so helpless (as well as unnecessarily agressive at times).

IT's odd looking back at my first post; how quickly I can go from being so angry and frustrated to loving and caring. I do feel like I am on one long emotional rollercoaster parallel to his.