What is a normal level of anxiety?

[used2bthin]

I have been very anxious about DD since she was diagnosed with a genetic condition aged ten days. I had a very stressful pregnancy and started to imagine all sorts of stuff then after she was born I really struggled through the first nine months or so as I was convinced I would lose her, had morbid thoughts etc. I saw a doctor at one point but didnt want to take the ADs she wanted to prescribe and gradually felt better. Generally I have always been ok in the day then panic at night. It comes and goes but is back with a vengence at the moment and I am increasingly getting very upset in the day too about all the things that could go wrong. I feel bad saying all this as I know there are people on here who have lost their children or in other ways face worse than me but I just can't get it out of my head how fragile life is. DD's condition is potentially life threatening but as long as it is well managed she should be able to live a full life so I don't know if it does relate directly to that as the scenarios I imagine are not always about things that could affect her because of her condition but I am always aware of how vulnerable she is. Also we spend time in hospital fairly often and I think every timne I am reminded again that she is vulnerable iyswim? Do all parents worry about "the worst" happening like this or does my anxiety seem over the top?I just want to enjoy her she is wonderful but even when she is being funny or something lately I catch myself thinking in a negative way and feeling sad in case all I end up with are memories. Hope that makes sense I am a bit superstitious about even talikng about it tbh.

[used2bthin]

Maybe I didn't give this a very good title judging by the lack of response? I do feel a bit better having just put it into words. I suppose I'm also wondering how others cope with the not knowing the future aspect of parenting? Any tips?

[constancereader]

It is normal to worry as a parent, but it does sound to me that your anxiety is ruling your life and getting in the way of enjoying your daughter. It sounds like you have had such a stressful time, it is not surprising your anxiety is getting the better of you.

I have had dreadful anxiety problems in the past which ADs and cognitive therapy really helped with. I am still anxious, but can keep it in perspective most of the time. Could you go back to your GP? They might be able to offer you some kind of therapy if you don't want to take ADs.

[constancereader]

Forgot to say that I was sorry you were feeling so crap. Anxiety like this is foul to live through, it blights things.

[fizzledizzle]

this level of anxiety does seem to be affecting how you get on day to day and it might be worth going back to the doctor and thinking again about the anti depressants. i has such high levels of aniety with both my ds's, i just saw danger everwhere and could not relax. ad's really helped. it sounds like you are going through a really stressful time hope you are feeling better soon

[used2bthin]

Thank you constancereader it does. Did you have the CBT through your doctors? I am so bad that I worry if I had therapy something may happen while I'm away from her thats made me realise I am not good atm! I am extremely tired though, she hasn't slept well since the last hospital trip(last week)do you find you feel worse when tired? I am also really stressed about the fact that I've gained weight through comfort eating but how can I be worried about two such different things!

[berolina]

Anxiety is an occupational hazard of parenthood. When there are other factors to increase anxiety, such as a child's illness or previous loss, of course anxiety is stronger as you are that much more aware of how fragile life, indeed, really is. I am very anxious for ds2, although usually it is bubbling away under the surface and nobody would dream I was feeling like that, I think. But I do know what you mean about even the greatest delight being tinged with anticipation of potential future loss. IMO you have to decide whether the anxiety is more than you can actually bear, or really getting in the way of your relationship with your dd. This (IME) means being aware of yourself and what's going on in you,listening to yourself. If you do feel you need support with it, CBT is usually an excellent route.

[used2bthin]

Thanks fizzledizzle that sounds very similar. Can I ask which D's you were on? I've been on them before and kind of wanted to avoid them but if I don't feel better soon may have to reconsider.

[used2bthin]

Berolina I think CBT sounds very promising would I have to pay for it though? I am sure people would be very surprised that I was as bad as I am too, they could think of me as slightly panicky maybe but not constantly anticipating the worst. I don't understand how people don't think of it though?

[fizzledizzle]

i was on several. i had bad reactions to prozac and seroxat and i had to try a few others before i found one that worked. i would say if you are on one and you get any sort of adverse reaction dont just accept it go back and try another till you find one that works for you. i was incredibly reluctant to go on ad's but things got so bad i had no choice. i had a great health visitor who said to me if you had a heart condition you would take the medication so why are ad's so differant.

[constancereader]

Your doctor might be able to prescribe you a different AD which will suit you better. My GP did organise my CBT which helped so much, but I feel I could only get there in the first place due to the pills. I came off them with the help of my therapist too.

Tiredness doesn't help at all - do you have much support at the moment?

[used2bthin]

Would you say I sound in a similar way to how you were? Its so hard to know whether I am ill or just up and down. I was on AD's a few years back and don't remember much about that time and worry they'd affect my moods to start with too as I think they make people feel worase at first. Sorry I am not very eloquent tonight I am SO tired.

[CoteDAzur]

I'm not sure if seeing danger everywhere and even worrying that you might lose your little one are pathological conditions.

Nobody offered me ADs and I don't think I was/am depressed. But sometimes I can't go to sleep if the fireplace is not fully extinguished with fear that DD's room might catch on fire and quickly picture the rest of my (short) life without her in agony. (There are 5 fire alarms in our house btw). And that is just one example.

My mother is almost 70 years old, and I have not been living in the same city as her for the past 20 years, but she says she still worries about my driving, and warns me about things like locking my doors etc.

Just trying to say I don't think the 'morbid thoughts' are symptoms of a disease you need to be cured of, especially in view of your baby's history of health problems.

[used2bthin]

I think if I can pluck up the courage I will sk the doctor about CBT as I'm sure I was offered counselling when DD was diagnosed and turned it down. I've recently moved back to be near to my parents and they are great. I am a single parent but dd sees her dad regularly, with me present mostly though due to my anxiety about trusting others to look after her. So I suppose I get support but not much of a break.

[berolina]

AFAIK it is available on NHS but sadly likely to be a wait.

[fizzledizzle]

you need to get some sleep as a priority. nobody can function without sleep. if your anxiety is getting in the way of things and is something your thinking about constantly then you really need to address it. dont be too hard on yourself sometimes we all need support of one type or another and you shouldnt be worried about asking for it

[constancereader]

You do sound quite similar to me in that your anxiety is ruining your life. It is just so HARD when there seems to be no let up and enjoyment in life. You could try keeping a diary of your feelings (a CBT technique) to identify your ups and downs accurately. Your GP would find this helpful and it might clarify your understanding of your moods.

In the short term, is there anyone who could do the night shift for you, or just look after your dd in the day so that you could catch up with some sleep?

[used2bthin]

CoteDAzur thats the thing isn't it, its so hard to know what is normal and natural. I have times when I am able to deal with my worries and then times like now when these thoughts are never far from my mind. I know from talking to other mums that they worry too but I think they don't always see the risks as real whereas I do if that makes sense. Perhaps thats how they cope. I know that when I was pg I never worried that my baby would not be healthy, I just did not think it would hapopen to me. So it shook me really badly when I was that mother not knowing if my baby would be ok.

[BigBadMouse]

quick butt in...just to say, from what you describe, your GP really should offer you CBT and not just ADs. You are not suffering from a classic depression as such so ADs alone might not help as much as CBT - not saying the ADs won't help but in conjunction with CBT I bet you'd see a huge improvement.

There might be a bit of a wait for CBT (it isn't always that long - esp compared to the amount of time you have been suffering, and it is worth the wait). There is also an online CBT course you can take in the meantime (or on its own if you prefer not to be referred). There is a lot of self-help CBT for anxiety and depression but, for me, having one-to-one sessions helped me most as I found it hard to find the motivation away from my therapist.

[constancereader]

CoteDAzur - your description of your life now sounds like me now, after treatment and help. I still worry about things a lot, but not enough to 'stop me living' as it were. The crippling anxiety I felt before was so much worse, it ruined my life for quite a long time.

[fizzledizzle]

i think when you are worrying about things that are probably never going to happen and your worrying means that you are unable to get on with everyday things without getting very anxious then it can be a problem. as parents we have to accept that worrying is now a way of life, but sometimes it can be out of all proportion to the actual risks, than it can be a problem

[used2bthin]

I have been trying to sleep when she does in the day but I agree sleep is a real need atm, I hope she sleeps through tonight last night was dreadful which I think is why I am so bad tonight, I have barely felt human today. Thanks everyone I actually do feel a bit better for talking about it.

[slim22]

1. We all worry as parents.
   
2. Most of us are beside themselves when our kids get seriously ill
   
3. In your situation ( serious chronic disorder + regular hospital stays) it would be abnormal NOT to turn into a normal wreck at some point or another!
   
   I really feel for you. It seems that you have not come to terms with the situation. You are in for it for the long run, who can blame you?
   But you said yourself her situation is manageable so you have to get help to shift into that positive state of mind.
   See the glass half full rather than half empty.
   AD's will help. Talk to your GP.
   
   I do not know much about CBT but any therapy that will help you cheer up sounds good.
   You need to get to the point where you make peace with the fact that the illness will always be there and as she grows, learn to encourage her to explore the world rather than holding her back because of potential danger.
   
   Please do not beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. I don't see how any mother can feel otherwise. You just need to learn to live with it and "get on with it" iykwim?
   
   PS: Maybe it's worth posting in the SN section?
   I think that it's a normal process to go through this anxious/angry/why us? phase when confronted with chronic illness like for SN.
   I'm sure you'll find wise words from other families who've have to learn how to make life "normal" when you feel so vulnerable.
   
   Take care.

[used2bthin]

BBM thank you I hadn't realised it was used so often I will mention it to my health visitor if I chicken out of asking the doctor. It does sound like something I would benefit from because logically I can even see that worrying about this stuff excessively does not help prevent it. So for someone to help me think of ways to control the anxiety I think would really help.

[CoteDAzur]

If it makes you feel any better about how bizarre paranoias grip 'normal' mothers as well:

We take a lift to go to DD's part-time creche. Every single time, she darts in before me and I am so scared the door will close after her and take her somewhere (7 parking floors underground, and 6 floor above) and I will never find her because she will be abducted.

The first two times I ever left her with the babysitter, I followed them around for the full 2 hours. Aside from the usual fear of mistreatment, I was seriously worried that I will never see either of them again, and my life won't be worth living, because DD would change so much in such a short time that I will not even recognize her, let alone manage to find her. And she will not even remember me after a while anyway.

I can go on, but I guess you got the idea - Probably hard to believe after reading these, but I am your garden variety 'normal mum', with no history of psychological problems, mood-altering medications (aside from some much-enjoyed recreational chemicals in my youth ), ADs, etc.

[used2bthin]

Slim22 thanks, you are right. SN board a good iodea, I occasionally post there but worry as I know there are others having a worse time of it. Typical timing, I have recently been able to move into my own room after the carers centre paid for a cctv camera so I could still see DD at night not have to get up constantly. It has decided not to work tonight hows that for timing?!