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Mental health

OK Someone please tell me their depression has miraculously cleared on meeting their new baby or I don't know what I'll do

10 replies

MaryPoppinsAteMyHamster · 11/04/2008 17:19

Sorry, this is really long, please feel free to skip most of it and just answer the title Q if you like.

I'm a long term sufferer of depression which has cleared as soon as I have become pregnant on both occassions. This time it didn't clear and I just can't do it anymore.

I have only a few weeks to go before DC3 is born but things are just getting worse, I cannot bear the thought of him meeting me for the first time while I am like this.

I feel like a terrible, incompetent mother. My poor DCs are suffering as one minute I am OK, the next I am shouting at them. I am not parenting in the way I would like to and I feel I am being incredibly disrespectful towards my beautiful DCs. Some days I sit at the table with them at mealtimes and just sob - it's just not acceptable for me to do that. I have totally different, higher standards for myself than anyone else btw - not sure how to deal with that one. I feel like a total failure. I really don't care about any mistakes I have made in the past but my beautiful children are far to important for me to mess thing up for. My parents always told me I would be a terrible parent and I was so bloody set on proving them wrong. They said I would be useless at everything and I just want to stick two fingers up to them and show they were wrong (although that is not what drives me from day to day, when I'm down it feels like they are just saying, see we were right').

At night I cannot sleep for terrible nightmares, they come during the day too - really graphic images of my children suffering in some way or another - stupid depression brain I know but I just don't have the energy to fight it right now. I have no one in RL to talk to about this, I rarely go out and see other mums as I cannot afford to.

I just want to get things right. Doesn't everyone? Stupid thing to say I guess but at least I'd like to get the important bits 3/4 right.

Today DD1 had her first day at 'big (primary) school' - a sort of get to know you session before she starts PT in Sept. I had my suspicions she was suffering as she has been very out of sorts recently, tantrums are just so very rare for her. 30 mins before we left to go she started to get visibly nervous (although up until then she had been keen and I had played the whole thing as best I could - new friends, etc etc). When we got there she was terrrified and clung to me like she has never done before. She came home and 40 mins later wet herself - she has never done that - not even with potty training. I know I'm not handling things well at all and I just wanted to make this as easy for her as possible - obviously I didn't! DD2 (23m)is very hard work too, very hard, tantrums all the time, obsessive about 1001 things. I should be able to cope with all this and as soon as this depression shifts I know I will.

I want to go on ADs ASAP but very much want to BF DC3 too for a fair while - it's going to be tough if this doesn't clear due to some hormome shift when he is born.

Sorry to ramble on. It is rambling, I've missed loads of important bits I'm sure but just needed to type ASAP before DDs need me and while I could face it.

Thanks for reading this far. I just don't feel I can do this alone and have no idea where else to turn. Have DH but he doesn't understand.

btw I have namechanged also - sorry. Can't accept myself right now and don't want people to see me like this - I never let people see me down.

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lucyellensmum · 11/04/2008 17:54

That mary poppins is such a cow isnt she? Fancy eating your hamster

But seriously, i just wanted to offer some support. Ive not experienced pre natal depression but am on meds for depression just now. What i do know that the overwhelming love you feel for your DCs when they are born is a powerful thing, it might just be enough to get you through this. Sorry i cant offer anything more concrete but hope someone else will come along.

at your parents, you don't have to prove yourself to them, i know what you mean though, its like you have to prove that you are good enough - i feel like this, even though my parents were not like yours.

You have made a good step forward by typing this - just a few things to offer though: Firstly, there are some meds that you can have whilst BF, ask your doctor. Also, might it be an idea to talk to your midwife, doctor to help you with some coping strategies. Take DH to doctors with you, mine tries but he really doesnt get it at all.

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MaryPoppinsAteMyHamster · 11/04/2008 20:35

Thanks for your reply. It was hard to type my post tbh. I have thought about it for a while but when the opportunity arose I decided against it.

I'm just really hoping things improve when DC3 turns up. I want to completely immerse myself in him when he is born (not forgeting the other two of course!). He will be our last and I just want to savour every moment of when he is tiny. Atm I find it so hard to enjoy my two fully as every time I look at them I think something is going to take them away from me. I'm just finding that really hard to cope with and its not fair on them.

Thanks for the info about the ADs. I will look into it more if I feel I need to sort myself out quickly after the birth. I feel uncomfortable about taking any while bf - I gues I'll just weigh up the pros and cons when the time comes (assuming I have some sort of rational thinking left).

MW knows the situation. She doesn't really know how to help I think. I have been seeing a psychologist for several years on and off but I am very unlikely to see him again now as I have no one to look after the DCs during appointments. He has given me various coping strategies but this episode is just throwing up more and more new symptoms to deal with so we both find it hard to keep up!. I'm at the very top of the burns scale 23/25 and rarely drop below 20.

My DH just doesn't get it. He tries his best but it is hard for him to understand thankfully. I think its best I deal with it alone.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.Hope things improve for you soon too.

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Islamum · 11/04/2008 20:48

((hugs)) Sorry I don't have much else to add, but I really hope things get better soon. Would it be worth going to see your GP? Also could the home start scheme help you? Worth asking your midwife about maybe.

Take care of yourself, remember none of us are perfect, we are all just doing our best and hoping its good enough, also it sounds like you are a much better parent than your mum, thats quite impressive isn't it?

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LouiseAnn · 11/04/2008 20:50

I'm currently on Citalopram (an AD) while pregnant and my bereavement counsellor says she has had a client breastfeed a baby whilst taking quite a high dose of it. Talk to your GP or any other doctor you can get hold of. I have a good friend who is a GP and she has been great for things like this. You need to look after yourself for your own sake and so you can be a calm happy Mum to all three of them.
If one medical professional doesn't understand, look for another one - maybe another GP at your surgery.

All the best xx

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constancereader · 11/04/2008 20:52

I know someone who is taking ADs while breastfeeding, it is definitely possible. I don't really have any concrete advice for you, but I wanted to express my sympathy - it sounds like you are going though such a tough time at the moment.

Remember that you might feel like you are not doing so well as a mother when your baby is born, but that he/she will KNOW you are perfect.

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IdrisTheDragon · 11/04/2008 20:55

Mary Poppins, I am also a long term depression sufferer. It is truely horrible isn't it?

I had a particuarly bad bout of depression when I was pregnant with DD and when I was 12 weeks pregnant realised I needed to see the GP. I saw a pyschaiatrist two days later and was prescribed sertraline. I breastfed DD until she was 10 months old and although there is no way I can know what sort of child she would be had I not taken the ADs, I really feel that she is a fine 2.6 year old. I also know that without having taken the ADs, I (and possibly she) would not have been.

The ADs helped to clear my mind of some of the depression fog that was there, and gave me the strength to keep going, with more happiness than before. As DD was unplanned, I was worried that I wouldn't feel for her what I wanted to, but the instant she was born I felt such an overwhelming love for her.

I am back on ADs again (have been since September) and although I still have feelings of "failure" in needing something to help me have an easier passage through life, it makes life for all our family better as well.

I think I am waffling a bit here, but do have a bit of an idea of some of what you are going through.

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Divastrop · 11/04/2008 21:05

ok,ive only skimmed your op as i have to go out,but just wanted to say i had bad depression through my 3rd and 4th pregnancies and was fine after the births.

i have struggled since having dd3 13 months ago after a bad pregnancy(depression-wise)but there are other factors in it,hormone-wise i felt better after the birth.

someone has probably said this already,but im sure there are ad's that are safe to take while bf as well.

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BrummieOnTheRun · 11/04/2008 21:05

Mine did. And despite being so depressed during pregnancy I'd be walking down the street pushing the double buggy in tears, number 3 is the happiest, funniest little mite with a fantastic sense of humour.

Having 2 small children is difficult,particularly with raging hormones, so try to be realistic about what you can achieve. I used to wonder 'if it's so difficult with 2, how on earth are you going to cope with 3?'. Well you do. In fact the third is easier I think and I'm really enjoying it now.

You sound like a really loving mother, which is all that matters to your children.

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PotPourri · 11/04/2008 21:07

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MaryPoppinsAteMyHamster · 11/04/2008 22:10

Thanks for all your replies - I am quite touched. This was monent then followed by some strange depression-led thing that made me wonder if I would have had such a good response if I had used my normal MNname, that was then followed by a rare moment of better clarity when I thought 'why not?' and now I'm back to square 1 again 'but would I' bloody depression .

Islamum I will look into the Homestart thing. I find it quite hard to allow people to see how dark things get for me - really only my psych knows - I might find it hard to explain how / why things are hard but I do know how important it is to mums to have a support network (even if you aren't depressed).

louiseann My GP is great, I am very lucky. He has severeal children himself and knows what it is like I guess. I was on Citalopram before I conceived DC3. I hadn't been on it long but it was helping a lot. I didn;t need a huge dose either (20mg). I am really hoping it still works for me when I need it again. I found an article a while ago about taking it while BF and IIRC they said it was not found to be present in breatmilk in mothers taking it. Will have to search back for it. I prefer to do my own research than rely on a GPs advice on such an important issue - I guess I have read too many 'bad advice from GP' stories on here!

constancereader Thank you. I really hope you are right. I already know he is perfect, completely in every way - I can just feel it despite everything. I am so lucky, I really am. There really isn't much more important in life is there? Thats why I don't want to me up my childrens childhood - it is so precious. I don't want to be shouting at them, its not my parenting style and I so much want them to know how proud I am of them and how I will always be there for them and they could never be anything but a joy for me (apart from those 'supermarket tantrum moments' - which looking back can be quite funny!

idris - not waffling at all! Thank you for sharing your experience of Sertraline. I tried it but it made me feel too sick (prob should have stuck with it an extra day or so and would have been fine). You are completely right - sometimes the depression itself is far worse for the children than the affects of the ADs. That is what I need to really think about and look into.

Divastrop - That is really good news for me. I am really hoping that some of this is down to the pregnancy hormones.

brummie Your post really rang true with me. I have a feeling that I have a similar little character waiting to be born here. Your DC3 sounds lovely. I often wonder if am I like this now, how is he developing inside me? I don't want him to thrive on depression hormones. My DD2 is a similar character to me and it is hard to see what she is already going through at 23m - she finds life hard at times already and I can see myself in her a lot. Funnily enough I am not too worried about No3 coming along. I panicked like mad when expecting DD2 though, wasn;t worth the effort - you are right, you do just cope.

potpourri I have got to meet other mums regularly, I have to find a way somehow. It is hard for us as we are out in the sticks and every time I want to meet up I have to get in the car. Diesel prices aren't helping much and money is so tight as it is. The other mums I know have just one child and live nearer town, they tend to meet up and soft play centres but I can;t afford the £10 it would cost to get us all in. I will make an effort to find something that is more affordable though. You are absolutely right it is great for the children - esp if it helps calm me down. I wanted to go to the under ones group but it is strictly under ones which I think is a bit off, mums around here are isolated easily enough as it is. There must be alternatives though.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to send hugs and support. I really, really need it right now and I honestly have nowhere else to turn. You have all been a huge help. Many thanks x

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