Why Am I Feeling Like This?? i just want to hurt myself all the time.

[abertawe]

this is a very long story

when ds was a few weeks old (hes nearly a 1) i took a meat cleaver to my wrists and even threatend to stab dp. i was under a lot of pressure from DPs family saying the baby looks nothing like me and that the only thing they said he had was sticky up thumbs like me but that it wasnt his fault!! obviously Dp told em to get a life and that the only person he looked like was himself and he was his own person.
a few weeks after that we had a major argument and we're still not talking now. thats when i took a meat cleaver to my wrists.
when i did it i didnt know what was happening it was honestly as if i was a sleep. we d gone in to bed at bout 11pm and i woke at 2.00am and did it sounds unbelievable but its true. aparently i was even head butting the floor which caused then a broken nose and 2 black eyes and i swung for a police officer
whilst i was in hosp that night having stitches etc Dps family (who didnt know about the stabbing thing) was in our flat packing dps stuff. a few days later we had an eviction notice come thru as we was renting of a family member hense why we dont talk to them as we had no support and there s more but i wont go in to that.
i was on anti depressants 40 mg of citalopram i went up a dose but now im back on 40mg. me and dp have been having loads of rows recently.
i feel like such a bad mum that i infact carved it out on my leg "i must be a bad mum" whenever we row i feel the need to hurt my self. DP is supportive of me but i just feel so alone. i ve been back to the docs but nothing has changed.
i know i ll never hurt ds or dp but im scared that the next time i hurt myself i mite not be so lucky. please can you help me i dont know what to do.

[theUrbanDryegg]

oh mate i know how it feels, really i do. the only thing that stopped me self-harming was really giving myself a nasty scare by slicing my arms open. i'm saying that's what you should do - as you say, you might not be so llucky next time - but just think about what you're doing to yourself. not your dp or your ds or his family, yourself. also - Citalopram was a nightmare for me, increased my suicidal feelings tenfold and made me into a zombie. might it be worth going back to your doc and asking for a change in AD's? or asking for some counselling??

no real advice i'm afraid but try to rest and treasure yourself a little. thinking of you. xx

[abertawe]

im on a list for councelling but its gna take months i feel like a recluse at the moment i dont and wont go out and i feel like im picking arguments with dp. im really snaping at him and usually for no reason or something minor. the other day he forgot the babys wipes. he left them in the car. we was right next to superdrug so we cud av got more instead i stormed off to the car we went home and i wanted to pack my stuff and leave him, its really that bad. i feel like i cant cope anymore.

[smurfgirl]

Oh sweetie, no real good advice.

Have you tried less harmful methods of self harm like holding ice cubes and snapping elastic bands?

And please try not to touch your wrists - loads of tendons and stuff there, there are safer bits to cut if you must (although better not to).

Take care x

[abertawe]

i ve tried elastic bands but they dont work when i took a meat cleaver i damaged some of the nerves and stuff and so i cant grip things, im forever dropping things so we ve now got plastic cups cos i was sick of dropping them and smashing them let alone the temptation of the glass on the floor

[smurfgirl]

I tend to cut my thighs at the moment - easier to hide and less places to do any damage too, I am not advocating self harm but if you must do it somewhere safe.

I feel a bit useless really but am thinking of you x