I am so sick of these ideas being in my head.

[smurfgirl]

I am still self harming and I have these horrid ideas in my head of what I want to do to myself, and I feel like my safety switch has been turned off or something. Stuff I would never have even considered now seems quite appealing.

This time last week I was in hosp after overdosing and it seems quite appealing again tonight but I can't really and I can't cut myself because df has moved my razors and I keep thinking about pouring boiling water on my feet - which is weirdy. I just want these ideas out of my head.

And yes everyone knows, and I do have help and its recently been reassessed but still.

[Dottydot]

Sounds scary. Can you try and rationalise it a bit? The boiling water on your feet is different to self harm - where you've got an element of control and a feeling of release. The boiling water would just hurt like fuck, not kill you but incapacitate you.

Sorry - not meaning to sound callous at all - just trying to think of ways you can start to think about why you shouldn't do it.

Thinking of you.

[smurfgirl]

I don't feel release with self harm though - am into mega damage. Ho hum.

It is a STUPID idea and scary to have in my head. Urgh.

[Dottydot]

Oh Smurfgirl - don't know what to suggest but I'm thinking of you.

Can you stick a favourite video on or go and sit in your child's bedroom (sorry, can't see your profile at the moment and can't remember the age of your dcs) - I sometimes go and sit in with ds's while they're sleeping - it's so calming.

Hope the scary thoughts go soon and you can get some sleep xxx

[YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch]

Smurfgirl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself until they pass? Write it all down on a page, maybe? Write anything, a story, everything you're thinking, a poem, whatever you want; or maybre draw something (even if just scribbles). Try to get it out of you somehow without giving in to it.

Could you try?

[smurfgirl]

I am trying hard to distract myself because I know I am into dangerous stuff at the moment.

No children dottydot

Just wish i did not feel like this about myself.

[Dottydot]

Sorry - am on the blackberry so can't even do a blushing face..!

Hope you're OK - do you have any good tactics already for when things get bad?

[littlemissnobody]

Hope you are ok, smurfgirl - I saw a thread a few weeks ago where you were struggling. I'm sorry things are so extreme.

[smurfgirl]

No worries dd - nice to have a reply to a rather weirdy thread.

I am not ok at all I think and its hard to admit that really but there we go. I am apparently doing some good work in therapy and I do think its helping. Its just getting through these next few weeks safely because I feel so unsafe all the time and its a bit scary.

[littlemissnobody]

It can be very scary. And it can be hard to get through days like that. I'm glad the therapy is helping. Do you have anything you can do in the short-term to try to keep safe? That's a stupid question, I suppose. Sorry. I have to go but please try to be careful.

[Kaz1967]

I self harm to nothing major it's more releasing emotion and pain for me but I hate my self when I have done it and I understand how strong that pull is my only way to not do it is get out the house which is not always possible.

Take care
xx

[smurfgirl]

I have not done anything to myself in over a week but I still have all these horrid ideas and I feel so mega mega unsafe and its frustrating knowing that there is nothing I can do. Bahh.

[Kaz1967]

I would say that not doing anything despite the thoughts shows incredible strength. Don't put yourself down you should be proud of that very fact. Try and see that in yourself that is a great positive, you can resist for over a week that is great, keep trying for the next day hour... maybe you can learn to ignore the voices or even one day tell them to shut up and bugger off and let you get on with your life. I know it is much much easier to find something and do it than it is sit back and ignore the thoughts.

Have you tried finding another way to express the thoughts like keeping a diary or blog? I find writing things down can help give me back some control and sometimes puts things into perspective.

Has anyone shown you how to do meditation or visualisation? not sure if they would help but it may be worth asking about.

[Kaz1967]

Just noticed you are a student nurse good on you how far along are you? I know it's not an easy course I trained along time ago but I did the children's nurse diploma in 2003 now sadly retired and given up my registration due to ill health If you want a nursey chat or any support along that line or another you are welcome to email me cyclebabe_uk at hotmail dot com

[madamez]

SOmething I read years ago about certain types of mental health problem, where the sufferer either actually has auditory hallucinations (hears voices) or repetitive upsetting thoughts - was a suggestion of using headphones and soothing music. Appreciate that you probably can;t do this all the time but if the thoughts only get bad when you are alone or your DC in bed, then maybe an Ipod or Walkman or something with your favourite songs would help to kind of drown out the unpleasant thoughts.

[Kaz1967]

I use an MP3 player to distract me in crowds and shut out the noise which I find causes panic attacks it does work to a certain extent so it is worth a go if not tried before

[smurfgirl]

I don't hear voices or anything (thank god) just have intrusve thoughts that feel a bit controlling but suspect its all in my head rather than any chemical/specific mental health issue.

I do keep a diary yes.

Thanks for the replies x

[madamez]

Definitely worth trying the music player thing if you haven't, SG. Music is so often a really good distraction from pain/distress.

[smurfgirl]

I listen to music on the bus on the way to work and often find myself dwelling on things I don't want to but am trying to use loud dance music stuff to drown things out!!

[littlemissnobody]

smurfgirl, that's great! I know you are still having scary thoughts but to have kept safe for a week is huuuuge. It takes an incredible amount of strength to do that when you are having overwhelming thoughts and urges.

When I worked with kids who had auditory hallucinations, they often used music and headphones to drown out the voices or to distract them and it really helped. When I am having overwhelmingly intrusive thoughts, I find it too much. And music tends to trigger memories that aren't good for me when I am struggling. But I know it can work and I'm glad you have something that helps a little.

I have been thinking about you this week so am glad you posted again.

Take Care, SG x

[smurfgirl]

I just boiled the kettle to tip on myself but I am not going to which is good I think. And am going to go to bed at a sensible time!

[Kaz1967]

You resisted the thoughts again well done sleep well hun

[monkeytrousers]

Mortalty.

Someone was writing in the Guardian about their obsession with death - Jonathon somebody; it reminded me a lot about the fears I grew up with after my dad died; the paralizing fear in ther middle of the night etc, one day it will happen

Has anybody suggested you go to your GP and get some antidepressants? They do help alot

[smurfgirl]

I am having support monkeytrousers, ADs no good for me because I am not depressed and I have ODed on ADs in the past and tbh probably would again.

Actually do feel I am making some progress because I am tapping into my feelings about my urge to hurt myself a lot more, and despire thoughts have not done anything big to hurt myself in over a week.

[monkeytrousers]

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

[Kaz1967]

Medication is not for everyone and can make some people worse (although it helped me) smurfgirl has said she is receiving therapy so she is getting professional treatment and not going through this totally alone.