Feel incapable, no confidence... and why do I find life so scary?

[NameChangedForNow]

I have a constant feeling of inadequacy, like I'm the child and DH is the adult in our marriage. This isn't through DH's actions, he doesn't treat me like a child, but through my own lack of confidence and life experience. I have a dd of 18 months and am a SAHM. I cant drive and this (i think) is a big part of the problem. It's always on my mind. I was learning before xmas and took a test but failed, then we moved house and I just sort of gave up for a while. I know I need to get back into it but every time i think about it i feel anxious.

Another big reason for the way i feel is that I've never earnt my own money. I was at university before I had dd but gave it up, so have never had a job. Now I am thinking about going back to university this year, but the old driving problem is rearing its head again. The uni is an hour's bus ride away but only a 20min drive, so ideally i'd need to drive there. BUT having no way to pay for a car of my own makes it difficult, as I would like to try an automatic and DH has basically said no. This further fuels my lack of self-esteem as I'm such an adult I can't even choose and buy my own car

I don't enjoy life very much these days, I feel like a scared little girl most of the time, even when faced with minor hurdles. I just want to feel grown-up, like I can actually function in the real world with real, intelligent people, not just live in my own comfortable little bubble and never stretch myself. I'm 21 FGS, not 12!

[fluffycauliflower]

hello, So sorry that you are having a hard time. Don't give up on the driving. Keep at it and you will eventually pass. I'd recomend going for some really long drives - like drive a journey of a 100 miles, it really gets you used to driving and gets you more confident. Don't give up, things will get better.

[bb99]

Hello

Keep trucking - my friend took 3 goes before she got her license!

Would a really small part time job be possible to help with confidence, help you see people as just yourself, not mum or wifey or OH? It's really easy to lose yourself when you have children IYSWIM. If you don't get much of a chance to meet up with people in RL that can cut down your confidence too - is there a mum and bubs club you could get to?

It does get better! And you've got years and years to build on the experience you've already got. You have been to Uni and loads of people don't get to do that! Also I'm pushing 40 and still feel about 12 sometimes [blush} tho haven't got the skin tone or figure I used to have !

[NameChangedForNow]

Thank you both for replying, makes me feel better to have nice things said to me

bb99 I have been applying for part-time jobs but have only had rejections so far I've spoken to dh about it and we both agree that I might be better going to university to improve my prospects, so that its a more constructive use of my time.

I worry though about how often I change my mind on things.. I can never seem to stick to something for long. For example I recently decided I was going to do some volunteering, got the info and everything, but have now changed my mind. I suppose I just build things up in my head, making them out to be better than they are and that I'll somehow change into a different person by doing them, but its never the case.

We were TTC for the past few months, until I got the idea of uni in my head. Now I'm planning to go on the pill next month because a new baby and uni just wouldn't be feasible. That makes me sad though because we had wanted two dcs close in age, but if I put it off for 3 years dd will be 5/6 by the time no2 is here. But honestly I think it's the right decision now because I don't think I can SAH for another 2 years+ if I continue to feel like this

Just wish I was someone else sometimes, still in my life, but different personality, different perspective on life IYKWIM? Wish I could relax and stop fretting about everything.

[nappymadmummy]

You sound very similar to me. I have anxiety about all sorts of things. Until a few months ago I hardly went out because I was scared of every little thing.

I read a book that really helped (it explained why everyone needs some level of anxiety and it's only when it gets out of hand that it's a problem - that made me feel I didn't have to beat the anxiety just control it a bit). It was "Overcomng Anxiety" by Helen someone (I think).

Have another go at the driving...you will manage and you'll really benefit from it. When I was 17 it took me 4 times to pass and then I stopped driving for ages and have only just got back into it. I had refresher lessons to rebuild my confidence and get over my nervousness.

I still have days where I feel like I can't do things because I'm scared but I'm learning to see those days as just a bad day and pick myself up again and fight the anxiety the next day.

Feel free to CAT me if you want someone to talk to btw.

[greeneyedgirl]

NCFN....oh my god you could have been me! I am 33 and only passed my driving test late last year and before that I totally hated myself, I made driving into this holy grail thing. I felt that I would not be seen as an adult by others until I had a licence (which was a bit stupid and totally not true) and I was terrified of driving lessons...I loathed them, I had been learning on and off since I was 17!

The key for me was that I found an instructor I really got on with, who was absolutely fantastic, I had an 1.5 hrs with him a week and it took from April til Nov and I passed first time; after I had convinced myself I was useless. My sister took 4 attempts and I know others who took many more tests than that to pass. What you must do is take the pressure off yourself, the fact that you have already been for a test means you are obviously of a good standard and it was probably nerves that got to you. I used to think that I needed to change to automatic lessons, but I realise that it would have been a waste of money for me (lessons are more expensive in an automatic). I can tell you now, even though I have only been driving a little while, I really wonder why I made such a fuss over it. Go here, and read the forum for learners, it was a lifeline for me!

The rest of my life is still pretty rubbish at the mo, but I am glad I persevered with driving because I have gained alot more confidence in myself. Good luck, I know that you can do and be whatever you want to, I am currently telling myself the same thing, all we need now is to go for it!!