Black Dog just won't go...

[bigbluey]

Good Afternoon.

Have been battling PND for 10+ months now. Think I had unidentified PND with DC1 and was identified with DC2.

Have had talking therapy with HV, got a bit repetitive and started seeming pointless - she was lovely but came to the conclusion that maybe I am just the way I am .

Doctor got me on a CBT website and that seemed to work for a while.

OH has started helping out a lot more and that has helped a bit.

Have dabbled with prozac but am BFing and got given a BFing unfriendly one, so haven't had the balls to go back to the docs yet and get a different script, and so only take one tablet if I really can't stand it anymore and the other option is to take the lot!

Am getting to point where I am just feeling embarrassed that this is going on and on and on and on and on...like this post. Haven't had the guts to discuss SH with HV or docs as it is too personal - OH only found out recently and it's not exactly something to be proud of LOL and it's something I thought I'd left behind as a teenager - and there's no nasty underlying causes, my head just gets too full sometimes and so take it out on the old bod - no cuts, just punches, pinches, scraps, bangs and wallops (brick walls can be just hard enough).

Just getting to end of tether and self harm and ending it all thoughts are getting quite BIG at the mo, bruises don't usually show up, usually restricted to parts of the body that no-one notices, but arms are getting a thwacking too at the moment as other body parts are startng to run out of space - even rang samaritans the other day in floods. Just lots of days when it all seems so pointless and fruitless going on anymore, specially after I have a hissy fit - get v.angry at times, explosive rage that usually ends up with battering self or objects in and around the home. NOT children, hasten to add. It's not their ffing fault. Yes, it could just all be for attention - I don't know wtf's wrong with my head, so why should anyone else. Ironically if I didn't know the mental harm it would do to the kids would have finished it all months ago, am just about convincing self that being here, even in this state, is better than getting out of it all permanently. Just feel v.tired and fed up with self for yet another day and fed up with trying and failing to be perky - had a lovely day yesterday, how stupid!

I know it has got better - SH 1 - 2 times a week instead of 1 - 2 times daily BUT I am so gaddamned fed up of feeling crappy and inflicting my sorry self on my lovely family. Poor buggers deserve better.

Thought it had just become sleep related, but had v.good sleep last night and am in the doldrums again. FFS, oh and I have it all! So no excuses.

Anyone out there can offer a ray of hope, does PND ever eventually bugger off? Got any quick fixes other than a bottle of gin?

Please no fucking unpleasant comments - it might just be the excuse I'm looking for at the moment and you can come to the funeral!

[AnAngelWithin]

couldnt let this go unanswered. I have been where you are. believe me. in time, it does get better. maybe it will never completely go away. I have bads days like everyone else.

just taking one prozac every now and again is going to have no effect whatsoever. There are ADs you can take while BF, so please please please talk to you GP about this option. you sound as though you need something to help try and lift the fog.

how old is your little one? do you have any other children?

[AnAngelWithin]

i really think you need to talk to someone about the SH. if you want to talk to me my email is anangelwithin at hotmail dot com. i am a good listener. and i have been there. i will help in any way i can

[bigbluey]

Hello AAW

Have got 2 lovely children and lovely OH (I am a v.lucky girl and really do have it all!)- and waited for DS (10 mo) for a long time. I know I am just being stupid, but there just seem to be so many bloody days, thought I was getting better and just had big hissy this am, for no real reason. Getting a bit tired of beating the black dog every day and just needed a bit of hope - docs said it could take over 2 years to get better and don't know if I feel like being around myself for that long if I'm feeling like this - won't do anything too stupid, wouldn't want to upset the kids, they're lovely and deserve a mum who's a lot more together - wallow in self pity!

Will try to get to docs on Monday and change script, but feel v.stupid and useless.

Do you know of any self-help groups/site for SH as I know it's startign to get a bit out of control and am worried I'll wind up giving myself permanent brain or nerve damage. Can't talk to docs, too ashamed.

[whateverhappened]

I SH in the same way as you and i managed to stop last time after going on ADs. Back doing it again, but have just started back on ADs, and am managing to slow it down again, which is good. Think it's PND this time (but embarassing as ds is 2.5 ). go back to your doc and get diff ADs, and just take them as you're told. It'll hopefully give you the will to stop - that's what has helped me both times. Might be worth asking for referral to counselling/CBT as well to see if that will help. Hope you feel better soon

[GerrardWinstanley]

it sounds like the talking therapy you've had (HV/CBT) was working but didn't go deep enough or go on for long enough. The fact that it worked for a while makes you a really good case for being referred to face-to-face CBT counselling. Make sure you tell your GP that. Or could you pay for private CBT therapy, if the NHS variety has a long waiting list.

That feeling you describe of being frustrated and embarrassed and just plain bloody fed up of still feeling so miserable is a good one, believe it or not. Some of us have to get to that point before we can finally deal with our problems. It is possible for you to get out of this darkness, you just need the right help.