It's official - I'm a sh*t wife as well as a sh*t mother

[Moorhen]

DS is 7 months and for the last two has woken up at five or half past almost every day and refuses to go back to sleep.

I'm exhausted (wasn't good at mornings before I had him ), resentful - and I do know it's an awful awful thing to resent a baby for doing what babies do - and sick of the daily grind of looking after him while I'm so exhausted. I go out loads because being at home makes me feel worse and feel bad about that, too, as should be doing constructive play a la Miriam bloody Stoppard etc etc etc.

We're now doing sleep training, but after a week he has if anything got worse. I am crying with frustration most mornings.

DH has been asking if he can do the morning training as he copes with sleep deprivation better than me. Have been refusing as feel it's unfair, but today he started crying and said I'm refusing help and making him feel helpless. And making him feel we're back where we were two years ago when I had actual depression, only now we have a baby to care for.

I feel completely pathetic and useless. Poor poor man, and poor DS who deserves better than a grumpy cow who doesn't want to play with him. Have spent most of day in tears.

[Scootergrrrl]

Please stop beating yourself up. You're neither pathetic nor useless - just a normal mum doing the hardest job in the world on very little sleep.
How often does DS wake in the night? Can you go to bed when he does, just to get your feeling of normality back?

[posieflump]

Why don't you let him help you then? xxx

[Meeely2]

stop refusing help - let him do it, you will feel more alive and thus will have a better day and each day that feeling will grow until you are ready to take everything back on.

My Dh was much better at baby settling than I, so for over a year now he has done all the getting up at night.

My DT's have just started getting up at half 5 again, luckily at their age (3) I can leave them to play til I am ready to get up.

Seriously let you DH shoulder some of the burden, your DS will be picking up on tension and there is no way he will settle while you are feeling like this. the sooner you look after yourself the sooner ALL of you will start to feel better.

[FAQ]

OK first things first you're not a shit wife or a shit mum.

And secondly if not getting down on the floor and doing "constructive play" with them makes you a shit mum then I'll join the club - I'm onto DS3 now and I still don't really get down on the floor and play with any of my DS's. I (and they) are much happier when they're either helping me, or watching me, do stuff, or while I sit and watch them. Your DS will NOT suffer because you're not one for getting down on the floor and getting stuck in with him.

[GrinningSoul]

Don't worry about going out either - i used to feel like you but no no no whatever you do that keeps you relatively happy will be good for him. And deffo let your Dh do a shift. he must be really keen to help.

and finally, how would you feel about talking to your GP or health visitor? if you think you might be at the top of the slippery slope, it would be a good thing to nip it in the bud now!

good luck.

[Moorhen]

Thanks for the support, am still feeling vile but better for getting this out.

We have been sharing the night stuff, but i am a useless sleeper at best and so can't get back to sleep when it's my turn, and am awake with DH when it's his. He has now told me I'm banished to the spare room till this is sorted.

DS sleeps from 8-5, which makes me feel even worse cos so many people cope so much better on so much less. And DH has to go do a three-hour total commute and a full-time job whereas I only have DS.

[Wisteria]

Moorhen - let him help you. I really feel for guys whose wives/ partners don't allow them to 'have a go', you can alienate them completely.

You said it yourself, he copes with sleep deprivation better than you, so have that lie in and be a better Mum and Wife for it Don't underestimate how bloody hard a new baby is - we all struggled.

((((big sympathetic hug))))

[EffiePerine]

Spare room, good book and earplugs . Your DH is right that you need a break and he's offering, so take him up on it!

And he is not saying your are a shit wife or mum, just that he is worried and wants to help.

[Poledra]

Aaah, Moorhen, never refuse the offer of help freely given. You are not shit you are just bloody exhausted . And sod constructive play - like FAQ, I used to get on with things I needed/wanted to do, and talked to my baby while I did it. I have resorted to reading my book out loud, as they didn't understand what it meant and I felt as if I was getting some time for myself. And going out is constructive, as the baby gets lots of stimulation looking at new things.
Don't cry now. Your husband and son don't want anyone else; they want you!

[thisisthelast]

Oh God, it's like looking in some wierd internet mirror! My dd is 7 months old and is a ridicullously early riser 5am or earlier. She's such a grumpy baby as a consequence of this and is extremely hard work. Objecting to most things, just being put in her car seat or sat in her high chaor can result in a screaming meltdown. I'm exhausted, dp is exhausted as he's always at work and I too feel like a shit mum and wife. DD doesn't even seem to want to play as she is so crabby and has little patience for anything. It's awful but you're not alone and I'm sure your not a crap mum at all. Try and let dh take some of the work, I try and make out I can do everything but every so often I need help!

[Moorhen]

So, last night I allowed DH to pack me off to the spare room. DS woke up at 5.15am and didn't go back to sleep till 6am and then only for 20 minutes (we have to get him up at 6.30am if he's awake according to the sleep plan).

But I didn't know a thing about it - I slept from 10.15-6.30am and feel so so much better. Can now see that DH and you were all right; was just too exhausted to see sense.

Even the 20-minute screaming fit that DS had after his nap just now (because he's still tired but won't sleep) didn't get me down.

[EffiePerine]

Excellent . I find DS sleeps much better for Dh when I'm not around too.

[Kaz1967]

Moorhen 2 ideas ae they sleeping during the say? is it possible to reduce this sleep and add it onto the night sleep while still putting them down at 8pm?

If they don't or if they don't cope without that sleep can you make them last a little longer and see if they sleep longer ? I know this eats into your time alone with your partner but you are obviously shattered.

Oh and never ever refuse help you are a Mum not superwoman and Dads do like to help and they are far better at practical stuff than emotional weepy women.

[Moorhen]

Kaz, I kept him awake till 10am today as heard it can help. He's been ultra whingey and miserable and tired all day, so obviously needs the sleep. Hope it helps.

And now I'm thinking clearly again I'm not going to try to do too much in future!

[AmberT]

I had my second ds 7 months ago too and he cried all the time from (what feels like) birth. I only managed to bf him for 5 wks then put him on formula. He seemed to be distressed and uncomfortable all the time and I couldnt work out why. he would wake in the night and cry for literally hours. I was/am suffering from pd and everything just seemed so black and admittedly still does from time to time. But basically I changed his formula milk to one that doesnt seem to give him problems doing a poo. He's like a different child. My hv was neither use nor ornament really. Do you think it could be that? Sorry, babbled a bit there!

[Kaz1967]

Moorhen that's one thing that does not work then. Babies are rather like standing at the pick and mix counter wondering what to choose you have found the first thing you both dislike time to try the next and see if it's ok

[Martha200]

What a fab DH you have He cares for you both a lot and I think that's ace he stepped in to help even if it meant banishing you to spare room

[Moorhen]

DH is indeed amazing. [patting self on the back for wise choice emoticon]

He has done all the early mornings this week - it's my turn at the weekend - and actually got DS to sleep this morning for an hour, so things may, just may, be looking up.

And sleep expert woman has told me to keep DS up till 11am for his nap tomorrow, to see if he sleeps longer the next day. Not sure I can do this but have some hope now.

[Kaz1967]

You certainly sound better bit of sleep works wonders doesn't it

[Scorpiostar]

Moorhen, when I read your post I thought I must have written it myself! My DS is 8 months old and has only slept through twice ever. I'm exhausted and feel like I can't cope anymore. When I'm tired, even the little things get me down, and since I'm always tired, I'm always feeling crap. If you crack the sleeping thing, I'd love to know how you did it!