Snap me out of it girls . . .

[chrissnow]

i'm ashamed of myself for even posting here. can't be bothered to name change, it's not like anyone knows me anyway. I'm not depressed I appreciate that is a real illness and i don;t mean to undermine or offend anybody, but i don't know where else to post. AIBU will just start a fight that i can't finish. I know there are so many of you out there with real problems and again i hope i don't upset anybody.
I've just had enough. it's too much of a fight all the time. I seem to be constantly running around in circles doing stuff and nothing seems to get done. I love dh and dds dearly and i just think they need better, but i can't be any better. god knows i'm trying. The threenager tantrums are too much to bear. the 18 month old managing to remove whatever clothing i put her in and poo everywhere is driving me to distraction. she's so inconsistent with her sleeping and we all get so grumpy. today i've walked with them for what seemed like miles to get my car tax to be told that my post office doesn't do it. the car seats are in my dhs car (thought we were being clever by swapping them over yesterday to save time before long journey tonight) Another cosmic slap in the teeth. Dh has been lovely (as he always is) and said we can do the tax tomorrow where we're going, which we can. It's not a big issue, but just the straw that broke the camel's back. For every thing I work at to make nice/fix. Something breaks elsewhere. My logic can see that i'm being melodramatic and things aren't that bad, but my heart won't listen. I just feel so old, useless, tired, ugly and worthless. I have nothing to offer anyone. I have no skills or talents and i'm not even a good mom.
just give me a slap. sorry its all incoherent and jumbled. its just an outpouring from my overflowing head.

[elesbells]

{{hugs}}

your post sounds so defeatist and lonely - a classic sign of depression. I feel for you, its horrible when you feel everything feels like and does, go wrong.

Don't think that you can't come on here and spill your thoughts and feelings. You're not being melodramatic at all! Things build up and everyone has a breaking point. can you go to your GP and have a chat? It may be that you can be referred to someone you can talk to, just to get the feelings out of your head.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I know just how you feel. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do it either goes wrong or something conspires and you get nothing done.

I make lists of what I need to do that day and love crossing things off but don't stress if I don't get it done.

[chrissnow]

I'm going to GP on mon anyway for unrelated subject. though not that unrelated. Horrid period problems which are affecting my every day life. I think on balance it may be hormonal issues. But what with the universe and my own body fighting against me it just feels so hard to cope. I won't mention any of this to GP I need the focus to be on my real problem. I'll just keep ranting at you lot I think. Easier as I don't have to drag the lo's into a drs surgery.
NAB - Lists are good. By the time I've finished a list though its time for bed. Theres to much to do.

[PABLOP]

You don't need a slap! You are probably tired out with 2 lo. Depression comes in lots of forms from full blown manic depression to feeling down for a day or to. You are not old, you're younger than me! You are not useless or worthless, your chldren are absolutley beautiful and I bet you are a brilliant mum. I'm sure you are not ugly, but you are tired! You mention a long journey are you going somewhere nice? Make yourself a nice cup of tea and try to get your feet up and be nice to yourself

[chrissnow]

Pablop. While you were posting I made a nice strong brew. Solves all (according to my gran - bless her soul). Not going anywhere nice - visiting mom. Which is usually a blessing and curse all in one (you know moms . .)
I'm really not a brilliant mom. I know that. I'm not a cruel, neglectful or bad mom. But certainly not a good one. ( I have sat them in front of some of the tv they like with a bar of chocolate each!! dd1 was promised a choc for helping me to shower her poo covered sister this morning - fetching shampoo/towels/holding the shower attach so i could hold dd2) dd2 got choc for smelling better than she did a 7am!! I bought myself some to cheer me up and its just sitting there looking at me and making me feel physically sick. I've forced some cornflakes down my throat as I can't take my painkillers on an empty stomach. Thankyou for the kind comments, they are beautiful. Stunning in fact (they look like dh - but feminine versions)

[PABLOP]

So whats wrong with sitting in front of tv with a bar of chocolate? sounds nice to me, rewarding your dd1 one for helping you is a good thing. I bet how you are feeling is related to your period problem which you are going to get sorted out, It sounds to me that you are really run down.
Let us know how you get on at doctors.

[chrissnow]

I don't know. I don't want or expect a perfect life. I have no desire to be a yummy mummy with perfect children and eat organic hand reared michelin starred food. I'd like to look reasonable (i'm wearing the clothes I went to work in last night, haven't brushed my hair) I know I could brush up nice if I made the effort. I can't be bothered. I kind of like having normal children who veer between angelic and demonic. I have loads to be thankful for, but all i's seeing is shite. The house is shite and I hate it. Last week I was fab everything clean ironed. I was halfway respectable. 30 mins into the weekend all the shite re-appeared and i've worked twice as hard and got half as far. I think I do need that slap now. You're all being really kind and i'm not listening. I'm just sat here whingeing. poor me.
My dear little girls are being so good now. Popping over to see mommy who is blatently ignoring them. Having a quick chat about the 'hoovering' and jumping they are doing. then wandering off again. They seem happy enough.

[BigBadMouse]

Chrissnow - please explain what a 'good mum' would have done differently in your circumstances? I think you have far too many expectations of yourself right now. Firstly, chocky as bribes is what you need to do sometimes, TV is a godsend when you are shattered - I'm sure they aren't sat in front of it all day.

I do know what you mean about nothing get achieved though. Drives me mad it seems that everything I do is totally undone in 5 mins or less no matter how hard I try. I long for the day I can do something and come back a day later and it is still in order.

Don't think you are being melodramatic at all, just juggling a lot at once. I hope your doc appointment goes well and that you get things sorted. I should think that will help a lot and then you'll realise you aren't really old, ugly, or worthless and that you have many skills and talents.

Hope that doesn't all come across as sounding a bit flippant, it's not meant to be.

[BigBadMouse]

• you are definitely not useless. You have just made me smile and I haven't done that for ages . I'm doing exactly the same as you right now. Could have written that last post myself. Hair unbrushed here too but mainly because the house is in such a blimen mess I couldn't find the hairbrush. Why is it that one week you just about get everything done (laundry springs to mind) the next it looks like a bomb has gone off in a clothes factory (or is that just my house ).

Feel free to keep on 'whinging', coz I think it is all very necessary and not really whinging at all.

[chrissnow]

Ok maybe not what a 'good mum' would have done. Logic defines that there is no such thing as a 'good mum'. A reasonable person however wouldn't feel the need to justify her decisions or feel crap about everything.
Glad I made you smile though.
The chocolate bribe has shot me in the foot though. They are now not going to sleep. This is there nap time and they really need it today as they slept badly last night. apparently they were unsettled before I came home and there was another waking moment at stupid o clock. They are also going to be upheaved a bit for the journey tonight, so they need to sleep. I really really need sleep. I daren't go in at the moment as I can feel the blood rushing to my ears in an irrational moment. Don't panic I'm not about to go and belt them. Even me not good mom abhors child abuse [weak smile emoticon] I don't want to go in there in tears though.

[chrissnow]

going to try and sleep now. hope things look better when I wake up.

[BigBadMouse]

Hope you get some decent sleep.

Sorry, had to disappear early - could no longer ignore my two who were busy stretching the cat between them .

The last bit of your last message rings true with me too. I have to leave mine to get on with it at times at the mo or I'll just shout something ridiculous at them and make things worse or alternatively burst into tears. DD1 yesterday ' Mummy why are you crying?' Me 'I'm not, Mummy's eyes leak sometimes' DD2 'I fix dem' - Dah, made me worse. They are similar ages to yours btw.

Its all hormones and lack of sleep you know -no one can be expected to be reasonable with those two things to contend with. Please don't disagree with that one, it's my best excuse I have for me (29 wks preg + DD2 still not sleeping through) {grin]

[chrissnow]

Thanks for your help girls. Felt quite fragile over the weekend. Tried to convince DH not to bother with mother's day. DD2 wanted nothing to do with me all weekend. I didn't feel much like a mother really
GP was brilliant. We think we may have come to a solution now. Will need a little time, but then it will be sorted. When he asked me if I was certain I didn't want any more children I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!!
Anyway I'm a little happier now. Have been playing mercilessly with dd2 in an attempt to get on with her again. She's not that interested but is playing along with it for now!!! She's very much her own person and won't be led or told anything. Bought her and dd1 some wellies yesterday so they will be kicked into the garden today and ordered to run/dig/paint/water/roll in mud/kick balls/collect worms etc until they are filthy and knackered!!! (shower stuff and towels at the ready inside the house then!!)
House is still a tip. Getting through it a corner at a time.
I still feel a bit old and ugly, but a chap at work last night told me that some of the managers play at how old do you think xxx is? It was me on Thurs night apparently and I came out at 25/26 [GRIN] This was an unprompted conversation as well so I was quite chuffed by that!!
Anyway thanks for putting up with me.

[PABLOP]

Thats good news chrissnow. Glad you're feeling better, I get really p**sed off with myself for not being able to keep on top of housework, somedays the house is tidy and somedays (most) its not, its no big deal in the grand scheme of things.

somedays I feel fat and ugly, like today as I sit here like Waynetta slob in leggings and a scrunchie in my hair but tomorrow I'll feel good because I'm off for a haircut.

[mylovelymonster]

So much of the day to day stuff just isn't important. And the crap is there to help you feel even more joyful about the good stuff that happens.
Most of us feel old and ugly, but remember - when you're 70 and your boobs are hitting the floor you will be so mad at yourself for not recognising how gorgeous you are right now. Your children are beautiful, by the way, and I bet they're mad about you - even if they don't show it.
Anything else I can say..........probably not, but I'd like to send you a ((((((hug)))))) and some love x

[chrissnow]

Well DH is taking Monday off work to lay laminate in the living room. I cannot bear the carpet anymore (potty training stains!!! - from the 19month old . She has to do whatever her sister does) Why oh why did we have cream carpet laid when we had a 12month old and one on the way!!! Silly little thing really but it makes me feel better. Feel I can't invite anyone round with the carpet the way it is. I and all you know that this is inevitable with LO's but the uneducated population would be horrified to see the poo stains!! (Can't even clean it properly as we have under-floor heating and can't get it too wet). Someone at work invited me for a playdate with littlies so that's made me feel a bit more loved.
Thanks for the lovely comments on the kids. They are beautiful. I think they love me mostly they just have a very bizarre way of showing it. I'm gradually pulling myself out of my pit of despair. Have a job interview next week so I may book myself in for a haircut and boost my confidence.
And as for being 70 and having floor skimming boobs . . . at a 32E with 2 kids I think nature may be quicker than that!!

[mylovelymonster]

I'm a 32E/F. It's a burden
Lots of luck with the interview x

[Isitjustme2]

Hairbrushes are over-rated. I know it's going to be a bad day when I have to walk into 4 rooms to try and find mine